Can we teach kids to disagree without being disagreeable?

Sometimes I think we're so passionate about kids "getting the truth" that we forget where that truth is supposed to go - not into a mental reservoir to be permanently stored, but to be passed on, again and again. As a result, kids take away from our teaching that we adults are extremely passionate about our Christian beliefs…and little else.

It is one thing to train up kids who profess to believe what their parents believe. It's another to have kids internalize those beliefs to the point that they can intelligently defend them. For the last three weeks we have been unpacking the theory of evolution in our 4th-6th grade class. In preparing to teach this, I know I've learned a lot. But have the kids?

In their book, "Why Nobody Learns Much of Anything in Church: And How to Fix It" (a must-read), Thom and Joanie Schultz suggest that people who teach in churches need to shift their focus from teaching to learning. It's another way of saying that in education, the student's experience - not the teacher's - is what matters. A well-taught lesson may be efficient, organized, visual, and even eloquently delivered, but in the end, it's all for nothing if a student didn't gain understanding.

Nowhere is this more true than when it comes to belief about subjects that set Christians apart from the rest of the world. Many non-Christians will grant some berth on certain articles of our faith: the existence of a historical Jesus, the possibility of miracles. But on the origin of the earth and animal species and human beings, Christians clearly hold a position that is not shared or understood and that plants them in the minority.

As a result, it's vital that we train kids to intelligently defend their beliefs - and this is not the same as teaching them to parrot back a bunch of words we've given them. Hearing kids say that evolution is "stupid" or "doesn't make any sense" may bring us momentary satisfaction ("Good, they don't believe it…"), but what effect does it have on someone who sincerely believes that animals evolved into other animals? The question we need to be asking our kids - and equipping them to answer - is why doesn't evolution make sense? "Evolution is stupid" or "because my pastor said so" or "I don't know, but I know some guy at church who really doesn't believe it" simply won't do. So, we have tried the last three weeks in class to present some clear, memorable object lessons illustrating the "holes" in evolutionary thought (ask your kid why evolution is like a brick wall).

But - the really important lesson comes this weekend, when we talk with them about how they'll respond to people who disagree. Just getting kids to possess the right information is only half the battle. The second task - and probably the harder one - is teaching them how to disagree and defend their beliefs in a way that is not confrontational or hostile, but helpful.

Let's face it: Christianity has an image problem. We've all known bulldog Christians who can shred non-believers with their apologetics. But the net effect is that they do damage to the
kingdom by playing into every negative stereotype of Christians as being narrow and argumentative. The question for us, as parents and educators, is what is the character of faith we are trying to develop? Being the salt of the earth and the light of the world is not just a matter of having the truth, but handling that truth in a way that edifies, rather than irritates or alienates, those who they share it with.

What does it look like to raise a young Christian who is bold enough to speak up when their faith is publicly questioned, even ridiculed, yet gentle enough to practice restraint and humbleness? That's a thin line to tread, and we can't train a lifetime habit in one weekend. But we can challenge them with the possibilities, encouraging them to listen, to respect, to suggest, and to question. Because at the moment they achieve an opening - with a skeptic who bends, a scoffer who's suddenly willing to listen, a cynic who softens - the student becomes a teacher, and their success at that time is the real measure of our effectiveness now.

We've Never Even Met

Get this: since the start of the school year, we have had about 400 different kids come through our doors. They have come from more than 40 different schools. On any given weekend, we see 130-160 of them. We are a big ministry trying to stay small.

With that many kids coming from that many schools and many of them not attending that often, do you think connectedness is an issue in our ministry? You bet.

And our Christmas party painted the best picture of that. When the kids gathered for the talent show, it was interesting to observe the size of the groups they sat in: a few clumps of sixes and sevens, which is great. But far too many twos and threes, even some kids sitting alone.

As a leader who has gotten to know many of these kids and their personalities, it pains me to see this, and sometimes puzzles me as to how to fix it. One thing we've done in our room is start the "Interest Wall" and the "School Wall". If you haven't seen these, please, come in on the weekend and take a look. The School Wall is a big map of where all the kids go to school; the Interest Wall is a place where they can post their photos according to their five favorite hobbies. Kids eagerly scan the walls each weekend to see themselves and others with like interests.

The other factor working against us is the reality that over commitment, other commitments, and split families stand in the way of regular church attendance: on any given weekend, about 50% of our kids were in church the previous weekend; the other half were not. What this means for us is that if we're going to achieve connectedness by the time they reach junior high, when social consciousness slips into high gear ("Who am I going to sit with?" "What if I don't know anybody there?" "I don't want to go to church - none of my friends go."), we have our work cut out for us.

So, helping kids build Christian friendships is a major focus of our ministry. But this anonymity is at work on another level, too. I've been with North Coast Calvary Chapel since November 2005 and I am still meeting parents for the first time. Part of this is due to the fact that I'm pulled nine different directions on Sunday mornings and don't really have a chance to talk unless I'm answering a question or addressing a problem. But more of it relates to the segmented nature of a large church. You ride together to church as a family, part ways when you reach church, and join up again when it's time to ride home. What happens in between isn't a shared experience, despite the fact that everyone was "at church". Our children's ministry mission statement speaks of assisting parents...but most of us have never even met! And I accept much of the responsibility for this - we really haven't reached out to you in a significant, intentional way.

That needs to change. For one thing, parents are often the best resource for other parents. Empathy is great medicine. We do harm when we put on the "happy family" face and by our silence unwittingly communicate that we aren't struggling in our families. I've met many great parents and often wished that we could have a forum for pooling the expertise and skills that are out there. We also have some families with real needs - single parent families, military families with a parent on deployment, families living away from extended family networks. And in our church body are the people who could meet those needs. But how do we bring these folks together?

The good thing - no, the great thing - about a large church is the variety and extent of people resources that are in our midst. The bad thing is that we can attend the same church for years and never know who each other are…because we've never even met.

The Gospel of Mark, featuring...your kids

Wow, am I excited about this new project. If giving someone a Bible is good, giving them a CD with your voice on it is GREAT!

A couple of months ago I learned about The Bible Experience, which is the New Testament being read by a group of distinguished black actors and actresses. Shortly after that I read about a ministry doing that with a bunch of kids...it didn't take me long to realize what a powerful outreach this could be. And then, a few weeks after that, I met a new volunteer who listened to the idea and said she couldn't wait to be involved with it.

The result is (or will be) the Gospel of Mark on CD, with most of the parts read by our 4th, 5th, and 6th graders. We'll have big parts and small parts - we hope lots of kids will get involved. The more kids we have read, the more times this will happen: "Hey, listen to this CD that I'm on..." and when it does, God's word is spread to someone who might never open a Bible.

We're doing "auditions" (in reality, there's no pressure, kids will just read a short passage into a tape recorder) this weekend and next, hoping to record in late February. If you want to ensure that your kid is involved, e-mail me and we'll make it happen.