A fifth quality shared by kids who are strong in their faith through high school and beyond is one that seems so obvious, it's a wonder we miss it. Put simply, these kids own their faith. They're not living a borrowed faith or following blindly or out of obligation. They follow Jesus because they choose to. And exercising choice is a defining quality of their lives.
These kids are parented in such a way that they have a reasonable amount of control over decision making in their own lives. Their parents see their job as equipping their child to more and more assume responsibility for themselves - and to bear the consequences of bad decisions. The arrival of adulthood isn't jarring to either the kids or parents, because the transition has been years in the making. By the time this kid leaves high school, he or she is trained to be an adult.
Why does this matter? Let me come at it from three angles. First, if we are wanting kids to make the most significant decision that will change their lives - the decision for Christ - how can we expect them to do that if they have no practice or experience making decisions for themselves in other areas of their lives?
A second way of looking at it comes from a conversation I had with two high school sophomores a couple of years ago. One of the boys remarked, "I think becoming a Christian is one decision for Jesus, but living like a Christian is a million decisions for Jesus." Well put. When a kid's life is managed in such a way that their life isn't really theirs, how will they able to continue to answer the call of Christ to deny themselves? Christian living requires a continuous commitment of the will, which is nearly impossible for kids who are never otherwise allowed to exercise their will.
The third argument is that making good decisions is developed by practice. Think back to some of the worst decisions you've ever made. Did you deliberately ignore advice to the contrary, ignorant of right and wrong, or did you lack the foresight to evaluate the consequences of your actions? This is an essential component of learning from your mistakes - that there will be mistakes, but that with practice in making choices, a person gets better at making smart ones.
Possessing the skills to appropriately manage one's own life is what John Townsend and Henry Cloud call "functional self-sufficiency". It is marked by gradually greater degrees of autonomy as one learns to manage life for themselves . Obviously no one expects a baby to feed itself, or a toddler to prepare meals, or a kindergartener to enroll herself in school. But (hopefully) easily as obvious, there is an age beyond which "doing for" a child is no longer appropriate. The skill in parenting lies in offering appropriate support at appropriate times, knowing when to assert yourself on your child's behalf and when to let them fight their own battles.
This is a balancing act. Helping with homework is great - we want our kids to know when they're in over their heads, to ask for help. Doing your kid's science-fair project goes too far. What about all the gray in between? Should parents correct their child's homework, making them re-do it until it's exactly right? Should they drill with them before tests? Up until what age? Should they edit writing? How many times? Apart from the ethical question of parents doing homework is the strategic one: are kids well-served by not having to work through it themselves?
And schoolwork is only one example. When should a parent intervene in a friendship dispute and when should they let kids resolve it themselves, however imperfectly? Is it a parent's job to confront when the personality of their child and the teacher don't mesh? Should they approach the coach about playing time? Again, the answer depends much on the age of the child. Understand that the argument for letting kids develop functional self-sufficiency is not an argument for hands-off parenting, which is walking away from parental responsibilities. It is a call to reconsider the goal of parenting: is it to manage kids' lives, keeping them happy and out of trouble (a series of short-term objectives), or is it to prepare them over the long term to be well-adjusted, functional adults?
Parents are delighted when an infant learns to sit up or roll over. They're bemused when a two-year-old starts to insist on "doing it self!" This leads to parent-child tension once it becomes apparent that a toddler's desire for independence trumps their sense of time and urgency. As kids get older, their desire for autonomy can seem threatening - the obsession with privacy, the desire to challenge rules, the preference to spend time at friends' houses, the wish to have a car and get a job. Yet those desires are also the engine that drives kids on toward adulthood (come on, you really don't want them living at home when they're 30, right?) and as such, each presents a teaching opportunity. Each time a child successfully navigates a new challenge (I can do it myself!) they grow in maturity. And as shepherds interested in their spiritual welfare, eager to see them claim the promises of scripture for themselves, we should want that.
Factor #5: Functional Self-Sufficiency
Key Question: Are my parenting practices helping my child develop independence and the ability to make good decisions?
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Nine Things Your Child Needs to Thrive Spiritually, part four: Emotional and Developmental Health
Some other pastors and I had an interesting discussion last week. At issue was how early in our teaching it is reasonable to expect kids to connect belief to action. For example, it's generally conceded that a very young child might be taught to say that hitting is wrong, but that won't stop them from acting impulsively when hitting or shoving seems to be to their advantage.
So, then, a question: if we recognize that natural development plays a role in dictating moral capacity - if we allow that very young children can't be held to the same standards as older children - wouldn't it stand to reason that lack of emotional development could be a hindrance to spiritual growth our whole lives?
A few years ago when I was at a church on the East Coast, a colleague there suggested to me that teenagers couldn't be fully devoted followers of Christ, by which he meant that they couldn't realize full spiritual maturity, because they hadn't lived enough life yet. At the time, I chafed at his assertion. But more and more, I appreciate it. He wasn't knocking teenagers or their ability to keep commitments or the sincerity of their devotion. Rather, what he was saying was that teenagers have not been tested, and therefore not been refined, in the ways that adults have, and their spiritual development was limited because of that.
We have fooled ourselves into believing that everyone grows up eventually. Outward appearances cause us to assume that every adult is a grown up, secure and confident and equipped to handle life the way a grown up should. And yes, as people age, they become more aware of the social cues and norms that say you shouldn't put your fist through a wall or ram someone with your car or have verbal fights in public or throw tantrums to get your way. And yet, most of us can recount instances where we've seen adults - grown-ups - behave in those very ways, because their emotions were too strong and they didn't know how else to channel it. The truth is that there's no emotional pituitary gland. People are either taught how to mature emotionally, and they do, or they aren't, and they don't.
A tragic reality of our times is that nutrition and child health have improved to the point that some girls are beginning puberty as early as 3rd grade, and boys as early as 5th grade, yet we know that the brain's impulse control center and judgment ability isn't fully formed until age 20! The result is an extended adolescence, truly a transition period of life, in which kids live in adult-like bodies but still think and act like children. This is the "Age of Opportunity" that Paul Tripp writes about. Yet, too many parents dread it and shrink from it. Why? I think the physical development of teenagers and the package that comes with it - the attitudes, the moods, the resistance, the obsession with vanity, the secrecy - scares a lot of parents. They're convinced that their child inhabits a world with a "Parents keep out!" sign on the door. At a time when they are needed most, they back away, afraid of asserting themselves for fear of alienating their child more, all the while wondering what happened to the loving, loyal little boy or girl they used to know? The price of this is that the emotional nurturance - one might call it the parenting - that kids need doesn't happen.
OK, we can agree that emotional and developmental health is important for kids, but what does it have to do with spiritual development? The answer is, plenty. First of all, we tend to filter our relationship with God through the lens of our own human relationships. The classic example is that of a person for whom the word "father" carries a negative association, perhaps because of abuse, abandonment, or separation. How does this person make sense of the concept of God as a Father, the love of the Father, the Father's forgiveness, and so on? Or, what about someone who was raised by parents who said, "I forgive you", but never really meant it - grudges were the relational bargaining chip in the family? How convinced will they be by the words of Psalm 103 - "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
Furthermore, the Bible calls us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds - "to become what we already are." Yet, in the "Already-Not Yet" state that is the Christian life, the "old man" stays with us - the old habits, the old thoughts, the old attitudes, the old hurts. How, exactly, this old self is "reckoned dead" is a complicated question with no clear answer. However - and this is my opinion - I do not believe the death of the old self is an automatic consequence of one's salvation. Some do believe that: if the sinful self that dogs you persists or manifests itself after you've received the Holy Spirit, your salvation is in question. I respectfully disagree. Nor do I believe that persistent growth issues - anger, lust, depression, anxiety, addiction - are necessarily the result of a spiritual problem. Henry Cloud writes in his excellent book How People Grow about many sincere Christians he has worked with who, despite spiritual rigor and discipline, still hit ceilings in their personal growth. In those cases, emotional issues held back spiritual development, not the other way around.
No, we are not paralyzed by our past experiences, but we are certainly shaped and limited by them, which is why the movement toward small groups in the American church is more than a fad, it's a very healthy change. When a group commits to "do life" together, people discover how to relate to one another and how to relate to God. Old hang-ups, hurts, emotional roadblocks, and unhealthy patterns are unearthed and dealt with. The New Testament letters, from which we derive almost all of our theology on spiritual growth, were written to groups and read out loud - hence the frequent references to "one another": confess your sins to one another, love one another, forgive one another. Is God concerned with my personal growth? Yes, but who I am matters most in the context of how I relate to other people. What good is a loving heart if I don't display that love to my neighbor? What good is it for me to love justice and then turn a blind eye to it?
When we're handicapped in our ability to have relationships, to handle conflict, to deal with negative feelings in a healthy way, to accept ourselves…these become spiritual problems down the road. On Thursday night, a class for dads called "Raising a Modern-Day Knight" begins. There are many parents of teenagers who needed this class years ago. Now, when relations with their sons are strained, they are grasping for solutions. Isn't it better to help than to heal? Do you have an emotionally healthy child, able to receive and enjoy the great plan that God has written for their life? Don't be resigned to the fact that they're soon growing up physically - give them something to be growing towards.
Factor #4: Emotional and Developmental Health
Key Question: Does my child face emotional or developmental issues that will lead to spiritual problems?
So, then, a question: if we recognize that natural development plays a role in dictating moral capacity - if we allow that very young children can't be held to the same standards as older children - wouldn't it stand to reason that lack of emotional development could be a hindrance to spiritual growth our whole lives?
A few years ago when I was at a church on the East Coast, a colleague there suggested to me that teenagers couldn't be fully devoted followers of Christ, by which he meant that they couldn't realize full spiritual maturity, because they hadn't lived enough life yet. At the time, I chafed at his assertion. But more and more, I appreciate it. He wasn't knocking teenagers or their ability to keep commitments or the sincerity of their devotion. Rather, what he was saying was that teenagers have not been tested, and therefore not been refined, in the ways that adults have, and their spiritual development was limited because of that.
We have fooled ourselves into believing that everyone grows up eventually. Outward appearances cause us to assume that every adult is a grown up, secure and confident and equipped to handle life the way a grown up should. And yes, as people age, they become more aware of the social cues and norms that say you shouldn't put your fist through a wall or ram someone with your car or have verbal fights in public or throw tantrums to get your way. And yet, most of us can recount instances where we've seen adults - grown-ups - behave in those very ways, because their emotions were too strong and they didn't know how else to channel it. The truth is that there's no emotional pituitary gland. People are either taught how to mature emotionally, and they do, or they aren't, and they don't.
A tragic reality of our times is that nutrition and child health have improved to the point that some girls are beginning puberty as early as 3rd grade, and boys as early as 5th grade, yet we know that the brain's impulse control center and judgment ability isn't fully formed until age 20! The result is an extended adolescence, truly a transition period of life, in which kids live in adult-like bodies but still think and act like children. This is the "Age of Opportunity" that Paul Tripp writes about. Yet, too many parents dread it and shrink from it. Why? I think the physical development of teenagers and the package that comes with it - the attitudes, the moods, the resistance, the obsession with vanity, the secrecy - scares a lot of parents. They're convinced that their child inhabits a world with a "Parents keep out!" sign on the door. At a time when they are needed most, they back away, afraid of asserting themselves for fear of alienating their child more, all the while wondering what happened to the loving, loyal little boy or girl they used to know? The price of this is that the emotional nurturance - one might call it the parenting - that kids need doesn't happen.
OK, we can agree that emotional and developmental health is important for kids, but what does it have to do with spiritual development? The answer is, plenty. First of all, we tend to filter our relationship with God through the lens of our own human relationships. The classic example is that of a person for whom the word "father" carries a negative association, perhaps because of abuse, abandonment, or separation. How does this person make sense of the concept of God as a Father, the love of the Father, the Father's forgiveness, and so on? Or, what about someone who was raised by parents who said, "I forgive you", but never really meant it - grudges were the relational bargaining chip in the family? How convinced will they be by the words of Psalm 103 - "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
Furthermore, the Bible calls us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds - "to become what we already are." Yet, in the "Already-Not Yet" state that is the Christian life, the "old man" stays with us - the old habits, the old thoughts, the old attitudes, the old hurts. How, exactly, this old self is "reckoned dead" is a complicated question with no clear answer. However - and this is my opinion - I do not believe the death of the old self is an automatic consequence of one's salvation. Some do believe that: if the sinful self that dogs you persists or manifests itself after you've received the Holy Spirit, your salvation is in question. I respectfully disagree. Nor do I believe that persistent growth issues - anger, lust, depression, anxiety, addiction - are necessarily the result of a spiritual problem. Henry Cloud writes in his excellent book How People Grow about many sincere Christians he has worked with who, despite spiritual rigor and discipline, still hit ceilings in their personal growth. In those cases, emotional issues held back spiritual development, not the other way around.
No, we are not paralyzed by our past experiences, but we are certainly shaped and limited by them, which is why the movement toward small groups in the American church is more than a fad, it's a very healthy change. When a group commits to "do life" together, people discover how to relate to one another and how to relate to God. Old hang-ups, hurts, emotional roadblocks, and unhealthy patterns are unearthed and dealt with. The New Testament letters, from which we derive almost all of our theology on spiritual growth, were written to groups and read out loud - hence the frequent references to "one another": confess your sins to one another, love one another, forgive one another. Is God concerned with my personal growth? Yes, but who I am matters most in the context of how I relate to other people. What good is a loving heart if I don't display that love to my neighbor? What good is it for me to love justice and then turn a blind eye to it?
When we're handicapped in our ability to have relationships, to handle conflict, to deal with negative feelings in a healthy way, to accept ourselves…these become spiritual problems down the road. On Thursday night, a class for dads called "Raising a Modern-Day Knight" begins. There are many parents of teenagers who needed this class years ago. Now, when relations with their sons are strained, they are grasping for solutions. Isn't it better to help than to heal? Do you have an emotionally healthy child, able to receive and enjoy the great plan that God has written for their life? Don't be resigned to the fact that they're soon growing up physically - give them something to be growing towards.
Factor #4: Emotional and Developmental Health
Key Question: Does my child face emotional or developmental issues that will lead to spiritual problems?
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Nine Things Your Child Needs to Thrive Spiritually, part three: Cultivation of a Biblical Worldview
It's only fair that speakers and writers own up to their biases. Otherwise, you can be drawn in by someone who weaves a convincing argument but never details the full implications of their thinking, nor sheds light on what has shaped their thinking to this point. Writers who claim not to have biases are fooling themselves, and you.
So here is one of mine: I don't think we're doing all right in Children's Ministry (nationwide) when it comes to passing on our faith. Status quo is decidedly not ok.
How can we claim success when the statistics say that around 70% of kids raised in the evangelical church will leave the church once they reach college? And that although 80% of American adults identify themselves as Christians, only 3%, according to George Barna, hold a Biblical worldview? And no, it's not good enough that some of those who wander eventually come back, which has become a convenient excuse for some in the world of Christian Ed to do nothing ("We're laying the groundwork…" they say, an argument that betrays a bias: real spiritual maturity can only happen in adults. This fails to take kids seriously spiritually and sells them short.)
No, we - and by this I mean the Church at large - are failing. And ironically, one of the reasons we've failed is that we've tried too hard! Let me explain: In our zeal and determination to successfully pass on a body of faith, we have measured and quantified and systematized and programmed the delivery of Christian Education to the point that the heart of Christianity, a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, gets lost. When did loving Jesus ever become the product of having systematic knowledge?
I see this all the time in browsing Christian websites and reading ministry magazines, curricula that promise "Your kids will grow!" and "Kids will be excited about their faith" and "Kids will develop a firm foundation." Yet any prepackaged curriculum - any pre-written lesson, for that matter - is inherently limited by the assumptions that it is built upon, namely, that the questions it is answering are the ones kids are asking.
We are facing that this Fall in our 4th-6th grade room. We've just launched into a series on God and school, touching on things like cheating, being a good sport, and handling school stress. How do we teach this in such a way as to not be handing down yet another version of THE LAW? The answer is to frame the series around the theme of spiritual growth - what it is, why someone would want it, and how walking in faith (at home and at school) will produce it. But - what if a kid doesn't desire spiritual growth? Will he hear anything in this series except what he's grown accustomed to hearing in the church - all the dos and don'ts? Probably not, and that's the limit of what education can accomplish. We can teach people's minds; we can influence them toward action; but we cannot capture their will.
I am convinced that the strongest force in the world to be tamed is the human will. It is truly renegade. Humility compels us to concede that whenever a person bends their stubborn will toward the Cross, there's more in play than just the apprehension of facts. God is at work in authentic churches; by contrast, there are seminaries and religious studies programs where knowledge is abundant but God is not at work.
What, then, is the role of education, especially for kids and especially in a group setting, where some are saved and on the path of discipleship, but many are not? What can be taught that is beneficial to both groups? What exactly are we trying to do, and what do kids need to possess here in order to be spiritually advantaged? I believe the best thing we can do in an educational setting, especially one that reaches a broad audience of kids, is to pass along a Biblical worldview. To an unbeliever, such a program demonstrates how a Christian thinks; to a believer, it not only demonstrates Christian thought, but trains believers on the way thoughts and ideas interface with actions. A solid Christian Ed program doesn't rest having just presented content, but goes a step further in challenging students - through projects, discussions, role plays, simulations - to envision applying that knowledge in a real-world context. And further, it brings accountability to past actions: did you act as Jesus would have acted?
When Christian Ed does its job, a Biblical worldview becomes so pervasive that it begins to "spill over" into thoughts, goals, aspirations, values, and judgments. This is the litmus test: not whether kids are acquiring knowledge and understanding, but is that understanding making any appreciable difference in the way they think, feel, and behave? Admittedly, what education alone can accomplish is limited. You can educate someone in the way of salvation, and you can show them models of how to live by faith, but all the knowledge in the world won't carry the ball across the goal line. Faith without works is dead, and so Christian teaching - even solid, comprehensive teaching - can only do so much to fortify and nourish a believer. You cannot ignore the importance of modeling, community, discipline, and the other elements I'll be writing about in coming weeks that are necessary for spiritual growth.
But, insofar as churches have been entrusted with the spiritual care of children and adults, we have to accept our share of responsibility for the exodus of young people from our ranks. It's time for us to shake our addiction to the appearance of success - right-sounding answers and memory verse ribbons - and ask the harder question of ourselves: is our teaching actually transforming the way these kids view their world?
Factor #3: The cultivation of a Biblical Worldview
Key Question: Are the goals and values my child articulates in line with godly purposes?
So here is one of mine: I don't think we're doing all right in Children's Ministry (nationwide) when it comes to passing on our faith. Status quo is decidedly not ok.
How can we claim success when the statistics say that around 70% of kids raised in the evangelical church will leave the church once they reach college? And that although 80% of American adults identify themselves as Christians, only 3%, according to George Barna, hold a Biblical worldview? And no, it's not good enough that some of those who wander eventually come back, which has become a convenient excuse for some in the world of Christian Ed to do nothing ("We're laying the groundwork…" they say, an argument that betrays a bias: real spiritual maturity can only happen in adults. This fails to take kids seriously spiritually and sells them short.)
No, we - and by this I mean the Church at large - are failing. And ironically, one of the reasons we've failed is that we've tried too hard! Let me explain: In our zeal and determination to successfully pass on a body of faith, we have measured and quantified and systematized and programmed the delivery of Christian Education to the point that the heart of Christianity, a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, gets lost. When did loving Jesus ever become the product of having systematic knowledge?
I see this all the time in browsing Christian websites and reading ministry magazines, curricula that promise "Your kids will grow!" and "Kids will be excited about their faith" and "Kids will develop a firm foundation." Yet any prepackaged curriculum - any pre-written lesson, for that matter - is inherently limited by the assumptions that it is built upon, namely, that the questions it is answering are the ones kids are asking.
We are facing that this Fall in our 4th-6th grade room. We've just launched into a series on God and school, touching on things like cheating, being a good sport, and handling school stress. How do we teach this in such a way as to not be handing down yet another version of THE LAW? The answer is to frame the series around the theme of spiritual growth - what it is, why someone would want it, and how walking in faith (at home and at school) will produce it. But - what if a kid doesn't desire spiritual growth? Will he hear anything in this series except what he's grown accustomed to hearing in the church - all the dos and don'ts? Probably not, and that's the limit of what education can accomplish. We can teach people's minds; we can influence them toward action; but we cannot capture their will.
I am convinced that the strongest force in the world to be tamed is the human will. It is truly renegade. Humility compels us to concede that whenever a person bends their stubborn will toward the Cross, there's more in play than just the apprehension of facts. God is at work in authentic churches; by contrast, there are seminaries and religious studies programs where knowledge is abundant but God is not at work.
What, then, is the role of education, especially for kids and especially in a group setting, where some are saved and on the path of discipleship, but many are not? What can be taught that is beneficial to both groups? What exactly are we trying to do, and what do kids need to possess here in order to be spiritually advantaged? I believe the best thing we can do in an educational setting, especially one that reaches a broad audience of kids, is to pass along a Biblical worldview. To an unbeliever, such a program demonstrates how a Christian thinks; to a believer, it not only demonstrates Christian thought, but trains believers on the way thoughts and ideas interface with actions. A solid Christian Ed program doesn't rest having just presented content, but goes a step further in challenging students - through projects, discussions, role plays, simulations - to envision applying that knowledge in a real-world context. And further, it brings accountability to past actions: did you act as Jesus would have acted?
When Christian Ed does its job, a Biblical worldview becomes so pervasive that it begins to "spill over" into thoughts, goals, aspirations, values, and judgments. This is the litmus test: not whether kids are acquiring knowledge and understanding, but is that understanding making any appreciable difference in the way they think, feel, and behave? Admittedly, what education alone can accomplish is limited. You can educate someone in the way of salvation, and you can show them models of how to live by faith, but all the knowledge in the world won't carry the ball across the goal line. Faith without works is dead, and so Christian teaching - even solid, comprehensive teaching - can only do so much to fortify and nourish a believer. You cannot ignore the importance of modeling, community, discipline, and the other elements I'll be writing about in coming weeks that are necessary for spiritual growth.
But, insofar as churches have been entrusted with the spiritual care of children and adults, we have to accept our share of responsibility for the exodus of young people from our ranks. It's time for us to shake our addiction to the appearance of success - right-sounding answers and memory verse ribbons - and ask the harder question of ourselves: is our teaching actually transforming the way these kids view their world?
Factor #3: The cultivation of a Biblical Worldview
Key Question: Are the goals and values my child articulates in line with godly purposes?
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