Last week I wrote about the Big Goal, helping kids draw near to God to love him now and for the rest of their lives. This closeness is especially important during times of important life decision making, which the next 10-15 years surely will be for them. And, I laid out some minor goals that we are striving for "in-room". But the fact remains that our "in-room" reach is so limited. We might have 20-30 hours of contact with the average kid in a year. What can be done in that kind of time?
The answer, fortunately, is not "nothing", but the extent of what a ministry program can do is often limited by the foundation a child brings to us. I can understand what Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 3, where he speaks of someone else building on the foundation that he laid. Churches are finish carpenters, not framers, and if the foundation is off or nonexistent, it's tough to do much finishing that will last, or matter.
So, I offer these things you can work to build in your child, that the "finishing" work of a church ministry might be maximized.
If your son or daughter is in 4th grade, you need to train them in how to make decisions. Lives are the products of millions of decisions. We reap what we sow. Everything from major life decisions - marriage, career, education, raising kids, buying a house - to mundane, everyday decisions end up shaping who we are and where we're going. Why is this spiritually significant? A teenage boy once told me, "I think becoming a Christian is one decision for Jesus, but living the Christian life is like a million decisions for Jesus." Good stuff. We are wanting kids to make a huge decision that will affect the course of their whole lives - a decision to follow Christ. How can they if they otherwise control nothing about their own lives because they never make a decision for themselves?
Here are some things I think a 4th grader can be reasonably trained and expected to do. A 4th grader should be able to keep their room clean and perform a regular set of home chores. A 4th grader should be able to order for themselves at a restaurant, including speaking to the waiter or waitress. They should be able, unless there are special circumstances, to complete their own homework (unless the work is genuinely too difficult, in which case the school should be asked to justify the assignment). They should be able to make basic spending decisions (with prudent guidelines that teach them to save for the future and give; a simple formula like save 10%, give 10%, and spend 80% is a good habit to ingrain). They should participate in the planning of their birthday party (not just selecting the theme and leaving all the work to you!). They should be able to engage with an adult in a conversation, something some kids don't learn to do because their parents have a habit of answering for them. And please, please, please - your child (well before 4th grade) should know their full address and phone number. I understand that no one writes letters anymore, but for safety's sake if nothing else, your child needs to know where they come from and where home is.
They should, at this age, be learning to work in groups. Group work, in which same-age peers plan a project, divide the work, and see it through to completion without adult management, is so valuable in teaching them how to communicate, how to manage their own feelings, and how to get along. If your child's school is not giving kids opportunities to do group projects, ask why not. The bottom line: kids learn to make good decisions by being trusted to make decisions.
If your son or daughter is in 5th grade, this is the year you need to open up a dialogue about sex, puberty, and dating. Swallow hard if you must. Notice that I didn't tell you to have "The Talk". I think that as pervasive as pre-marital and extra-marital sex is in our culture today, one talk will never be enough if you want to ensure that your child has both correct information and develops healthy values here. Some parents fret about the "right" time to address it, but if you're committed to opening a dialogue, having impeccable timing about "The Talk" isn't so important. What's more important to know is that kids up to a certain age are vaguely aware of sex, and after a certain age - and for some reason this seems to be during 5th grade - most are curious about it and ready to have those conversations.
Fortunately, I can suggest some resources. I've heard good things about the "God's Design for Sex" series, which is four books intended to be used starting when your child is a preschooler. Book 2 is recommended for ages 5-8 while Book 3, "What's the Big Deal, Why God Cares About Sex" is targeted at pre-teens. Then the 4th book, "Facing the Facts: The Truth About Sex and You" is designed for young teenagers. You might blush when you look at some of the chapter headings in Book 4, but the whole point is that if you've used the series up until then, you will have created a climate where there is no shame and embarrassment for either you or your child when it comes to the most intense subjects.
Another friend in preteen ministry recommends "The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls", part of the "American Girl" series, for use with girls. And for boys, you can pick up the "Every Man" contribution, which is "Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle." The thing I like about that book is that it is written as a series of simulated conversations, so the person who "doesn't know what to say" can see exactly what they might say. All of these titles can be ordered from our church bookstore.
And if your son or daughter is in 6th grade, this is the year you need to help them build a network of Christian friends. Sixth graders are already socially conscious and this will intensify through 7th, 8th, and 9th grades, until they've found their niche in high school and some of the identity crisis subsides, when "Who Am I?" can be answered "I am just like all of my friends, and they're..." A preteen, when invited to one of our events, will want to know "What are we going to do there?" A junior high kid wants to know, "Who else is going to be there?" You want your child to leave 6th grade and move into the junior high ministry with a solid group of friends and acquaintences at church so that their continued participation in Junior High and High School ministry is a given.
How do you do this? By exposing them to as many church peers as often as possible. When we get large turnout for an event, I rejoice. Why? Because it made the effort worth it? OK, yes, I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of it. But I also know that when large numbers of kids are brought together, the chances are good that everyone who came was able to find at least one "buddy" to share the night with. There's a lot of mileage in laughter and shared experience that can be re-lived the next Sunday at church, and that makes kids look forward to the next event. Paintball welts hurt, but when boys are eager to come to church to show them off to each other, that's worth it. Girls may be grumpy the day after an all-nighter, but that trip to the karaoke machine or game of Apples to Apples may be just enough to break the ice between her and a new best friend. I don't believe kids should only have Christian friends. Not at all! But there are too many kids who have no Christian friends. That's a problem, and if not addressed, three to four years later you're going to face resistance on the issue of going to church. Trust me, even if your child now goes willingly, the day is coming when Who Else Is There will be consideration #1. So the best thing you can do is involve them now, deeply, when that's easy to do.
And one more thing: let me clarify what I mean by "Christian friends". By "friend" I mean someone your child would actually call and associate with outside of church - sleepovers, birthday parties, days at the beach, etc. Friendships at this age, especially for boys, center around shared experiences, so while you (an adult) may have friends from church that you share a meaningful connection with even though your only encounters are church-related, kid friendships don't work that way. That is something we hope they will grow towards with each other, but first there needs to be lots of time together. Secondly, by "Christian" I mean really that they have parents who are working toward the same goal you are. Normally I wouldn't use the word in that way, but the truth is, the label a child chooses for him or herself is less important than the orientation being assumed for them by their parents. All of this points to the need to bring parents of same-age kids in the church together, and we're working at that, but a simple measure might be whether you can name four other families from our church whose kids attend the same school your kids do. If you can, great - connect with those families. If not, time to start inviting, and time to focus on helping your kid get to know those who are here. Ask them who they know and who they like being with at church. And bring them, bring them, bring them, because being known is important in a large church.
I have lots of ideas about how we can build what I call, "the Greater Christian Community" in North County among kids and families, some of which involve networking with other churches. But all the organization in the world won't matter until parents are committed to the idea that their child needs Christian friends.
The answer, fortunately, is not "nothing", but the extent of what a ministry program can do is often limited by the foundation a child brings to us. I can understand what Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 3, where he speaks of someone else building on the foundation that he laid. Churches are finish carpenters, not framers, and if the foundation is off or nonexistent, it's tough to do much finishing that will last, or matter.
So, I offer these things you can work to build in your child, that the "finishing" work of a church ministry might be maximized.
If your son or daughter is in 4th grade, you need to train them in how to make decisions. Lives are the products of millions of decisions. We reap what we sow. Everything from major life decisions - marriage, career, education, raising kids, buying a house - to mundane, everyday decisions end up shaping who we are and where we're going. Why is this spiritually significant? A teenage boy once told me, "I think becoming a Christian is one decision for Jesus, but living the Christian life is like a million decisions for Jesus." Good stuff. We are wanting kids to make a huge decision that will affect the course of their whole lives - a decision to follow Christ. How can they if they otherwise control nothing about their own lives because they never make a decision for themselves?
Here are some things I think a 4th grader can be reasonably trained and expected to do. A 4th grader should be able to keep their room clean and perform a regular set of home chores. A 4th grader should be able to order for themselves at a restaurant, including speaking to the waiter or waitress. They should be able, unless there are special circumstances, to complete their own homework (unless the work is genuinely too difficult, in which case the school should be asked to justify the assignment). They should be able to make basic spending decisions (with prudent guidelines that teach them to save for the future and give; a simple formula like save 10%, give 10%, and spend 80% is a good habit to ingrain). They should participate in the planning of their birthday party (not just selecting the theme and leaving all the work to you!). They should be able to engage with an adult in a conversation, something some kids don't learn to do because their parents have a habit of answering for them. And please, please, please - your child (well before 4th grade) should know their full address and phone number. I understand that no one writes letters anymore, but for safety's sake if nothing else, your child needs to know where they come from and where home is.
They should, at this age, be learning to work in groups. Group work, in which same-age peers plan a project, divide the work, and see it through to completion without adult management, is so valuable in teaching them how to communicate, how to manage their own feelings, and how to get along. If your child's school is not giving kids opportunities to do group projects, ask why not. The bottom line: kids learn to make good decisions by being trusted to make decisions.
If your son or daughter is in 5th grade, this is the year you need to open up a dialogue about sex, puberty, and dating. Swallow hard if you must. Notice that I didn't tell you to have "The Talk". I think that as pervasive as pre-marital and extra-marital sex is in our culture today, one talk will never be enough if you want to ensure that your child has both correct information and develops healthy values here. Some parents fret about the "right" time to address it, but if you're committed to opening a dialogue, having impeccable timing about "The Talk" isn't so important. What's more important to know is that kids up to a certain age are vaguely aware of sex, and after a certain age - and for some reason this seems to be during 5th grade - most are curious about it and ready to have those conversations.
Fortunately, I can suggest some resources. I've heard good things about the "God's Design for Sex" series, which is four books intended to be used starting when your child is a preschooler. Book 2 is recommended for ages 5-8 while Book 3, "What's the Big Deal, Why God Cares About Sex" is targeted at pre-teens. Then the 4th book, "Facing the Facts: The Truth About Sex and You" is designed for young teenagers. You might blush when you look at some of the chapter headings in Book 4, but the whole point is that if you've used the series up until then, you will have created a climate where there is no shame and embarrassment for either you or your child when it comes to the most intense subjects.
Another friend in preteen ministry recommends "The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls", part of the "American Girl" series, for use with girls. And for boys, you can pick up the "Every Man" contribution, which is "Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle." The thing I like about that book is that it is written as a series of simulated conversations, so the person who "doesn't know what to say" can see exactly what they might say. All of these titles can be ordered from our church bookstore.
And if your son or daughter is in 6th grade, this is the year you need to help them build a network of Christian friends. Sixth graders are already socially conscious and this will intensify through 7th, 8th, and 9th grades, until they've found their niche in high school and some of the identity crisis subsides, when "Who Am I?" can be answered "I am just like all of my friends, and they're..." A preteen, when invited to one of our events, will want to know "What are we going to do there?" A junior high kid wants to know, "Who else is going to be there?" You want your child to leave 6th grade and move into the junior high ministry with a solid group of friends and acquaintences at church so that their continued participation in Junior High and High School ministry is a given.
How do you do this? By exposing them to as many church peers as often as possible. When we get large turnout for an event, I rejoice. Why? Because it made the effort worth it? OK, yes, I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of it. But I also know that when large numbers of kids are brought together, the chances are good that everyone who came was able to find at least one "buddy" to share the night with. There's a lot of mileage in laughter and shared experience that can be re-lived the next Sunday at church, and that makes kids look forward to the next event. Paintball welts hurt, but when boys are eager to come to church to show them off to each other, that's worth it. Girls may be grumpy the day after an all-nighter, but that trip to the karaoke machine or game of Apples to Apples may be just enough to break the ice between her and a new best friend. I don't believe kids should only have Christian friends. Not at all! But there are too many kids who have no Christian friends. That's a problem, and if not addressed, three to four years later you're going to face resistance on the issue of going to church. Trust me, even if your child now goes willingly, the day is coming when Who Else Is There will be consideration #1. So the best thing you can do is involve them now, deeply, when that's easy to do.
And one more thing: let me clarify what I mean by "Christian friends". By "friend" I mean someone your child would actually call and associate with outside of church - sleepovers, birthday parties, days at the beach, etc. Friendships at this age, especially for boys, center around shared experiences, so while you (an adult) may have friends from church that you share a meaningful connection with even though your only encounters are church-related, kid friendships don't work that way. That is something we hope they will grow towards with each other, but first there needs to be lots of time together. Secondly, by "Christian" I mean really that they have parents who are working toward the same goal you are. Normally I wouldn't use the word in that way, but the truth is, the label a child chooses for him or herself is less important than the orientation being assumed for them by their parents. All of this points to the need to bring parents of same-age kids in the church together, and we're working at that, but a simple measure might be whether you can name four other families from our church whose kids attend the same school your kids do. If you can, great - connect with those families. If not, time to start inviting, and time to focus on helping your kid get to know those who are here. Ask them who they know and who they like being with at church. And bring them, bring them, bring them, because being known is important in a large church.
I have lots of ideas about how we can build what I call, "the Greater Christian Community" in North County among kids and families, some of which involve networking with other churches. But all the organization in the world won't matter until parents are committed to the idea that their child needs Christian friends.
