Families Matter

Why hold a FallLaunch for parents on maximizing spiritual influence? Why offer a PG-13 class, equipping parents to guide a young adolescent? Why teach a five-week overview of the Bible for parents & kids to take together?

Simply, because if we care about kids, we have to.

More precisely, if we take seriously the responsibility we've been given to lead kids to faith and through faith, we have to pay attention to the facts about relative influence. "Relative influence" doesn't refer to the fact that families have more influence than churches - but it could! Because in a study by Search Institute, when teenagers were asked who had most influenced the faith they had, "parents" was the #1 response - ahead of church programs, youth ministers, or peers.

That's something to think about. But we need to do more than just think about it. We - churches and parents - need to consider the implications. Here's the truth: church programming is probably better than it's ever been for children and youth. There is a ton of published material out there for groups of all sizes, addressing every topic under the sun. Five years ago the amount of curriculum and devotional materials specifically for preteens was pretty sparse. No longer. Churches and what we do are important. But we are not enough.

Consider: A kid who came to church every weekend and attended our midweek program every single week would have about 111 hours invested at the church each year. By contrast, they spend over 1,000 hours in school per year, and - ready? - about 4 hours watching TV and more than 7.5 hours using all forms of electronic media on a typical day (for kids 8-18, according to the Kaiser Family Foundation, 2010). So with packed schedules, how can parents possibly make a difference?

The answer is that parents set the context of a kid's whole life, and most importantly, they are the ones available when the opportunity for spiritual influence arises. One formal study of parent-child "God talks" found that discussion of spiritual matters was most likely to occur randomly, and not on the way to and from religious services or activities. It seems churches can do all they want to try to make spiritual dialogue happen inside their walls (and they sometimes succeed), but for the most part, kids will talk when they're good and ready! And those times tend to fall among the everyday experiences of life: in the car on the way to school, at mealtimes and bedtimes, while on vacation, during commercial breaks of TV shows, and so on. Families matter because parents are consistently there.

That's not to say that churches don't have a role. We have an important one. But it's wrong to think of kids as empty vessels, who will only think about the things we give them to think about and ask about the things we happen to be talking about. Kids' minds are always at work trying to make sense of the world they live in, and parents, by their proximity, are in perfect position to be the day-to-day leaders.

Imagine for a minute that you were going to tend to your kid's spiritual health the same way you tend to their physical health. What would that look like?

First, you'd recognize that kids are resilient. We don't have to be perfect in the way that we nurture, but we shouldn't be totally negligent, either. Somewhere between "whatever doesn't kill 'em, makes 'em stronger" and perfectionist parenting lies a happy medium, where we do our best with what we have and recognize that one person's efforts won't make or break a kid spiritually.

Still, that wouldn't keep you from bringing your child in for doctor's visits. It wouldn't stop you from giving your kid medicine and rest when they are sick. In the same way, we're right to expose kids to good church programming, to use the counseling and support group resources of a church when needed. It's good to make regular church attendance part of the routine of your family, and for your kid to become known by other kids and leaders.

But if you left the doctor's office and then returned to a steady diet of junk food, that'd be pretty counterproductive. Because you know and recognize that good health is in your hands, a product of the decisions you make day in and day out. You'd buy healthy foods and learn how to prepare healthy meals. You'd encourage your child to get adequate exercise, and rest. As best you could, you'd try to incorporate good health habits into the rhythm of your family's life. And you'd stay up on what promotes health, talking to others who care about what you care about, reading articles and books.

So it is with spiritual health. Our health - bodily and spiritually - depends on the decisions we make, which become habits. What are the habits parents should develop with their kids to promote a spiritually healthy family, and what's just a waste of time? How do we distinguish between spiritual growth and moral development? How do we get kids to want the things we want them to? In short, how do we nurture their hearts?

These questions are what we'll begin to tackle on Wednesday night at FallLaunch, a program which will be repeated in identical form on Sunday, September 19. We're buying dinner (lunch for the 19th) and we'll even care for your kids.

Everyone's time is limited. Let's spend it focusing on questions that matter, which ultimately are not "Which game should we play in class Sunday?" or "What's a new song the kids will like to sing?" The one that matters is, "Given the access and position a mom or dad holds, what can they do to really make a difference in nurturing faithful, faith-filled kids?"