For some time now it's been fashionable for churches to assert that "parents are the primary disciplers of their children." This is sometimes offered as an assurance (we're not trying to take over your role), other times apologetically (we refuse to take over your role), and other times as a hedge against criticism (hey, we can only do so much!). But as I've written about (see, for instance, this post), the nature of partnership between parents and churches when it comes to the spiritual nourishment of kids is such that one need not fear the other, because the roles are distinct. Parents need churches - there are certain things a church body can accomplish that an individual family cannot - and churches need families - a church institution cannot surrogate for the individual care and nurturance that young souls need.
The problem is, in most churches - this one included - there isn't much bridging between the two environments. Going to church as a family entails splitting up once on-site and reuniting in the parking lot when it's time to go home. What happens in between constitutes "the ministry". Not that the ministering would necessarily be better if families merely stayed together; my entire family sat together in church weekly from birth-age 18, but that doesn't mean the church was "reaching" us as a family, collectively. Church remained an individualistic enterprise.
What does it mean, then, when we talk about ministering to whole families? I would suggest a few things:
1. Ministry to the family gives everyone a common language and facilitates further discussion. In spiritually nourishing home environments, God is talked about freely. One of the best things churches can do is put parents and kids on equal footing so there is actually something to talk about. Of course it's great whenever we touch on something in the 4th-6th grade class that paralleled the teaching in adult church, but this is always purely by coincidence. Am I suggesting that churches should coordinate their teaching series across age groups? I'm not. Some churches do this, but believing as I do that the content of a lesson should meet the needs of the learner - ideally, we need to be answering the questions they're already asking - I can't buy into prescribed curriculum. To me, it disregards a pastor's individual judgment, when in fact pastors are charged with "know[ing] well the condition of [their] flock." But what ministries can do is give their hearers a common language with which to dialogue about spiritual things. This is really a question of consistent theology: what does a church teach about who God is and how God works and his will for all mankind and the role of the church and the meaning of "salvation" and what it means to follow Jesus? Families who are of one heart and mind on these things will find it easy to support one another spiritually, and to pray.
2. Great ministry to families recognizes the need to develop the whole person. This would be in contrast to a view that sees the job of the church as equipping parents primarily to do religious instruction. The difference, I think, hinges on an understanding of the word "salvation" and, consequently, one's understanding of the role of the church in bringing this about. For if you view salvation as "crossing the goal line" and securing eternal life through the forgiveness of sin, you will value church for its work in proclaiming truth, and Christian Education largely takes on the form of presenting precepts and unchanging propositions. However, a more holistic (and I think correct) view of salvation takes into account the ongoing work of redemption; salvation begins with the forgiveness of sins, but it is not limited to that, and a child's ability to both enter into and experience the ongoing work of salvation will be shaped and limited by who they are - physically, emotionally, cognitively, and socially. Another way of saying this is to observe that each of us travels a different path to reach the one path, Jesus. Individual testimonies describe how a person entered a relationship with Christ, but they don't necessarily prescribe how that ought to happen.
All of this is to say that churches need to be mindful of the health of the whole person, and particularly with regard to children, their emotional development. To teach kids to be empathetic, to recognize emotions, to communicate, to resolve conflict, to assert their needs, to think critically - these are all proper for churches to teach, and they are not the same as merely talking about character values: be kind, be modest, be happy, be quiet, be sober, be abstinent. That teaches what to do but not how. Good ministry to families - to anyone, really - comes alongside of rather than stands facing; it talks with, not to. The better we are situated to meet individual needs, the better we will be able to equip families.
3. This relates to a third need, which is to network families together. Sometimes a sympathetic ear is worth more than loads of expert advice. There is great comfort in knowing you're not the only parent dealing with a defiant child, or an unbelieving spouse, or an unmotivated son, or an image-obsessed daughter. So in addition to putting the best resources and scholarship in the hands of parents, churches can do a service simply by bringing people together. The secondary effect of this is that childhood friendships sometimes grow out of adult ones. But this doesn't happen by accident. With kids from more than 88 different schools in the last 12 months in the 4th-6th grade alone, the reach of this church is vast. What do we do to bring people from disparate neighborhoods together, and even to get those who are geographically close to know that the other exists?
4. Finally, ministry to the family helps families in crisis. Much of this is already in place here; we just haven't done the best job of communicating it to you. That's changing. We're starting to recognize that the health of individual ministries is enhanced by collaboration among us, because we serve the same body. One example would be the appearance by Tim Smith last fall, and subsequent discussion group on his book, "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids." Another would be the upcoming night (Jan. 31) on Internet Safety with Brian Dixon - which will be offered at the same time as we're doing an outreach night for the kids just down the hall. Divorce Care for Kids has just started for the new year. Grief support groups are starting soon through the Caring Ministry. As we in 4th-6th grade continue to morph from "class" to "ministry" we are better able to identify families in need and refer them appropriately. There is no way for a "children's" ministry to provide all of this on its own. So while the size of a church like ours tends to impose anonymity, the upside is that we have a vast pool of resources here and are able to offer many specialized classes and groups.
We believe in families, and want to invest in them. Programming for families is tricky because it involves coordinating twice as many schedules and either providing content that's age-appropriate for both generations, or conducting parallel programs. So how we will deliver this is a work in progress. But the nature of the church-family partnership demands that we try, or we'll miss the opportunity that exists to give kids every spiritual advantage.
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
