A fifth quality shared by kids who are strong in their faith through high school and beyond is one that seems so obvious, it's a wonder we miss it. Put simply, these kids own their faith. They're not living a borrowed faith or following blindly or out of obligation. They follow Jesus because they choose to. And exercising choice is a defining quality of their lives.
These kids are parented in such a way that they have a reasonable amount of control over decision making in their own lives. Their parents see their job as equipping their child to more and more assume responsibility for themselves - and to bear the consequences of bad decisions. The arrival of adulthood isn't jarring to either the kids or parents, because the transition has been years in the making. By the time this kid leaves high school, he or she is trained to be an adult.
Why does this matter? Let me come at it from three angles. First, if we are wanting kids to make the most significant decision that will change their lives - the decision for Christ - how can we expect them to do that if they have no practice or experience making decisions for themselves in other areas of their lives?
A second way of looking at it comes from a conversation I had with two high school sophomores a couple of years ago. One of the boys remarked, "I think becoming a Christian is one decision for Jesus, but living like a Christian is a million decisions for Jesus." Well put. When a kid's life is managed in such a way that their life isn't really theirs, how will they able to continue to answer the call of Christ to deny themselves? Christian living requires a continuous commitment of the will, which is nearly impossible for kids who are never otherwise allowed to exercise their will.
The third argument is that making good decisions is developed by practice. Think back to some of the worst decisions you've ever made. Did you deliberately ignore advice to the contrary, ignorant of right and wrong, or did you lack the foresight to evaluate the consequences of your actions? This is an essential component of learning from your mistakes - that there will be mistakes, but that with practice in making choices, a person gets better at making smart ones.
Possessing the skills to appropriately manage one's own life is what John Townsend and Henry Cloud call "functional self-sufficiency". It is marked by gradually greater degrees of autonomy as one learns to manage life for themselves . Obviously no one expects a baby to feed itself, or a toddler to prepare meals, or a kindergartener to enroll herself in school. But (hopefully) easily as obvious, there is an age beyond which "doing for" a child is no longer appropriate. The skill in parenting lies in offering appropriate support at appropriate times, knowing when to assert yourself on your child's behalf and when to let them fight their own battles.
This is a balancing act. Helping with homework is great - we want our kids to know when they're in over their heads, to ask for help. Doing your kid's science-fair project goes too far. What about all the gray in between? Should parents correct their child's homework, making them re-do it until it's exactly right? Should they drill with them before tests? Up until what age? Should they edit writing? How many times? Apart from the ethical question of parents doing homework is the strategic one: are kids well-served by not having to work through it themselves?
And schoolwork is only one example. When should a parent intervene in a friendship dispute and when should they let kids resolve it themselves, however imperfectly? Is it a parent's job to confront when the personality of their child and the teacher don't mesh? Should they approach the coach about playing time? Again, the answer depends much on the age of the child. Understand that the argument for letting kids develop functional self-sufficiency is not an argument for hands-off parenting, which is walking away from parental responsibilities. It is a call to reconsider the goal of parenting: is it to manage kids' lives, keeping them happy and out of trouble (a series of short-term objectives), or is it to prepare them over the long term to be well-adjusted, functional adults?
Parents are delighted when an infant learns to sit up or roll over. They're bemused when a two-year-old starts to insist on "doing it self!" This leads to parent-child tension once it becomes apparent that a toddler's desire for independence trumps their sense of time and urgency. As kids get older, their desire for autonomy can seem threatening - the obsession with privacy, the desire to challenge rules, the preference to spend time at friends' houses, the wish to have a car and get a job. Yet those desires are also the engine that drives kids on toward adulthood (come on, you really don't want them living at home when they're 30, right?) and as such, each presents a teaching opportunity. Each time a child successfully navigates a new challenge (I can do it myself!) they grow in maturity. And as shepherds interested in their spiritual welfare, eager to see them claim the promises of scripture for themselves, we should want that.
Factor #5: Functional Self-Sufficiency
Key Question: Are my parenting practices helping my child develop independence and the ability to make good decisions?
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
