Something interesting happened a couple of weeks ago while I was in the company of two boys. We were waiting in a line when one whispered an inappropriate joke containing a four-letter word. He knew better, of course, than to let himself be heard by me, the authority figure, but what he didn't know was that his whisper wasn't quiet enough and I overheard the whole thing.
But before I could - or had to - react, his friend beat me to the punch. He simply turned to the boy and said, "No bad words."
And with those three words, he did more than I could have accomplished with any glare, any facial expression, any scolding or shame or lecture, even any well-meaning explanation of "why we don't use words like that." The offender accepted the correction, changed the subject, and went on with his dignity intact.
What is it about the power of a peer? Why can same-age influence often carry more weight than anything any adult has to say? It ought to be the other way around, right? We have the weight of experience. We know - sometimes from our own experience - why it's a bad idea to, say, light things on fire or ride your skateboard over railroad tracks or jump off the roof or eat too much candy or spend all your money or stay up all night. As adults, we are eager to pass on these lessons to the unwashed generation. Indeed, the hallmark of maturity is the realization that you are in a position, that you've lived enough life, to place you above the momentary passions and instincts that drive youth.
But somehow, kids would rather listen to each other. Peer approval and disapproval carries a lot of weight for a pre-teen. Kids 9-12 are constantly evaluating where they stand - Am I cool? Is it still ok to play with certain toys? Will they laugh at me if I answer wrong? - and this is a forerunner of the more intense identity crises they will enter as adolescents.
Much time is spent in middle teaching kids to battle the influence of peer pressure. But there's another side to the coin. Michael Gerson wrote about this in last week's Washington Post. Noting that self-identified evangelical teenagers tend to start having sex earlier than kids from mainline denominations, he goes on to point out that those teens who regularly attend church and are connected to the life of their religious communities do delay sexual activity (although not much: the average age for those kids is about 17).
Gerson isn't the first to observe that the lives of Christian teenagers really don't differ too much from those of non-belivers. Researcher George Barna has been documenting that reality for years. By almost any measure - age of first sexual experience, use of drugs and alcohol, moral reasoning - Christian teens are very much in line with their non-Christian friends.
What helps is the support of others who believe like you do. That seems like a pretty simple concept. But, it's more difficult for teenagers than it might seem, in part because they don't enjoy the same freedom of mobility - and therefore, freedom of association - that adults do. Most teens (and pre-teens, and kids) attend public schools, which brings them into contact with a range of personalities and belief systems. As adults, we often underestimate the amount of diversity in the world - or even in our own communities - because most of us deliberately choose to associate with folks who are pretty much just like us.
Which makes it all the more important that kids and teenagers have a set of friends who share their values. Notice I said "a set." I'm not one who happens to believe that Christian teens need to wall themselves off from the rest of the world. I think that leads to a dangerous shortsightedness and an in-group mentality. Kids should have friends from all sorts of backgrounds, and we should be training them in how to be influencers within their social groups (which, incidentally, is part of the theme of the book "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids," whose author is coming to speak at NCCC in late September. We're also offering a discussion group on that book this fall.)
But, teens - and everyone - also need a refuge from worldly influences. Indeed, the support of friends may be the key factor whenever a Christian teen doesn't abandon his beliefs or values. Or, as Gerson writes, "The facts also support a basic conservative belief: that it is difficult for teens to be moral alone...responsible behavior requires both "norms" and "networks." An intellectual belief in right and wrong is not sufficient. Teens require a community that supports their good choices, especially in times of testing and personal crisis."
One of the goals of the 4th-6th grade ministry is to help kids form solid Christian friendships before they enter 7th grade. Our new midweek program will shift to a heavy small group focus this fall, with that very goal in mind. It's our hope that we can draw these kids - from more than 60 elementary and middle schools - together, to bridge the "islands" that are so common in our ministry, and to help develop some relationships that will aid these kids once they reach adolescence.
Parents can't pick their kids' friends. But they can do a lot to influence who they are exposed to (namely, the power of providing a ride and the power of keeping the calendar). Parents can and should ensure that in their child's spiritual toolbox is a group of supportive Christian friends. Christians were never intended to live in isolation. We cheat our kids when we give them Biblical knowledge and teach them what God requires of them, but then don't surround them with the community that will help them sustain those convictions and choices.
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
