The Power of the Crowd

Something interesting happened a couple of weeks ago while I was in the company of two boys. We were waiting in a line when one whispered an inappropriate joke containing a four-letter word. He knew better, of course, than to let himself be heard by me, the authority figure, but what he didn't know was that his whisper wasn't quiet enough and I overheard the whole thing.

But before I could - or had to - react, his friend beat me to the punch. He simply turned to the boy and said, "No bad words."

And with those three words, he did more than I could have accomplished with any glare, any facial expression, any scolding or shame or lecture, even any well-meaning explanation of "why we don't use words like that." The offender accepted the correction, changed the subject, and went on with his dignity intact.

What is it about the power of a peer? Why can same-age influence often carry more weight than anything any adult has to say? It ought to be the other way around, right? We have the weight of experience. We know - sometimes from our own experience - why it's a bad idea to, say, light things on fire or ride your skateboard over railroad tracks or jump off the roof or eat too much candy or spend all your money or stay up all night. As adults, we are eager to pass on these lessons to the unwashed generation. Indeed, the hallmark of maturity is the realization that you are in a position, that you've lived enough life, to place you above the momentary passions and instincts that drive youth.

But somehow, kids would rather listen to each other. Peer approval and disapproval carries a lot of weight for a pre-teen. Kids 9-12 are constantly evaluating where they stand - Am I cool? Is it still ok to play with certain toys? Will they laugh at me if I answer wrong? - and this is a forerunner of the more intense identity crises they will enter as adolescents.

Much time is spent in middle teaching kids to battle the influence of peer pressure. But there's another side to the coin. Michael Gerson wrote about this in last week's Washington Post. Noting that self-identified evangelical teenagers tend to start having sex earlier than kids from mainline denominations, he goes on to point out that those teens who regularly attend church and are connected to the life of their religious communities do delay sexual activity (although not much: the average age for those kids is about 17).

Gerson isn't the first to observe that the lives of Christian teenagers really don't differ too much from those of non-belivers. Researcher George Barna has been documenting that reality for years. By almost any measure - age of first sexual experience, use of drugs and alcohol, moral reasoning - Christian teens are very much in line with their non-Christian friends.

What helps is the support of others who believe like you do. That seems like a pretty simple concept. But, it's more difficult for teenagers than it might seem, in part because they don't enjoy the same freedom of mobility - and therefore, freedom of association - that adults do. Most teens (and pre-teens, and kids) attend public schools, which brings them into contact with a range of personalities and belief systems. As adults, we often underestimate the amount of diversity in the world - or even in our own communities - because most of us deliberately choose to associate with folks who are pretty much just like us.

Which makes it all the more important that kids and teenagers have a set of friends who share their values. Notice I said "a set." I'm not one who happens to believe that Christian teens need to wall themselves off from the rest of the world. I think that leads to a dangerous shortsightedness and an in-group mentality. Kids should have friends from all sorts of backgrounds, and we should be training them in how to be influencers within their social groups (which, incidentally, is part of the theme of the book "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids," whose author is coming to speak at NCCC in late September. We're also offering a discussion group on that book this fall.)

But, teens - and everyone - also need a refuge from worldly influences. Indeed, the support of friends may be the key factor whenever a Christian teen doesn't abandon his beliefs or values. Or, as Gerson writes, "The facts also support a basic conservative belief: that it is difficult for teens to be moral alone...responsible behavior requires both "norms" and "networks." An intellectual belief in right and wrong is not sufficient. Teens require a community that supports their good choices, especially in times of testing and personal crisis."

One of the goals of the 4th-6th grade ministry is to help kids form solid Christian friendships before they enter 7th grade. Our new midweek program will shift to a heavy small group focus this fall, with that very goal in mind. It's our hope that we can draw these kids - from more than 60 elementary and middle schools - together, to bridge the "islands" that are so common in our ministry, and to help develop some relationships that will aid these kids once they reach adolescence.

Parents can't pick their kids' friends. But they can do a lot to influence who they are exposed to (namely, the power of providing a ride and the power of keeping the calendar). Parents can and should ensure that in their child's spiritual toolbox is a group of supportive Christian friends. Christians were never intended to live in isolation. We cheat our kids when we give them Biblical knowledge and teach them what God requires of them, but then don't surround them with the community that will help them sustain those convictions and choices.

The Survey Says...

This week I am happy to share with you the results of a "snapshot" survey we took in our class the third weekend in June. This is only a "snapshot" because the methods were by no means scientific. But they do give us a glance at the spiritual lives of 115 5th and 6th graders on one particular weekend.

We collected surveys from 49 boys and 66 girls.

Q: If your parents talked with you about God, would it be:
5 - Strange and unusual - my parents and I don't talk much about God
1 - Weird but not unusual - my parents talk about God but I don't like it
19 - Unusual but not weird - They don't talk with me about God, but I wouldn't mind
89 - Normal and not weird at all - my family often talks about God

Q: When I talk to my parents about a problem,
17 - They usually take care of it for me
88 - They usually talk to me about what I can do to solve the problem
4 - They usually don't listen or offer any advice

Q: How easy would it be for you to invite a friend to church?
43 - Pretty easy - I do it a lot
54 - Easy, but I don't invite anyone
6 - I wouldn't invite someone because I don't think they'd have a good time
7 - I'd be embarrased to invite someone to church

Q: If someone asked you what it means to be a Christian, how easily could you answer their question?
62 - No problem, and I could show them places in the Bible that proved what I was saying
30 - I could do it, but I couldn't use the Bible
17 - I really wouldn't know what to say

Q: How easy would it be to bring up God in a conversation with your friends?
5 - I would never do that
41 - I could try, but my friends wouldn't be interested
60 - They would talk about it and it wouldn't be weird

Q: Do you know another adult besides your parents who you feel helps you as a Christian and who you can trust?
100 - Yes
7 - No

Q: When your parents say, "Time for church," do you usually think
54 - Yeah! Can't wait to go
49 - It's ok, I don't mind
6 - I'd rather stay home

Q: I think the 4th-6th grade room is
52 - Mostly a friendly place and I don't worry about not knowing anyone
52 - Mostly a friendly place, but I don't know too many people there
3 - Mostly an unfriendly place and I worry there won't be anyone to talk to

Q: When someone is getting picked on, are you usually
69 - Away from it
3 - Leading it
7 - Not leading it, but joining in on it
20 - The one getting picked on

Q: How many kids at this church would you say you know, as in, you recognize them and know their name and would talk to them at church?
4 - I know no one
6 - I know one kid
10 - Know two kids
11 - Know three kids
12 - Know four kids
14 - Know five kids
5 - Know xix kids
6 - Know seven kids
32 - Know more than seven kids

Q: How many kids at this church would you say you are close friends with - not only would you hang out with them at church, but you would call them and invite them over to your house or to do something?
21 - No one
19 - One kid I would consider my friend
20 - Two kids I would consider my friends
17 - Three kids
6 - Four kids
8 - Five kids
1 - Six kids
2 - Seven kids
5 - More than seven kids

Q: When do you normally pray? (Kids could indicate more than one answer)
34 - In the morning
33 - At school
75 - Before I go to bed
70 - At family meals
77 - Whenever I need God's help
40 - With my parents
25 - Some other time (various answers)

'Til I saw it with my own eyes

If seeing is believing, then there's an element of faithlessness in needing to see...but I'm sure glad I did make the trip out to Campus by the Sea on Catalina Island this week, site of our upcoming summer camp.

And I'm happy to share some video from the day with you. (CLICK HERE TO WATCH) This is must-see - not because of the production value, but because Campus by the Sea really is what everyone said it was - a memorable point of encounter with God.


I love California - don't get me wrong - but other than when I'm at the beach, I don't feel the pull of nature like I did growing up in North Dakota. In fact, I have to try hard to block out civilization here in order to get the sense of what's natural here. There isn't enough green grass for me. From my office I can hear traffic on the 5 always. Palm trees used to enchant me; now I hardly notice.

But get me in a secluded spot and the contrasts between that and the ever-noisier and congested world I inhabit are stark. I become small, God becomes big; worries fade and appreciation grows.

Tuesday, I was there.

Your kid needs to be there, too.

When we dreamed up the idea of our own summer camp this spring, I took it on good authority that Campus by the Sea on Catalina Island was a cool place. I liked the idea of being near water; summertime heat makes kids cranky. I worried there might not be enough for kids to do, or that the camp - lacking as it does electricity in the cabins - would be too rustic or simple for our sophisticated kids.

My worries have been put to rest.

Please, view the video and enjoy some scenes from Catalina. (A picture is worth a thousand words? Indeed. After we aired this footage Sunday morning we had a surge of interest in camp - after only talking about it for a couple of months.) Then, let's get your kid to summer camp.

I have great memories of the summer camp I attended growing up, on Red Willow Lake. It was there that I first met college-aged Christians, my counselors - they were so cool, and I wanted to be like them! I spent the longest away from my mom and dad I ever had up to that point - and made it through ok. I actually read the Bible for the first time. I met kids I would continue to encounter at regional and statewide church events through high school. In that way, it was my first sense that the world was actually bigger than the town of 7,000 I grew up in.

I can tell you every cabin I was in and every bunk I slept in and who my counselors were each of the four years I went. I can tell you the best year and the worst year (when I got strepthroat and had to sit out two whole days) and how sad I was to leave in 5th grade (I cried). I can still sing almost all of the songs we learned at chapel and campfire - some of them I've brought into the 4th-6th grade room here, 20 years later.

I guess what I'm saying is that summer camp is a unique, almost once-in-a-lifetime experience. There's a window: after 9th grade I was too busy with sports camps and jobs to consider giving up a whole week of my summer. But in late elementary school, camp was it. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

We have many, many open spots remaining for our camp and a great plan for the three days we'll be there. The camp theme will be "Flood of Grace" and ties into part of the camp's history: it was nearly destroyed and abandoned in 1979 after a huge amount of rainwater came down out of the mountains and washed entire buildings away. The camp rebuilt smarter, including a channel to divert mountain runoff away from the structures, into the sea. Facing a God whose will it is to flood us with his grace, what channels have we constructed to keep the "old us" intact and untouched, unable to be swept away? When God touches every part of a 10-year-old's life...what does that look like?

We have a dedicated volunteer team that is eager to spend the weekend of August 10-12 building into your child. If finances are an issue, please call me. We don't have a ton of scholarship money, but we have an opportunity to fundraise at the church the weekend before camp.

I was filled with the assurance after my trip last Tuesday that no one who makes this trip will regret it. Hope to see you at camp.

What I learned at the gym

After five years away, I have rejoined a gym. I used to exercise regularly, but busyness and laziness overtook my self-motivation. I went in for my orientation this week, which was part of the start-up package. I came away understanding that exercise is truly a science. Who knew that a computer could calculate my cardio fitness level as I lay flat on my back for three minutes? Moreover, the trainer's advice shed light on the fact that there are many ways to work out, but not all are profitable. And in that, I saw an analogy to training up kids.

Weight lifting used to be all about gaining bulk and strength. Weight trainers were musclemen - wimps need not apply. But as the public turned on to exercise, gyms became "fitness centers" and cardio machines replaced weight benches. Now, most of the public works out to "get in shape". But they aren't all succeeding. Why?

The answer has to do with what the trainer shared with me. A healthy body has a lot to do with body composition. Everyone, regardless of their weight, has a certain amount of lean muscle tissue and a certain amount of fat. The goal of a 30 minutes on the treadmill is not just to burn calories but to burn fat, which in turn is dependent on exercising at a target heart rate. The trainer said he's seen people work out for months and end up with the same body they started with; they lost some sweat, breath, and pounds, but their body makeup remained unchanged. In other words, progress isn't just a matter of losing weight, it's a process of transforming your own makeup - exchanging fat tissue for lean. Working out "wrong" will at worst lead to injury but at best lead to an unchanged body - time and money basically wasted.

Another friend of mine, who is also a personal trainer, says most people aren't interested in doing what it takes to actually be in shape, they just want to look in shape - a flatter stomach, firmer thighs, bigger arms, and so on. He's trying to teach them to work out for fitness and they want to work out for looks. One serves health; the other, vanity.

Here, then, is the question for churches in their work with kids: is the net effect of our programming - our teaching, our events, our modeling - bringing kids into a transformational relationship with their Lord; or, is it a great religious exercise that delivers some fruit and coaxes right answers, but little more? Are we leading them towards being re-made, or are we just extracting sweat and effort?

What is the goal - outward conformity or inner transformation? Are we content just to have kids mouth simple truths, or are we in the much harder business of molding their character?

The latter takes time, and patience with who they are now, not just a fixation on what we wish they were. It also requires the willingness to let them stumble, even fail - because growth, after all, is largely a process of recovering from our missteps. The opposite tack that so many churches have adopted is to manage kids into exhibiting a narrow set of behaviors we've chosen for them, and producing these by coercion or manipulation (prizes, payments, grades). I would question whether this is the proper job of a parent. It certainly is not the job of the church.

But we, the church, are at fault for assuming that role - Sunday School as Charm School - and the expectations that accompany it. A certain look is now expected of us - that at all times and in all things children will be quiet, mannerly "young men and women". We've become valued as a tool of socialization - we raise kids who don't rock the boat - instead of as the incubator of change agents. When was the last time our churches challenged kids to be bold, to be visionary, to assert themselves in righting wrongs, to fight injustice? Instead, we are valued as places of safety, happiness, and conformity. Was this Christ's mandate?

Zach Hunter is a spokesman for The Amazing Change, a movement to abolish slavery worldwide. He wrote a book called "Be the Change" and was instrumental in Amazing Grace Sunday, a day devoted to raising the issue in churches (in conjunction with the release of the movie Amazing Grace earlier this year). Inspired by Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, and William Wilberforce, he speaks to "his generation" - teens and 20-somethings - about ending slavery during their lifetimes. He, by the way, is 15. His "Loose Change to Loosen Chains" project raised more than $8,500 at his Christian school in Virginia. That's when he was 12.

We are able to determine someone's body composition; what would we see if we could tell a child's heart composition? Is there a passion in there for the poor, for outcasts, for sinners, for justice - for anything beyond PlayStation and the next big movie-of-the-summer? Are the kids who graduate our church programs really any different from well-behaved non-Christian kids? If all we turn out are strivers with pleasant manners, how will we convince them (or anyone) down the road that Christ makes any difference in a life at all - or that he is himself worth living for?