What does it take to raise kids who love God and remain in love with him the rest of their lives?
That is the question we as Christian educators and parents need to keep returning to, and it's the question I set out to answer last Spring. Lacking an overall vision, our programming and parenting can just be a series of reactive enterprises - responding to this crisis, counteracting this trend, repairing that breach. It contributes to the disgraceful statistic that around 70% of active churchgoing teenagers walks away from the church once they reach college. So I began asking questions: when a student is able to defy the statistic and maintain a vital spiritual life beyond high school - why? What are the factors at work? And equally as important, when students fail to keep their faith - why not?
I'll admit that even addressing a question like this reflects a bias towards ministry. Can God accomplish anything? Yes, but he has given us the charge to minister, the "ministry of reconciliation", as 2 Corinthians 5 puts it. He wants to share the work with us. To believe that ministry and the efforts of the local church matter isn't unfaithful. Knowing what God wants you to do and not doing it - that's unfaithful. We should absolutely work, as I wrote a few weeks ago, to give our kids every spiritual advantage.
My unscientific sample was kids I'd worked with over the last 14 years, in ministry contexts and non-ministry contexts, as well as the kids I now work with in 4th-6th grade. What is it about kids who are spiritually strong? What do they have in their lives that has pushed and is pushing them toward the path that leads to Christ, and ultimately to their salvation and transformation? And among kids who were raised in the church but have faltered in their faith, what went wrong?
When I began to answer this question, I started in the wrong place. I first tried to depict what a transformed child looks like - what do they know, what do they say, what do they do - in short, how does a truly transformed child live out his or her faith? But as I mulled that over I realized it was the wrong question, because there is no one answer. Focusing on behaviors is a tricky thing, and a trap that can produce kids who are empty shells with pleasing exteriors and rotten or vacant interiors. (See my post last week on Tim Smith's book, "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids.") It simply becomes too easy, and too tempting, to try to engineer the end product by whatever means (usually rewards and punishments) and lose sight of the more important question, which is, what is this kid made of? What is the fabric of his being? Apart from her present context, what does she really believe, and how will her behavior conform because of it?
The truth is, the way Christianity gets lived out is as different and individualized as the people who adhere to the faith. One person is comfortable evangelizing to total strangers; another wouldn't think of it, but is skilled at forging the relational context (the pre-evangelism) needed to loosen the soil so that the message can later be received. One person loves to sing worship songs; another can't wait for the music to stop, but is first in line when it comes to volunteering. Some are artists, some intellectuals, others athletes, still others business-saavy. God never promises nor intends salvation to be a personality transplant. We remain who we are, fearfully and wonderfully made, and Christ is invited in to transform on his timetable and on his terms: "for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" (Philippians 2:13).
The one common element in those who are being transformed is that they have received Christ into their lives by faith. Yet faith is an intangible - I can only recognize its presence by the outward expressions, or fruit. So if we only are focused on the end product, we're stuck. Instead, we might ask what it is about kids who are evidently saved - who've professed Christ and whose lives demonstrate the handprint of transformation - what got them there? What common factors incline a young person toward the heart of God? What can we do to place kids in the position to be influenced for Christ, that they might become influencers for Christ?
Over the next nine weeks I'll be detailing here what I believe are nine factors a parent can build into their child's life to help them thrive spiritually. This is a synopsis of the presentation I gave on September 13. Are there only nine factors? No, there may be 99, or 909. My intent was not to develop a formula or recipe for engineering a young Christian. Rather, I want to give you a practical way to evaluate the spiritual advantages your child does or does not possess. These nine factors have also become a guide for me in ministry, some tangible "sub goals" we can partner with families on in pursuit of the real goal.
One note: the tendency of many youth ministries has been to identify one or two critical factors and seize on those at the expense of others: Christian kids should only date other Christians; they can't drink or smoke; they need to be in a small group; they must remain morally pure; they need to commit entire books (usually New Testament letters) to memory; they need to become skilled in apologetics; and so on. What often happens is that in a well-meaning attempt to guard kids against faith derailment, attaining the critical factor itself becomes the goal. Any youth pastor can tell you about kids who've made it through 12th grade and not only have they not been sexually active, but they haven't done much of anything else, either. They've avoided the "bad stuff", but there's no passion for Christ, no hunger for the word, no desire to give themselves away. They're content with morality and have passed the test, but they're far from exhibiting transformation. Is this what we want?
The nine factors I'll share with you aren't that kind of checklist. That's defensive Christianity, and it's full of law. I've deliberately tried to write the nine items in constructive language, and to offer parents a question or two that will help them evaluate whether their child possesses that advantage, and some tips on how they might build that into their child's life.
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
The Danger of Raising Nice Kids
There are some books you read that are such a challenge to your thinking that they take a while to digest. For me, I can only read these books in bites - take a portion, mull it over, then dive back in once I've come to terms with it.
But there are other books that you can sail through because the author puts into words things you already believe but have never seen articulated. For me, "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids" by Tim Smith is one of those books.
It would be easy based on the title of his book to read into his message that nice kids themselves are dangerous or something to be avoided, that teaching manners and proper behavior are somehow not worthwhile. But that's not his point at all. The danger of raising nice kids is what often gets sacrificed in the course of engineering a pleasant exterior - the character that lies beneath. When we constantly harp on speech, dress, posture, facial expression, unquestioning obedience, grades, and a host of other performance measures, we - often unwittingly - communicate to our kids that that's all we care about, that as long as they front well (for our sake or for theirs) that's what matters. And, parents - often unwittingly - end up believing that outward appearances are also the goal, and their parenting becomes skewed towards it.
The result, Smith says, is a generation of Christian kids who have it together on the outside but lack character on the inside. They're not selfless, kind, compassionate, loving, authentic - they're only nice. They lack the equipment needed to change their world - which is the subtitle of Smith's book - "Preparing our children to change their world". That really ought to be the main title, since Smith spends more time on solutions than he does diagnosing the problem, but a title like that is bland and it also doesn't direct people's attention to the root of the problem: parenting for outward appearances.
In an age where hypocrisy and inauthenticity drive people away from the church, we desperately need to populate the church with a generation that is the polar opposite of that. Our kids need to practice what they preach - compassion, justice, mercy - and not just mouth those things while living lives that are virtually indistinguishable from those of their non-Christian peers. And Smith would argue that our kids are unable to walk the walk not because of willful disobedience or apathy, but because we haven't given them the skills to be people of character.
By and large, I think the church has gotten character education wrong. We methodically impart the difference between right and wrong; we exhort kids to make right choices (and indeed, "sin management" is the dominant theme if not the driving philosophy in most youth groups); but we abandon them on the playing field. We're the passionate coach who's high on motivation but neglects to teach the game. It's not just knowledge and attitude that drives character development, it's also skills. Without the skills to act according to morals and convictions, a child's knowledge and desire to do right stalls out. And skills, of course, are developed by practice. So, the book is full of chapters like"Showing Empathy", "Demonstrating Compassion", "Developing Discernment", "Courageously Setting Boundaries", as well as practical advice on how to listen, how to admit mistakes and be authetic yourself, how to develop vision and goals for your parenting, and how to impart consequences for misbehavior.
Smith's book is not a how-to manual - it's better than that. It challenges parents to re-examine both their methods - "What are we doing?" - but also their motivation - "Why are we parenting like this?" Moreover, "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids" points toward a revolution that needs to take place in Christian parenting: that parents would not view discipleship as an element of their parenting, but rather to regard parenting as an aspect of their discipleship. One view regards church and faith as a value-added entity: church is a fail-safe positive influence in competition with other priorities and activities, and the more exposure we can afford, within the constraints of everyday life, the better. This view over time outsources discipleship, placing church activity at the center of a child's spiritual development. The second view, that parenting is an aspect of discipleship, rights that imbalance. It brings every moment, every action, every situation into the realm of discipleship. There's no "God time" and then "the rest of life"; your child is being trained as a disciple of Christ 24/7. Your parenting, and all it entails - disciplining, monitoring, counseling, mentoring, affirming - is a purposeful part of that discipleship.
Tim Smith is delivering a message that's long overdue. We are privileged to have him visiting us at the end of the month. I hope you will make plans to join us Friday night, September 28, to hear him speak. Whether this is a book that will challenge you and take some time to assimilate, or one you will read and eagerly agree with, "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids" is worth a careful, thoughtful read. For those who want to dig deeper into the book, we're hosting a discussion group beginning September 20 and running Thursday nights from 6-7:30, during Coast Kids and the 4th-6th grade midweek program. (Your kids don't have to be involved in either of those programs for you to attend.) Led by Kathleen Sanders, this four-week series will unpack the vision of Smith's book, and best of all, after you've met together twice (the 20th and 27th), Smith himself will speak the very next night.
His appearance and all of the follow-up associated with the book spring from a conviction that is shared by our Children's and Marriage and Family Ministries that the home must be the center of spiritual development, and that whatever a church can do to make the home environment work is worthwhile. The book is available from our church bookstore or at this website.
But there are other books that you can sail through because the author puts into words things you already believe but have never seen articulated. For me, "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids" by Tim Smith is one of those books.
It would be easy based on the title of his book to read into his message that nice kids themselves are dangerous or something to be avoided, that teaching manners and proper behavior are somehow not worthwhile. But that's not his point at all. The danger of raising nice kids is what often gets sacrificed in the course of engineering a pleasant exterior - the character that lies beneath. When we constantly harp on speech, dress, posture, facial expression, unquestioning obedience, grades, and a host of other performance measures, we - often unwittingly - communicate to our kids that that's all we care about, that as long as they front well (for our sake or for theirs) that's what matters. And, parents - often unwittingly - end up believing that outward appearances are also the goal, and their parenting becomes skewed towards it.
The result, Smith says, is a generation of Christian kids who have it together on the outside but lack character on the inside. They're not selfless, kind, compassionate, loving, authentic - they're only nice. They lack the equipment needed to change their world - which is the subtitle of Smith's book - "Preparing our children to change their world". That really ought to be the main title, since Smith spends more time on solutions than he does diagnosing the problem, but a title like that is bland and it also doesn't direct people's attention to the root of the problem: parenting for outward appearances.
In an age where hypocrisy and inauthenticity drive people away from the church, we desperately need to populate the church with a generation that is the polar opposite of that. Our kids need to practice what they preach - compassion, justice, mercy - and not just mouth those things while living lives that are virtually indistinguishable from those of their non-Christian peers. And Smith would argue that our kids are unable to walk the walk not because of willful disobedience or apathy, but because we haven't given them the skills to be people of character.
By and large, I think the church has gotten character education wrong. We methodically impart the difference between right and wrong; we exhort kids to make right choices (and indeed, "sin management" is the dominant theme if not the driving philosophy in most youth groups); but we abandon them on the playing field. We're the passionate coach who's high on motivation but neglects to teach the game. It's not just knowledge and attitude that drives character development, it's also skills. Without the skills to act according to morals and convictions, a child's knowledge and desire to do right stalls out. And skills, of course, are developed by practice. So, the book is full of chapters like"Showing Empathy", "Demonstrating Compassion", "Developing Discernment", "Courageously Setting Boundaries", as well as practical advice on how to listen, how to admit mistakes and be authetic yourself, how to develop vision and goals for your parenting, and how to impart consequences for misbehavior.
Smith's book is not a how-to manual - it's better than that. It challenges parents to re-examine both their methods - "What are we doing?" - but also their motivation - "Why are we parenting like this?" Moreover, "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids" points toward a revolution that needs to take place in Christian parenting: that parents would not view discipleship as an element of their parenting, but rather to regard parenting as an aspect of their discipleship. One view regards church and faith as a value-added entity: church is a fail-safe positive influence in competition with other priorities and activities, and the more exposure we can afford, within the constraints of everyday life, the better. This view over time outsources discipleship, placing church activity at the center of a child's spiritual development. The second view, that parenting is an aspect of discipleship, rights that imbalance. It brings every moment, every action, every situation into the realm of discipleship. There's no "God time" and then "the rest of life"; your child is being trained as a disciple of Christ 24/7. Your parenting, and all it entails - disciplining, monitoring, counseling, mentoring, affirming - is a purposeful part of that discipleship.
Tim Smith is delivering a message that's long overdue. We are privileged to have him visiting us at the end of the month. I hope you will make plans to join us Friday night, September 28, to hear him speak. Whether this is a book that will challenge you and take some time to assimilate, or one you will read and eagerly agree with, "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids" is worth a careful, thoughtful read. For those who want to dig deeper into the book, we're hosting a discussion group beginning September 20 and running Thursday nights from 6-7:30, during Coast Kids and the 4th-6th grade midweek program. (Your kids don't have to be involved in either of those programs for you to attend.) Led by Kathleen Sanders, this four-week series will unpack the vision of Smith's book, and best of all, after you've met together twice (the 20th and 27th), Smith himself will speak the very next night.
His appearance and all of the follow-up associated with the book spring from a conviction that is shared by our Children's and Marriage and Family Ministries that the home must be the center of spiritual development, and that whatever a church can do to make the home environment work is worthwhile. The book is available from our church bookstore or at this website.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Another Giant Leap: From Church Buddies to Christian Friends
At the close of the 1986 movie "Stand by Me", Richard Dreyfuss, portraying the novelist and narrator, writes, "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve....does anyone?" As I watched that movie again this weekend I was struck by that line, a poignant testament to the great significance shared friendship experiences can have on who we become.
I've been thinking about friends recently in the context of church and how most of us adults come and go every week, recognizing many faces but actually knowing and being known by few. If authenticity and community are goals in the church body, we might ask how we're doing at helping kids make the giant leap from church buddies to Christian friends?
About a month ago I reported in this space on a survey we'd done in our class among our 5th and 6th graders. We asked "How many kids at this church would you say you know, as in, you recognize them and know their name and would talk to them at church?" Four said no one, six reported one person, and the numbers were pretty evenly distributed from there:
10 - I know two kids
11 - I know three kids
12 - Know four kids
14 - Know five kids
5 - Know six kids
6 - Know seven kids
32 - Know more than seven kids
That last number is surprising - but encouraging. It means kids are beginning to recognize one another and affiliate with each other - a huge step in a ministry with more than 60 schools represented.
Then we asked, "How many kids at this church would you say you are close friends with - not only would you hang out with them at church, but you would call them and invite them over to your house or to do something?"
This time, 21 said no one, 19 responded "one", 20 answered "two", and 17 reported having three people they considered friends. The rest of the choices garnered a handful of responses:
6 - Four kids at church I would consider my friend
8 - Five kids
1 - Six kids
2 - Seven kids
5 - More than seven kids
Childhood friendships are a curious thing. Different in character and intensity than adult friendships, they nonetheless can be surprisingly enduring. Kids naturally seek friendship - we all do - and adults who withdraw and isolate usually do so after attempts at friendship have resulted in hurt or rejection. Because of this, friends are naturally in on a lot of "firsts" - first sleepover, first new bike, first days of school, first crush, first heartbreak, first grounding. They also expand our world. Through them we get a window into how another family operates (and which of us didn't at one time wish so-and-so's parent was our parent?). We meet their friends, we try their hobbies, we travel with them. When I was in second grade I got to visit the state capitol where my friend's grandpa was a legislator, an experience I never would have otherwise had.
But, kid friendships are also fragile. As any parent knows, "best" friendships can turn over frequently, sometimes due to reasons that are mysterious or trivial. For boys especially, friends are people you do things with, and so friendships revolve around common activity. Kids who play on the same soccer team or like the same video game or go to the same camp can become close friends - as long as the environment is maintained. Take away the activity - the season ends, tastes change - and kids move on.
I would suggest that two important elements in forming and maintaining friendships at this age are regularity of contact and the significance of shared experience. That is to say, kids attach easily to those they regularly encounter - and, by contrast, drift away from those whose paths don't often cross theirs. Kids won't always make the extra effort - even if it's small - to stay in touch or maintain old friendships. That's why a pair of kids who are nearly inseparable in 4th grade may stop considering themselves friends in 5th grade when they find themselves in different classrooms. To an adult, this wouldn't be a friendship-ending event; the solution is obvious: keep the relationship going on the weekends or after school. But a kid will accept this separation as somewhat natural - "she's in a different class this year" - and resolve herself to nurture the relationships she does have going forward. There isn't any ill feeling involved - the kids haven't become enemies - they just aren't friends like they used to be because the common experience is lost.
As for the significance of the experience, what they've done with someone becomes central to that other person's identity. Listen to how kids describe others they know and would consider friends: "We ride bike together", "We went mini-golfing", "His dad took us out on his boat", "We went to Six Flags with each other". You might ask, is this really friendship? If there are no emotional ties deeper than a positive memory about a singular experience, what kind of friendship is that? And the answer is, it's not friendship in the adult sense, which can be nurtured by a half-hour conversation over coffee. Adults are content to be together, while kids want to do together. Take note the next time families get together for dinner: the table time, with meal, desert, coffee, and conversation is cherished by the adults; the kids can't wait to go play.
As this relates to church life, I think we should do everything we can to help kids develop lasting Christian friendships, with the understanding that at this age, friendships revolve around shared experiences. The things you and I might associate with close friendship - honesty, sharing, transparency, accountability, empathy - may not develop in earnest until kids have reached junior or senior high. Because "being friends" is built around shared experience, we've built a lot of events into the calendar this year - about one a month, in addition to weekend and midweek programs.
But what happens at church is only the launching pad. We don't have the time nor can we offer the variety of experiences to cement those relationships. Without the cement of regular contact and significant shared experiences, kids remain only church buddies. They need to be in each other's homes, at each other's birthday parties, meeting each other's parents, having special days on the other's turf, for real friendship to take root.
I'll never forget the how disappointed I was around age 12 when I realized that one of my best friends and I liked different sports. Heading into junior high, I knew that meant our friendship was endangered. And I was right. Different sports meant different crowds. But, I also remember the satisfaction at reconnecting with this friend years later when we were both mature enough to sustain a friendship at a level above "doing the same things together". That's the kind of friendship you grow into. We'd do well to surround kids with lots of Church buddies now so that friendships can blossom when they're ready for that.
I've been thinking about friends recently in the context of church and how most of us adults come and go every week, recognizing many faces but actually knowing and being known by few. If authenticity and community are goals in the church body, we might ask how we're doing at helping kids make the giant leap from church buddies to Christian friends?
About a month ago I reported in this space on a survey we'd done in our class among our 5th and 6th graders. We asked "How many kids at this church would you say you know, as in, you recognize them and know their name and would talk to them at church?" Four said no one, six reported one person, and the numbers were pretty evenly distributed from there:
10 - I know two kids
11 - I know three kids
12 - Know four kids
14 - Know five kids
5 - Know six kids
6 - Know seven kids
32 - Know more than seven kids
That last number is surprising - but encouraging. It means kids are beginning to recognize one another and affiliate with each other - a huge step in a ministry with more than 60 schools represented.
Then we asked, "How many kids at this church would you say you are close friends with - not only would you hang out with them at church, but you would call them and invite them over to your house or to do something?"
This time, 21 said no one, 19 responded "one", 20 answered "two", and 17 reported having three people they considered friends. The rest of the choices garnered a handful of responses:
6 - Four kids at church I would consider my friend
8 - Five kids
1 - Six kids
2 - Seven kids
5 - More than seven kids
Childhood friendships are a curious thing. Different in character and intensity than adult friendships, they nonetheless can be surprisingly enduring. Kids naturally seek friendship - we all do - and adults who withdraw and isolate usually do so after attempts at friendship have resulted in hurt or rejection. Because of this, friends are naturally in on a lot of "firsts" - first sleepover, first new bike, first days of school, first crush, first heartbreak, first grounding. They also expand our world. Through them we get a window into how another family operates (and which of us didn't at one time wish so-and-so's parent was our parent?). We meet their friends, we try their hobbies, we travel with them. When I was in second grade I got to visit the state capitol where my friend's grandpa was a legislator, an experience I never would have otherwise had.
But, kid friendships are also fragile. As any parent knows, "best" friendships can turn over frequently, sometimes due to reasons that are mysterious or trivial. For boys especially, friends are people you do things with, and so friendships revolve around common activity. Kids who play on the same soccer team or like the same video game or go to the same camp can become close friends - as long as the environment is maintained. Take away the activity - the season ends, tastes change - and kids move on.
I would suggest that two important elements in forming and maintaining friendships at this age are regularity of contact and the significance of shared experience. That is to say, kids attach easily to those they regularly encounter - and, by contrast, drift away from those whose paths don't often cross theirs. Kids won't always make the extra effort - even if it's small - to stay in touch or maintain old friendships. That's why a pair of kids who are nearly inseparable in 4th grade may stop considering themselves friends in 5th grade when they find themselves in different classrooms. To an adult, this wouldn't be a friendship-ending event; the solution is obvious: keep the relationship going on the weekends or after school. But a kid will accept this separation as somewhat natural - "she's in a different class this year" - and resolve herself to nurture the relationships she does have going forward. There isn't any ill feeling involved - the kids haven't become enemies - they just aren't friends like they used to be because the common experience is lost.
As for the significance of the experience, what they've done with someone becomes central to that other person's identity. Listen to how kids describe others they know and would consider friends: "We ride bike together", "We went mini-golfing", "His dad took us out on his boat", "We went to Six Flags with each other". You might ask, is this really friendship? If there are no emotional ties deeper than a positive memory about a singular experience, what kind of friendship is that? And the answer is, it's not friendship in the adult sense, which can be nurtured by a half-hour conversation over coffee. Adults are content to be together, while kids want to do together. Take note the next time families get together for dinner: the table time, with meal, desert, coffee, and conversation is cherished by the adults; the kids can't wait to go play.
As this relates to church life, I think we should do everything we can to help kids develop lasting Christian friendships, with the understanding that at this age, friendships revolve around shared experiences. The things you and I might associate with close friendship - honesty, sharing, transparency, accountability, empathy - may not develop in earnest until kids have reached junior or senior high. Because "being friends" is built around shared experience, we've built a lot of events into the calendar this year - about one a month, in addition to weekend and midweek programs.
But what happens at church is only the launching pad. We don't have the time nor can we offer the variety of experiences to cement those relationships. Without the cement of regular contact and significant shared experiences, kids remain only church buddies. They need to be in each other's homes, at each other's birthday parties, meeting each other's parents, having special days on the other's turf, for real friendship to take root.
I'll never forget the how disappointed I was around age 12 when I realized that one of my best friends and I liked different sports. Heading into junior high, I knew that meant our friendship was endangered. And I was right. Different sports meant different crowds. But, I also remember the satisfaction at reconnecting with this friend years later when we were both mature enough to sustain a friendship at a level above "doing the same things together". That's the kind of friendship you grow into. We'd do well to surround kids with lots of Church buddies now so that friendships can blossom when they're ready for that.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
One Giant Leap: From Knowing to Believing
A church isn't exactly the most difficult place to teach. Most of the people there - adults and kids - are basically like-minded. There are no tests, and so none of the outsmarting-the-teacher games that go on in schools. People are good-natured and will laugh at your jokes. Nonetheless, a church may be the most difficult place to teach effectively. That's because in church we're not teaching merely for people to know, we're teaching for them to believe.
As a classroom teacher (which I was for two years out of college), you learn many tricks for "getting students to learn", if you can call it that. The reality is, you're getting them to perform - to recall or recite or regurgitate something they've heard or read back to you on a test. This is the standard drill: you speak, they hear, you ask, they give it back, they forget, everyone moves on. And classroom teachers possess the power of the grading pen to compel the kind of output they want.
As a young teacher I fell into this power trap. Thinking I would "help" my students learn a list of economics terms, I told them I'd give them as many tries as they needed, but they had to get all of the answers right. It seemed like a sound strategy; but as some students reached their fifth and sixth attempts, it dawned on me that they couldn't possibly be understanding the meaning of the words (there were only about 20) and yet failing repeatedly to identify their definitions. I also soon realized that it was possible for clever students to look for one or two distinctive words in the definitions and simply match those to the right words. Technically, these students weren't "learning" the words either, so much as they were outsmarting the test.
I retell that story here because experiences like that have shaped my thinking about good teaching and learning and have driven me away from a definition of learning that equates it with merely the acquisition of facts. Anyone who's honest would admit that learning (used here as synonymous with "understanding" or "comprehending" or "catching on" or "getting it") is more than exhibiting a particular outward behavior; specifically, we can't conclude that someone has learned something just because they say the correct answer. The question is whether they know what that correct answer means.
On top of all of that is the fact that we are not just teaching for people to know, but for them to believe. That is to say, it's not enough that a kid comes through our program knowing the facts of Jesus' life and death - that's only the start. We would hope - in fact, we'd be derelict to settle for anything less - that he feels some sort of allegiance and obligation because of what he knows: in a word, that he would believe.
As a result, the work of good Christian Education goes beyond getting kids to give right answers. The best teachers know how to probe for understanding and how to ask follow-up questions to create a personalization and contextualization for the person answering. The question isn't "what does the Bible say" - anyone who can read can tell you that, whether they belive it or not. The question is, what does the Bible mean and what are you going to do about it? These are the questions we should be challenging kids with as we help them make the giant leap from knowing to believing. And "help" is the right word. It's not dishonoring a kid's accomplishment to ask her to explain the Bible verse she just recited, or to ask a boy what he means when he says Jesus is his savior. Rewarding pat answers because they sound just right actually does kids a disservice, sending the message that depth and understanding aren't really important in faith, but appearances are.
I witnessed a master at this - my old supervisor in children's ministry in Virginia - when I visited her camp in West Virginia this summer. On the camp's closing day, a boy proudly reported to her that he'd prayed to receive Christ. Did she high-five him? Hug him? Shower him with praise? Hardly! Instead, she subjected him to 10 minutes of grilling about the meaning of his decision. A critic may have upbraided her for raining on the kid's parade. But what she was doing was helping him analyze and ultimately solidify his commitment. He's better off for it.
Where does feeling factor in to all of this? Could we just make kids want Jesus by playing on their emotions - fear of death, guilt over sin, sorrow about the passion story? Frankly, yes, and history shows us that emotion-driven decisions make for shallow conversions. I'm not a fan of exploiting emotions (on either end of the spectrum: exhiliration about eternal life or fear of hell) to bring young people to a point of spiritual decision. To me, it's self-defeating: we coax them into "making a decision" at an emotionally charged moment of their life, then turn around and in our discipleship (assuming they receive any) teach them how to make life decisions by prayer, contemplation, counsel of other believers - anything but emotion!
And yet, emotion has its place in church. Without it, our educational programs especially become dry and dull. The enthusiasm of a teacher opens the door for understanding; without it, the message hardly stands a chance (yes, 18th Century preacher Jonathan Edwards, who read his manuscripts word-for-word with no inflection, would be the exception). In our room, the decor, the music, the equipment, the activity level - all are intended to send a positive message: you're welcome here! We have fun! We enjoy Jesus!
So it's entirely appropriate to communicate emotion as well as knowledge. Belief, in my opinion, springs from some unknown combination of the two: we know, and we also feel compelled to commit ourselves to what is true. I know my pickup is blue; I believe Jesus is the savior of the world. Emotion unaccompanied by knowledge winds up producing allegiance to the community, rather than to any set of particular beliefs. This, I believe, is another reason so many active youth group members walk away from church once they reach college: they were in love with the particular fellowship of their home church, but not necessarily committed to the belief system.
We're always looking at better ways to teach. Often we fail. Knowledge gets communicated, but it doesn't stick - there's no belief there. But on the occasions when belief is the product of our efforts, it's powerful. And it reminds us why teaching in the "difficult" environment of a church is infinitely worth it.
As a classroom teacher (which I was for two years out of college), you learn many tricks for "getting students to learn", if you can call it that. The reality is, you're getting them to perform - to recall or recite or regurgitate something they've heard or read back to you on a test. This is the standard drill: you speak, they hear, you ask, they give it back, they forget, everyone moves on. And classroom teachers possess the power of the grading pen to compel the kind of output they want.
As a young teacher I fell into this power trap. Thinking I would "help" my students learn a list of economics terms, I told them I'd give them as many tries as they needed, but they had to get all of the answers right. It seemed like a sound strategy; but as some students reached their fifth and sixth attempts, it dawned on me that they couldn't possibly be understanding the meaning of the words (there were only about 20) and yet failing repeatedly to identify their definitions. I also soon realized that it was possible for clever students to look for one or two distinctive words in the definitions and simply match those to the right words. Technically, these students weren't "learning" the words either, so much as they were outsmarting the test.
I retell that story here because experiences like that have shaped my thinking about good teaching and learning and have driven me away from a definition of learning that equates it with merely the acquisition of facts. Anyone who's honest would admit that learning (used here as synonymous with "understanding" or "comprehending" or "catching on" or "getting it") is more than exhibiting a particular outward behavior; specifically, we can't conclude that someone has learned something just because they say the correct answer. The question is whether they know what that correct answer means.
On top of all of that is the fact that we are not just teaching for people to know, but for them to believe. That is to say, it's not enough that a kid comes through our program knowing the facts of Jesus' life and death - that's only the start. We would hope - in fact, we'd be derelict to settle for anything less - that he feels some sort of allegiance and obligation because of what he knows: in a word, that he would believe.
As a result, the work of good Christian Education goes beyond getting kids to give right answers. The best teachers know how to probe for understanding and how to ask follow-up questions to create a personalization and contextualization for the person answering. The question isn't "what does the Bible say" - anyone who can read can tell you that, whether they belive it or not. The question is, what does the Bible mean and what are you going to do about it? These are the questions we should be challenging kids with as we help them make the giant leap from knowing to believing. And "help" is the right word. It's not dishonoring a kid's accomplishment to ask her to explain the Bible verse she just recited, or to ask a boy what he means when he says Jesus is his savior. Rewarding pat answers because they sound just right actually does kids a disservice, sending the message that depth and understanding aren't really important in faith, but appearances are.
I witnessed a master at this - my old supervisor in children's ministry in Virginia - when I visited her camp in West Virginia this summer. On the camp's closing day, a boy proudly reported to her that he'd prayed to receive Christ. Did she high-five him? Hug him? Shower him with praise? Hardly! Instead, she subjected him to 10 minutes of grilling about the meaning of his decision. A critic may have upbraided her for raining on the kid's parade. But what she was doing was helping him analyze and ultimately solidify his commitment. He's better off for it.
Where does feeling factor in to all of this? Could we just make kids want Jesus by playing on their emotions - fear of death, guilt over sin, sorrow about the passion story? Frankly, yes, and history shows us that emotion-driven decisions make for shallow conversions. I'm not a fan of exploiting emotions (on either end of the spectrum: exhiliration about eternal life or fear of hell) to bring young people to a point of spiritual decision. To me, it's self-defeating: we coax them into "making a decision" at an emotionally charged moment of their life, then turn around and in our discipleship (assuming they receive any) teach them how to make life decisions by prayer, contemplation, counsel of other believers - anything but emotion!
And yet, emotion has its place in church. Without it, our educational programs especially become dry and dull. The enthusiasm of a teacher opens the door for understanding; without it, the message hardly stands a chance (yes, 18th Century preacher Jonathan Edwards, who read his manuscripts word-for-word with no inflection, would be the exception). In our room, the decor, the music, the equipment, the activity level - all are intended to send a positive message: you're welcome here! We have fun! We enjoy Jesus!
So it's entirely appropriate to communicate emotion as well as knowledge. Belief, in my opinion, springs from some unknown combination of the two: we know, and we also feel compelled to commit ourselves to what is true. I know my pickup is blue; I believe Jesus is the savior of the world. Emotion unaccompanied by knowledge winds up producing allegiance to the community, rather than to any set of particular beliefs. This, I believe, is another reason so many active youth group members walk away from church once they reach college: they were in love with the particular fellowship of their home church, but not necessarily committed to the belief system.
We're always looking at better ways to teach. Often we fail. Knowledge gets communicated, but it doesn't stick - there's no belief there. But on the occasions when belief is the product of our efforts, it's powerful. And it reminds us why teaching in the "difficult" environment of a church is infinitely worth it.
Friday, August 17, 2007
I'd Choose You Any Day
If I could have one wish in ministry, it wouldn't be for more equipment, or double the number of leaders (although we could use that), or for a flashier room or unlimited event budget. I would wish that every parent would take their child's spiritual potential seriously.
To put it another way: given the choice between you and me, I'd choose you any day. That's because you, the parent, creates and sustains this special environment known as "home". Home holds a unique and powerful position in the life of a child. It is the foundation of their universe. School assumes an important role the older they get - the center of academic, social, and athletic life - but even into adolescence, when the time spent at home and with family diminishes, home remains a sanctuary. The rules of the home delineate acceptable and unacceptable, the routines define normal and abnormal. Home is, ideally, a place of absolute safety, unconditional love, a constructive and helpful environment.
But I'm not Pollyanna-ish enough to believe that every home is a utopia. You are stressed, overscheduled, under financial strain, underappreciated, at wit's end dealing with misbehaviors - in a word, human. The fact that many parents are breathing a sigh of relief as school restarts is less an indication of parental inadequacy than it is a reflection of the fact that parents never get a break. You just have to press on, through holidays and birthdays and school programs and teacher conferences and sports and lessons and next year's summer vacation, and before you know it, your kid is in middle school and knocking on the door of 13. I truly believe that most parents do the best they can. There just isn't time for a massive re-evaluation and re-tooling of your parenting practices once you become one. You just sort of...do it. I also believe that, lacking deliberate effort to the contrary, most of us will end up parenting the same way we were parented. Sometimes this is conscious - "My mom and dad did x, and I turned out ok" - and sometimes it's not, such as when we unwittingly fall back on shaming and guilting as methods of disciplining, despite our distaste for shame as children.
So as good as I want our upper elementary ministry to be - and we continue to strive to improve it - I want even more for you to be a success as a parent. As I said, I think it's rare that someone carries through with an overhaul of their parenting. TV shows like SuperNanny and Wife Swap prove that old habits die hard: even when change is obviously needed, the advice is only grudgingly accepted, and you get the sense by the end of the episode that nothing really is going to change. But people can change - I've seen it. Parents pick up bits of wisdom that, judiciously exercised, make a huge difference in their outlook. Moms and dads learn to communicate differently, and in the process, painful verbal sparring with children decreases.
The most effective change I've seen comes when parents meet other parents who are navigating the same issues. There is an unspoken brotherhood between parents of incorrigible teens, or of children with special needs, or of angry, violent kids (usually boys). Books are great; understanding in the flesh is ten times as great. Sometimes this parent can lend advice that unlocks a solution for that parent. Sometimes they can recommend a resource. Sometimes they can only commiserate - and that's enough.
There is untapped potential in bringing parents together. We're about to find out how much. This Fall we plan to offer programs for parents that run alongside our new Thursday night midweek program. So while we minister to 4th-6th grade kids (an important program), just down the hall we'll also be building into 4th-6th grade parents (the really important program). (I'm toying with calling it "ParentCare" - what do you think?)
This all kicks off September 13. I'll be speaking that night on "The Nine Things Your Kid Needs to Thrive Spiritually." But more importantly, it'll be a chance to put faces with names, meet parents who have kids in your child's grade and at your child's school, and put heads together about how we can help each other build strong homes & families. On September 28, in conjunction of with Marriage and Family Ministry, we are bringing in a speaker named Tim Smith. A discussion group on his book "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids: Preparing Our Children to Change Their World" will run Thursdays beginning September 20. Beyond that, the popular "Raising a Modern Day Knight" series for dads will be offered again this October. Into 2008, we hope to offer similar workshops for moms of boys and dads of girls, too.
We have big dreams. But they're all driven by the reality that success in church programming rises and falls on the spiritual foundation laid in the home. Better than a thousand dodgeball games or 20 summer camps or 500 raucous duct tape nights, you are the key to your child's spiritual health. You set the context of their whole life. Yep - I'd choose you any day.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Why I Believe in the Church
I think Christian kids should get involved in Boy Scouts. And local theater troupes. And dance and Little League and Junior Lifeguards and orchestra and every other club under the sun. But above all this, I think Christians should be involved in church.
And that's for one simple reason: the church works.
I've just returned from a camp put on for 3rd-5th graders last week in West Virginia. Now in its seventh summer, the sponsoring church plans and programs and staffs the entire week on its own. Most of the leadership staff are parents, but most of the counselors are high school students, which means after seven years that the camp is starting to re-cycle some of its original campers as counselors.
And this is creating a culture of "give-back" ministry in that church that is really something to admire. Here's a common sentiment expressed to me by a 5th grade boy who just finished his fourth and final year at camp: "Next year I'm going to junior high camp, and then I'll go to senior high camp, and then I'm going to be a counselor at Camp Quest." One counselor, also a former camper, shared his mock frustration midway through the week: "I want to get upset with them, but then I look at all four of my kids and think, 'Each one of them is exactly like me!'"
The value of this is that it creates a localized mission field where young kids are eager to be cared for and older kids look forward to providing it. Not only does the camp fill every year, but perhaps more encouraging, there's a waiting list and interview process for counselors; not everyone who volunteers is chosen. The younger kids return from the week in awe and their teenage mentors spend the next year larger-than-life and proud to be recognized back home by their former charges.
I'm a big believer in the church and in ministry. I think we should use the church to leverage whatever spiritual advantages we can, especially for kids. As I wrote last week, Christian kids don't exist in a vacuum. They either have a group of Christian friends with which to affiliate themselves, or they will gradually shed their identification with the church. But for kids, it's not enough to just "be" together; they want to "do" together. When the church is doing what it should, it is bringing people together to meet each other's needs - in other words, facilitating ministry. It's not just maintaining a physical space where people gather to sing and hear a nice speaker. Coming together isn't sufficient; the church needs to create reasons and opportunities to meet. When that happens, people are mutually edified, they're cared for, they're strengthened in their faith, they're reaffirmed as part of the family…and, there's a reason to grow. As long as I remain a child - always receiving, never charged with giving - there's no urgency to my spiritual development, because pretty much all I'm expected to do is show up. Give me a problem to solve or a team to lead or person to guide, though, and I'm obliged to get my act together. That, I think, is the essence of what Ephesians 4 means, especially v. 16: "From [Christ] the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work."
"Being part of the church" today means something different than it did in the New Testament. Then, it was primarily an identification - you belonged to the church because you were among those who believed Christ was the Messiah. Today "joining a church" is more like selecting and joining a health club or buying a new car: we find the one with all the features that we want and that feels right, and when our choice gets old we move on to another. This consumerist approach obscures the reality, which is that every believer "belongs" to the Church regardless of where, or how often, they may physically frequent one.
So let's live like it! Stewardship experts often speculate what the Church could do if everyone who attended, tithed. But how much richer would our lives be if we were all meaningfully engaged in ministry?
And that's for one simple reason: the church works.
I've just returned from a camp put on for 3rd-5th graders last week in West Virginia. Now in its seventh summer, the sponsoring church plans and programs and staffs the entire week on its own. Most of the leadership staff are parents, but most of the counselors are high school students, which means after seven years that the camp is starting to re-cycle some of its original campers as counselors.
And this is creating a culture of "give-back" ministry in that church that is really something to admire. Here's a common sentiment expressed to me by a 5th grade boy who just finished his fourth and final year at camp: "Next year I'm going to junior high camp, and then I'll go to senior high camp, and then I'm going to be a counselor at Camp Quest." One counselor, also a former camper, shared his mock frustration midway through the week: "I want to get upset with them, but then I look at all four of my kids and think, 'Each one of them is exactly like me!'"
The value of this is that it creates a localized mission field where young kids are eager to be cared for and older kids look forward to providing it. Not only does the camp fill every year, but perhaps more encouraging, there's a waiting list and interview process for counselors; not everyone who volunteers is chosen. The younger kids return from the week in awe and their teenage mentors spend the next year larger-than-life and proud to be recognized back home by their former charges.
I'm a big believer in the church and in ministry. I think we should use the church to leverage whatever spiritual advantages we can, especially for kids. As I wrote last week, Christian kids don't exist in a vacuum. They either have a group of Christian friends with which to affiliate themselves, or they will gradually shed their identification with the church. But for kids, it's not enough to just "be" together; they want to "do" together. When the church is doing what it should, it is bringing people together to meet each other's needs - in other words, facilitating ministry. It's not just maintaining a physical space where people gather to sing and hear a nice speaker. Coming together isn't sufficient; the church needs to create reasons and opportunities to meet. When that happens, people are mutually edified, they're cared for, they're strengthened in their faith, they're reaffirmed as part of the family…and, there's a reason to grow. As long as I remain a child - always receiving, never charged with giving - there's no urgency to my spiritual development, because pretty much all I'm expected to do is show up. Give me a problem to solve or a team to lead or person to guide, though, and I'm obliged to get my act together. That, I think, is the essence of what Ephesians 4 means, especially v. 16: "From [Christ] the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work."
"Being part of the church" today means something different than it did in the New Testament. Then, it was primarily an identification - you belonged to the church because you were among those who believed Christ was the Messiah. Today "joining a church" is more like selecting and joining a health club or buying a new car: we find the one with all the features that we want and that feels right, and when our choice gets old we move on to another. This consumerist approach obscures the reality, which is that every believer "belongs" to the Church regardless of where, or how often, they may physically frequent one.
So let's live like it! Stewardship experts often speculate what the Church could do if everyone who attended, tithed. But how much richer would our lives be if we were all meaningfully engaged in ministry?
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
The Power of the Crowd
Something interesting happened a couple of weeks ago while I was in the company of two boys. We were waiting in a line when one whispered an inappropriate joke containing a four-letter word. He knew better, of course, than to let himself be heard by me, the authority figure, but what he didn't know was that his whisper wasn't quiet enough and I overheard the whole thing.
But before I could - or had to - react, his friend beat me to the punch. He simply turned to the boy and said, "No bad words."
And with those three words, he did more than I could have accomplished with any glare, any facial expression, any scolding or shame or lecture, even any well-meaning explanation of "why we don't use words like that." The offender accepted the correction, changed the subject, and went on with his dignity intact.
What is it about the power of a peer? Why can same-age influence often carry more weight than anything any adult has to say? It ought to be the other way around, right? We have the weight of experience. We know - sometimes from our own experience - why it's a bad idea to, say, light things on fire or ride your skateboard over railroad tracks or jump off the roof or eat too much candy or spend all your money or stay up all night. As adults, we are eager to pass on these lessons to the unwashed generation. Indeed, the hallmark of maturity is the realization that you are in a position, that you've lived enough life, to place you above the momentary passions and instincts that drive youth.
But somehow, kids would rather listen to each other. Peer approval and disapproval carries a lot of weight for a pre-teen. Kids 9-12 are constantly evaluating where they stand - Am I cool? Is it still ok to play with certain toys? Will they laugh at me if I answer wrong? - and this is a forerunner of the more intense identity crises they will enter as adolescents.
Much time is spent in middle teaching kids to battle the influence of peer pressure. But there's another side to the coin. Michael Gerson wrote about this in last week's Washington Post. Noting that self-identified evangelical teenagers tend to start having sex earlier than kids from mainline denominations, he goes on to point out that those teens who regularly attend church and are connected to the life of their religious communities do delay sexual activity (although not much: the average age for those kids is about 17).
Gerson isn't the first to observe that the lives of Christian teenagers really don't differ too much from those of non-belivers. Researcher George Barna has been documenting that reality for years. By almost any measure - age of first sexual experience, use of drugs and alcohol, moral reasoning - Christian teens are very much in line with their non-Christian friends.
What helps is the support of others who believe like you do. That seems like a pretty simple concept. But, it's more difficult for teenagers than it might seem, in part because they don't enjoy the same freedom of mobility - and therefore, freedom of association - that adults do. Most teens (and pre-teens, and kids) attend public schools, which brings them into contact with a range of personalities and belief systems. As adults, we often underestimate the amount of diversity in the world - or even in our own communities - because most of us deliberately choose to associate with folks who are pretty much just like us.
Which makes it all the more important that kids and teenagers have a set of friends who share their values. Notice I said "a set." I'm not one who happens to believe that Christian teens need to wall themselves off from the rest of the world. I think that leads to a dangerous shortsightedness and an in-group mentality. Kids should have friends from all sorts of backgrounds, and we should be training them in how to be influencers within their social groups (which, incidentally, is part of the theme of the book "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids," whose author is coming to speak at NCCC in late September. We're also offering a discussion group on that book this fall.)
But, teens - and everyone - also need a refuge from worldly influences. Indeed, the support of friends may be the key factor whenever a Christian teen doesn't abandon his beliefs or values. Or, as Gerson writes, "The facts also support a basic conservative belief: that it is difficult for teens to be moral alone...responsible behavior requires both "norms" and "networks." An intellectual belief in right and wrong is not sufficient. Teens require a community that supports their good choices, especially in times of testing and personal crisis."
One of the goals of the 4th-6th grade ministry is to help kids form solid Christian friendships before they enter 7th grade. Our new midweek program will shift to a heavy small group focus this fall, with that very goal in mind. It's our hope that we can draw these kids - from more than 60 elementary and middle schools - together, to bridge the "islands" that are so common in our ministry, and to help develop some relationships that will aid these kids once they reach adolescence.
Parents can't pick their kids' friends. But they can do a lot to influence who they are exposed to (namely, the power of providing a ride and the power of keeping the calendar). Parents can and should ensure that in their child's spiritual toolbox is a group of supportive Christian friends. Christians were never intended to live in isolation. We cheat our kids when we give them Biblical knowledge and teach them what God requires of them, but then don't surround them with the community that will help them sustain those convictions and choices.
But before I could - or had to - react, his friend beat me to the punch. He simply turned to the boy and said, "No bad words."
And with those three words, he did more than I could have accomplished with any glare, any facial expression, any scolding or shame or lecture, even any well-meaning explanation of "why we don't use words like that." The offender accepted the correction, changed the subject, and went on with his dignity intact.
What is it about the power of a peer? Why can same-age influence often carry more weight than anything any adult has to say? It ought to be the other way around, right? We have the weight of experience. We know - sometimes from our own experience - why it's a bad idea to, say, light things on fire or ride your skateboard over railroad tracks or jump off the roof or eat too much candy or spend all your money or stay up all night. As adults, we are eager to pass on these lessons to the unwashed generation. Indeed, the hallmark of maturity is the realization that you are in a position, that you've lived enough life, to place you above the momentary passions and instincts that drive youth.
But somehow, kids would rather listen to each other. Peer approval and disapproval carries a lot of weight for a pre-teen. Kids 9-12 are constantly evaluating where they stand - Am I cool? Is it still ok to play with certain toys? Will they laugh at me if I answer wrong? - and this is a forerunner of the more intense identity crises they will enter as adolescents.
Much time is spent in middle teaching kids to battle the influence of peer pressure. But there's another side to the coin. Michael Gerson wrote about this in last week's Washington Post. Noting that self-identified evangelical teenagers tend to start having sex earlier than kids from mainline denominations, he goes on to point out that those teens who regularly attend church and are connected to the life of their religious communities do delay sexual activity (although not much: the average age for those kids is about 17).
Gerson isn't the first to observe that the lives of Christian teenagers really don't differ too much from those of non-belivers. Researcher George Barna has been documenting that reality for years. By almost any measure - age of first sexual experience, use of drugs and alcohol, moral reasoning - Christian teens are very much in line with their non-Christian friends.
What helps is the support of others who believe like you do. That seems like a pretty simple concept. But, it's more difficult for teenagers than it might seem, in part because they don't enjoy the same freedom of mobility - and therefore, freedom of association - that adults do. Most teens (and pre-teens, and kids) attend public schools, which brings them into contact with a range of personalities and belief systems. As adults, we often underestimate the amount of diversity in the world - or even in our own communities - because most of us deliberately choose to associate with folks who are pretty much just like us.
Which makes it all the more important that kids and teenagers have a set of friends who share their values. Notice I said "a set." I'm not one who happens to believe that Christian teens need to wall themselves off from the rest of the world. I think that leads to a dangerous shortsightedness and an in-group mentality. Kids should have friends from all sorts of backgrounds, and we should be training them in how to be influencers within their social groups (which, incidentally, is part of the theme of the book "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids," whose author is coming to speak at NCCC in late September. We're also offering a discussion group on that book this fall.)
But, teens - and everyone - also need a refuge from worldly influences. Indeed, the support of friends may be the key factor whenever a Christian teen doesn't abandon his beliefs or values. Or, as Gerson writes, "The facts also support a basic conservative belief: that it is difficult for teens to be moral alone...responsible behavior requires both "norms" and "networks." An intellectual belief in right and wrong is not sufficient. Teens require a community that supports their good choices, especially in times of testing and personal crisis."
One of the goals of the 4th-6th grade ministry is to help kids form solid Christian friendships before they enter 7th grade. Our new midweek program will shift to a heavy small group focus this fall, with that very goal in mind. It's our hope that we can draw these kids - from more than 60 elementary and middle schools - together, to bridge the "islands" that are so common in our ministry, and to help develop some relationships that will aid these kids once they reach adolescence.
Parents can't pick their kids' friends. But they can do a lot to influence who they are exposed to (namely, the power of providing a ride and the power of keeping the calendar). Parents can and should ensure that in their child's spiritual toolbox is a group of supportive Christian friends. Christians were never intended to live in isolation. We cheat our kids when we give them Biblical knowledge and teach them what God requires of them, but then don't surround them with the community that will help them sustain those convictions and choices.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
The Survey Says...
This week I am happy to share with you the results of a "snapshot" survey we took in our class the third weekend in June. This is only a "snapshot" because the methods were by no means scientific. But they do give us a glance at the spiritual lives of 115 5th and 6th graders on one particular weekend.
We collected surveys from 49 boys and 66 girls.
Q: If your parents talked with you about God, would it be:
5 - Strange and unusual - my parents and I don't talk much about God
1 - Weird but not unusual - my parents talk about God but I don't like it
19 - Unusual but not weird - They don't talk with me about God, but I wouldn't mind
89 - Normal and not weird at all - my family often talks about God
Q: When I talk to my parents about a problem,
17 - They usually take care of it for me
88 - They usually talk to me about what I can do to solve the problem
4 - They usually don't listen or offer any advice
Q: How easy would it be for you to invite a friend to church?
43 - Pretty easy - I do it a lot
54 - Easy, but I don't invite anyone
6 - I wouldn't invite someone because I don't think they'd have a good time
7 - I'd be embarrased to invite someone to church
Q: If someone asked you what it means to be a Christian, how easily could you answer their question?
62 - No problem, and I could show them places in the Bible that proved what I was saying
30 - I could do it, but I couldn't use the Bible
17 - I really wouldn't know what to say
Q: How easy would it be to bring up God in a conversation with your friends?
5 - I would never do that
41 - I could try, but my friends wouldn't be interested
60 - They would talk about it and it wouldn't be weird
Q: Do you know another adult besides your parents who you feel helps you as a Christian and who you can trust?
100 - Yes
7 - No
Q: When your parents say, "Time for church," do you usually think
54 - Yeah! Can't wait to go
49 - It's ok, I don't mind
6 - I'd rather stay home
Q: I think the 4th-6th grade room is
52 - Mostly a friendly place and I don't worry about not knowing anyone
52 - Mostly a friendly place, but I don't know too many people there
3 - Mostly an unfriendly place and I worry there won't be anyone to talk to
Q: When someone is getting picked on, are you usually
69 - Away from it
3 - Leading it
7 - Not leading it, but joining in on it
20 - The one getting picked on
Q: How many kids at this church would you say you know, as in, you recognize them and know their name and would talk to them at church?
4 - I know no one
6 - I know one kid
10 - Know two kids
11 - Know three kids
12 - Know four kids
14 - Know five kids
5 - Know xix kids
6 - Know seven kids
32 - Know more than seven kids
Q: How many kids at this church would you say you are close friends with - not only would you hang out with them at church, but you would call them and invite them over to your house or to do something?
21 - No one
19 - One kid I would consider my friend
20 - Two kids I would consider my friends
17 - Three kids
6 - Four kids
8 - Five kids
1 - Six kids
2 - Seven kids
5 - More than seven kids
Q: When do you normally pray? (Kids could indicate more than one answer)
34 - In the morning
33 - At school
75 - Before I go to bed
70 - At family meals
77 - Whenever I need God's help
40 - With my parents
25 - Some other time (various answers)
We collected surveys from 49 boys and 66 girls.
Q: If your parents talked with you about God, would it be:
5 - Strange and unusual - my parents and I don't talk much about God
1 - Weird but not unusual - my parents talk about God but I don't like it
19 - Unusual but not weird - They don't talk with me about God, but I wouldn't mind
89 - Normal and not weird at all - my family often talks about God
Q: When I talk to my parents about a problem,
17 - They usually take care of it for me
88 - They usually talk to me about what I can do to solve the problem
4 - They usually don't listen or offer any advice
Q: How easy would it be for you to invite a friend to church?
43 - Pretty easy - I do it a lot
54 - Easy, but I don't invite anyone
6 - I wouldn't invite someone because I don't think they'd have a good time
7 - I'd be embarrased to invite someone to church
Q: If someone asked you what it means to be a Christian, how easily could you answer their question?
62 - No problem, and I could show them places in the Bible that proved what I was saying
30 - I could do it, but I couldn't use the Bible
17 - I really wouldn't know what to say
Q: How easy would it be to bring up God in a conversation with your friends?
5 - I would never do that
41 - I could try, but my friends wouldn't be interested
60 - They would talk about it and it wouldn't be weird
Q: Do you know another adult besides your parents who you feel helps you as a Christian and who you can trust?
100 - Yes
7 - No
Q: When your parents say, "Time for church," do you usually think
54 - Yeah! Can't wait to go
49 - It's ok, I don't mind
6 - I'd rather stay home
Q: I think the 4th-6th grade room is
52 - Mostly a friendly place and I don't worry about not knowing anyone
52 - Mostly a friendly place, but I don't know too many people there
3 - Mostly an unfriendly place and I worry there won't be anyone to talk to
Q: When someone is getting picked on, are you usually
69 - Away from it
3 - Leading it
7 - Not leading it, but joining in on it
20 - The one getting picked on
Q: How many kids at this church would you say you know, as in, you recognize them and know their name and would talk to them at church?
4 - I know no one
6 - I know one kid
10 - Know two kids
11 - Know three kids
12 - Know four kids
14 - Know five kids
5 - Know xix kids
6 - Know seven kids
32 - Know more than seven kids
Q: How many kids at this church would you say you are close friends with - not only would you hang out with them at church, but you would call them and invite them over to your house or to do something?
21 - No one
19 - One kid I would consider my friend
20 - Two kids I would consider my friends
17 - Three kids
6 - Four kids
8 - Five kids
1 - Six kids
2 - Seven kids
5 - More than seven kids
Q: When do you normally pray? (Kids could indicate more than one answer)
34 - In the morning
33 - At school
75 - Before I go to bed
70 - At family meals
77 - Whenever I need God's help
40 - With my parents
25 - Some other time (various answers)
Sunday, July 15, 2007
'Til I saw it with my own eyes
If seeing is believing, then there's an element of faithlessness in needing to see...but I'm sure glad I did make the trip out to Campus by the Sea on Catalina Island this week, site of our upcoming summer camp.
And I'm happy to share some video from the day with you. (CLICK HERE TO WATCH) This is must-see - not because of the production value, but because Campus by the Sea really is what everyone said it was - a memorable point of encounter with God.
I love California - don't get me wrong - but other than when I'm at the beach, I don't feel the pull of nature like I did growing up in North Dakota. In fact, I have to try hard to block out civilization here in order to get the sense of what's natural here. There isn't enough green grass for me. From my office I can hear traffic on the 5 always. Palm trees used to enchant me; now I hardly notice.
But get me in a secluded spot and the contrasts between that and the ever-noisier and congested world I inhabit are stark. I become small, God becomes big; worries fade and appreciation grows.
Tuesday, I was there.
Your kid needs to be there, too.
When we dreamed up the idea of our own summer camp this spring, I took it on good authority that Campus by the Sea on Catalina Island was a cool place. I liked the idea of being near water; summertime heat makes kids cranky. I worried there might not be enough for kids to do, or that the camp - lacking as it does electricity in the cabins - would be too rustic or simple for our sophisticated kids.
My worries have been put to rest.
Please, view the video and enjoy some scenes from Catalina. (A picture is worth a thousand words? Indeed. After we aired this footage Sunday morning we had a surge of interest in camp - after only talking about it for a couple of months.) Then, let's get your kid to summer camp.
I have great memories of the summer camp I attended growing up, on Red Willow Lake. It was there that I first met college-aged Christians, my counselors - they were so cool, and I wanted to be like them! I spent the longest away from my mom and dad I ever had up to that point - and made it through ok. I actually read the Bible for the first time. I met kids I would continue to encounter at regional and statewide church events through high school. In that way, it was my first sense that the world was actually bigger than the town of 7,000 I grew up in.
I can tell you every cabin I was in and every bunk I slept in and who my counselors were each of the four years I went. I can tell you the best year and the worst year (when I got strepthroat and had to sit out two whole days) and how sad I was to leave in 5th grade (I cried). I can still sing almost all of the songs we learned at chapel and campfire - some of them I've brought into the 4th-6th grade room here, 20 years later.
I guess what I'm saying is that summer camp is a unique, almost once-in-a-lifetime experience. There's a window: after 9th grade I was too busy with sports camps and jobs to consider giving up a whole week of my summer. But in late elementary school, camp was it. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
We have many, many open spots remaining for our camp and a great plan for the three days we'll be there. The camp theme will be "Flood of Grace" and ties into part of the camp's history: it was nearly destroyed and abandoned in 1979 after a huge amount of rainwater came down out of the mountains and washed entire buildings away. The camp rebuilt smarter, including a channel to divert mountain runoff away from the structures, into the sea. Facing a God whose will it is to flood us with his grace, what channels have we constructed to keep the "old us" intact and untouched, unable to be swept away? When God touches every part of a 10-year-old's life...what does that look like?
We have a dedicated volunteer team that is eager to spend the weekend of August 10-12 building into your child. If finances are an issue, please call me. We don't have a ton of scholarship money, but we have an opportunity to fundraise at the church the weekend before camp.
I was filled with the assurance after my trip last Tuesday that no one who makes this trip will regret it. Hope to see you at camp.
And I'm happy to share some video from the day with you. (CLICK HERE TO WATCH) This is must-see - not because of the production value, but because Campus by the Sea really is what everyone said it was - a memorable point of encounter with God.
I love California - don't get me wrong - but other than when I'm at the beach, I don't feel the pull of nature like I did growing up in North Dakota. In fact, I have to try hard to block out civilization here in order to get the sense of what's natural here. There isn't enough green grass for me. From my office I can hear traffic on the 5 always. Palm trees used to enchant me; now I hardly notice.
But get me in a secluded spot and the contrasts between that and the ever-noisier and congested world I inhabit are stark. I become small, God becomes big; worries fade and appreciation grows.
Tuesday, I was there.
Your kid needs to be there, too.
When we dreamed up the idea of our own summer camp this spring, I took it on good authority that Campus by the Sea on Catalina Island was a cool place. I liked the idea of being near water; summertime heat makes kids cranky. I worried there might not be enough for kids to do, or that the camp - lacking as it does electricity in the cabins - would be too rustic or simple for our sophisticated kids.My worries have been put to rest.
Please, view the video and enjoy some scenes from Catalina. (A picture is worth a thousand words? Indeed. After we aired this footage Sunday morning we had a surge of interest in camp - after only talking about it for a couple of months.) Then, let's get your kid to summer camp.I have great memories of the summer camp I attended growing up, on Red Willow Lake. It was there that I first met college-aged Christians, my counselors - they were so cool, and I wanted to be like them! I spent the longest away from my mom and dad I ever had up to that point - and made it through ok. I actually read the Bible for the first time. I met kids I would continue to encounter at regional and statewide church events through high school. In that way, it was my first sense that the world was actually bigger than the town of 7,000 I grew up in.
I can tell you every cabin I was in and every bunk I slept in and who my counselors were each of the four years I went. I can tell you the best year and the worst year (when I got strepthroat and had to sit out two whole days) and how sad I was to leave in 5th grade (I cried). I can still sing almost all of the songs we learned at chapel and campfire - some of them I've brought into the 4th-6th grade room here, 20 years later.
I guess what I'm saying is that summer camp is a unique, almost once-in-a-lifetime experience. There's a window: after 9th grade I was too busy with sports camps and jobs to consider giving up a whole week of my summer. But in late elementary school, camp was it. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
We have many, many open spots remaining for our camp and a great plan for the three days we'll be there. The camp theme will be "Flood of Grace" and ties into part of the camp's history: it was nearly destroyed and abandoned in 1979 after a huge amount of rainwater came down out of the mountains and washed entire buildings away. The camp rebuilt smarter, including a channel to divert mountain runoff away from the structures, into the sea. Facing a God whose will it is to flood us with his grace, what channels have we constructed to keep the "old us" intact and untouched, unable to be swept away? When God touches every part of a 10-year-old's life...what does that look like?We have a dedicated volunteer team that is eager to spend the weekend of August 10-12 building into your child. If finances are an issue, please call me. We don't have a ton of scholarship money, but we have an opportunity to fundraise at the church the weekend before camp.
I was filled with the assurance after my trip last Tuesday that no one who makes this trip will regret it. Hope to see you at camp.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
What I learned at the gym
After five years away, I have rejoined a gym. I used to exercise regularly, but busyness and laziness overtook my self-motivation. I went in for my orientation this week, which was part of the start-up package. I came away understanding that exercise is truly a science. Who knew that a computer could calculate my cardio fitness level as I lay flat on my back for three minutes? Moreover, the trainer's advice shed light on the fact that there are many ways to work out, but not all are profitable. And in that, I saw an analogy to training up kids.
Weight lifting used to be all about gaining bulk and strength. Weight trainers were musclemen - wimps need not apply. But as the public turned on to exercise, gyms became "fitness centers" and cardio machines replaced weight benches. Now, most of the public works out to "get in shape". But they aren't all succeeding. Why?
The answer has to do with what the trainer shared with me. A healthy body has a lot to do with body composition. Everyone, regardless of their weight, has a certain amount of lean muscle tissue and a certain amount of fat. The goal of a 30 minutes on the treadmill is not just to burn calories but to burn fat, which in turn is dependent on exercising at a target heart rate. The trainer said he's seen people work out for months and end up with the same body they started with; they lost some sweat, breath, and pounds, but their body makeup remained unchanged. In other words, progress isn't just a matter of losing weight, it's a process of transforming your own makeup - exchanging fat tissue for lean. Working out "wrong" will at worst lead to injury but at best lead to an unchanged body - time and money basically wasted.
Another friend of mine, who is also a personal trainer, says most people aren't interested in doing what it takes to actually be in shape, they just want to look in shape - a flatter stomach, firmer thighs, bigger arms, and so on. He's trying to teach them to work out for fitness and they want to work out for looks. One serves health; the other, vanity.
Here, then, is the question for churches in their work with kids: is the net effect of our programming - our teaching, our events, our modeling - bringing kids into a transformational relationship with their Lord; or, is it a great religious exercise that delivers some fruit and coaxes right answers, but little more? Are we leading them towards being re-made, or are we just extracting sweat and effort?
What is the goal - outward conformity or inner transformation? Are we content just to have kids mouth simple truths, or are we in the much harder business of molding their character?
The latter takes time, and patience with who they are now, not just a fixation on what we wish they were. It also requires the willingness to let them stumble, even fail - because growth, after all, is largely a process of recovering from our missteps. The opposite tack that so many churches have adopted is to manage kids into exhibiting a narrow set of behaviors we've chosen for them, and producing these by coercion or manipulation (prizes, payments, grades). I would question whether this is the proper job of a parent. It certainly is not the job of the church.
But we, the church, are at fault for assuming that role - Sunday School as Charm School - and the expectations that accompany it. A certain look is now expected of us - that at all times and in all things children will be quiet, mannerly "young men and women". We've become valued as a tool of socialization - we raise kids who don't rock the boat - instead of as the incubator of change agents. When was the last time our churches challenged kids to be bold, to be visionary, to assert themselves in righting wrongs, to fight injustice? Instead, we are valued as places of safety, happiness, and conformity. Was this Christ's mandate?
Zach Hunter is a spokesman for The Amazing Change, a movement to abolish slavery worldwide. He wrote a book called "Be the Change" and was instrumental in Amazing Grace Sunday, a day devoted to raising the issue in churches (in conjunction with the release of the movie Amazing Grace earlier this year). Inspired by Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, and William Wilberforce, he speaks to "his generation" - teens and 20-somethings - about ending slavery during their lifetimes. He, by the way, is 15. His "Loose Change to Loosen Chains" project raised more than $8,500 at his Christian school in Virginia. That's when he was 12.
We are able to determine someone's body composition; what would we see if we could tell a child's heart composition? Is there a passion in there for the poor, for outcasts, for sinners, for justice - for anything beyond PlayStation and the next big movie-of-the-summer? Are the kids who graduate our church programs really any different from well-behaved non-Christian kids? If all we turn out are strivers with pleasant manners, how will we convince them (or anyone) down the road that Christ makes any difference in a life at all - or that he is himself worth living for?
Weight lifting used to be all about gaining bulk and strength. Weight trainers were musclemen - wimps need not apply. But as the public turned on to exercise, gyms became "fitness centers" and cardio machines replaced weight benches. Now, most of the public works out to "get in shape". But they aren't all succeeding. Why?
The answer has to do with what the trainer shared with me. A healthy body has a lot to do with body composition. Everyone, regardless of their weight, has a certain amount of lean muscle tissue and a certain amount of fat. The goal of a 30 minutes on the treadmill is not just to burn calories but to burn fat, which in turn is dependent on exercising at a target heart rate. The trainer said he's seen people work out for months and end up with the same body they started with; they lost some sweat, breath, and pounds, but their body makeup remained unchanged. In other words, progress isn't just a matter of losing weight, it's a process of transforming your own makeup - exchanging fat tissue for lean. Working out "wrong" will at worst lead to injury but at best lead to an unchanged body - time and money basically wasted.
Another friend of mine, who is also a personal trainer, says most people aren't interested in doing what it takes to actually be in shape, they just want to look in shape - a flatter stomach, firmer thighs, bigger arms, and so on. He's trying to teach them to work out for fitness and they want to work out for looks. One serves health; the other, vanity.
Here, then, is the question for churches in their work with kids: is the net effect of our programming - our teaching, our events, our modeling - bringing kids into a transformational relationship with their Lord; or, is it a great religious exercise that delivers some fruit and coaxes right answers, but little more? Are we leading them towards being re-made, or are we just extracting sweat and effort?
What is the goal - outward conformity or inner transformation? Are we content just to have kids mouth simple truths, or are we in the much harder business of molding their character?
The latter takes time, and patience with who they are now, not just a fixation on what we wish they were. It also requires the willingness to let them stumble, even fail - because growth, after all, is largely a process of recovering from our missteps. The opposite tack that so many churches have adopted is to manage kids into exhibiting a narrow set of behaviors we've chosen for them, and producing these by coercion or manipulation (prizes, payments, grades). I would question whether this is the proper job of a parent. It certainly is not the job of the church.
But we, the church, are at fault for assuming that role - Sunday School as Charm School - and the expectations that accompany it. A certain look is now expected of us - that at all times and in all things children will be quiet, mannerly "young men and women". We've become valued as a tool of socialization - we raise kids who don't rock the boat - instead of as the incubator of change agents. When was the last time our churches challenged kids to be bold, to be visionary, to assert themselves in righting wrongs, to fight injustice? Instead, we are valued as places of safety, happiness, and conformity. Was this Christ's mandate?
Zach Hunter is a spokesman for The Amazing Change, a movement to abolish slavery worldwide. He wrote a book called "Be the Change" and was instrumental in Amazing Grace Sunday, a day devoted to raising the issue in churches (in conjunction with the release of the movie Amazing Grace earlier this year). Inspired by Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, and William Wilberforce, he speaks to "his generation" - teens and 20-somethings - about ending slavery during their lifetimes. He, by the way, is 15. His "Loose Change to Loosen Chains" project raised more than $8,500 at his Christian school in Virginia. That's when he was 12.
We are able to determine someone's body composition; what would we see if we could tell a child's heart composition? Is there a passion in there for the poor, for outcasts, for sinners, for justice - for anything beyond PlayStation and the next big movie-of-the-summer? Are the kids who graduate our church programs really any different from well-behaved non-Christian kids? If all we turn out are strivers with pleasant manners, how will we convince them (or anyone) down the road that Christ makes any difference in a life at all - or that he is himself worth living for?
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