Another Giant Leap: From Church Buddies to Christian Friends

At the close of the 1986 movie "Stand by Me", Richard Dreyfuss, portraying the novelist and narrator, writes, "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve....does anyone?" As I watched that movie again this weekend I was struck by that line, a poignant testament to the great significance shared friendship experiences can have on who we become.

I've been thinking about friends recently in the context of church and how most of us adults come and go every week, recognizing many faces but actually knowing and being known by few. If authenticity and community are goals in the church body, we might ask how we're doing at helping kids make the giant leap from church buddies to Christian friends?

About a month ago I reported in this space on a survey we'd done in our class among our 5th and 6th graders. We asked "How many kids at this church would you say you know, as in, you recognize them and know their name and would talk to them at church?" Four said no one, six reported one person, and the numbers were pretty evenly distributed from there:
10 - I know two kids
11 - I know three kids
12 - Know four kids
14 - Know five kids
5 - Know six kids
6 - Know seven kids
32 - Know more than seven kids

That last number is surprising - but encouraging. It means kids are beginning to recognize one another and affiliate with each other - a huge step in a ministry with more than 60 schools represented.

Then we asked, "How many kids at this church would you say you are close friends with - not only would you hang out with them at church, but you would call them and invite them over to your house or to do something?"
This time, 21 said no one, 19 responded "one", 20 answered "two", and 17 reported having three people they considered friends. The rest of the choices garnered a handful of responses:
6 - Four kids at church I would consider my friend
8 - Five kids
1 - Six kids
2 - Seven kids
5 - More than seven kids

Childhood friendships are a curious thing. Different in character and intensity than adult friendships, they nonetheless can be surprisingly enduring. Kids naturally seek friendship - we all do - and adults who withdraw and isolate usually do so after attempts at friendship have resulted in hurt or rejection. Because of this, friends are naturally in on a lot of "firsts" - first sleepover, first new bike, first days of school, first crush, first heartbreak, first grounding. They also expand our world. Through them we get a window into how another family operates (and which of us didn't at one time wish so-and-so's parent was our parent?). We meet their friends, we try their hobbies, we travel with them. When I was in second grade I got to visit the state capitol where my friend's grandpa was a legislator, an experience I never would have otherwise had.

But, kid friendships are also fragile. As any parent knows, "best" friendships can turn over frequently, sometimes due to reasons that are mysterious or trivial. For boys especially, friends are people you do things with, and so friendships revolve around common activity. Kids who play on the same soccer team or like the same video game or go to the same camp can become close friends - as long as the environment is maintained. Take away the activity - the season ends, tastes change - and kids move on.

I would suggest that two important elements in forming and maintaining friendships at this age are regularity of contact and the significance of shared experience. That is to say, kids attach easily to those they regularly encounter - and, by contrast, drift away from those whose paths don't often cross theirs. Kids won't always make the extra effort - even if it's small - to stay in touch or maintain old friendships. That's why a pair of kids who are nearly inseparable in 4th grade may stop considering themselves friends in 5th grade when they find themselves in different classrooms. To an adult, this wouldn't be a friendship-ending event; the solution is obvious: keep the relationship going on the weekends or after school. But a kid will accept this separation as somewhat natural - "she's in a different class this year" - and resolve herself to nurture the relationships she does have going forward. There isn't any ill feeling involved - the kids haven't become enemies - they just aren't friends like they used to be because the common experience is lost.

As for the significance of the experience, what they've done with someone becomes central to that other person's identity. Listen to how kids describe others they know and would consider friends: "We ride bike together", "We went mini-golfing", "His dad took us out on his boat", "We went to Six Flags with each other". You might ask, is this really friendship? If there are no emotional ties deeper than a positive memory about a singular experience, what kind of friendship is that? And the answer is, it's not friendship in the adult sense, which can be nurtured by a half-hour conversation over coffee. Adults are content to be together, while kids want to do together. Take note the next time families get together for dinner: the table time, with meal, desert, coffee, and conversation is cherished by the adults; the kids can't wait to go play.

As this relates to church life, I think we should do everything we can to help kids develop lasting Christian friendships, with the understanding that at this age, friendships revolve around shared experiences. The things you and I might associate with close friendship - honesty, sharing, transparency, accountability, empathy - may not develop in earnest until kids have reached junior or senior high. Because "being friends" is built around shared experience, we've built a lot of events into the calendar this year - about one a month, in addition to weekend and midweek programs.

But what happens at church is only the launching pad. We don't have the time nor can we offer the variety of experiences to cement those relationships. Without the cement of regular contact and significant shared experiences, kids remain only church buddies. They need to be in each other's homes, at each other's birthday parties, meeting each other's parents, having special days on the other's turf, for real friendship to take root.

I'll never forget the how disappointed I was around age 12 when I realized that one of my best friends and I liked different sports. Heading into junior high, I knew that meant our friendship was endangered. And I was right. Different sports meant different crowds. But, I also remember the satisfaction at reconnecting with this friend years later when we were both mature enough to sustain a friendship at a level above "doing the same things together". That's the kind of friendship you grow into. We'd do well to surround kids with lots of Church buddies now so that friendships can blossom when they're ready for that.