Some other pastors and I had an interesting discussion last week. At issue was how early in our teaching it is reasonable to expect kids to connect belief to action. For example, it's generally conceded that a very young child might be taught to say that hitting is wrong, but that won't stop them from acting impulsively when hitting or shoving seems to be to their advantage.
So, then, a question: if we recognize that natural development plays a role in dictating moral capacity - if we allow that very young children can't be held to the same standards as older children - wouldn't it stand to reason that lack of emotional development could be a hindrance to spiritual growth our whole lives?
A few years ago when I was at a church on the East Coast, a colleague there suggested to me that teenagers couldn't be fully devoted followers of Christ, by which he meant that they couldn't realize full spiritual maturity, because they hadn't lived enough life yet. At the time, I chafed at his assertion. But more and more, I appreciate it. He wasn't knocking teenagers or their ability to keep commitments or the sincerity of their devotion. Rather, what he was saying was that teenagers have not been tested, and therefore not been refined, in the ways that adults have, and their spiritual development was limited because of that.
We have fooled ourselves into believing that everyone grows up eventually. Outward appearances cause us to assume that every adult is a grown up, secure and confident and equipped to handle life the way a grown up should. And yes, as people age, they become more aware of the social cues and norms that say you shouldn't put your fist through a wall or ram someone with your car or have verbal fights in public or throw tantrums to get your way. And yet, most of us can recount instances where we've seen adults - grown-ups - behave in those very ways, because their emotions were too strong and they didn't know how else to channel it. The truth is that there's no emotional pituitary gland. People are either taught how to mature emotionally, and they do, or they aren't, and they don't.
A tragic reality of our times is that nutrition and child health have improved to the point that some girls are beginning puberty as early as 3rd grade, and boys as early as 5th grade, yet we know that the brain's impulse control center and judgment ability isn't fully formed until age 20! The result is an extended adolescence, truly a transition period of life, in which kids live in adult-like bodies but still think and act like children. This is the "Age of Opportunity" that Paul Tripp writes about. Yet, too many parents dread it and shrink from it. Why? I think the physical development of teenagers and the package that comes with it - the attitudes, the moods, the resistance, the obsession with vanity, the secrecy - scares a lot of parents. They're convinced that their child inhabits a world with a "Parents keep out!" sign on the door. At a time when they are needed most, they back away, afraid of asserting themselves for fear of alienating their child more, all the while wondering what happened to the loving, loyal little boy or girl they used to know? The price of this is that the emotional nurturance - one might call it the parenting - that kids need doesn't happen.
OK, we can agree that emotional and developmental health is important for kids, but what does it have to do with spiritual development? The answer is, plenty. First of all, we tend to filter our relationship with God through the lens of our own human relationships. The classic example is that of a person for whom the word "father" carries a negative association, perhaps because of abuse, abandonment, or separation. How does this person make sense of the concept of God as a Father, the love of the Father, the Father's forgiveness, and so on? Or, what about someone who was raised by parents who said, "I forgive you", but never really meant it - grudges were the relational bargaining chip in the family? How convinced will they be by the words of Psalm 103 - "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
Furthermore, the Bible calls us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds - "to become what we already are." Yet, in the "Already-Not Yet" state that is the Christian life, the "old man" stays with us - the old habits, the old thoughts, the old attitudes, the old hurts. How, exactly, this old self is "reckoned dead" is a complicated question with no clear answer. However - and this is my opinion - I do not believe the death of the old self is an automatic consequence of one's salvation. Some do believe that: if the sinful self that dogs you persists or manifests itself after you've received the Holy Spirit, your salvation is in question. I respectfully disagree. Nor do I believe that persistent growth issues - anger, lust, depression, anxiety, addiction - are necessarily the result of a spiritual problem. Henry Cloud writes in his excellent book How People Grow about many sincere Christians he has worked with who, despite spiritual rigor and discipline, still hit ceilings in their personal growth. In those cases, emotional issues held back spiritual development, not the other way around.
No, we are not paralyzed by our past experiences, but we are certainly shaped and limited by them, which is why the movement toward small groups in the American church is more than a fad, it's a very healthy change. When a group commits to "do life" together, people discover how to relate to one another and how to relate to God. Old hang-ups, hurts, emotional roadblocks, and unhealthy patterns are unearthed and dealt with. The New Testament letters, from which we derive almost all of our theology on spiritual growth, were written to groups and read out loud - hence the frequent references to "one another": confess your sins to one another, love one another, forgive one another. Is God concerned with my personal growth? Yes, but who I am matters most in the context of how I relate to other people. What good is a loving heart if I don't display that love to my neighbor? What good is it for me to love justice and then turn a blind eye to it?
When we're handicapped in our ability to have relationships, to handle conflict, to deal with negative feelings in a healthy way, to accept ourselves…these become spiritual problems down the road. On Thursday night, a class for dads called "Raising a Modern-Day Knight" begins. There are many parents of teenagers who needed this class years ago. Now, when relations with their sons are strained, they are grasping for solutions. Isn't it better to help than to heal? Do you have an emotionally healthy child, able to receive and enjoy the great plan that God has written for their life? Don't be resigned to the fact that they're soon growing up physically - give them something to be growing towards.
Factor #4: Emotional and Developmental Health
Key Question: Does my child face emotional or developmental issues that will lead to spiritual problems?
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
