It's Time to Talk

We must be the most over-communicated-to people in history. Remember the early days of the Internet, when "I've got e-mail" was spoken with awe? Now it's usually accompanied by a groan. Nearly every day, I'm checking three e-mail accounts, two voicemail accounts, and a text-to-email thing from Google - plus Facebook. I sometimes value vacations just because it means I'll have less information coming at me.

With no shortage of information, who decides what gets our attention? We do...sort of. But are we as in control as we think we are? I ask this today (Friday) as I've been evicted from my office because we're getting new carpeting. The phones are unplugged and I'm working in the hallway - and yet every time I hear another phone ring, my instinct is to drop what I'm doing and answer it.

In other words, there is a conditioning process that determines what gets our attention, so that over and above all the noise coming at us, there are some messages that have a way of getting noticed. That's why you can rest assured that when it comes to kids and the Internet, two types of messages are getting through: messages about friends (i.e., social networking) and messages about sex (because as the old advertising saying goes, "sex sells").

The best defense against this - sometimes the only defense - is a good offense. It's called a "filter". Filters can be external or internal. When it comes to kids and the Internet, we need to develop both. Filters work by recognizing threats and mounting defenses against them. When it comes to your standard Internet browser filter, that process is relatively automatic: certain words trigger the defense, and the block goes into place ("This page is unavailable"). The goal in developing your kid's internal filter is this: first to develop that as a conscious process, and then, for the conscious process to become unconscious.

In order for it to happen consciously, kids need to know there is a danger, and recognize the danger, and know why it's a danger. And then they need the skill of redirection - do I turn it off? Ignore it? Click away? Tell someone?

For instance, when a kid encounters a threatening or bullying message on Facebook, they have a choice: do I respond? And if so, how? When they receive an e-mail from a stranger, do they delete it? Report it? Do they label it as spam? Do they even know how to do that? What if they receive a strange link, in an e-mail with an intriguing or suggestive subject line? What's the right thing to do?

Can kids really do this? The answer is, they'd better! Because automated Internet filters will always be imperfect. They'll either shut out legitimate content, or they'll miss things they should catch. The only sure-fire method for blocking harmful Internet content is to not be on the Internet at all. And I don't know many families who are willing to go there! And would that even solve the problem? The Internet is in schools, in libraries...and on their friends' handheld devices.

So while I endorse the use of filtering software and technological restrictions by parents, I cannot recommend that your precautions end there. The "second line" needs to be developed, and that's the defense that resides inside of them. Think it's as simple as knowing "good" from "bad"? For a young child, that's probably enough. But as a kid's understanding of the world grows in sophistication, their understanding of how to fight needs to keep pace. Those elements, again, are knowing there is a danger, recognizing the danger, and knowing why a particular thing is a danger.

Danger to what? Danger to our ability to grow toward God-ordained maturity; danger to our ability to grow into real people. Real people understand who they are, who God is, the difference is between us and God, and consequently, our need for him. A warped view of sexuality, an unhealthy dependence on technology, and the inability to navigate problems in relationships all threaten our journey toward becoming real, healthy people. And all of these things can come from misuse of the Internet.

So, it's time to talk. We have some experts coming in to talk to you, so that you can in turn talk to your kids. "The Online Sexual Minefield: Keeping Your Kids Safe" is up first, next Wednesday night (Nov. 7) at 7 pm. Cory Anderson and Treina Nash, both licensed marriage and family therapists, bring back their helpful and informative presentation on your kids, sex, and the Internet. It's totally free of charge, we'll care for you 4th-6th grade kids (junior high and high school groups meet on-campus that night), and you'll walk away with a ton of information.

The second event will be the first Wednesday in December. On the 5th, we're hosting a training event on how to use "Passport to Purity," which is a kit put out by Family Life. The CDs and journals are meant to help parents construct a fun, meaningful weekend with their preteen and initiate all kinds of conversations about growing up. And it works! The night will be led by moms and dads who've used the material, who can guide you and encourage you on carrying on the program with your son or daughter. Pre-ordering the kits is optional, you can do that here. But, you are also welcome to just come to the night to see what it's all about, free of charge.

I'm glad for technology (obviously; I blog). But it's created a need for all of us to become just a little smarter than the tools we use. We want to make you aware, so you can help your kids be aware. And remember that constructing the filter is a process - it's not one conversation but many. The events November 7 and December 5 are meant to start you in the right direction.