Now that Paris Hilton has faded somewhat from the headlines, allow me to unceremoniously resurrect the issue so that I can draw your attention to a fascinating article that appeared in the Union-Tribune two weekends ago.
At first glance, the report is comforting: pre-teens, rather than idolizing Paris, largely frown on her antics and think she deserved to go to jail. But there's a deeper question behind that, which the article broached: if they now disapprove of Paris' bad behavior, will they continue to feel that way as they get older? The answer: not necessarily.
So what happens between the end of childhood innocence and the onset of full-fledged adolescence that causes a softening in moral convictions, if not a 180-degree shift? How do kids go from, "That's wrong" to "It's not my place to judge"?
From the article (also linked at right, titled "Out of the Mouths of Babes"): "The prevailing wisdom is that exposure to vast amounts of gossip...is leading America's impressionable 8-to-12-year-old girls into the gutter. But the reality is more complex.
"In interviews, tweens tend to be highly judgmental of the much-publicized antics, turning them into age-appropriate morality tales that would make their parents proud and bring comfort to those who fear the next generation will be made up of pantyless party girls known more for their DWIs than their GPAs."
But, the article goes on to note that child development experts aren't surprised by that at all. Pre-teens tend to think concretely (right is right and wrong is wrong and making me clear the table two nights in a row is NOT FAIR) and are, notes one expert quoted in the article, "really heavily under the influence of their parents." The turning point comes for many kids at age 12 or 13, when peer influence and the quest for cool supplant ethical instincts. As a result, kids who swore they'd never take drugs, dabble; those who condemned criminal behavior, shoplift; those who profess drunkeness to be a waste, consume. Or, as the editor of CosmoGirl magazine says, despite their attitudes when young, by the time they're in high school, "every kid is trying to have a Paris Hilton kind of night at their prom."
But the killer quote comes from a guy named David Walsh, founder of the National Institute on Media and the Family. Noting that kids today face an onslaught of adult influences, Walsh says they are nonetheless not emotionally equipped to deal with what they take in. "A kid can write a well-thought-out essay about why a behavior is not good, but that doesn't mean it's going to carry over into their behavior."
Walsh hits on something that's often ignored in the quest to "teach kids right from wrong". He is suggesting - and I agree - that there is more to a child and teenager's moral decision making than just recalling slogans or early convictions that were planted in them; rather, that their emotional development is a critical factor in being able to act and (not just) think morally. It's the reason why, for instance, Just Say No clubs and the DARE program and other such well-intentioned programs have such low success rates - not because they're not teaching valuable information, but because they assume that lack of information is at the bedrock of risky behaviors. (This further explains why "What were you thinking?" is seldom a useful question when confronting your child's poor moral choices: thinking isn't necessarily driving their behavior.) The other way to look at it is to acknowledge that in addition to being able to cognitively distinguish right from wrong, kids need to develop the skills and self-awareness - in other words, the emotional maturity - to execute good decisions.
I was one of those people who went into working with young people because I wanted to help them "make good choices". I have seen all kinds of schemes: parents offering gifts and money to kids who will keep themselves from drugs and alcohol; parents (and schools) who pay for grades; SADD contracts; anti-drug rallies; staged drunk driving crashes, usually presented the week before the prom; chastity rings; summer camps where kids swear off every vice known to man; graphic lectures on STDs; and on and on. These are sad enough. What's worse is the climate they create. When a student lapses, there is little left to dish out but guilt and shame: You know better! We trusted you! etc. etc.
What I know now, after 14 years, is that training up moral kids isn't as simple as getting them to make a solemn promise or repeat a mantra. It is starting from a point of realism, that these are unsophisticated kids grappling with a very sophisticated world, and then determining to come alongside them when they're pre-teens to outfit them with the tools they need to act according to a set of convictions. What are those tools? Certainly they would include things such as discernment, empathy, self-control & delayed gratification, other-awareness and centeredness (the world doesn't revolve around me), compassion, wisdom, grace, and autonomy - and more.
The subject of emotional intelligence has only been around for about 15 years, but it's not pop science and it's not psychobabble. Emotional Intelligence by Dr. Daniel Goleman is an excellent place to start, as is Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson (linked at right). We are emotional creatures as surely as we are physical and spiritual and intellectual, and emotional growth should be as highly valued as any other kind of growth, especially in light of how important those tools are in helping kids navigate the adult world they will soon inhabit.
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
