I think Christian kids should get involved in Boy Scouts. And local theater troupes. And dance and Little League and Junior Lifeguards and orchestra and every other club under the sun. But above all this, I think Christians should be involved in church.
And that's for one simple reason: the church works.
I've just returned from a camp put on for 3rd-5th graders last week in West Virginia. Now in its seventh summer, the sponsoring church plans and programs and staffs the entire week on its own. Most of the leadership staff are parents, but most of the counselors are high school students, which means after seven years that the camp is starting to re-cycle some of its original campers as counselors.
And this is creating a culture of "give-back" ministry in that church that is really something to admire. Here's a common sentiment expressed to me by a 5th grade boy who just finished his fourth and final year at camp: "Next year I'm going to junior high camp, and then I'll go to senior high camp, and then I'm going to be a counselor at Camp Quest." One counselor, also a former camper, shared his mock frustration midway through the week: "I want to get upset with them, but then I look at all four of my kids and think, 'Each one of them is exactly like me!'"
The value of this is that it creates a localized mission field where young kids are eager to be cared for and older kids look forward to providing it. Not only does the camp fill every year, but perhaps more encouraging, there's a waiting list and interview process for counselors; not everyone who volunteers is chosen. The younger kids return from the week in awe and their teenage mentors spend the next year larger-than-life and proud to be recognized back home by their former charges.
I'm a big believer in the church and in ministry. I think we should use the church to leverage whatever spiritual advantages we can, especially for kids. As I wrote last week, Christian kids don't exist in a vacuum. They either have a group of Christian friends with which to affiliate themselves, or they will gradually shed their identification with the church. But for kids, it's not enough to just "be" together; they want to "do" together. When the church is doing what it should, it is bringing people together to meet each other's needs - in other words, facilitating ministry. It's not just maintaining a physical space where people gather to sing and hear a nice speaker. Coming together isn't sufficient; the church needs to create reasons and opportunities to meet. When that happens, people are mutually edified, they're cared for, they're strengthened in their faith, they're reaffirmed as part of the family…and, there's a reason to grow. As long as I remain a child - always receiving, never charged with giving - there's no urgency to my spiritual development, because pretty much all I'm expected to do is show up. Give me a problem to solve or a team to lead or person to guide, though, and I'm obliged to get my act together. That, I think, is the essence of what Ephesians 4 means, especially v. 16: "From [Christ] the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work."
"Being part of the church" today means something different than it did in the New Testament. Then, it was primarily an identification - you belonged to the church because you were among those who believed Christ was the Messiah. Today "joining a church" is more like selecting and joining a health club or buying a new car: we find the one with all the features that we want and that feels right, and when our choice gets old we move on to another. This consumerist approach obscures the reality, which is that every believer "belongs" to the Church regardless of where, or how often, they may physically frequent one.
So let's live like it! Stewardship experts often speculate what the Church could do if everyone who attended, tithed. But how much richer would our lives be if we were all meaningfully engaged in ministry?
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
The Power of the Crowd
Something interesting happened a couple of weeks ago while I was in the company of two boys. We were waiting in a line when one whispered an inappropriate joke containing a four-letter word. He knew better, of course, than to let himself be heard by me, the authority figure, but what he didn't know was that his whisper wasn't quiet enough and I overheard the whole thing.
But before I could - or had to - react, his friend beat me to the punch. He simply turned to the boy and said, "No bad words."
And with those three words, he did more than I could have accomplished with any glare, any facial expression, any scolding or shame or lecture, even any well-meaning explanation of "why we don't use words like that." The offender accepted the correction, changed the subject, and went on with his dignity intact.
What is it about the power of a peer? Why can same-age influence often carry more weight than anything any adult has to say? It ought to be the other way around, right? We have the weight of experience. We know - sometimes from our own experience - why it's a bad idea to, say, light things on fire or ride your skateboard over railroad tracks or jump off the roof or eat too much candy or spend all your money or stay up all night. As adults, we are eager to pass on these lessons to the unwashed generation. Indeed, the hallmark of maturity is the realization that you are in a position, that you've lived enough life, to place you above the momentary passions and instincts that drive youth.
But somehow, kids would rather listen to each other. Peer approval and disapproval carries a lot of weight for a pre-teen. Kids 9-12 are constantly evaluating where they stand - Am I cool? Is it still ok to play with certain toys? Will they laugh at me if I answer wrong? - and this is a forerunner of the more intense identity crises they will enter as adolescents.
Much time is spent in middle teaching kids to battle the influence of peer pressure. But there's another side to the coin. Michael Gerson wrote about this in last week's Washington Post. Noting that self-identified evangelical teenagers tend to start having sex earlier than kids from mainline denominations, he goes on to point out that those teens who regularly attend church and are connected to the life of their religious communities do delay sexual activity (although not much: the average age for those kids is about 17).
Gerson isn't the first to observe that the lives of Christian teenagers really don't differ too much from those of non-belivers. Researcher George Barna has been documenting that reality for years. By almost any measure - age of first sexual experience, use of drugs and alcohol, moral reasoning - Christian teens are very much in line with their non-Christian friends.
What helps is the support of others who believe like you do. That seems like a pretty simple concept. But, it's more difficult for teenagers than it might seem, in part because they don't enjoy the same freedom of mobility - and therefore, freedom of association - that adults do. Most teens (and pre-teens, and kids) attend public schools, which brings them into contact with a range of personalities and belief systems. As adults, we often underestimate the amount of diversity in the world - or even in our own communities - because most of us deliberately choose to associate with folks who are pretty much just like us.
Which makes it all the more important that kids and teenagers have a set of friends who share their values. Notice I said "a set." I'm not one who happens to believe that Christian teens need to wall themselves off from the rest of the world. I think that leads to a dangerous shortsightedness and an in-group mentality. Kids should have friends from all sorts of backgrounds, and we should be training them in how to be influencers within their social groups (which, incidentally, is part of the theme of the book "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids," whose author is coming to speak at NCCC in late September. We're also offering a discussion group on that book this fall.)
But, teens - and everyone - also need a refuge from worldly influences. Indeed, the support of friends may be the key factor whenever a Christian teen doesn't abandon his beliefs or values. Or, as Gerson writes, "The facts also support a basic conservative belief: that it is difficult for teens to be moral alone...responsible behavior requires both "norms" and "networks." An intellectual belief in right and wrong is not sufficient. Teens require a community that supports their good choices, especially in times of testing and personal crisis."
One of the goals of the 4th-6th grade ministry is to help kids form solid Christian friendships before they enter 7th grade. Our new midweek program will shift to a heavy small group focus this fall, with that very goal in mind. It's our hope that we can draw these kids - from more than 60 elementary and middle schools - together, to bridge the "islands" that are so common in our ministry, and to help develop some relationships that will aid these kids once they reach adolescence.
Parents can't pick their kids' friends. But they can do a lot to influence who they are exposed to (namely, the power of providing a ride and the power of keeping the calendar). Parents can and should ensure that in their child's spiritual toolbox is a group of supportive Christian friends. Christians were never intended to live in isolation. We cheat our kids when we give them Biblical knowledge and teach them what God requires of them, but then don't surround them with the community that will help them sustain those convictions and choices.
But before I could - or had to - react, his friend beat me to the punch. He simply turned to the boy and said, "No bad words."
And with those three words, he did more than I could have accomplished with any glare, any facial expression, any scolding or shame or lecture, even any well-meaning explanation of "why we don't use words like that." The offender accepted the correction, changed the subject, and went on with his dignity intact.
What is it about the power of a peer? Why can same-age influence often carry more weight than anything any adult has to say? It ought to be the other way around, right? We have the weight of experience. We know - sometimes from our own experience - why it's a bad idea to, say, light things on fire or ride your skateboard over railroad tracks or jump off the roof or eat too much candy or spend all your money or stay up all night. As adults, we are eager to pass on these lessons to the unwashed generation. Indeed, the hallmark of maturity is the realization that you are in a position, that you've lived enough life, to place you above the momentary passions and instincts that drive youth.
But somehow, kids would rather listen to each other. Peer approval and disapproval carries a lot of weight for a pre-teen. Kids 9-12 are constantly evaluating where they stand - Am I cool? Is it still ok to play with certain toys? Will they laugh at me if I answer wrong? - and this is a forerunner of the more intense identity crises they will enter as adolescents.
Much time is spent in middle teaching kids to battle the influence of peer pressure. But there's another side to the coin. Michael Gerson wrote about this in last week's Washington Post. Noting that self-identified evangelical teenagers tend to start having sex earlier than kids from mainline denominations, he goes on to point out that those teens who regularly attend church and are connected to the life of their religious communities do delay sexual activity (although not much: the average age for those kids is about 17).
Gerson isn't the first to observe that the lives of Christian teenagers really don't differ too much from those of non-belivers. Researcher George Barna has been documenting that reality for years. By almost any measure - age of first sexual experience, use of drugs and alcohol, moral reasoning - Christian teens are very much in line with their non-Christian friends.
What helps is the support of others who believe like you do. That seems like a pretty simple concept. But, it's more difficult for teenagers than it might seem, in part because they don't enjoy the same freedom of mobility - and therefore, freedom of association - that adults do. Most teens (and pre-teens, and kids) attend public schools, which brings them into contact with a range of personalities and belief systems. As adults, we often underestimate the amount of diversity in the world - or even in our own communities - because most of us deliberately choose to associate with folks who are pretty much just like us.
Which makes it all the more important that kids and teenagers have a set of friends who share their values. Notice I said "a set." I'm not one who happens to believe that Christian teens need to wall themselves off from the rest of the world. I think that leads to a dangerous shortsightedness and an in-group mentality. Kids should have friends from all sorts of backgrounds, and we should be training them in how to be influencers within their social groups (which, incidentally, is part of the theme of the book "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids," whose author is coming to speak at NCCC in late September. We're also offering a discussion group on that book this fall.)
But, teens - and everyone - also need a refuge from worldly influences. Indeed, the support of friends may be the key factor whenever a Christian teen doesn't abandon his beliefs or values. Or, as Gerson writes, "The facts also support a basic conservative belief: that it is difficult for teens to be moral alone...responsible behavior requires both "norms" and "networks." An intellectual belief in right and wrong is not sufficient. Teens require a community that supports their good choices, especially in times of testing and personal crisis."
One of the goals of the 4th-6th grade ministry is to help kids form solid Christian friendships before they enter 7th grade. Our new midweek program will shift to a heavy small group focus this fall, with that very goal in mind. It's our hope that we can draw these kids - from more than 60 elementary and middle schools - together, to bridge the "islands" that are so common in our ministry, and to help develop some relationships that will aid these kids once they reach adolescence.
Parents can't pick their kids' friends. But they can do a lot to influence who they are exposed to (namely, the power of providing a ride and the power of keeping the calendar). Parents can and should ensure that in their child's spiritual toolbox is a group of supportive Christian friends. Christians were never intended to live in isolation. We cheat our kids when we give them Biblical knowledge and teach them what God requires of them, but then don't surround them with the community that will help them sustain those convictions and choices.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
The Survey Says...
This week I am happy to share with you the results of a "snapshot" survey we took in our class the third weekend in June. This is only a "snapshot" because the methods were by no means scientific. But they do give us a glance at the spiritual lives of 115 5th and 6th graders on one particular weekend.
We collected surveys from 49 boys and 66 girls.
Q: If your parents talked with you about God, would it be:
5 - Strange and unusual - my parents and I don't talk much about God
1 - Weird but not unusual - my parents talk about God but I don't like it
19 - Unusual but not weird - They don't talk with me about God, but I wouldn't mind
89 - Normal and not weird at all - my family often talks about God
Q: When I talk to my parents about a problem,
17 - They usually take care of it for me
88 - They usually talk to me about what I can do to solve the problem
4 - They usually don't listen or offer any advice
Q: How easy would it be for you to invite a friend to church?
43 - Pretty easy - I do it a lot
54 - Easy, but I don't invite anyone
6 - I wouldn't invite someone because I don't think they'd have a good time
7 - I'd be embarrased to invite someone to church
Q: If someone asked you what it means to be a Christian, how easily could you answer their question?
62 - No problem, and I could show them places in the Bible that proved what I was saying
30 - I could do it, but I couldn't use the Bible
17 - I really wouldn't know what to say
Q: How easy would it be to bring up God in a conversation with your friends?
5 - I would never do that
41 - I could try, but my friends wouldn't be interested
60 - They would talk about it and it wouldn't be weird
Q: Do you know another adult besides your parents who you feel helps you as a Christian and who you can trust?
100 - Yes
7 - No
Q: When your parents say, "Time for church," do you usually think
54 - Yeah! Can't wait to go
49 - It's ok, I don't mind
6 - I'd rather stay home
Q: I think the 4th-6th grade room is
52 - Mostly a friendly place and I don't worry about not knowing anyone
52 - Mostly a friendly place, but I don't know too many people there
3 - Mostly an unfriendly place and I worry there won't be anyone to talk to
Q: When someone is getting picked on, are you usually
69 - Away from it
3 - Leading it
7 - Not leading it, but joining in on it
20 - The one getting picked on
Q: How many kids at this church would you say you know, as in, you recognize them and know their name and would talk to them at church?
4 - I know no one
6 - I know one kid
10 - Know two kids
11 - Know three kids
12 - Know four kids
14 - Know five kids
5 - Know xix kids
6 - Know seven kids
32 - Know more than seven kids
Q: How many kids at this church would you say you are close friends with - not only would you hang out with them at church, but you would call them and invite them over to your house or to do something?
21 - No one
19 - One kid I would consider my friend
20 - Two kids I would consider my friends
17 - Three kids
6 - Four kids
8 - Five kids
1 - Six kids
2 - Seven kids
5 - More than seven kids
Q: When do you normally pray? (Kids could indicate more than one answer)
34 - In the morning
33 - At school
75 - Before I go to bed
70 - At family meals
77 - Whenever I need God's help
40 - With my parents
25 - Some other time (various answers)
We collected surveys from 49 boys and 66 girls.
Q: If your parents talked with you about God, would it be:
5 - Strange and unusual - my parents and I don't talk much about God
1 - Weird but not unusual - my parents talk about God but I don't like it
19 - Unusual but not weird - They don't talk with me about God, but I wouldn't mind
89 - Normal and not weird at all - my family often talks about God
Q: When I talk to my parents about a problem,
17 - They usually take care of it for me
88 - They usually talk to me about what I can do to solve the problem
4 - They usually don't listen or offer any advice
Q: How easy would it be for you to invite a friend to church?
43 - Pretty easy - I do it a lot
54 - Easy, but I don't invite anyone
6 - I wouldn't invite someone because I don't think they'd have a good time
7 - I'd be embarrased to invite someone to church
Q: If someone asked you what it means to be a Christian, how easily could you answer their question?
62 - No problem, and I could show them places in the Bible that proved what I was saying
30 - I could do it, but I couldn't use the Bible
17 - I really wouldn't know what to say
Q: How easy would it be to bring up God in a conversation with your friends?
5 - I would never do that
41 - I could try, but my friends wouldn't be interested
60 - They would talk about it and it wouldn't be weird
Q: Do you know another adult besides your parents who you feel helps you as a Christian and who you can trust?
100 - Yes
7 - No
Q: When your parents say, "Time for church," do you usually think
54 - Yeah! Can't wait to go
49 - It's ok, I don't mind
6 - I'd rather stay home
Q: I think the 4th-6th grade room is
52 - Mostly a friendly place and I don't worry about not knowing anyone
52 - Mostly a friendly place, but I don't know too many people there
3 - Mostly an unfriendly place and I worry there won't be anyone to talk to
Q: When someone is getting picked on, are you usually
69 - Away from it
3 - Leading it
7 - Not leading it, but joining in on it
20 - The one getting picked on
Q: How many kids at this church would you say you know, as in, you recognize them and know their name and would talk to them at church?
4 - I know no one
6 - I know one kid
10 - Know two kids
11 - Know three kids
12 - Know four kids
14 - Know five kids
5 - Know xix kids
6 - Know seven kids
32 - Know more than seven kids
Q: How many kids at this church would you say you are close friends with - not only would you hang out with them at church, but you would call them and invite them over to your house or to do something?
21 - No one
19 - One kid I would consider my friend
20 - Two kids I would consider my friends
17 - Three kids
6 - Four kids
8 - Five kids
1 - Six kids
2 - Seven kids
5 - More than seven kids
Q: When do you normally pray? (Kids could indicate more than one answer)
34 - In the morning
33 - At school
75 - Before I go to bed
70 - At family meals
77 - Whenever I need God's help
40 - With my parents
25 - Some other time (various answers)
Sunday, July 15, 2007
'Til I saw it with my own eyes
If seeing is believing, then there's an element of faithlessness in needing to see...but I'm sure glad I did make the trip out to Campus by the Sea on Catalina Island this week, site of our upcoming summer camp.
And I'm happy to share some video from the day with you. (CLICK HERE TO WATCH) This is must-see - not because of the production value, but because Campus by the Sea really is what everyone said it was - a memorable point of encounter with God.
I love California - don't get me wrong - but other than when I'm at the beach, I don't feel the pull of nature like I did growing up in North Dakota. In fact, I have to try hard to block out civilization here in order to get the sense of what's natural here. There isn't enough green grass for me. From my office I can hear traffic on the 5 always. Palm trees used to enchant me; now I hardly notice.
But get me in a secluded spot and the contrasts between that and the ever-noisier and congested world I inhabit are stark. I become small, God becomes big; worries fade and appreciation grows.
Tuesday, I was there.
Your kid needs to be there, too.
When we dreamed up the idea of our own summer camp this spring, I took it on good authority that Campus by the Sea on Catalina Island was a cool place. I liked the idea of being near water; summertime heat makes kids cranky. I worried there might not be enough for kids to do, or that the camp - lacking as it does electricity in the cabins - would be too rustic or simple for our sophisticated kids.
My worries have been put to rest.
Please, view the video and enjoy some scenes from Catalina. (A picture is worth a thousand words? Indeed. After we aired this footage Sunday morning we had a surge of interest in camp - after only talking about it for a couple of months.) Then, let's get your kid to summer camp.
I have great memories of the summer camp I attended growing up, on Red Willow Lake. It was there that I first met college-aged Christians, my counselors - they were so cool, and I wanted to be like them! I spent the longest away from my mom and dad I ever had up to that point - and made it through ok. I actually read the Bible for the first time. I met kids I would continue to encounter at regional and statewide church events through high school. In that way, it was my first sense that the world was actually bigger than the town of 7,000 I grew up in.
I can tell you every cabin I was in and every bunk I slept in and who my counselors were each of the four years I went. I can tell you the best year and the worst year (when I got strepthroat and had to sit out two whole days) and how sad I was to leave in 5th grade (I cried). I can still sing almost all of the songs we learned at chapel and campfire - some of them I've brought into the 4th-6th grade room here, 20 years later.
I guess what I'm saying is that summer camp is a unique, almost once-in-a-lifetime experience. There's a window: after 9th grade I was too busy with sports camps and jobs to consider giving up a whole week of my summer. But in late elementary school, camp was it. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
We have many, many open spots remaining for our camp and a great plan for the three days we'll be there. The camp theme will be "Flood of Grace" and ties into part of the camp's history: it was nearly destroyed and abandoned in 1979 after a huge amount of rainwater came down out of the mountains and washed entire buildings away. The camp rebuilt smarter, including a channel to divert mountain runoff away from the structures, into the sea. Facing a God whose will it is to flood us with his grace, what channels have we constructed to keep the "old us" intact and untouched, unable to be swept away? When God touches every part of a 10-year-old's life...what does that look like?
We have a dedicated volunteer team that is eager to spend the weekend of August 10-12 building into your child. If finances are an issue, please call me. We don't have a ton of scholarship money, but we have an opportunity to fundraise at the church the weekend before camp.
I was filled with the assurance after my trip last Tuesday that no one who makes this trip will regret it. Hope to see you at camp.
And I'm happy to share some video from the day with you. (CLICK HERE TO WATCH) This is must-see - not because of the production value, but because Campus by the Sea really is what everyone said it was - a memorable point of encounter with God.
I love California - don't get me wrong - but other than when I'm at the beach, I don't feel the pull of nature like I did growing up in North Dakota. In fact, I have to try hard to block out civilization here in order to get the sense of what's natural here. There isn't enough green grass for me. From my office I can hear traffic on the 5 always. Palm trees used to enchant me; now I hardly notice.
But get me in a secluded spot and the contrasts between that and the ever-noisier and congested world I inhabit are stark. I become small, God becomes big; worries fade and appreciation grows.
Tuesday, I was there.
Your kid needs to be there, too.
When we dreamed up the idea of our own summer camp this spring, I took it on good authority that Campus by the Sea on Catalina Island was a cool place. I liked the idea of being near water; summertime heat makes kids cranky. I worried there might not be enough for kids to do, or that the camp - lacking as it does electricity in the cabins - would be too rustic or simple for our sophisticated kids.My worries have been put to rest.
Please, view the video and enjoy some scenes from Catalina. (A picture is worth a thousand words? Indeed. After we aired this footage Sunday morning we had a surge of interest in camp - after only talking about it for a couple of months.) Then, let's get your kid to summer camp.I have great memories of the summer camp I attended growing up, on Red Willow Lake. It was there that I first met college-aged Christians, my counselors - they were so cool, and I wanted to be like them! I spent the longest away from my mom and dad I ever had up to that point - and made it through ok. I actually read the Bible for the first time. I met kids I would continue to encounter at regional and statewide church events through high school. In that way, it was my first sense that the world was actually bigger than the town of 7,000 I grew up in.
I can tell you every cabin I was in and every bunk I slept in and who my counselors were each of the four years I went. I can tell you the best year and the worst year (when I got strepthroat and had to sit out two whole days) and how sad I was to leave in 5th grade (I cried). I can still sing almost all of the songs we learned at chapel and campfire - some of them I've brought into the 4th-6th grade room here, 20 years later.
I guess what I'm saying is that summer camp is a unique, almost once-in-a-lifetime experience. There's a window: after 9th grade I was too busy with sports camps and jobs to consider giving up a whole week of my summer. But in late elementary school, camp was it. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
We have many, many open spots remaining for our camp and a great plan for the three days we'll be there. The camp theme will be "Flood of Grace" and ties into part of the camp's history: it was nearly destroyed and abandoned in 1979 after a huge amount of rainwater came down out of the mountains and washed entire buildings away. The camp rebuilt smarter, including a channel to divert mountain runoff away from the structures, into the sea. Facing a God whose will it is to flood us with his grace, what channels have we constructed to keep the "old us" intact and untouched, unable to be swept away? When God touches every part of a 10-year-old's life...what does that look like?We have a dedicated volunteer team that is eager to spend the weekend of August 10-12 building into your child. If finances are an issue, please call me. We don't have a ton of scholarship money, but we have an opportunity to fundraise at the church the weekend before camp.
I was filled with the assurance after my trip last Tuesday that no one who makes this trip will regret it. Hope to see you at camp.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
What I learned at the gym
After five years away, I have rejoined a gym. I used to exercise regularly, but busyness and laziness overtook my self-motivation. I went in for my orientation this week, which was part of the start-up package. I came away understanding that exercise is truly a science. Who knew that a computer could calculate my cardio fitness level as I lay flat on my back for three minutes? Moreover, the trainer's advice shed light on the fact that there are many ways to work out, but not all are profitable. And in that, I saw an analogy to training up kids.
Weight lifting used to be all about gaining bulk and strength. Weight trainers were musclemen - wimps need not apply. But as the public turned on to exercise, gyms became "fitness centers" and cardio machines replaced weight benches. Now, most of the public works out to "get in shape". But they aren't all succeeding. Why?
The answer has to do with what the trainer shared with me. A healthy body has a lot to do with body composition. Everyone, regardless of their weight, has a certain amount of lean muscle tissue and a certain amount of fat. The goal of a 30 minutes on the treadmill is not just to burn calories but to burn fat, which in turn is dependent on exercising at a target heart rate. The trainer said he's seen people work out for months and end up with the same body they started with; they lost some sweat, breath, and pounds, but their body makeup remained unchanged. In other words, progress isn't just a matter of losing weight, it's a process of transforming your own makeup - exchanging fat tissue for lean. Working out "wrong" will at worst lead to injury but at best lead to an unchanged body - time and money basically wasted.
Another friend of mine, who is also a personal trainer, says most people aren't interested in doing what it takes to actually be in shape, they just want to look in shape - a flatter stomach, firmer thighs, bigger arms, and so on. He's trying to teach them to work out for fitness and they want to work out for looks. One serves health; the other, vanity.
Here, then, is the question for churches in their work with kids: is the net effect of our programming - our teaching, our events, our modeling - bringing kids into a transformational relationship with their Lord; or, is it a great religious exercise that delivers some fruit and coaxes right answers, but little more? Are we leading them towards being re-made, or are we just extracting sweat and effort?
What is the goal - outward conformity or inner transformation? Are we content just to have kids mouth simple truths, or are we in the much harder business of molding their character?
The latter takes time, and patience with who they are now, not just a fixation on what we wish they were. It also requires the willingness to let them stumble, even fail - because growth, after all, is largely a process of recovering from our missteps. The opposite tack that so many churches have adopted is to manage kids into exhibiting a narrow set of behaviors we've chosen for them, and producing these by coercion or manipulation (prizes, payments, grades). I would question whether this is the proper job of a parent. It certainly is not the job of the church.
But we, the church, are at fault for assuming that role - Sunday School as Charm School - and the expectations that accompany it. A certain look is now expected of us - that at all times and in all things children will be quiet, mannerly "young men and women". We've become valued as a tool of socialization - we raise kids who don't rock the boat - instead of as the incubator of change agents. When was the last time our churches challenged kids to be bold, to be visionary, to assert themselves in righting wrongs, to fight injustice? Instead, we are valued as places of safety, happiness, and conformity. Was this Christ's mandate?
Zach Hunter is a spokesman for The Amazing Change, a movement to abolish slavery worldwide. He wrote a book called "Be the Change" and was instrumental in Amazing Grace Sunday, a day devoted to raising the issue in churches (in conjunction with the release of the movie Amazing Grace earlier this year). Inspired by Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, and William Wilberforce, he speaks to "his generation" - teens and 20-somethings - about ending slavery during their lifetimes. He, by the way, is 15. His "Loose Change to Loosen Chains" project raised more than $8,500 at his Christian school in Virginia. That's when he was 12.
We are able to determine someone's body composition; what would we see if we could tell a child's heart composition? Is there a passion in there for the poor, for outcasts, for sinners, for justice - for anything beyond PlayStation and the next big movie-of-the-summer? Are the kids who graduate our church programs really any different from well-behaved non-Christian kids? If all we turn out are strivers with pleasant manners, how will we convince them (or anyone) down the road that Christ makes any difference in a life at all - or that he is himself worth living for?
Weight lifting used to be all about gaining bulk and strength. Weight trainers were musclemen - wimps need not apply. But as the public turned on to exercise, gyms became "fitness centers" and cardio machines replaced weight benches. Now, most of the public works out to "get in shape". But they aren't all succeeding. Why?
The answer has to do with what the trainer shared with me. A healthy body has a lot to do with body composition. Everyone, regardless of their weight, has a certain amount of lean muscle tissue and a certain amount of fat. The goal of a 30 minutes on the treadmill is not just to burn calories but to burn fat, which in turn is dependent on exercising at a target heart rate. The trainer said he's seen people work out for months and end up with the same body they started with; they lost some sweat, breath, and pounds, but their body makeup remained unchanged. In other words, progress isn't just a matter of losing weight, it's a process of transforming your own makeup - exchanging fat tissue for lean. Working out "wrong" will at worst lead to injury but at best lead to an unchanged body - time and money basically wasted.
Another friend of mine, who is also a personal trainer, says most people aren't interested in doing what it takes to actually be in shape, they just want to look in shape - a flatter stomach, firmer thighs, bigger arms, and so on. He's trying to teach them to work out for fitness and they want to work out for looks. One serves health; the other, vanity.
Here, then, is the question for churches in their work with kids: is the net effect of our programming - our teaching, our events, our modeling - bringing kids into a transformational relationship with their Lord; or, is it a great religious exercise that delivers some fruit and coaxes right answers, but little more? Are we leading them towards being re-made, or are we just extracting sweat and effort?
What is the goal - outward conformity or inner transformation? Are we content just to have kids mouth simple truths, or are we in the much harder business of molding their character?
The latter takes time, and patience with who they are now, not just a fixation on what we wish they were. It also requires the willingness to let them stumble, even fail - because growth, after all, is largely a process of recovering from our missteps. The opposite tack that so many churches have adopted is to manage kids into exhibiting a narrow set of behaviors we've chosen for them, and producing these by coercion or manipulation (prizes, payments, grades). I would question whether this is the proper job of a parent. It certainly is not the job of the church.
But we, the church, are at fault for assuming that role - Sunday School as Charm School - and the expectations that accompany it. A certain look is now expected of us - that at all times and in all things children will be quiet, mannerly "young men and women". We've become valued as a tool of socialization - we raise kids who don't rock the boat - instead of as the incubator of change agents. When was the last time our churches challenged kids to be bold, to be visionary, to assert themselves in righting wrongs, to fight injustice? Instead, we are valued as places of safety, happiness, and conformity. Was this Christ's mandate?
Zach Hunter is a spokesman for The Amazing Change, a movement to abolish slavery worldwide. He wrote a book called "Be the Change" and was instrumental in Amazing Grace Sunday, a day devoted to raising the issue in churches (in conjunction with the release of the movie Amazing Grace earlier this year). Inspired by Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, and William Wilberforce, he speaks to "his generation" - teens and 20-somethings - about ending slavery during their lifetimes. He, by the way, is 15. His "Loose Change to Loosen Chains" project raised more than $8,500 at his Christian school in Virginia. That's when he was 12.
We are able to determine someone's body composition; what would we see if we could tell a child's heart composition? Is there a passion in there for the poor, for outcasts, for sinners, for justice - for anything beyond PlayStation and the next big movie-of-the-summer? Are the kids who graduate our church programs really any different from well-behaved non-Christian kids? If all we turn out are strivers with pleasant manners, how will we convince them (or anyone) down the road that Christ makes any difference in a life at all - or that he is himself worth living for?
Friday, June 29, 2007
The Sad Case of Kristin Helms
I heard a radio interview recently with the mother of Kristin Helms, an Orange County 15-year-old who committed suicide in 2006 after a 29-year-old man from Texas broke off their relationship. They met on the Internet.
The story is perplexing because Kristin's parents, by her mother's account, were not ignorant, or negligent, or disengaged, or aloof. And yet, their daughter, at the age of 14, was able to initate and sustain a relationship with a man twice her age that turned sexual and eventually led to her deep depression and suicide.
Kristin met Kiley Ryan Bowers through his webpage the summer before her ninth grade year. He in turn helped her set up a profile on MySpace.com and they began regular correspondence that included sending each other explicit photos. Kristin's parents weren't completely hip to the teen Internet scene - but their son was, and with his help, they discovered her MySpace profile (this was in the early stages of their relationship), deleted it, and took away her computer for five-and-a-half months.
We don't need to speculate about what happened. About a month before she died, Kristin shared everything with her mother Danielle, confessing that she'd kept up the relationship behind her parents' back. In the radio interview, Danielle described their relationship as close and open. Kristin did not fit the profile of a troubled kid. She got good grades and was pleasant at home - "an absolute joy to have as a daughter," Danielle says. Mrs. Helms purposefully worked from home for 18 years in order to be with her kids and acknowledges others would consider her "overprotective."
For one thing, Mrs. Helms rightly points out that girls are emotionally vulnerable and prone to flattery - the exact thing that makes them easy targets for men who are skilled at crafting writtten messages. "We always worry about our sons and pornography on the Internet, but the written word is incredibly powerful for the young ladies out there," she says. Her recommendation? No computers in bedrooms - and beyond that, parents need to remain vigilant about family computer access when parents are asleep or away.
We ignore the depth of our kids' emotions at our peril. For whatever reason, Kristin - and doubtless millions of other 14-year-olds like her - was desperate for the attention, intimacy and affirmation that Kiley Bowers gave her from four states away. The academic achievement, the attention of her parents, the relationships with her school friends were not filling her emotional tank. So what probably started as a harmless chat session or e-mail to Bowers' Geocities webpage paved the road for sex, and ultimately suicide.
But my hope for the other would-be Kristins out there is that we not only protect, but nurture girls in such a way that the nagging unworthiness that plagues so many of them can be vanquished. Mary Pipher writes about this need in her landmark book Reviving Ophelia, observing that sometime prior to age 13, most girls' childhood exhuberance is crowded out by a crippling self-consciousness and nagging sense that they are not "enough": not pretty enough, not smart enough, not loveable, not intrinsically valuable. As a result, they begin to conform to a mold that isn't really them. They live to meet everyone's unhealthy expectations and not for their own good. Eating disorders, depression, promiscuity, and abuse are some of the symptoms.
It is, of course, during the pre-adolescent years that we can build a healthy sense of self in girls and then continue to bolster and reinforce that through high school. The real question isn't where to put the computer; it is what's missing in a girl's heart that she would look for love there?
"Mom, I had no idea I would get so emotionally attached."
It is, of course, during the pre-adolescent years that we can build a healthy sense of self in girls and then continue to bolster and reinforce that through high school. The real question isn't where to put the computer; it is what's missing in a girl's heart that she would look for love there?
"Mom, I had no idea I would get so emotionally attached."
Friday, June 22, 2007
Kids and Paris
Now that Paris Hilton has faded somewhat from the headlines, allow me to unceremoniously resurrect the issue so that I can draw your attention to a fascinating article that appeared in the Union-Tribune two weekends ago.
At first glance, the report is comforting: pre-teens, rather than idolizing Paris, largely frown on her antics and think she deserved to go to jail. But there's a deeper question behind that, which the article broached: if they now disapprove of Paris' bad behavior, will they continue to feel that way as they get older? The answer: not necessarily.
So what happens between the end of childhood innocence and the onset of full-fledged adolescence that causes a softening in moral convictions, if not a 180-degree shift? How do kids go from, "That's wrong" to "It's not my place to judge"?
From the article (also linked at right, titled "Out of the Mouths of Babes"): "The prevailing wisdom is that exposure to vast amounts of gossip...is leading America's impressionable 8-to-12-year-old girls into the gutter. But the reality is more complex.
"In interviews, tweens tend to be highly judgmental of the much-publicized antics, turning them into age-appropriate morality tales that would make their parents proud and bring comfort to those who fear the next generation will be made up of pantyless party girls known more for their DWIs than their GPAs."
But, the article goes on to note that child development experts aren't surprised by that at all. Pre-teens tend to think concretely (right is right and wrong is wrong and making me clear the table two nights in a row is NOT FAIR) and are, notes one expert quoted in the article, "really heavily under the influence of their parents." The turning point comes for many kids at age 12 or 13, when peer influence and the quest for cool supplant ethical instincts. As a result, kids who swore they'd never take drugs, dabble; those who condemned criminal behavior, shoplift; those who profess drunkeness to be a waste, consume. Or, as the editor of CosmoGirl magazine says, despite their attitudes when young, by the time they're in high school, "every kid is trying to have a Paris Hilton kind of night at their prom."
But the killer quote comes from a guy named David Walsh, founder of the National Institute on Media and the Family. Noting that kids today face an onslaught of adult influences, Walsh says they are nonetheless not emotionally equipped to deal with what they take in. "A kid can write a well-thought-out essay about why a behavior is not good, but that doesn't mean it's going to carry over into their behavior."
Walsh hits on something that's often ignored in the quest to "teach kids right from wrong". He is suggesting - and I agree - that there is more to a child and teenager's moral decision making than just recalling slogans or early convictions that were planted in them; rather, that their emotional development is a critical factor in being able to act and (not just) think morally. It's the reason why, for instance, Just Say No clubs and the DARE program and other such well-intentioned programs have such low success rates - not because they're not teaching valuable information, but because they assume that lack of information is at the bedrock of risky behaviors. (This further explains why "What were you thinking?" is seldom a useful question when confronting your child's poor moral choices: thinking isn't necessarily driving their behavior.) The other way to look at it is to acknowledge that in addition to being able to cognitively distinguish right from wrong, kids need to develop the skills and self-awareness - in other words, the emotional maturity - to execute good decisions.
I was one of those people who went into working with young people because I wanted to help them "make good choices". I have seen all kinds of schemes: parents offering gifts and money to kids who will keep themselves from drugs and alcohol; parents (and schools) who pay for grades; SADD contracts; anti-drug rallies; staged drunk driving crashes, usually presented the week before the prom; chastity rings; summer camps where kids swear off every vice known to man; graphic lectures on STDs; and on and on. These are sad enough. What's worse is the climate they create. When a student lapses, there is little left to dish out but guilt and shame: You know better! We trusted you! etc. etc.
What I know now, after 14 years, is that training up moral kids isn't as simple as getting them to make a solemn promise or repeat a mantra. It is starting from a point of realism, that these are unsophisticated kids grappling with a very sophisticated world, and then determining to come alongside them when they're pre-teens to outfit them with the tools they need to act according to a set of convictions. What are those tools? Certainly they would include things such as discernment, empathy, self-control & delayed gratification, other-awareness and centeredness (the world doesn't revolve around me), compassion, wisdom, grace, and autonomy - and more.
The subject of emotional intelligence has only been around for about 15 years, but it's not pop science and it's not psychobabble. Emotional Intelligence by Dr. Daniel Goleman is an excellent place to start, as is Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson (linked at right). We are emotional creatures as surely as we are physical and spiritual and intellectual, and emotional growth should be as highly valued as any other kind of growth, especially in light of how important those tools are in helping kids navigate the adult world they will soon inhabit.
At first glance, the report is comforting: pre-teens, rather than idolizing Paris, largely frown on her antics and think she deserved to go to jail. But there's a deeper question behind that, which the article broached: if they now disapprove of Paris' bad behavior, will they continue to feel that way as they get older? The answer: not necessarily.
So what happens between the end of childhood innocence and the onset of full-fledged adolescence that causes a softening in moral convictions, if not a 180-degree shift? How do kids go from, "That's wrong" to "It's not my place to judge"?
From the article (also linked at right, titled "Out of the Mouths of Babes"): "The prevailing wisdom is that exposure to vast amounts of gossip...is leading America's impressionable 8-to-12-year-old girls into the gutter. But the reality is more complex.
"In interviews, tweens tend to be highly judgmental of the much-publicized antics, turning them into age-appropriate morality tales that would make their parents proud and bring comfort to those who fear the next generation will be made up of pantyless party girls known more for their DWIs than their GPAs."
But, the article goes on to note that child development experts aren't surprised by that at all. Pre-teens tend to think concretely (right is right and wrong is wrong and making me clear the table two nights in a row is NOT FAIR) and are, notes one expert quoted in the article, "really heavily under the influence of their parents." The turning point comes for many kids at age 12 or 13, when peer influence and the quest for cool supplant ethical instincts. As a result, kids who swore they'd never take drugs, dabble; those who condemned criminal behavior, shoplift; those who profess drunkeness to be a waste, consume. Or, as the editor of CosmoGirl magazine says, despite their attitudes when young, by the time they're in high school, "every kid is trying to have a Paris Hilton kind of night at their prom."
But the killer quote comes from a guy named David Walsh, founder of the National Institute on Media and the Family. Noting that kids today face an onslaught of adult influences, Walsh says they are nonetheless not emotionally equipped to deal with what they take in. "A kid can write a well-thought-out essay about why a behavior is not good, but that doesn't mean it's going to carry over into their behavior."
Walsh hits on something that's often ignored in the quest to "teach kids right from wrong". He is suggesting - and I agree - that there is more to a child and teenager's moral decision making than just recalling slogans or early convictions that were planted in them; rather, that their emotional development is a critical factor in being able to act and (not just) think morally. It's the reason why, for instance, Just Say No clubs and the DARE program and other such well-intentioned programs have such low success rates - not because they're not teaching valuable information, but because they assume that lack of information is at the bedrock of risky behaviors. (This further explains why "What were you thinking?" is seldom a useful question when confronting your child's poor moral choices: thinking isn't necessarily driving their behavior.) The other way to look at it is to acknowledge that in addition to being able to cognitively distinguish right from wrong, kids need to develop the skills and self-awareness - in other words, the emotional maturity - to execute good decisions.
I was one of those people who went into working with young people because I wanted to help them "make good choices". I have seen all kinds of schemes: parents offering gifts and money to kids who will keep themselves from drugs and alcohol; parents (and schools) who pay for grades; SADD contracts; anti-drug rallies; staged drunk driving crashes, usually presented the week before the prom; chastity rings; summer camps where kids swear off every vice known to man; graphic lectures on STDs; and on and on. These are sad enough. What's worse is the climate they create. When a student lapses, there is little left to dish out but guilt and shame: You know better! We trusted you! etc. etc.
What I know now, after 14 years, is that training up moral kids isn't as simple as getting them to make a solemn promise or repeat a mantra. It is starting from a point of realism, that these are unsophisticated kids grappling with a very sophisticated world, and then determining to come alongside them when they're pre-teens to outfit them with the tools they need to act according to a set of convictions. What are those tools? Certainly they would include things such as discernment, empathy, self-control & delayed gratification, other-awareness and centeredness (the world doesn't revolve around me), compassion, wisdom, grace, and autonomy - and more.
The subject of emotional intelligence has only been around for about 15 years, but it's not pop science and it's not psychobabble. Emotional Intelligence by Dr. Daniel Goleman is an excellent place to start, as is Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson (linked at right). We are emotional creatures as surely as we are physical and spiritual and intellectual, and emotional growth should be as highly valued as any other kind of growth, especially in light of how important those tools are in helping kids navigate the adult world they will soon inhabit.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Welcome 3rd Grade Parents
The past few weeks have been a time of transition in our ministry. Yet it didn't really hit me until this past weekend. Third graders - soon to be fourth graders - are so...little! They're kids, in every sense of the word. Did you know that a 10-year-old's body and heart are in such proportion that they are naturally constituted for physical activity - which explains why they can go and go and go?
But get ready. With this newsletter, we are welcoming them and you, their parents, to the world of (gulp) pre-teen ministry.
This is Hitting Home. We send out this newsletter, and a link to this blog, by e-mail every week to 4th, 5th, and 6th grade parents to keep them in the know about what's going on in "their" ministry at NCCC. We've found that paper handouts in class don't often reach the attention of the parents for whom they were intended. So in the newsletter you'll find info & links on all of our upcoming events. But, just as a good ministry is more than just "a bunch of stuff to do", we want this newsletter and these blogs to be a ministry to you.
It doesn't take a genius to understand that the home environment can make or break a child spiritually. Your influence is that profound. Yet for all the lip service paid in the American church to the idea that "parents are the primary disciplers of their children", there's an almost insurmountable wall that's been constructed between adult and children's ministries (also sometimes unfortunately known as "big church" and "childcare"): moms and dads come to church and do their thing, while children's ministry does its thing, and never do the two meet.
We're working to change that. For one thing, it's impossible that in one hour a week, we're going to get very far personally impacting a child. Now I don't discount the effect a strong leader can have on a child, even after only a few encounters. And yes, churches have resources at their disposal (the lights! the music! the excitement!) that allow us to create an environment you can't approach in your living room. But - and this remains true from the moment your child is born until they leave home around 18 (unless you surrender the responsibility) - parents are the most consistent, persistent, and willing influences in their child's life, bar none.
Consistent - Only a parent is in a position to spend the amount of time and enjoy the amount of access to their own child that they do. There is powerful influence that comes with being the last person they see when they go to bed at night and the first they see when they wake up in the morning. No one else has known your child intimately from the day they were born, and can attest to their growth and development like you can.
Persistent - No one else gets the chance for as regular an amount of contact, and therefore influence, on your child as you do. Again and again you are in a position to help them make sense of life, to learn from failures, to develop character.
Willing - No one loves your child more than you do. No one cares more over the long haul. Few would make the sacrifices you would, and have, for your kid.
Those are ideals. Not every parent participates as consistently as they ought to, or is as persistent as they might be, or sustains the will to be the necessary influence. But the reason that's a shame is that when a parent does assume those roles, nothing can supplant them. To put it another way, a parent stands at a position of unique potential, and to step into that role and fulfill that potential is to answer the call of duty of parenting.
Peers are not the most willing, persistent, and consistent influences in your child's life, not now or when they're teenagers...unless you let them assume that position. School is not the most willing, persistent, and consistent influence...unless by virtue of the lack of parental input or interest, the only guidance and wisdom a child receives comes from there. TV and movies are not the most willing, persistent, and consistent influences in your child's life...unless you've ceded family and personal time so much that Hollywood gets to be the chief determinant of norms and values in your child's mind.
So in view of this, our role is clear: we are about helping you step up to the role that has rightly been reserved for you, and helping you do it really well. This blog is written weekly by me, a guy with no special training and who is himself not a parent, but who brings 14 years of working with young people in a variety of contexts to the table, along with an understanding that any church program that aims to transform children without reaching into the home is overestimating its own efficacy.
So along with the "here's-what's-going-on news", this newsletter and blog are primarily about opening two dialogues: one, between you and your child (which is why we include weekly discussion questions that are based on what your child experienced in class on the weekend), and the other, between the church and you. We are happy to share resources and are working hard even now to develop programs for parents that are responsive to the issues facing 21st Century moms and dads. Please tell us - what are the greatest challenges in raising children, pre-teens, and teenagers, and how can the church best serve you? We don't want to succeed in spite of parents or in place of them, but because of them.
So, welcome. Explore the links. Learn about pre-teens. They're a great bunch. And let's make a weekly date to meet here.
But get ready. With this newsletter, we are welcoming them and you, their parents, to the world of (gulp) pre-teen ministry.
This is Hitting Home. We send out this newsletter, and a link to this blog, by e-mail every week to 4th, 5th, and 6th grade parents to keep them in the know about what's going on in "their" ministry at NCCC. We've found that paper handouts in class don't often reach the attention of the parents for whom they were intended. So in the newsletter you'll find info & links on all of our upcoming events. But, just as a good ministry is more than just "a bunch of stuff to do", we want this newsletter and these blogs to be a ministry to you.
It doesn't take a genius to understand that the home environment can make or break a child spiritually. Your influence is that profound. Yet for all the lip service paid in the American church to the idea that "parents are the primary disciplers of their children", there's an almost insurmountable wall that's been constructed between adult and children's ministries (also sometimes unfortunately known as "big church" and "childcare"): moms and dads come to church and do their thing, while children's ministry does its thing, and never do the two meet.
We're working to change that. For one thing, it's impossible that in one hour a week, we're going to get very far personally impacting a child. Now I don't discount the effect a strong leader can have on a child, even after only a few encounters. And yes, churches have resources at their disposal (the lights! the music! the excitement!) that allow us to create an environment you can't approach in your living room. But - and this remains true from the moment your child is born until they leave home around 18 (unless you surrender the responsibility) - parents are the most consistent, persistent, and willing influences in their child's life, bar none.
Consistent - Only a parent is in a position to spend the amount of time and enjoy the amount of access to their own child that they do. There is powerful influence that comes with being the last person they see when they go to bed at night and the first they see when they wake up in the morning. No one else has known your child intimately from the day they were born, and can attest to their growth and development like you can.
Persistent - No one else gets the chance for as regular an amount of contact, and therefore influence, on your child as you do. Again and again you are in a position to help them make sense of life, to learn from failures, to develop character.
Willing - No one loves your child more than you do. No one cares more over the long haul. Few would make the sacrifices you would, and have, for your kid.
Those are ideals. Not every parent participates as consistently as they ought to, or is as persistent as they might be, or sustains the will to be the necessary influence. But the reason that's a shame is that when a parent does assume those roles, nothing can supplant them. To put it another way, a parent stands at a position of unique potential, and to step into that role and fulfill that potential is to answer the call of duty of parenting.
Peers are not the most willing, persistent, and consistent influences in your child's life, not now or when they're teenagers...unless you let them assume that position. School is not the most willing, persistent, and consistent influence...unless by virtue of the lack of parental input or interest, the only guidance and wisdom a child receives comes from there. TV and movies are not the most willing, persistent, and consistent influences in your child's life...unless you've ceded family and personal time so much that Hollywood gets to be the chief determinant of norms and values in your child's mind.
So in view of this, our role is clear: we are about helping you step up to the role that has rightly been reserved for you, and helping you do it really well. This blog is written weekly by me, a guy with no special training and who is himself not a parent, but who brings 14 years of working with young people in a variety of contexts to the table, along with an understanding that any church program that aims to transform children without reaching into the home is overestimating its own efficacy.
So along with the "here's-what's-going-on news", this newsletter and blog are primarily about opening two dialogues: one, between you and your child (which is why we include weekly discussion questions that are based on what your child experienced in class on the weekend), and the other, between the church and you. We are happy to share resources and are working hard even now to develop programs for parents that are responsive to the issues facing 21st Century moms and dads. Please tell us - what are the greatest challenges in raising children, pre-teens, and teenagers, and how can the church best serve you? We don't want to succeed in spite of parents or in place of them, but because of them.
So, welcome. Explore the links. Learn about pre-teens. They're a great bunch. And let's make a weekly date to meet here.
Monday, June 11, 2007
...but God made it grow
I got a pretty unexpected phone call Thursday night.
Matt was a kid who came to our youth group at my old church in Virginia two years ago. He was a junior in high school and new to the church scene. It was easy to give Matt grace - he was genuinely ignorant of a lot of "church knowledge" we take for granted that kids have.
After I jumped coasts in 2005, Matt was one of a score of kids I lost contact with. Until last week. What happened to him is a testimony to the importance of time to spiritual growth, and a reminder that over and above our ministry efforts, no matter how noble or intensive, the one who makes things grow is God.
Matt came to us completely immersed in the world. He was not from a churched background and the combination of friendship that he found in our group and the fact that the message was radically different than anything he'd encountered kept him coming back. It didn't take him long to affiliate with us, and then to self-identify as a Christian. But Matt went the path that many teenage Christians do when confronted with the depth of their sin - he resolved to "try harder" for God. He became a disciplined striver, determined to be better. This is performance, not grace; denial, not repentance.
When I left Virginia he was still hanging on, wanting to be a Christian, but finding his will to be weak. I left genuinely uncertain what would happen between him and God. Frankly, too, there's a hubris that takes over once you get to know someone and understand their spiritual obstacles - a sense that you've done all you can and that "some people will just never change". Not that I'd given up on him, I just didn't see how or when the breakthrough might come; the deck was stacked against him. In a year he'd be off to college and his "Christian phase" would probably be over.
But what did happen was that Matt went off to college - away from the only Christian support network he had - and God showed up. At just the right time, Matt suddenly had the grace and love he'd wanted, but couldn't take hold of in high school - despite all of our best efforts. The Matt I talked to last week is a changed person. He has grown spiritually in a way he was striving after, but couldn't realize. He finally gets it.
What does Paul say in 1 Corinthians 3? "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow." That's verse 6; verse 7 is the humbler: "So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow." I have long thought in ministry (and parenting is a form of ministry!) that a long-term perspective is the only one to have. Considering that God's timeline is eternal, "long term" means loooooong term. Now consider what's working against that reality. Ministries want results. Crusades count decisions. Many churches have adopted business models (not just business practices) to accomplish ministry to get things done now...bigger...better...with excellence.
And as parents - you want good grades (now), good behavior (now), on-target development (now), progress shown for the lessons or leagues you're investing in. In other words - are my kids doing well? Do they speak well, look well, act well, read well, add & subtract well? Results in the short-term are answered by gauging them. But the best way to predict long-term results is to gauge ourselves. If we believe God makes things grow, then the question we ought to direct inward is: how's the seed planting going? Have you prepped the soil? Are you tending diligently? Are you watering? Most importantly, are you patient enough for the results? Are you faithful?
2 Timothy 2:13 tells us that faithfulness is an unchangeable part of God's character. I am so faithless. Things don't happen on schedule and I fall apart. I start to doubt the calling. I question other people's motives. It's hard to be "just a seed planter" when you seldom, if ever, see them grow to fruition.
But it's our calling. We plant. We water. We wait. Sometimes we get to witness remarkable transformation in a person that you know could have only come from God. Then we wait some more. And maybe all the waiting serves the purpose of reminding us how central God is.
Matt was a kid who came to our youth group at my old church in Virginia two years ago. He was a junior in high school and new to the church scene. It was easy to give Matt grace - he was genuinely ignorant of a lot of "church knowledge" we take for granted that kids have.
After I jumped coasts in 2005, Matt was one of a score of kids I lost contact with. Until last week. What happened to him is a testimony to the importance of time to spiritual growth, and a reminder that over and above our ministry efforts, no matter how noble or intensive, the one who makes things grow is God.
Matt came to us completely immersed in the world. He was not from a churched background and the combination of friendship that he found in our group and the fact that the message was radically different than anything he'd encountered kept him coming back. It didn't take him long to affiliate with us, and then to self-identify as a Christian. But Matt went the path that many teenage Christians do when confronted with the depth of their sin - he resolved to "try harder" for God. He became a disciplined striver, determined to be better. This is performance, not grace; denial, not repentance.
When I left Virginia he was still hanging on, wanting to be a Christian, but finding his will to be weak. I left genuinely uncertain what would happen between him and God. Frankly, too, there's a hubris that takes over once you get to know someone and understand their spiritual obstacles - a sense that you've done all you can and that "some people will just never change". Not that I'd given up on him, I just didn't see how or when the breakthrough might come; the deck was stacked against him. In a year he'd be off to college and his "Christian phase" would probably be over.
But what did happen was that Matt went off to college - away from the only Christian support network he had - and God showed up. At just the right time, Matt suddenly had the grace and love he'd wanted, but couldn't take hold of in high school - despite all of our best efforts. The Matt I talked to last week is a changed person. He has grown spiritually in a way he was striving after, but couldn't realize. He finally gets it.
What does Paul say in 1 Corinthians 3? "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow." That's verse 6; verse 7 is the humbler: "So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow." I have long thought in ministry (and parenting is a form of ministry!) that a long-term perspective is the only one to have. Considering that God's timeline is eternal, "long term" means loooooong term. Now consider what's working against that reality. Ministries want results. Crusades count decisions. Many churches have adopted business models (not just business practices) to accomplish ministry to get things done now...bigger...better...with excellence.
And as parents - you want good grades (now), good behavior (now), on-target development (now), progress shown for the lessons or leagues you're investing in. In other words - are my kids doing well? Do they speak well, look well, act well, read well, add & subtract well? Results in the short-term are answered by gauging them. But the best way to predict long-term results is to gauge ourselves. If we believe God makes things grow, then the question we ought to direct inward is: how's the seed planting going? Have you prepped the soil? Are you tending diligently? Are you watering? Most importantly, are you patient enough for the results? Are you faithful?
2 Timothy 2:13 tells us that faithfulness is an unchangeable part of God's character. I am so faithless. Things don't happen on schedule and I fall apart. I start to doubt the calling. I question other people's motives. It's hard to be "just a seed planter" when you seldom, if ever, see them grow to fruition.
But it's our calling. We plant. We water. We wait. Sometimes we get to witness remarkable transformation in a person that you know could have only come from God. Then we wait some more. And maybe all the waiting serves the purpose of reminding us how central God is.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Letting Kids Do It
He grasped blindly beneath the seat of his wheelchair for one end of the seatbelt. His fingers fumbled it awkwardly as he brought the buckle up into his lap. He couldn't see that it was twisted backwards and that without adjustment it wouldn't be able to latch into the receiving end. I so badly wanted to take it from him, secure the belt, and push him out the door. Lunch was waiting. But the necessity of his autonomy outweighed my need for efficiency. For at least two minutes he tried without success to snap the ends together, before he finally looked to me for help. With the belt snapped into place, he resolutely gripped the wheels and began his long, slow journey to the lunchroom.
Thursday was my last day of substitute teaching. I've been a sub in the Oceanside School District for the last nine months. Being a stranger to a different group of kids nearly every day made for a great field experience. I'd forgotten how much young kids tattle (constantly!) and how important playground justice is in the mind of a 4th grader.
Some of my most enjoyable assignments, though, were in special ed. Every day there are victories - a concrete lesson in what kids can achieve when they are consistently presented with realistic goals and lovingly challenged to meet them. It's also a testament to the need to allow kids the time and space to accomplish things on their own.
Say what you will about the complexity and burden of the system, but one thing special ed gets right is that every student's program is individualized. Isn't this how it should be, even for normally developing kids? (Forget standardized tests - who wants a "standard" kid anyhow?) Each child is given goals - physical, linguistic, social, cognitive - that are attainable, yet a bit of a reach. The school's job is to periodically (though not constantly) assess the student's progress and, when necessary, re-write the goals to build on what's been achieved.
But none of the goals are the ultimate goal. What's happening, of course, is that as students meet ever-increasingly difficult benchmarks, they are gaining independence. Every word they learn to speak or sign is one more step toward unassisted communication. Every word they learn to read or number sequence they recognize means they can take a step away from the adults who have to do it for them - teachers, parents, caregivers - and a step towards becoming self-sufficient.
There's a parallel, I think, in parenting and education. Our job, from birth to 18, is to always be taking the training wheels off, so to speak, so that at the end of the process we've trained up a young person who can function independently of us. The more we continue to do for kids what they can and ought to be doing for themselves, the more we rob them of the chance to build autonomy - in other words, to grow up.
Simply put: Kids who are never allowed to make decisions don't ever learn to make good decisions. They lack the "lab" experience everyone should have growing up, when it's ok to make bad or wrong decisions and learn from them without too much pain. They're overprotected from failure and wrong answers and are stumped as to how to remedy bad decisions. Ask yourself: are you trying to turn out an 18-year-old who will never make a bad decision (an impossibility), or one who is able to learn from their bad decisions?
A case in point: People my age and younger are taking on tremendous amounts of debt. The skyrocketing cost of college and the pressure to be prematurely affluent has turned many of us to credit cards to finance out-of-control spending. When I was in high school, I didn't get much financial education beyond how to balance a fictitious checkbook. Talking about income was considered impolite, so I and others like me learned the real cost of living the hard way. Sooner or later society will catch on to this and start mandating comprehensive personal finance education in high schools; when they do, personal debt and bankruptcies among 20-somethings will decline.
But as it pertains to the 9-to-12-year-old set, what tasks should a child have mastered? Leaving room for individual differences, I would think that list would include the following:
Ordering for themselves at a restaurant
Interacting with a sales clerk at a store
Knowing their home address
Being able to complete a homework assignment, only consulting an adult when needed with help on directions or difficult questions
Basic time management - here is what I need to accomplish, here's the amount of time I should need, here's the amount of time I have
Basic money management - Dividing up money for saving, giving, and spending
Being able to talk to an adult
Being able to play a game with friends from start to finish, following rules and graciously accepting either victory or defeat
As they attempt these developmental tasks, our job is to stand at the side and coach, model, and encourage them. It is not to do it for them. We should always give kids just what they can handle - no more; but no less, to be sure. That's why in our class we've adopted the ethic that we don't do for kids what they can do for themselves. As kids make decisions, it increases their sense of ownership and responsibility, and it changes learning from "jumping through hoops" to equipping kids the with skills and attitudes to think and act Christian.
To take kids seriously spiritually is to believe - not just profess - that kids are the church of the future. Are we training them now to one day lead and run their church? Would kids take us seriously if we told them that was the case?
Thursday was my last day of substitute teaching. I've been a sub in the Oceanside School District for the last nine months. Being a stranger to a different group of kids nearly every day made for a great field experience. I'd forgotten how much young kids tattle (constantly!) and how important playground justice is in the mind of a 4th grader.
Some of my most enjoyable assignments, though, were in special ed. Every day there are victories - a concrete lesson in what kids can achieve when they are consistently presented with realistic goals and lovingly challenged to meet them. It's also a testament to the need to allow kids the time and space to accomplish things on their own.
Say what you will about the complexity and burden of the system, but one thing special ed gets right is that every student's program is individualized. Isn't this how it should be, even for normally developing kids? (Forget standardized tests - who wants a "standard" kid anyhow?) Each child is given goals - physical, linguistic, social, cognitive - that are attainable, yet a bit of a reach. The school's job is to periodically (though not constantly) assess the student's progress and, when necessary, re-write the goals to build on what's been achieved.
But none of the goals are the ultimate goal. What's happening, of course, is that as students meet ever-increasingly difficult benchmarks, they are gaining independence. Every word they learn to speak or sign is one more step toward unassisted communication. Every word they learn to read or number sequence they recognize means they can take a step away from the adults who have to do it for them - teachers, parents, caregivers - and a step towards becoming self-sufficient.
There's a parallel, I think, in parenting and education. Our job, from birth to 18, is to always be taking the training wheels off, so to speak, so that at the end of the process we've trained up a young person who can function independently of us. The more we continue to do for kids what they can and ought to be doing for themselves, the more we rob them of the chance to build autonomy - in other words, to grow up.
Simply put: Kids who are never allowed to make decisions don't ever learn to make good decisions. They lack the "lab" experience everyone should have growing up, when it's ok to make bad or wrong decisions and learn from them without too much pain. They're overprotected from failure and wrong answers and are stumped as to how to remedy bad decisions. Ask yourself: are you trying to turn out an 18-year-old who will never make a bad decision (an impossibility), or one who is able to learn from their bad decisions?
A case in point: People my age and younger are taking on tremendous amounts of debt. The skyrocketing cost of college and the pressure to be prematurely affluent has turned many of us to credit cards to finance out-of-control spending. When I was in high school, I didn't get much financial education beyond how to balance a fictitious checkbook. Talking about income was considered impolite, so I and others like me learned the real cost of living the hard way. Sooner or later society will catch on to this and start mandating comprehensive personal finance education in high schools; when they do, personal debt and bankruptcies among 20-somethings will decline.
But as it pertains to the 9-to-12-year-old set, what tasks should a child have mastered? Leaving room for individual differences, I would think that list would include the following:
Ordering for themselves at a restaurant
Interacting with a sales clerk at a store
Knowing their home address
Being able to complete a homework assignment, only consulting an adult when needed with help on directions or difficult questions
Basic time management - here is what I need to accomplish, here's the amount of time I should need, here's the amount of time I have
Basic money management - Dividing up money for saving, giving, and spending
Being able to talk to an adult
Being able to play a game with friends from start to finish, following rules and graciously accepting either victory or defeat
As they attempt these developmental tasks, our job is to stand at the side and coach, model, and encourage them. It is not to do it for them. We should always give kids just what they can handle - no more; but no less, to be sure. That's why in our class we've adopted the ethic that we don't do for kids what they can do for themselves. As kids make decisions, it increases their sense of ownership and responsibility, and it changes learning from "jumping through hoops" to equipping kids the with skills and attitudes to think and act Christian.
To take kids seriously spiritually is to believe - not just profess - that kids are the church of the future. Are we training them now to one day lead and run their church? Would kids take us seriously if we told them that was the case?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)