Kids are capable of a lot - much more than church programs have typically given them credit for. They can evaluate needs around the world and decide who they want to support. They can articulate reasons for what they believe, and they can entertain what-if scenarios when it comes to making decisions. But there is at least one circumstance they can't foresee, and they need our help.
That help is in developing a circle of Christian friends, in addition to whatever other peer groups they're a part of - neighborhood friends, soccer teams, scout troops, family friends, or whatever. Those affiliations are important, and natural, and help us develop a sense of "who am I" in a context of various others. But as a fifth-grade boy asked me four years ago, "What if your friends aren't Christians - but they're still good people?"
Good question. Relevant question. At age ten, there are very few kids who are thoroughly corrupted, so rotten and unprincipled that they ought to be avoided. Most kids can tell you stories that bear out the aphorism, "He/she is ok, once you get to know them." And this faith in human nature reigns during one of the best periods of our life - late childhood - when, if nothing has gone horribly wrong, we get a few years of ascribing the best to people, before the jadedness of adolescence (when we start to see that adults, too, are only human) sets in. So if I'm a kid who hangs around with good kids who don't pressure me to do wrong and whom I have fun with, why should it matter to me to carve out a friendship group at church?
The answer, it turns out, is pretty nuanced. Let me first say that I don't think it's helpful, as the fundamentalist world has tended to do, to sharply divide people into two "saved vs. unsaved" camps. Such thinking places an artificial emphasis on bringing people across the finish line ("they're saved!") while neglecting the important reality and work that is abiding in Christ, and the result is the moral crisis that the church finds itself in today, where "saved" folks don't live a whole lot differently than "unsaved" folks.
On the whole, the church should be marked by greater degrees of love and forgiveness and justice and charity than what we find outside the church; but this is not to say that those apart from the church are not capable of great moral good. The differences lie in: 1. what you hold to be the ultimate measure of what is good, 2. the motivation to do that good, and 3. the resources you draw upon to accomplish the good.
Where there is agreement among religions or between Christ followers and the secular world on what is good, we should celebrate this: humans agree on much of what constitutes right and fair and just. But those who claim "all religions teach basically the same thing" are far too focused on outcomes. To a Christian, who we are and who we are becoming matters every bit as much as what we do. And so, William Wilberforce, who fought to see slavery abolished in Great Britain, did a virtuous thing, but it is not to be considered greater virtue than those who spoke against slavery but did not live to see its demise, just because Wilberforce "won". And the pastor who faithfully serves a congregation of 50 with diligence and integrity is to be esteemed every bit as much (and maybe more) than a pastor over thousands.
Those who will appeal to the teachings of Jesus like "Love your neighbor as you love yourself" and "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone", in fairness should also cite other injunctions like "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" or "Anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." Do we teach kids to identify with Paul's claim that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me," or his counsel that "It has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him"? These are the aspects of Christian life that we don't often emphasize, but they are the elements that, if pushed through, bring reward. If we don't teach them and model them, we condemn our kids to a colorless, ascetic Christianity, where they know what to do, but are ambivalent about why. This is a Pharisaic hell, and it's no wonder they flee from it once they get out from under our yolk. No one aspires to be moral and boring.
In short, Christians and non-Christians share many of the same goals and want the same things, but they are not equally committed to the ideals of self-denial, of suffering for Christ, or of accepting that it's worth going through hardship for the character it builds within us. These are elements of discipleship that we grow into and grow through, and - this is important - they are realized in community with other believers.
So to be honest, it isn't at all clear why a 10-year-old needs a group of Christian friends; but it's abundantly clear why a 15-year-old does. So maybe this one falls into the category of "Trust me, you just should", as in, "Why do I need to go to bed when I'm not tired?" or "Why should I stop after only one can of soda?" or "Why should I make it a habit to stretch before exercising?" And as with everything else that's worth doing even if it doesn't make sense, it takes a discipline that is outside ourselves to carry through.
This is where parents come in. You are the key to bridging the gap between sacred and secular so kids don't develop a world that is divided between "God's stuff" and the rest of life. Kids should know that their friends are welcome over at your house, on camping trips, on days at the beach, and yes, at church. Bringing friends along to church and church-sponsored events should be as natural as breathing. We have three of our biggest, most attractive events of the year coming up, and kids will have fun at them regardless of whether they bring someone they know or not. But that very truth can work against us: if kids are unsure about whether an event will be fun for them, it may scare them away from inviting someone from outside the church; on the other hand, if the fun factor is assured, they may not need the safety that having a familiar friend provides at a large event.
Fortunately, it's not an either/or, where we are either asking kids to set aside their own enjoyment or to tolerate something mediocre just because the church said you had to bring someone. With Harvest Party set for this Friday, it promises to be our biggest ever and we've paid special attention this year to the different needs of younger and older kids, and established some special areas for each. The second major event is our 4th-6th grade sleepover, Friday, December 11, and that's a run-up to our annual weekend away at Forest Home, January 15-17. When you encourage your son or daughter to be mindful of who they might bring along to each one of these, you are building a relational nest egg that they can tap into just a few years down the road, when peers surge ahead parents as the source of identification and everyday guidance.
Trust me when I tell you that kids who enter high school without any close Christian peers to walk the road with them, struggle. The black-white world of elementary school decision making gives way to infinite shades of gray. And the tendency - even among "good kids" - is not to "spur one another on to love and good deeds"; high school and middle school have a flattening effect, where kids are unwittingly thrown into a mini-adult rat race. It's no wonder that time with friends ends up taking the form of whatever-it-takes to blow off stress. Spurring one another on is a deliberate action, and it is entered into willingly.
Like I said - the answer to "What if your friends aren't Christians - but they're still good people?" is nuanced. We can't expect preteens to grasp all of this. But we can make them ready for the season when they'll need a group of like-minded peers to lean on. Then they'll thank us for it.
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
