What does it take to raise kids who love God and remain in love with him the rest of their lives?
That is the question we as Christian educators and parents need to keep returning to, and it's the question I set out to answer last Spring. Lacking an overall vision, our programming and parenting can just be a series of reactive enterprises - responding to this crisis, counteracting this trend, repairing that breach. It contributes to the disgraceful statistic that around 70% of active churchgoing teenagers walks away from the church once they reach college. So I began asking questions: when a student is able to defy the statistic and maintain a vital spiritual life beyond high school - why? What are the factors at work? And equally as important, when students fail to keep their faith - why not?
I'll admit that even addressing a question like this reflects a bias towards ministry. Can God accomplish anything? Yes, but he has given us the charge to minister, the "ministry of reconciliation", as 2 Corinthians 5 puts it. He wants to share the work with us. To believe that ministry and the efforts of the local church matter isn't unfaithful. Knowing what God wants you to do and not doing it - that's unfaithful. We should absolutely work, as I wrote a few weeks ago, to give our kids every spiritual advantage.
My unscientific sample was kids I'd worked with over the last 14 years, in ministry contexts and non-ministry contexts, as well as the kids I now work with in 4th-6th grade. What is it about kids who are spiritually strong? What do they have in their lives that has pushed and is pushing them toward the path that leads to Christ, and ultimately to their salvation and transformation? And among kids who were raised in the church but have faltered in their faith, what went wrong?
When I began to answer this question, I started in the wrong place. I first tried to depict what a transformed child looks like - what do they know, what do they say, what do they do - in short, how does a truly transformed child live out his or her faith? But as I mulled that over I realized it was the wrong question, because there is no one answer. Focusing on behaviors is a tricky thing, and a trap that can produce kids who are empty shells with pleasing exteriors and rotten or vacant interiors. (See my post last week on Tim Smith's book, "The Danger of Raising Nice Kids.") It simply becomes too easy, and too tempting, to try to engineer the end product by whatever means (usually rewards and punishments) and lose sight of the more important question, which is, what is this kid made of? What is the fabric of his being? Apart from her present context, what does she really believe, and how will her behavior conform because of it?
The truth is, the way Christianity gets lived out is as different and individualized as the people who adhere to the faith. One person is comfortable evangelizing to total strangers; another wouldn't think of it, but is skilled at forging the relational context (the pre-evangelism) needed to loosen the soil so that the message can later be received. One person loves to sing worship songs; another can't wait for the music to stop, but is first in line when it comes to volunteering. Some are artists, some intellectuals, others athletes, still others business-saavy. God never promises nor intends salvation to be a personality transplant. We remain who we are, fearfully and wonderfully made, and Christ is invited in to transform on his timetable and on his terms: "for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" (Philippians 2:13).
The one common element in those who are being transformed is that they have received Christ into their lives by faith. Yet faith is an intangible - I can only recognize its presence by the outward expressions, or fruit. So if we only are focused on the end product, we're stuck. Instead, we might ask what it is about kids who are evidently saved - who've professed Christ and whose lives demonstrate the handprint of transformation - what got them there? What common factors incline a young person toward the heart of God? What can we do to place kids in the position to be influenced for Christ, that they might become influencers for Christ?
Over the next nine weeks I'll be detailing here what I believe are nine factors a parent can build into their child's life to help them thrive spiritually. This is a synopsis of the presentation I gave on September 13. Are there only nine factors? No, there may be 99, or 909. My intent was not to develop a formula or recipe for engineering a young Christian. Rather, I want to give you a practical way to evaluate the spiritual advantages your child does or does not possess. These nine factors have also become a guide for me in ministry, some tangible "sub goals" we can partner with families on in pursuit of the real goal.
One note: the tendency of many youth ministries has been to identify one or two critical factors and seize on those at the expense of others: Christian kids should only date other Christians; they can't drink or smoke; they need to be in a small group; they must remain morally pure; they need to commit entire books (usually New Testament letters) to memory; they need to become skilled in apologetics; and so on. What often happens is that in a well-meaning attempt to guard kids against faith derailment, attaining the critical factor itself becomes the goal. Any youth pastor can tell you about kids who've made it through 12th grade and not only have they not been sexually active, but they haven't done much of anything else, either. They've avoided the "bad stuff", but there's no passion for Christ, no hunger for the word, no desire to give themselves away. They're content with morality and have passed the test, but they're far from exhibiting transformation. Is this what we want?
The nine factors I'll share with you aren't that kind of checklist. That's defensive Christianity, and it's full of law. I've deliberately tried to write the nine items in constructive language, and to offer parents a question or two that will help them evaluate whether their child possesses that advantage, and some tips on how they might build that into their child's life.
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
