Kids and the Art of Game-Playing

I enjoyed this article from slate.com on kids and rules when it comes to games. As the author points out, some kids take rules very seriously, while others are too quick to compromise. As a result, the completion of a game is nowhere near a certainty, even when the rules are clearly understood by both sides. A good lesson for life, too?

"No One Likes a Cheater" by Emily Bazelon

The Culture Gets it Wrong on Teenage Sex, revisited

The revelation that vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin's teenage daughter is pregnant has given us all another opportunity to collectively (choose one): wring our hands, tsk-tsk, question abstinence-only education policies, cast aspersions on Bristol's parenting, or cast about for silver linings ("Good for her that at least she's having the baby..."). Unfortunately it hasn't produced any sort of dialogue that would be helpful in answering the question that looms large: why did this happen to a girl from a family like that, and what does that mean for other well-meaning parents who believe their kids should abstain from pre-marital sex? Instead, it has cast a cloud of gloom over those who would hold that abstinence is not only possible, but wise, in favor of the conventional wisdom that teens just won't, and all we can do is accept that and arm them with birth control. Which is nonsense.

Several months ago I highlighted a column by Ruth Marcus of the Washington Post in which she expressed her belief that teenage abstinence was just a hopeless fantasy (my words, not hers). Marcus is the mother of two girls, ages 11 and 13, and her pessimism emerged afresh two weeks ago when it was revealed that Bristol Palin, the daughter of the abstinence-supporting governor, was pregnant by her boyfriend.

Now I am probably one of about five people in California who ever reads Ruth Marcus' column, so it's not as if I think she has the country in her sway. Nor do I think she's particularly bent on forcing this issue. She's expressing her opinion, which is her job, and I'm sure she's a caring mother and sincerely believes she can't expect her daughters to save sex for marriage. I just happen to think she's wrong, very wrong, on an important cultural issue. And as I believe her ideas are representative of the prevailing cultural wisdom, I highlight them and comment on them.

In early September, Marcus wrote about "The Lesson of Bristol Palin", which she takes to be that even parents who believe in abstinence for their kids can end up with a pregnant daughter. Fair enough. But Marcus cites a statistic that more than 60% of U.S. high school seniors have had sex and concludes that efforts to promote abstinence - in schools and in families - are pretty much futile.

Marcus apparently believes that abstinence education is widespread and being taught well - two highly debatable assumptions. (Effective education is never just a one-time or one-way message.) But the saddest, most cynical part of the piece is when she writes:

Being a teenager means taking stupid risks. The best, most attentive parenting and the best, most comprehensive sex education won't stop teenagers from doing dumb things. The most we as parents can hope for is to insulate our children, as best we can, from the consequences of their own stupidity.

Really? Is that the approach that teaches kids responsible decision making? I'm sure she doesn't think that's cynical, but when you expect the worst from someone and offer that the proper role of a teenager's parent is to mop up their messes, you can't set the bar much lower than that.

And where does this "stupidity" come from? We know that not every teenager is given to abusing drugs. Not every one of them drinks. Even though the law allows you to drop out of school at 16, most kids finish high school and go on to college. It's not every kid who's a delinquent. So what's the difference between kids who make redeeming choices for themselves and those who don't? Researchers, like those at the Search Institute, have a good grasp on this. Unfortunately the everyday world isn't aware of what researchers know so we retreat to a position of defeatism and cynicism: "Being a teenager means taking stupid risks." (Read what Search has discovered about assets and risk behavior patterns; Marcus' assertion has no basis.)

Marcus says she'll be delivering an "admittedly muddled message" to her girls when they talk about what to take away from Bristol Palin: "Wait, please. But whenever you choose to have sex, at some distant moment, don't do it without contraception."

The important question isn't whether Sarah Palin has been a bad parent. The question is whether there's anything beyond "Wait, please" that can help delay teenage sexual activity? Good news: there is. But I'm not sure Marcus has any idea.

Nor am I sure that she holds teenage sex to be a bad thing, as long as it doesn't result in pregnancy, HIV, or another disease. There's a casualness about the role of sex in a relationship that is a little jarring. Do we seriously think that young teenagers - or old ones, for that matter - ought to be sexually active, and that their emotional development is barely affected by it? That's where the pro-abstinence side I think could make a strong argument, and shake off the perception that they are just anti-sex and pro-ignorance. But they, too, have failed to put forth a constructive solution.

At the heart of this - on both sides - is plainly a reluctance to discuss relationships and sex often and authentically enough to be helpful to kids. One of the best curriculums I've seen on the subject, for instance, asks kids to think about and process through the worst sexual mistake they've ever made. Few parents are comfortable going there. But make no mistake - kids talk about sex to one another. Who's hooking up with whom is standard Monday-morning hallway chatter in high schools, and even pre-teens are aware that sex is a component of certain teenage and adult relationships, though they remain ignorant of the complexities and dynamics.

We in the church world fail to sell the value of abstinence because we oversimplify it, telling them they "just" need to do this or that. The truth is that a direct "here's what to do" works for some kids; but not for most. We've failed to appreciate that "just say no" really is just too hard in many cases - so kids dismiss us. Our failure to grasp their need to know why? and what if? and what about? ends up with us failing the credibility test, and that perception is crucial if you want your advice to be taken seriously. Kids want to know that we've been there, that we empathize with where they are today. You've made mistakes and learned lessons? Great, but don't expect that your seasoned understanding will simply transfer. A postmodern precept is that one person's experience is not necessarily prescriptive for everyone. That happens to be true here.

And who can sell good behavior anyhow? What adolescent wants to be "good", or would tout their "goodness" to others? Talking about everything you haven't done yet doesn't make you very exciting. Instead, it's much easier to work toward something than keep yourself away. That's why "purity" became the buzzword in Christian circles over "abstinence". "Purity" describes something you possess; "abstinent" merely denotes what you haven't done.

Two authors who get this are the husband-wife team of Eric and Leslie Ludy. Their book, Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-13 Generation has some good things to say about the need to teach sex in a context of relational wholeness. Kids and teenagers need to see themselves not just as they are in the present - hormonally charged, heavily influenced by peers - but who they someday will be, including the kind of husband or wife, father and mother they see themselves becoming. And the Ludys draw a bright-line distinction between "innocence" and "purity" which should be a help to parents who struggle with whether it's right to introduce the subject of sex if their 11-year-old is still blissfully unaware. (It is.)

No, the lesson of Bristol Palin is not that we should expect every teenager to be sexually active. The lesson is that what we're doing now to educate kids about healthy sexual values is not working. Marcus seems to believe that the answer is to abandon all but the clinical parts of sexual education, so that kids stay "protected". That's a strange prescription, one that in the end stifles dialogue rather than promoting it, and makes kids vulnerable rather than protecting them.

Being a Spiritual Leader at Home

I could probably do a dozen dodgeball nights, where we invite kids, who hopefully invite their friends, where we'll hopefully meet them and be able to invite them to come to church, or at least show them that church is a non-threatening place. Then, it would take a while for the kid to get comfortable at church, to find a service and a leader and friends they liked, and a while longer for a leader to become invested in that child's life, to the point that they knew them beyond casually. Only then might we have won the access and right to speak into their lives, to have overt spiritual impact.

I could do all that; or I could spend one evening training the people who are the most willing, consistent, persistent influences in a child's life. Now you tell me: which is the better investment?

That reality helps explain why we're pouring into parents this fall. It has long been a goal to use our midweek program in part to free up parents specifically for this type of training. Whenever you train parents, what to do with the kids is always an issue, making Sunday morning classes tricky. Our Wednesday night series, Parenting 101, kicked off last Wednesday with a talk by Bill Farrell that left parents buzzing.

So when Tim Smith told us he could train parents and kids together, it was an idea we couldn't refuse. This Friday night, around tables in the Family Center, with dinner provided, Tim will show you how to have a family time that is spiritually nourishing. We'll bring the food, the materials, Tim, and the fun. You just bring the family.

Beyond the obvious goal of teaching parents how to do a family time, one of the goals of an event like this is to motivate them that they should and can. Many parents feel inadequate for the task of spiritual leadership. Maybe they were raised in non-Christian homes, or as part of churchgoing families that didn't speak of spiritual things in the home. Others feel that not having been discipled themselves, they wouldn't know what to do. Or, some may have tried family Bible studies or working through devotional books with their kids but been frustrated by the results.

If any of the above fit you, and it's kept you from attempting home-based spiritual instruction, let me offer this word of encouragement: you are a spiritual leader in your kids' eyes whether you feel like one or not. Your attitude toward spiritual things, spoken or unspoken, has not gone unnoticed. Your kids know what you value. Anything that comes out of your mouth regarding spiritual things will be given great weight because ordinarily parents' beliefs and values are given deference no matter what the subject. I'm convinced this is why political beliefs tend to stay stable within families through generations - it isn't because kids have been exposed to formalized, systematic indoctrination, but because little comments here and there, attitudes, and preferences are picked up and pieced together, and the parent's worldview gets adopted by the child.

Maybe an analogy would help. I was raised in a family of teachers. My dad taught high school and my mom taught 4th grade. Because of this, I automatically gave anyone who wore the label "teacher" a certain degree of respect, well into college. Teachers, in my mind, were always right, always competent, and always hardworking. How surprised was I to later hear my parents candidly assess former colleagues! It never dawned on me that they could have improved: in my eyes, they were all equally qualified and skilled.

In the same way, unless you have horribly mismanaged your parental authority, your kids hold what you say and do in high regard. "My mom says" or "My dad told me" carries great rhetorical force in Kid World - a decided argument ender. This is for no other reason than that you are Mom or Dad. (Savor this now, before they turn old enough to know everything!)

Every church's message to parents must be, "You can do it!" and in the same breath, "We can't!" Homes and churches are totally different spheres of influence. Yet, if we are properly concerned about the spiritual care and development of kids, those spheres should overlap just enough that we can lend some of our expertise on teaching and spiritual nurture to you. They will overlap Friday night, and we are eager to see you there.

All About Our New Midweek Program

Here's the lowdown on our 2008-09 midweek program, which moves to Wednesdays, 6-7:30 pm, and begins September 10.

 

The new program is called "STEAM". Any student in grades 4-6 is welcome to come. The night will consist of two parts: activities and electives. During the first 45 minutes, from 6-6:45, we will "blow off steam" with a variety of games and fun activities. We will have access (most weeks) to the gymnasium as well as the outdoor yard. Games might include soccer, basketball, kickball, dodgeball, competitive handball, ultimate frisbee, etc. We will also set aside an area for an arts & crafts project for those kids who don't want a highly physical activity.

 

Midway through the night (at 6:45), kids will transition to their elective. This is where we "gain steam". Kids are divided and will go to different rooms depending on the elective they are in. Some electives are series, like the Young Peacemaker or Stumped by the Bible, and a child registered for one of these would go to that elective every week until it finishes.

 

How do I pre-register for an elective? There is a registration form and you can download this from our website. The form explains how many weeks each elective meets, the dates, and the cost of materials (which is small). www.northcoastcalvary.org/steam

 

Is it necessary to pre-register? It may be. It does help us plan by having ordered enough materials. Theoretically the rooms we use can only hold so many, but practically speaking, space should not be a problem.

 

How do I know where to go each night? When you arrive, you and your child will go straight to check-in, which is in the church's main lobby, outside the sanctuary/gymnasium. Everyone must check in. Because of the size of our campus and its openness, it is important for us to know who has come and what they are signed up for. Please help us with this - always check in. At check-in, a child will be allowed to choose their activity for the night (this is the first 45 minutes). We will give you a colored wristband depending on what you choose. We will also write on your wristband where to go at transition time (6:45) for your elective. Obviously if you've pre-registered for an elective, that is where you'll go every week.

 

What electives are being offered? For the Fall session, five of them. They are The Young Peacemaker, a class about using Biblical principles to resolve conflict (see last week's post); Stumped by the Bible: Old Testament, a six-week overview of the Old Testament; Stumped by the Bible: New Testament, the NT compliment; How to Draw Bible Good, Bad, and Ugly Guys, in which kids will learn how to sketch different characters from the Bible and at the same time hear the stories involving those characters; and Topical Studies for Pre-Teens, which will be a simple Bible study on some character issue common to 4th-6th graders. The topic will change each week.

 

Kids can "drop-in" to the drawing elective once without needing to purchase the book. After that, the book is $10. Kids not pre-assigned to an elective will have a chance to choose one at check-in for that night. The Young Peacemaker and Stumped by the Bible electives have start dates (see the registration form) and kids will not be allowed to "jump in" once they've already begun. So, look over the list of electives offered and be sure you're getting your child into the one they want. (The Old Testament elective will be offered twice during Fall, and we do anticipate offering The Young Peacemaker again in the Spring.)

 

Do you need help? We do - we need registration help each week as well as people to serve as guides with kids (similar to a guide's role at Kids Games) and lead indoor & outdoor activities.

 

But…

We also hope you'll look at the Parenting 101 series being offered in conjunction with Marriage & Family Ministry and take advantage of the classes and workshops there. Jeff Reinke, Bill & Pam Farrell, and Dr. Achibald Hart will speak on the first three Wednesdays during the kids' midweek program (6-7:30 pm) - and that's just September! As we know that time spent at home is proportionally greater than time spent in church, we believe that parents have the greatest opportunity for spiritual influence over their kids. But, we recognize that many parents, while eager to fulfill that responsibility, feel inadequate or don't know where to begin. So Wednesday nights are also about you.

 

And, to underscore our belief in the importance of a spiritually nourishing home environment, we've invited back Tim Smith to do a hands-on training with moms and dads and kids, on Friday, September 19. Tim is the author of The Danger of Raising Nice Kids and spoke at NCCC a year ago. In the training on September 19, he will show you how to lead a spiritually beneficial family time. We'll supply the meal, the place (our auditorium) and Tim - you just bring your family. $5/person, with a $25 maximum for families.

 

So that's some of what we've laid out for families to begin this school year. We hope Wednesdays will become a night of spiritual enrichment for the whole family. Full STEAM ahead!