Helping a teenager stay on balance spiritually is like holding a tabletop and trying to balance a marble at the middle. The slightest upset in the balance and the marble begins to roll. You tilt the table the other direction - but a bit too far, and the marble rolls past center, requiring another quick adjustment before the marble escapes off the edge.
If you have a pre-teen living in your house, get ready to grab hold of the table.
Adolescence brings a whirlwind of sudden change, biological and emotional, that can't help but have spiritual ramifications. In one sense, this is exciting - teenagers feel more deeply, and so the exhilaration of a summer camp or mission trip or some other "mountaintop experience" can spur them on to a deeper level of spiritual motivation than they've ever known. But the "me first" self-consciousness that develops can be a hindrance to spiritual life, especially when it comes to serving a God who asks them to deny self (a form of social suicide) and voluntarily accept last place. As a result, the whole commitment thing is elusive. Many teenagers reach a point of decision but as the winds of everyday life shift, the resolve doesn't stick, and they join the league of defeated strivers who feel they've failed in following Christ. (Orthey try again - at camps and rallies where a gospel invitation is given, you now see many more "rededicating their lives to Christ", a concept I find nowhere in the Bible, than making first-time decisions.
At the same time, you're holding this tabletop, trying to keep the marble steady, but lacking some of the access you enjoyed when they were younger. In "And Suddenly They're 13", David and Claudia Arp call parenting young teenagers "the art of hugging a cactus". They share less, they're more image-conscious, they want to believe they can make big decisions for themselves. Just when you've stablized the table, the marble seemingly rolls itself! But when your child has a significant relationship with an older Christian other than you, it's as if someone else has taken hold of the other side of the tabletop. A mentoring-type relationship is not only a help to them, it's a help to you.
Let me suggest three elements of a mentoring relationship that I believe are foundational:
1. The mentor is not a parent. I mean this in every sense - that the mentor is not expected to do the parenting; that they are also not a mouthpiece or a puppet for parents; and, that they are in fact not the child's parent, but another trusted adult. Why would you want someone from outside your family stepping in to that role? Isn't that stepping away from your job as the primary discipler of your child? No. As I wrote about last week, I believe partnership implies a relationship where each side plays a distinct role. It is not abdicating responsibility. An older mentor does not take the place of an active parent because they aren't being called upon to do parenting. Rather, they are a balancing and moderating influence in a child's life.
If nothing else, a like-minded mentor can send the message, "Hey, my parents aren't crazy after all - here's another grown up who thinks the way they do." Secondly, that person is a separate set of eyes and ears who has insight into your child's speech and actions away from home. If you want to get a clear picture of who your child really is, solicit honest feedback from any adult who deals with him or her - teachers, coaches, friends' parents, church volunteers. The more information you can gather, the better picture you get of not only their behavior, but their values, character, emotional maturity, social standing, creativity and flexibility - and all of this in turn affects how that kid needs to be discipled.
2. The mentoring relationship is intentional and purposeful. It seems like such a no-brainer, that parents would pull together a team of like-minded adults who are invested in the spiritual well-being of their kid and work together toward that goal. But unfortunately, few kids have mentors who are building into them in any meaningful way, much less spiritually. These relationships don't exist because parents don't seek them. Why? Often I think parents are content just to have adults in their kids' lives who are "positive role models", regardless of whether there's any spiritual component to the relationship. This is a serious error. An adult who only directs your child toward "health and happiness" is not pointing them in the direction of Christ. Of course we want health and happiness for our kids, but only as a means to an end: we should want emotional health, for instance, because lack of emotional growth can drag us down spiritually. But, it also needs to be recognized that God can break through our un-health and work in the midst of our un-happiness. This is a distinctly Christian principle - that suffering is a part of life, that God will use tragedy and sorrow to refine our character, that our momentary happiness is not the gauge of our well-being (in fact, contrast this with Romans 8:18). As much as we want kids to observe healthy adult role models, don't neglect the spiritual aspect of health.
3. Parents and the mentor must communicate. I have rarely had any success working with a kid where I did not have a meaningful relationship with his parents. I knew the parents and they knew me, and we communicated frequently about what we saw. This doesn't mean that the mentor is "used" by the parents to get information that isn't otherwise forthcoming. There is confidentiality in the relationship (with limits), but parents and the student both know that there's an open line of communication among the adults. Often that third party is in a position to influence the student to disclose information that really shouldn't be kept secret. Years ago, I became aware that a student I worked with had impregnated his girlfriend, then paid for her to have an abortion. My role once I found out was not to expose this to his parents, but to counsel him that that was exactly what he needed to do, rather than compound the mistake by trying to keep it a secret. A mentor can serve as a neutral third party, but even then, their role is to get problems out in the open, so that parents and kids resolve things directly, and not through triangulation.
Where does a parent go to find these relationships for their child? That's the $64,000 question. In our own ministry, we try to match up kids and leaders at an 8-to-1 ratio. That's clearly even too many for a leader to be deeply involved with all of them. Can another parent fill this role? Possibly, but one thing a mentoring relationship requires is lots of time, and what parent has an abundance of time to spare? We have a preconceived notion that a mentor is young, early 20s, single, "cooler" than the parents - but this severely limits the pool and it doesn't have to be the case. I think anyone with a willingness and an ability to relate to kids can be a mentor. The key is whether your kid feels an affinity and a willingness to trust that person. Only once in my life have I been called out of the blue by a parent asking me to mentor her son. More often, those relationships have grown organically through repeated encounters with kids and lots of time.
The best advice I can give to parents seeking a mentor for their son or daughter is to put them in situations where they have regular contact with older Christians and pray that a relationship will be forged. Do this early. Make your child "known" among his or her youth group leaders. Encourage your child's involvement in outside church events. And ask. Most people would be gratified to be asked to fill that role, but aren't going to assert themselves for fear of looking pushy or creepy. But don't ignore this piece - it's worth the investment. And your arms will get tired holding that tabletop alone.
Factor #8: Significant relationship with an older, non-parental Christian
Key Question: Is there another adult besides my spouse and me who is investing in my child, and how openly do I communicate with that person?
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
