Kids lack the relationships they need for many reasons, but first, the big picture: Why are relationships good and necessary? One reason is simply social development. We are social creatures and can’t develop in isolation. We can’t learn to communicate, work out conflicts, or work collaboratively all on our own. “But my kid has two parents. We’re enough.” If you and your spouse embody every imaginable personality type in the rest of the world, then yes. But of course, the world is filled with a variety of people, and exposure to those different types – the easy-to-get-along with and the not-so-easy – is an advantage. We need to learn how to get along.
But another reason is that there is a hole in us, an incompleteness, that was meant to be filled by relationships. God looked at Adam and said, “It is not good for man to be alone,” and he created Eve. Marital partnerships are an obvious model of the way two people compliment one another. But it’s not only in marriage that we experience this sense of completeness, and I would suggest that if a person hasn’t experienced the benefits of deep friendship as a child or teenager, they will struggle in forming the intimate relationships as a young adult that will lead to marriage. Why do I say that? Because one way or another, we are going to get that relationship need met. Unfortunately, there are counterfeit ways to try to meet the need for validation. People may turn to drugs, the Internet, overwork, overeating, or become depressed and withdrawn. The trouble is, these somewhat satisfy, but they keep people wanting.
So why do kids lack the relationships they should have? You can probably guess a few of the reasons right off:
- We’re really, really busy, and relationships take time to develop.
- Neighborhoods don’t work the way they used to. “Going to a friend’s house” has been replaced by arranged “play dates”.
- We’re more mobile, and that means kids are sometimes growing up far away from extended family. The absence of grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles and cousins really does make a difference, because who’s taking their place? (An iPad?)
- “Stranger Danger” scared the devil out of my generation, convincing us that anyone whose name we didn’t know could be (probably) an imminent threat to be avoided. And we’ve never fully recovered.
Let's focus on two sorts of relationships your kids need to grow up healthy and well. The first is peer relationships. Every parent wants their kid to get along well – not necessarily to be popular, but to be well-liked and have lots of friends. And it’s a special kind of pain to see your child struggle here, because there is so little you can do directly. (And sometimes, kids don't want you to. When one researcher asked a group of 7th graders what role parents should play in their social lives, a boy answered, "You parents should have no role in your social life.")
But I would suggest that the nature of friendship in the preteen years makes a shift, from revolving around things we do to revolving around who we are. When kids are very young, friendship shows itself in “parallel play” - each kid playing on his/her own, not really interacting with the other, but still considered “playing together”. As kids approach school age, they engage in more interactive, imaginative play (“house”, “school”, “store”, etc.). Play eventually evolves to hobbies and interests, and then, around 5th or 6th grade, friendship gets rooted in identity: I am friends with people who are like me. Middle school kids “hang out”, and their hanging out may be centered around an activity, but it’s really more about bonding with others who reflect who I see myself as. In so doing, I am affirmed that I belong, that “this is who I am.”
If your child struggles with friendships, let me encourage you to keep trying. (Remarkably, this article just came into my inbox this morning.) Get them involved in lots of things. The law of averages is on your side, that if they’re exposed to enough different kids, they’re going to find some they click with. They need this, because as kids move through adolescence, they begin to reach outside of the nuclear family to get their social & emotional needs met. You did it, and so did I. And it can be painful for parents. It creates stress on a family. But it is necessary. It is part of God’s design. You weren’t meant to be everything they need relationally, forever. Yet if they’re not practiced in relationships, they get caught in a bind – they sense their need, but can’t get it met. They’re vulnerable to the counterfeit substitutes mentioned above.
The second type of relationships your kid needs are called developmental relationships. These are relationships with someone older who cares and invests themselves in your kid. The Search Institute has identified four components of an adult-to-kid relationship that makes it “developmental” in nature:
- There is an emotional attachment between adult & kid, not just a transactional arrangement (where the relationship is based on the kid doing something or producing something – taking a test, checking out a book, buying something at the store).
- There is two-way influence. The adult seeks to influence the kid, but first, they are learning from them, and that helps shape the kind of guidance and influence that is offered. (This would be in contrast, say, to putting kids through a class or seminar on life skills, which is not entirely bad, but classes tend be static, while relationships are dynamic.)
- They become increasingly complex. It becomes deeper and more meaningful over time. People themselves change over time. If our involvement with someone doesn’t grow as they grow, we only have a surface relationship with them.
- There is a shifting balance of power. Kids gain more and more ownership and direction over their own lives within the context of our influence.
A study called the National Promises Study found that 33% of kids don’t have an adequate level of caring adults, even if you count the adults in their own families. It found only 18% of kids got the right mix (a “balanced diet”, if you will) of positive family support & communication balanced with boundaries and high parental expectations. Just 22% of the kids surveyed experienced both a caring school climate and high teacher expectations/school boundaries. And in relationships with adults in the community (non-school, non-parent), only 15% of the kids could be considered “rich” in the level of support they were getting from adults. (It was in a presentation on developmental relationships from Search that I first heard the phrase “rich in relationships”, and it really caught my attention; it’s where I got the idea of the "Making Kids R.I.C.H." acronym.)
If you think about it, our relationship with God resembles a developmental relationship. God is invested in us. He has affections for us. We are not just products in his eyes. He is personal, and relates to us personally. The longer we walk with God, the deeper we go with him. And there is an element of empowerment. God’s goal is that we be released – not to declare our independence and break free of him – but that we “grow up”, which is to say that our relationship with him gets to a point where it’s not just “Me & Jesus” but “Me & Jesus & the rest of the whole world”.
Here are some recommendations Search makes by way of ensuring that your child develops the developmental relationships they need:
- Be on top of the relationships your kid already has with teachers and coaches and evaluate: does this person like, respect, and treat my child fairly? If not, it may be a sign that this adult has more of a transactional relationship in mind than a developmental one. They may honestly feel that knowing your kid personally and caring is too much work or “not my job”.
- Notice whether your kid is pushed to achieve beyond where they are currently, by teachers and leaders of after-school activities. We don’t do kids any favors by not challenging them. (And, we don’t do them any favors when we push them too hard, which is also a sign of insensitivity.)
- Look for teachers who promote the love of learning and mastery of skills, not just high achievement and winning.
- Do you see energy and excitement in the people who work with your kids? That’s a sign that the relationship is developmentally significant.
- Ask other adults you respect and trust to watch our for, mentor, and spend time with your child.
“R” stands for making kids rich in “Relationships”.
“I” is for “Identity”. Read about that next week.
