A Plea for Digital Integrity (or - Why no, your 11-year-old shouldn't have a Facebook or Instagram)

--> This is a message to parents, and to fellow ministry leaders who work with kids & students, and to the kids themselves, who will never read this but who need to hear it anyhow: We all need to follow the rules.

Specifically, I’m referring to age restrictions on websites and apps, those forgettable and almost wholly unenforceable, check-the-box affirmations we must click before setting up an account. The reason for age restrictions is, ostensibly, to keep adult content away from child eyes, but also to comply with federal law.

The Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) was passed in 1998. It prohibits the collection of kids’ personal information without parental consent. The thing is, COPPA is a product of the early days of the Internet, and it was a response mainly to e-mail and subscription-based websites (for example, you needed to create a Yahoo! account in order to use Yahoo! e-mail). When COPPA was passed, people had to sit at desks to get online (imagine that) or find an Ethernet outlet to plug into with a laptop. The Internet and social media were on the periphery of our lives, not at the center.

But now? It’s everywhere, and it’s all the time. Give great credit to Apple, which by shrewd marketing managed to convince all of the developed world that every one of us needed to have 24/7 access to the Internet via a personal handheld device (despite the fact that we seemed to get by without it just a few short years earlier). What started out to be sophisticated toys bought by adults quickly got adopted by high school students, many of whom inherited their parents’ used devices. And then, quickly, smart phones and tablets became standard-issue equipment for middle schoolers as well. And they’re encroaching into elementary schools. (And - look at this: http://www.fisher-price.com/en_US/brands/babygear/products/78030

None of this is necessarily good or bad (though it is expensive). It’s reality. But it’s so much, so fast, that we’re left with this nagging suspicion that too much can’t be a good thing. Some control is needed. Parents are wanting to know what their kids are up to online, and wanting them to use devices less, or at least practice some responsibility.

But responsibility does not develop out of thin air. Responsibility is born of a commitment to observe guidelines, to define certain activity as in-bounds, and other activity as out-of-bounds. And so parents are installing filters and monitoring software, which are both imperfect and time-consuming (most of us barely have time to reflect on our own lives, much less that of another person). They’re trusting (hoping, really) that kids won’t figure out a way around the blocker or their password for parental controls, or creating anonymous, unmonitored accounts that parents don’t know about. And parents are resigned to the fact that there’s not much they can do to keep kids from accessing anything and everything on their friends’ devices.

In light of this, some parents are resorting to Digital Use Covenants, agreements the whole family signs about what constitutes acceptable and responsible tech use. Some are having their kids turn in digital devices during mealtimes or homework times or after a certain hour of the night. Some are learning how to check a browser history online. Gradually, family-by-family, definitions about what kids should and should not do/are and are not allowed to do online are taking shape. You might even call them “rules”.

Which brings me back to age restrictions.

When a preteen starts talking to me about something they saw on Instagram, my first question is always, “And what lie did you tell them about how old you were when you signed up for that account?” Because kids under 13 cannot, by law, be on Instagram. Or Facebook. Or any of a host of other apps and websites that are technically complying with COPPA by asking users to affirm that they’re over 13.

Why is this a big deal? Aren’t we living in a new digital era, one vastly different than the digital era of 20 years ago? To put it simply, if every kid is doing it, so what? Isn’t it just better to let them sign up, but then hold them accountable for the things they post and teach them to use it responsibly?

And the answer is no.

Because think about the message it sends when we turn a blind eye to kids lying about their age in order to get on Instagram – which is exactly what churches (or schools, or clubs) do when they promote use by kids who are too young to have accounts. The message is this: when it comes to those rules – meh.

And that’s a double standard.

The standard says: “As long as there’s no harm done, there’s no harm done,” and also: “No one has the right to tell you what you can and can’t do online,” – at the same time as we hope kids will willingly submit to family covenants and not try to defeat filtering software.

If we make it clear to kids that they don’t really have to follow the rules on the Internet, what makes you think they’ll ever follow your rules? Why should they?

The more I learn about social media, the more I understand it, and the less I fear it. But I also can’t ignore the fact that the longer I live, the more discerning I am, by default. We all are. Kids are not. I know not to judge my worth by how many Likes a comment or picture gets. Kids don’t. I know the harm that could come to someone else’s reputation, or my own, if questionable or offensive material is posted about them. Kids aren’t as careful. There’s nothing appealing to me about anonymous communication with strangers. Not so for kids.

Look at the rationalizations in these comments left by readers on a couple of blog posts about the the safety and appropriateness of Instagram for kids:

"I am 10 and I love Instagram! It's a fun place to post quotes and pics-it's really safe and if you use it very wisely than you won't have any problems with Instagram!"

"I am 14 years old and have a Instagram. I don't think it is safe for kids under 13 because a lot of people post BAD things and it may contain some overage images younger kids will find disturbing or gross. If you are a tween like 12 then that's okay because you can handle that stuff." (emphasis added) 

"I am 10-12 and I want a Instagram. I have promised myself to only follow people I know."

"I am a 13 year old girl that has everything - Instagram, Vine, Snapchat, you name it, I have it. My advice is not to get vine. It is for teenagers. Alot of my friends/other people I follow, we all swear at least slightly in our Vines. So its not intended for 10 year old ears. Wait until your 13. For Instagram, I think it's really ridiculous for 10 year olds to have Instagram. so I say wait until your 11 at least for Insta." (emphasis added)

Will most kids use Instagram or Facebook (or Snapchat or Tumblr or…) innocently and without causing harm or being harmed? Yeah, maybe. Probably, even. But (mostly) every kid who stumbles into inappropriate behavior online wasn’t looking for trouble when they signed up. It happened anyhow. And so the rules, archaic as they may seem and as much as we don’t like them, are there for a reason. They are to protect kids.

Mom, it’s ok. I’m not going to look at anything inappropriate.

No, I’ve never sent a sext, and I never would.

It’s fine. Me and my friends don’t post bad stuff on our accounts.

Everyone’s on Instagram. I’m the only kid without it.

All assurances kids make, and all sincere. But all beside the point.

Ultimately, our actions speak louder than words. It’s wrong to illegally download music I haven’t paid for. It’s wrong to hack someone’s account. It’s wrong to buy or sell pirated software. On what grounds do I tell kids they can’t do those things, even if they want to, even if all of their friends are doing it, even if what they’re doing isn’t nearly as bad as the really bad stuff you hear about, if when it comes to skirting age restrictions, I’ve communicated, “Eh, don’t worry about that”? In that case, does “No visiting adult websites” or “No sharing personal information with strangers” mean “no”, or “use your best judgment”?

Down the road, they will get on every app under the sun. And they will have to learn to self-regulate their own online behavior. I am talking here about people under 13. They are kids. They are forging an identity in light of what peer influence says they should be. They are beginning to test the limits of adult authority (“Do your parents really mean that when they say…?”) And they need to be taught that often, we have to say no to ourselves, even when we really want to say yes.

So if your kid is under 13 and is on social media, no shame. But delete their account (also, here). Tell them the law says so. Tell them you didn’t know that was the law. Tell them that yours is going to be a family that observes age restrictions. Doesn’t mean they’ll always comply. And they won’t like it. But it will send a message, a different message than “As long as you promise” or “As long as your intentions are good” or “As long as nothing bad happens”. We are teaching them that maybe, just maybe, there reasons to act other than immediate self-interest.

The idea that Kids are going to do whatever they want online…I have no control over it…All I can do is pray they don’t get into trouble is wrong. There are tools out there, and it takes a little work to stay informed and ahead of the curve, but you must. And one of those tools, at least for now, is the law on age restrictions. We need to follow it.