It's a paradox of youth and churches: the longer a kid is involved, the harder it often is to keep them motivated and interested. The same "senioritis" that infects 12th grade students often sets in as kids reach the end of their respective age-level ministries. Sixth graders can't wait to move up and out to junior high; 8th graders are anxious for high school; 11th and 12th graders, with nothing to move on to, will sometimes just get bored and drop out. Couple this with a troubling statistic about junior high students and the Bible, and the need to build a case for continued ministry involvement is apparent.
What keeps adults coming to church year after year is continued growth, or perhaps the way church relationships enrich their lives, or in times when they struggle, perhaps just a sense of obedience. For kids, it's different. Kids live in households, and don't drive, and largely don't keep their own schedules. Their presence in our churches is driven largely by some adult who perceives it to be necessary.
So, how necessary is it, once kids have learned the basics? Plenty.
For one, kids need continued church involvement because they are rapidly developing. While it's true that we continue to grow and change throughout our lives, we don't change as much as, say, between ages 8-16 - which is why no church puts third graders with high schoolers. Instead, we recognize that at different age levels, kids have distinct needs. As a result, ministry to one age level isn't more necessary than to another age level.
Secondly, f we measure "what we do" merely by "what is taught" - that is, the facts and stories transmitted - then a student could, in fact, get "done" with church. They would just have to master the material presented. But if we accept that churches ought to do more than just transmit content from teachers to students, then it is more accurate to say that kids can outgrow our ministries, but never be done with church.
What, then, is that "more" that we are delivering, beyond mastery of Bible content? What is the rationale for ministry at the preteen level that is developmentally geared and distinct from, say, first grade or junior high or college group? Why do we do preteen ministry as something for preteens, and not just as a version of elementary ministry with older kids?
This week I want to focus on one "why", which is Belonging. At this age, friendship groups become more a part of who kids are. The number and frequency of overnight stays increases, the number of teams and clubs to which a preteen belongs is greater than when they were younger, and they begin to carve out an identity apart from their parents. I'll write about identity formation, which is the second "why", next week, but for this week let's focus on the groups that will help define a child's self-concept. That is, if I'm on the soccer team, I am a soccer player. If I make the cast, I am an actress. If I belong to the boy scouts, I am a boy scout.
Think about your child's affiliations. To where and to what do they belong? Can you see how they derive a sense of identity from that? And have you witnessed that identity fade when the season or show or activity ends, when they aren't in contact with a particular set of kids anymore?
Now think about how kids come to belong. They sign up, usually. They might pay a registration cost or be issued a uniform. They are assigned a specific role. They are taught the rules, and the lingo. They get to know and become known by the others in that group. And in time, a __________ (football player, dancer, artist, skater, or whatever) is born.
When it comes to church, though, we are missing a few of the elements that would otherwise constitute belonging. There are no sign-ups - you just show up. And our church doesn't have formal membership. There's no fee to join (but would we value it more highly if there was?). And deliberately, there is not a special language or set of rituals that serve to separate insiders and outsiders. What remains, then, to belonging is the relational component: knowing others and being known.
Which is why it is so imperative that you do what you must to get your child to church every week. In my experience, there simply is no better way for kids to become known than regular exposure to their peers at church, weekend in and weekend out. We don't get drafted into churches for our skills or past accomplishments, so those can't accelerate our belonging. Church is just a place where we are expected and allowed to be. Being = belonging. When we fall out of the habit, or find other things to do, we lose closeness in our relationships at church. The group grows on without us.
A significant reason to have a distinct preteen ministry is to give kids an environment to belong in, and small groups to belong to. You want kids to say, by the start of their junior high years, that going to church feels like home. That is almost completely a function of the amount of time spent among peers at church. And, unlike the fatigue that settles in from hearing the same Bible stories over and over again, belonging works the other way - the more connected-in we feel, the more we desire to build and grow those relationships. We find that routinely as kids become comfortable in our classroom, their attentiveness slips. Why? Because suddenly the classroom is about more than hearing a Bible message and answering questions. It's still some of that, but it also becomes a place where kids know other kids, and are known by leaders. This is a good thing. People never outgrow that.
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Free of Drugs, but Tethered to What? A Christian Perspective on Red Ribbon Week
The week that ended October 31 was the annual "Red Ribbon Week", during which schools conduct anti-drug and violence programs and ask students to wear red ribbons symbolizing their desire to be "Drug Free". The observance has been around since 1986, which means it was born in the era of Just Say No and D.A.R.E. and other noble attempts to keep Generation X and the kids who followed them away from drugs. I'll let you draw your own conclusions about their effectiveness - that isn't the point of this essay. The point is to ask in all earnestness: the kids who remain drug free - who are they?
We know who the drug users are. Potheads. Stoners. Druggies. Dealers. Or, in some schools, the popular kids, the in crowd, the A-list, cool. There is an identity, sometimes desired, that attaches to drug use: an entire subculture has grown up around marijuana, that has its own music, clothing, magazines, slang, and even religion. There is an extent to which drug use can make somebodies out of nobodies, which in part explains its appeal. Despite popular anti-drug appeals, not every teenager who uses is addicted. Quite a few recreational users choose their habit because it is part of who they are.
No such identity awaits kids who carry through on a pledge to be "drug free". Many is the kid who willfully preserves him or herself into high school, only to find that an identity carved only in opposition to vices isn't much of one at all. We are perhaps too optimistic about the value of remaining "free" of things, be they drugs, or alcohol, or gang involvement, or sexual activity. "Virtue is its own reward," we are told, but is it? Virtuous teens are often lonely teens, because the number of like-minded peers is so few. Using drugs or alcohol in many communities that lack teen-friendly environments is a past-time, giving kids something to do. A college student, interviewed on the prevalence of binge drinking on campuses, spoke the truth when he observed that if a student didn't go to parties, they'd never meet anyone.
When I began working with kids 15 years ago, I was a "good choices" guy - my desire was to see kids make positive choices and pro-social contributions, and sports was the avenue by which I would lead them. People who promote "good choices" have great intentions. But there has to be something more for kids.
Drug Free? Yes - but for what? Motivational talks about setting goals or achieving your dreams typical accompany the "say no to drugs" message, the implication being that if kids fall into drug abuse, they'll never be the next Bill Gates, or Steven Spielberg, or Barack Obama; drugs destroy dreams. Which is good - as far as it goes. But here, a Christian mind must pause and ask if personal achievement and fulfillment - the plans of man - are really the destination, and the rationale for sobriety. We are obligated to help our kids answer the question, "If I stay drug-free, then what? What do I grow towards after I have resolved to keep myself away from?"
Of course, to a Christian the answer is obvious. We are created - destined if you will - for the glory of God, set on a course to be transformed and remade, set apart, cherished by God and privileged to have personal knowledge and experience of him. This does require the submission of our will and subsequently prompts us to marvel again and again that God debased and limited himself for us, so that we could enter a relationship where He is pleased to allow us to draw 100% of the benefit while he suffers all of the cost. That is truth worth living for, and to the extent that drugs mar our journey toward wholeness and realization of the godly intent, they are a great evil.
That is the message, and the contribution churches everywhere could make toward projecting a positive vision of kids' futures: say "no" to drugs at the same time as you are embracing "yes" to life, and life to the full. It is also a reason churches must resist, kicking and screaming, any attempt to equate our work with "character education". We are not character education, and we sell kids short in churches and in Christian schools when we stop at that. Our job is to promote the spiritual life - its personal, social, and vocational dimensions - and anything less than that will not do.
Christian parents likewise must aspire to more for their children than that they will be good. Kids don't want to be good, even less so as they get older. It really isn't until young adulthood that "goodness" (or we might also say "virtue") is valued at a peer level, and even then, virtuous people are often sneered at or looked down upon as suckers, too simple to know how to take advantage of the system, too pious to let loose and have a little fun. Good doesn't sell, nor should it. What's worth passing on is a version of life that has God at its core and the adventure of connecting with him as its purpose. Ask yourself: would I be satisfied if my child left home at 18 a moral person, but indifferent about God? I hope not.
So how's this for a parental ambition: pray tonight that your child will one day (sooner rather than later) consciously and willfully exist for the singular purpose of enjoying God. Then pray that God will use whatever is necessary to bring them to that point. I dare you. This is a goal for them that is astonishingly simple, dramatically bold, and that blows drug-free out of the water. It takes faith to pray like that. But even before that, it takes churches and parents who are united in vision, who believe they have a mandate to do more than keep kids cloistered and unstained. If we don't dream big dreams for our kids and communicate that to them, we may be surprised how quickly they'll regard our pleas for goodness as irrelevant.
We know who the drug users are. Potheads. Stoners. Druggies. Dealers. Or, in some schools, the popular kids, the in crowd, the A-list, cool. There is an identity, sometimes desired, that attaches to drug use: an entire subculture has grown up around marijuana, that has its own music, clothing, magazines, slang, and even religion. There is an extent to which drug use can make somebodies out of nobodies, which in part explains its appeal. Despite popular anti-drug appeals, not every teenager who uses is addicted. Quite a few recreational users choose their habit because it is part of who they are.
No such identity awaits kids who carry through on a pledge to be "drug free". Many is the kid who willfully preserves him or herself into high school, only to find that an identity carved only in opposition to vices isn't much of one at all. We are perhaps too optimistic about the value of remaining "free" of things, be they drugs, or alcohol, or gang involvement, or sexual activity. "Virtue is its own reward," we are told, but is it? Virtuous teens are often lonely teens, because the number of like-minded peers is so few. Using drugs or alcohol in many communities that lack teen-friendly environments is a past-time, giving kids something to do. A college student, interviewed on the prevalence of binge drinking on campuses, spoke the truth when he observed that if a student didn't go to parties, they'd never meet anyone.
When I began working with kids 15 years ago, I was a "good choices" guy - my desire was to see kids make positive choices and pro-social contributions, and sports was the avenue by which I would lead them. People who promote "good choices" have great intentions. But there has to be something more for kids.
Drug Free? Yes - but for what? Motivational talks about setting goals or achieving your dreams typical accompany the "say no to drugs" message, the implication being that if kids fall into drug abuse, they'll never be the next Bill Gates, or Steven Spielberg, or Barack Obama; drugs destroy dreams. Which is good - as far as it goes. But here, a Christian mind must pause and ask if personal achievement and fulfillment - the plans of man - are really the destination, and the rationale for sobriety. We are obligated to help our kids answer the question, "If I stay drug-free, then what? What do I grow towards after I have resolved to keep myself away from?"
Of course, to a Christian the answer is obvious. We are created - destined if you will - for the glory of God, set on a course to be transformed and remade, set apart, cherished by God and privileged to have personal knowledge and experience of him. This does require the submission of our will and subsequently prompts us to marvel again and again that God debased and limited himself for us, so that we could enter a relationship where He is pleased to allow us to draw 100% of the benefit while he suffers all of the cost. That is truth worth living for, and to the extent that drugs mar our journey toward wholeness and realization of the godly intent, they are a great evil.
That is the message, and the contribution churches everywhere could make toward projecting a positive vision of kids' futures: say "no" to drugs at the same time as you are embracing "yes" to life, and life to the full. It is also a reason churches must resist, kicking and screaming, any attempt to equate our work with "character education". We are not character education, and we sell kids short in churches and in Christian schools when we stop at that. Our job is to promote the spiritual life - its personal, social, and vocational dimensions - and anything less than that will not do.
Christian parents likewise must aspire to more for their children than that they will be good. Kids don't want to be good, even less so as they get older. It really isn't until young adulthood that "goodness" (or we might also say "virtue") is valued at a peer level, and even then, virtuous people are often sneered at or looked down upon as suckers, too simple to know how to take advantage of the system, too pious to let loose and have a little fun. Good doesn't sell, nor should it. What's worth passing on is a version of life that has God at its core and the adventure of connecting with him as its purpose. Ask yourself: would I be satisfied if my child left home at 18 a moral person, but indifferent about God? I hope not.
So how's this for a parental ambition: pray tonight that your child will one day (sooner rather than later) consciously and willfully exist for the singular purpose of enjoying God. Then pray that God will use whatever is necessary to bring them to that point. I dare you. This is a goal for them that is astonishingly simple, dramatically bold, and that blows drug-free out of the water. It takes faith to pray like that. But even before that, it takes churches and parents who are united in vision, who believe they have a mandate to do more than keep kids cloistered and unstained. If we don't dream big dreams for our kids and communicate that to them, we may be surprised how quickly they'll regard our pleas for goodness as irrelevant.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Here Comes Camp!
A highlight of the 4th-6th grade year is approaching. In late January we will once again trek up to the San Bernardino Mountains for a weekend of winter camp at Forest Home. Whether your child is one of our camp veterans or has never made the trip, or if your family is new to the church, I want to write this as an invitation to make an investment for your child that can pay dividends on many levels.
1. Camp experiences create memories. Last year, on the drive up, we were being goofy in the front of the bus, trying to keep the kids entertained on the 2+ hour bus ride, telling jokes and playing quiz games, when all of a sudden it became very quiet. It took me a few seconds to catch on - we had finally climbed to an elevation where the kids could see snow. This non-native Californian forgets every year what a big deal for these kids to see snow. Their faces reflect their amazement, and the fascination with snow never wears off the entire weekend, regardless of how dirty or wet they get.
Weather is just one of the reasons winter camp leaves a lasting imprint. For 48 hours, they get to exist in a kid-dominated (but still adult-structured) environment. Kids eat great food, sing fun songs, play lots of games, get to commandeer the bunk beds in their room, go on hikes, play outside, stay up late, and experience nature. It is an edifying experience and kids talk about it for months after they return.
Why is this a benefit? Because the week-to-week experience of church tends to blur. But camp is so different, so unique, that it can expose kids to God in a different environment than to what they've become accustomed. Just as kids' faith development is stunted if there is no "God talk" at home, but only in church, it helps kids to have a spiritual experience that's off their normal turf.
2. Camp builds and strengthens friendships. We have kids "meet" each other at camp who have been going to the same church and same class for literally years, yet never had the chance to develop a relationship. We have other kids who encounter kids who normally attend another service, and those kids hit it off with each other. Those relationships wouldn't otherwise happen.
When I was a school teacher, I reflected often how quickly a classroom became an "us". Just by virtue of kids' being in the same room day in and day out, they got to know each other - not just names, but personalities, likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, natures and foibles. We enjoy no such luxury in church. Even though we do age groupings, we simply do not meet often enough or have enough informal time to let quality relationships develop. The average kid in our program comes to church about 2 times a month. In a year, that's about 35 hours with the other kids - as much time as they spend with their classmates in the first week of school. Or, in the first day and a half of camp. So, your child can spend as much time around church pals in one camp weekend as they would in nearly a year of coming to church. Sound like a good investment yet?
3. Camp provides opportunities for leaders and kids to bond. On top of time with other kids, leaders get a chance for incredible amounts of informal bonding time with kids. We are responsible for providing our own counselors at winter camp, and it's a responsibility we're glad to fill, as we believe that every kid needs a caring adult leader who is not their parent walking alongside them.
4. Camp is totally unplugged. Forest Home asks that kids leave iPods, video games and cell phones at home (and good luck getting cell phone reception up there anyhow), and the result is a tech-free weekend - for most kids, the first in a very long time. And you know what? Kids survive. They play. They talk. They make up games. They sing. And hopefully, they long for the next chance they'll have to escape modernity and re-enter a simpler environment.
5. Camp is unhurried. There's no practices to make, no homework to schedule, no drive-thru meals on the run to the next appointment. Camp has a schedule, but allows for ample free time too. It lets kids breathe.
6. Camp builds kids' confidence and autonomy. Some parents - and kids - worry that their son or daughter isn't ready for a weekend away. All I can do is refer to past experience, which shows that in nearly every case, kids come through with flying colors. This, in turn, increases their self-confidence and ability to make their own decisions. And you should want that. The way we train kids to make big decisions is to trust them to make little ones. The growing up process is filled with opportunities for parents to share and eventually hand over decision making. How will kids ever make a decision for Jesus when they have no experience managing any other aspect of their lives? They won't, and they can't. What they'll make instead is a decision that they think their caregivers want - but they don't own it. We bless our kids when we give them the space and opportunity to make decisions. Camp does that beautifully.
The nuts and bolts: Camp is January 30-February 1. We leave at 2:30 on Friday, which may necessitate taking your child out of school early that day. Please do this, as a timely arrival at camp is a must, and the later we leave, the more traffic we encounter as we travel north.
Camp costs $160, which includes lodging and meals, transportation, and t-shirt. Scholarships are available if you have a financial need. An $80 deposit is due when you sign up. Please discuss financial arrangements with us, the earlier the better. And if you would like to send a child to camp, please call us about donating to our scholarship fund.
Kids are housed either 7 or 9 to a cabin, with a leader from NCCC (most are leaders in our weekend or midweek programs). They are housed with other kids from our church and you can indicate a roommate preference on the sign-up form.
Camp will fill. We have had a waiting list the last three years, so make arrangements early and get your paperwork in. Once we have filled our spots (92), we can ask the camp if they will release more, however this is not guaranteed and last year we did have kids on the waiting list who didn't get to go. Camp paperwork is available in our classroom and at the church on the weekdays.
1. Camp experiences create memories. Last year, on the drive up, we were being goofy in the front of the bus, trying to keep the kids entertained on the 2+ hour bus ride, telling jokes and playing quiz games, when all of a sudden it became very quiet. It took me a few seconds to catch on - we had finally climbed to an elevation where the kids could see snow. This non-native Californian forgets every year what a big deal for these kids to see snow. Their faces reflect their amazement, and the fascination with snow never wears off the entire weekend, regardless of how dirty or wet they get.
Weather is just one of the reasons winter camp leaves a lasting imprint. For 48 hours, they get to exist in a kid-dominated (but still adult-structured) environment. Kids eat great food, sing fun songs, play lots of games, get to commandeer the bunk beds in their room, go on hikes, play outside, stay up late, and experience nature. It is an edifying experience and kids talk about it for months after they return.
Why is this a benefit? Because the week-to-week experience of church tends to blur. But camp is so different, so unique, that it can expose kids to God in a different environment than to what they've become accustomed. Just as kids' faith development is stunted if there is no "God talk" at home, but only in church, it helps kids to have a spiritual experience that's off their normal turf.
2. Camp builds and strengthens friendships. We have kids "meet" each other at camp who have been going to the same church and same class for literally years, yet never had the chance to develop a relationship. We have other kids who encounter kids who normally attend another service, and those kids hit it off with each other. Those relationships wouldn't otherwise happen.
When I was a school teacher, I reflected often how quickly a classroom became an "us". Just by virtue of kids' being in the same room day in and day out, they got to know each other - not just names, but personalities, likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, natures and foibles. We enjoy no such luxury in church. Even though we do age groupings, we simply do not meet often enough or have enough informal time to let quality relationships develop. The average kid in our program comes to church about 2 times a month. In a year, that's about 35 hours with the other kids - as much time as they spend with their classmates in the first week of school. Or, in the first day and a half of camp. So, your child can spend as much time around church pals in one camp weekend as they would in nearly a year of coming to church. Sound like a good investment yet?
3. Camp provides opportunities for leaders and kids to bond. On top of time with other kids, leaders get a chance for incredible amounts of informal bonding time with kids. We are responsible for providing our own counselors at winter camp, and it's a responsibility we're glad to fill, as we believe that every kid needs a caring adult leader who is not their parent walking alongside them.
4. Camp is totally unplugged. Forest Home asks that kids leave iPods, video games and cell phones at home (and good luck getting cell phone reception up there anyhow), and the result is a tech-free weekend - for most kids, the first in a very long time. And you know what? Kids survive. They play. They talk. They make up games. They sing. And hopefully, they long for the next chance they'll have to escape modernity and re-enter a simpler environment.
5. Camp is unhurried. There's no practices to make, no homework to schedule, no drive-thru meals on the run to the next appointment. Camp has a schedule, but allows for ample free time too. It lets kids breathe.
6. Camp builds kids' confidence and autonomy. Some parents - and kids - worry that their son or daughter isn't ready for a weekend away. All I can do is refer to past experience, which shows that in nearly every case, kids come through with flying colors. This, in turn, increases their self-confidence and ability to make their own decisions. And you should want that. The way we train kids to make big decisions is to trust them to make little ones. The growing up process is filled with opportunities for parents to share and eventually hand over decision making. How will kids ever make a decision for Jesus when they have no experience managing any other aspect of their lives? They won't, and they can't. What they'll make instead is a decision that they think their caregivers want - but they don't own it. We bless our kids when we give them the space and opportunity to make decisions. Camp does that beautifully.
The nuts and bolts: Camp is January 30-February 1. We leave at 2:30 on Friday, which may necessitate taking your child out of school early that day. Please do this, as a timely arrival at camp is a must, and the later we leave, the more traffic we encounter as we travel north.
Camp costs $160, which includes lodging and meals, transportation, and t-shirt. Scholarships are available if you have a financial need. An $80 deposit is due when you sign up. Please discuss financial arrangements with us, the earlier the better. And if you would like to send a child to camp, please call us about donating to our scholarship fund.
Kids are housed either 7 or 9 to a cabin, with a leader from NCCC (most are leaders in our weekend or midweek programs). They are housed with other kids from our church and you can indicate a roommate preference on the sign-up form.
Camp will fill. We have had a waiting list the last three years, so make arrangements early and get your paperwork in. Once we have filled our spots (92), we can ask the camp if they will release more, however this is not guaranteed and last year we did have kids on the waiting list who didn't get to go. Camp paperwork is available in our classroom and at the church on the weekdays.
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