Why School Flunks as a Model for Nurturing Faith in Kids

Why do most church programs for kids resemble school? The earliest Sunday school, in England, was not even intended to promote kids' spiritual growth so much as it was intended to civilize the working-class children who otherwise would be running the streets on Sundays, causing mischief. It was an instrument of social betterment, giving actual schooling (reading and writing) and a healthy dose of training in Christian virtues to illiterate kids who were otherwise destined for a life of manual labor.

But today's kids grow up in a vastly different world, one that recognizes that child labor is wrong, that everyone deserves an opportunity for education, and that celebrates upward mobility. Families clamor to get their kids into the right preschool, kids are reading at younger ages than ever, and attending college has long been the norm for American students.

Still, when it comes to nourishing kids' faith, we're stuck with an 18th-century model.

There are lots of reasons why the Sunday school caught on in America, but the driving purpose had more to do with taming the frontier, promoting national unity, and developing civic virtue than anything else. It's important to note that Sunday schools weren't run by churches. They were independent organizations (parachurch ministries, really) that often met in churches but were not led by pastors nor a substitute for attending a church worship service. It was fully expected that everyone who attended a Sunday school - adult or child - was also active and regular in Sunday church services. In other words, Sunday school was not intended to be a worship experience, nor the only thing that supported the development of kids' faith.

Today, although the trappings of "school" are largely absent from churches - tables and worksheets have been replaced by tech and games and dramas - the gist remains the same. One of the problems of doing church "like school" for kids is that information transfer is relatively static: teachers have it, students need it, and by diligent effort, they can get what they need. But that's not a picture of what goes on as we grow spiritually.

I can think of three reasons why putting all of our eggs in the "school" model is a bad deal for kids. One is that more knowledge does not = a better Christian. More specifically, knowing more things does not translate into greater or stronger faith. Kids themselves can be complete Christians. Do you believe that? Of course, we acknowledge that Jesus said "the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these (children)" and that "unless you have the faith of a child, you will never enter the kingdom of God". But do we truly take that to heart? Or do we harbor the same prejudice as the rest of the world, which imposes a "power & performance" metric on everything, concluding that because children are young and small and simple, that makes them "less than"?

The second is that kids don't come to us empty. They have varying degrees of experience with language about God, other churches, the Bible...and so it's a mistake to assume that "what they know" will be exactly equal to "what we told them" - or anywhere close. If kids are not just mouthing words back to us, but actually internalizing the knowledge of God that's confronting them, it will look very different from one kid to another, because our life experiences create different amounts of need and color our perspective.

The third is related to the second, in that kids' exposure, intake, and processing of the things of God doesn't stop when they walk out the door of the church. It's not sequential, the way I might learn to do algebraic equations or memorize foreign-language vocabulary. The processing takes shape as kids live their varied lives.

In light of that, what role does our teaching play? It's not that truth and facts about God don't matter at all, but the end goal is not knowledge; it's faith. Faith is a weird concoction that is centered in the soul. To develop it, it's not enough just to teach to the emotions. Certainly there's a big dose of motivation involved in faith, but I can't will myself to believe in nothing. On the other hand, an approach that teaches only to the brain doesn't work either. I can memorize lots of doctrine but utterly reject the idea that it's important enough to build my life around.

So how do I teach a soul? It's pretty difficult.

But take heart - God is already at work. As I alluded to in last week's post, in God, kids can have a living, breathing, 24/7 mentoring presence in their lives who is wiser and more available than you are. And when you consider that the ultimate goal is that kids would meet God - not just learn things about him - it makes sense that he's pretty central to the process, doesn't it?

So what if we thought a little bit differently about the task? What if we considered that even now, as you read this, God is in pursuit of your child? That he is working to make himself known, and extending an invitation for them to know him? Then it turns out that all the work we do isn't building upon nothing. Rather, we are coming alongside the work God is already doing, facilitating an introduction.

To do that, we have to be perceptive, because the channels God is using to reach each kid might vary from one to the next. And the way he wants to work in their lives surely varies. Where is God moving? What is he trying to do? Many times when I've taken counselors to summer or winter camps, I've advised them, "Don't get in the way of what the Holy Spirit is trying to do." If we find ourselves working at cross-purposes to, or even opposing, what God's trying to do, we'll find ourselves frustrated. Unnecessarily frustrated!

He is the lead teacher; we come alongside. We don't create anything; God is already alive. We need not package and deliver something grand and clever, or think that we must talk kids into loving good behavior. God's already got the plan, and it's far superior to any educational program we could plan, because it's the fullness of who he is. Bring kids to that; not to school.

Looking for a Good Mentor?

Does your kid need a mentor? Chances are they do. Especially as kids grow up, the presence of caring adults in their lives who share your vision and values becomes really important. The world is a big place, and you can't be everywhere at once. Fortunately, the church can help.

I'm asked from time to time if the church can provide mentoring. Frankly, I'd love to see it happen. I think it's a biblical ideal - if not a mandate. Logistically, it's really difficult. There are non-profit organizations that exist solely to match up boys and girls with older mentors. For them, it's time-consuming and labor-intensive, and even with the best of preparation, they can't guarantee a perfect fit.

Still, I understand and sympathize with the desire. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone walking alongside my child who could fill in the gaps, who could steer them in the right direction, who my kid could talk to about the things they don't feel they can talk to me about? I get it.

Having been on the non-parent side of things, I also understand mentoring's limitations. As it turns out, those who serve as mentors are ultimately limited just as parents are. It hurts to see kids who you've invested in turn and make poor decisions. Those missteps can cause you, as a mentor, to become better at what you do - more judicious in what you say and wiser in how you use your time with them. But they can also be healthy reality checks. Being too successful as a mentor can blind you to the reality of the human condition: namely, that we don't always make the best decisions for ourselves, and that freedom is essential for us to grow to maturity.

That's why as great as having flesh-and-blood mentors is, in the end the best thing we can do for kids is lead them into a mentoring-like relationship with God.

If you think about it, he is the perfect mentor. Wise? Check. Available at all times? Check. Able to speak truth to them amidst a swirl of contradictory advice from the world? Check. Able to let go and allow them to fail? Check. The thing is that God's mentorship of us is completely devoid of ego or the need to feel good by "giving back" or "making a difference". Those are benefits someone derives from serving in a mentoring capacity, but they can easily become the motivation. Instead, God's care for us - marked by his unfailing availability to us and presence in our lives - is driven entirely by his self-giving love. It will never get entangled in his need for self-affirmation; it will never become conditional on our acceptance of what he gives.

I don't know any mentor who has an unlimited supply of energy. I don't know any mentor who wouldn't get discouraged to see kids turn their back on the mentor's advice. I don't know any mentor who wouldn't be slightly annoyed to be ignored during good times, and then desperately called upon when they're needed to get someone out of a jam.

God is the one influence your kid will be able to carry with them always, who will appropriately give them freedom and space to grow yet also sustain them with grace. We do kids a disservice, then, when we only teach them about him but never lead them to encounter him. We sell kids short when we teach Christian values but don't lead them to discover the Christ who authored it all. We mislead kids when all we give them from the Bible is the Law, without shining a light on the character of the Lawgiver and his subsequent roles: Judge, Defense Attorney, Scapegoat, Savior.

If you're looking for a good mentor, teach your kids to really know God personally. As you do, allow them the freedom to discover him, recognizing that where there's freedom, there's often mistakes. Being a godly parent doesn't mean you'll have perfect kids. It means you imitate God in the way you balance mercy & consequences, grace & truth, all within an atmosphere of freedom.

Likewise, God makes no guarantees to you or I about the sequence or fruit of his work in your kid's life. When kids connect to God, he begins a work in them that results in transformation. Because it's accomplished through freedom and not coercion, it's a bumpy, winding road. But he will lead them there. Do we trust God to complete the work?

That trust entails letting go of our own expectations, and embracing radical trust that whatever God wills is what is good. It is relinquishing kids' development, not controlling it. It's letting the mentor - God - step to the fore, which seems backwards. In churches we are fond of saying that "parents are the primary disciplers of their kids" and everything else exists to support the parents' will. I think God has another plan, and it's for parents to subsume even their own influence to that of God. He is the discipler; everyone and everything else is a surrogate.

It would be audacious for any human mentor to suggest this: "I know you're the parent, but let me take over here." But that's exactly the exchange God proposes