Some Goals for Your 4th, 5th, or 6th grader

Last week I wrote about the Big Goal, helping kids draw near to God to love him now and for the rest of their lives. This closeness is especially important during times of important life decision making, which the next 10-15 years surely will be for them. And, I laid out some minor goals that we are striving for "in-room". But the fact remains that our "in-room" reach is so limited. We might have 20-30 hours of contact with the average kid in a year. What can be done in that kind of time?

The answer, fortunately, is not "nothing", but the extent of what a ministry program can do is often limited by the foundation a child brings to us. I can understand what Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 3, where he speaks of someone else building on the foundation that he laid. Churches are finish carpenters, not framers, and if the foundation is off or nonexistent, it's tough to do much finishing that will last, or matter.

So, I offer these things you can work to build in your child, that the "finishing" work of a church ministry might be maximized.

If your son or daughter is in 4th grade, you need to train them in how to make decisions. Lives are the products of millions of decisions. We reap what we sow. Everything from major life decisions - marriage, career, education, raising kids, buying a house - to mundane, everyday decisions end up shaping who we are and where we're going. Why is this spiritually significant? A teenage boy once told me, "I think becoming a Christian is one decision for Jesus, but living the Christian life is like a million decisions for Jesus." Good stuff. We are wanting kids to make a huge decision that will affect the course of their whole lives - a decision to follow Christ. How can they if they otherwise control nothing about their own lives because they never make a decision for themselves?

Here are some things I think a 4th grader can be reasonably trained and expected to do. A 4th grader should be able to keep their room clean and perform a regular set of home chores. A 4th grader should be able to order for themselves at a restaurant, including speaking to the waiter or waitress. They should be able, unless there are special circumstances, to complete their own homework (unless the work is genuinely too difficult, in which case the school should be asked to justify the assignment). They should be able to make basic spending decisions (with prudent guidelines that teach them to save for the future and give; a simple formula like save 10%, give 10%, and spend 80% is a good habit to ingrain). They should participate in the planning of their birthday party (not just selecting the theme and leaving all the work to you!). They should be able to engage with an adult in a conversation, something some kids don't learn to do because their parents have a habit of answering for them. And please, please, please - your child (well before 4th grade) should know their full address and phone number. I understand that no one writes letters anymore, but for safety's sake if nothing else, your child needs to know where they come from and where home is.

They should, at this age, be learning to work in groups. Group work, in which same-age peers plan a project, divide the work, and see it through to completion without adult management, is so valuable in teaching them how to communicate, how to manage their own feelings, and how to get along. If your child's school is not giving kids opportunities to do group projects, ask why not. The bottom line: kids learn to make good decisions by being trusted to make decisions.

If your son or daughter is in 5th grade, this is the year you need to open up a dialogue about sex, puberty, and dating. Swallow hard if you must. Notice that I didn't tell you to have "The Talk". I think that as pervasive as pre-marital and extra-marital sex is in our culture today, one talk will never be enough if you want to ensure that your child has both correct information and develops healthy values here. Some parents fret about the "right" time to address it, but if you're committed to opening a dialogue, having impeccable timing about "The Talk" isn't so important. What's more important to know is that kids up to a certain age are vaguely aware of sex, and after a certain age - and for some reason this seems to be during 5th grade - most are curious about it and ready to have those conversations.

Fortunately, I can suggest some resources. I've heard good things about the "God's Design for Sex" series, which is four books intended to be used starting when your child is a preschooler. Book 2 is recommended for ages 5-8 while Book 3, "What's the Big Deal, Why God Cares About Sex" is targeted at pre-teens. Then the 4th book, "Facing the Facts: The Truth About Sex and You" is designed for young teenagers. You might blush when you look at some of the chapter headings in Book 4, but the whole point is that if you've used the series up until then, you will have created a climate where there is no shame and embarrassment for either you or your child when it comes to the most intense subjects.

Another friend in preteen ministry recommends "The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls", part of the "American Girl" series, for use with girls. And for boys, you can pick up the "Every Man" contribution, which is "Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle." The thing I like about that book is that it is written as a series of simulated conversations, so the person who "doesn't know what to say" can see exactly what they might say. All of these titles can be ordered from our church bookstore.

And if your son or daughter is in 6th grade, this is the year you need to help them build a network of Christian friends. Sixth graders are already socially conscious and this will intensify through 7th, 8th, and 9th grades, until they've found their niche in high school and some of the identity crisis subsides, when "Who Am I?" can be answered "I am just like all of my friends, and they're..." A preteen, when invited to one of our events, will want to know "What are we going to do there?" A junior high kid wants to know, "Who else is going to be there?" You want your child to leave 6th grade and move into the junior high ministry with a solid group of friends and acquaintences at church so that their continued participation in Junior High and High School ministry is a given.

How do you do this? By exposing them to as many church peers as often as possible. When we get large turnout for an event, I rejoice. Why? Because it made the effort worth it? OK, yes, I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of it. But I also know that when large numbers of kids are brought together, the chances are good that everyone who came was able to find at least one "buddy" to share the night with. There's a lot of mileage in laughter and shared experience that can be re-lived the next Sunday at church, and that makes kids look forward to the next event. Paintball welts hurt, but when boys are eager to come to church to show them off to each other, that's worth it. Girls may be grumpy the day after an all-nighter, but that trip to the karaoke machine or game of Apples to Apples may be just enough to break the ice between her and a new best friend. I don't believe kids should only have Christian friends. Not at all! But there are too many kids who have no Christian friends. That's a problem, and if not addressed, three to four years later you're going to face resistance on the issue of going to church. Trust me, even if your child now goes willingly, the day is coming when Who Else Is There will be consideration #1. So the best thing you can do is involve them now, deeply, when that's easy to do.

And one more thing: let me clarify what I mean by "Christian friends". By "friend" I mean someone your child would actually call and associate with outside of church - sleepovers, birthday parties, days at the beach, etc. Friendships at this age, especially for boys, center around shared experiences, so while you (an adult) may have friends from church that you share a meaningful connection with even though your only encounters are church-related, kid friendships don't work that way. That is something we hope they will grow towards with each other, but first there needs to be lots of time together. Secondly, by "Christian" I mean really that they have parents who are working toward the same goal you are. Normally I wouldn't use the word in that way, but the truth is, the label a child chooses for him or herself is less important than the orientation being assumed for them by their parents. All of this points to the need to bring parents of same-age kids in the church together, and we're working at that, but a simple measure might be whether you can name four other families from our church whose kids attend the same school your kids do. If you can, great - connect with those families. If not, time to start inviting, and time to focus on helping your kid get to know those who are here. Ask them who they know and who they like being with at church. And bring them, bring them, bring them, because being known is important in a large church.

I have lots of ideas about how we can build what I call, "the Greater Christian Community" in North County among kids and families, some of which involve networking with other churches. But all the organization in the world won't matter until parents are committed to the idea that their child needs Christian friends.

The Measure of Our Success

A new school year begins in August. The new fiscal year starts January 1. But the new ministry year, with the promotion of 6th graders to junior high and the welcoming of a new 4th grade class this weekend, has just begun.

If you're new to this site or the newsletter that links to it, what you're reading is an important part of our effort to bridge the common, and frankly inexcusable, gap that exists between parents and the church. Parents and churches have a relationship based on trust, but it's curious because often neither one knows what it is being trusted to do. For instance, take the common refrain, "Parents are the primary disciplers of their children." That's ok as a philosophy, but it doesn't tell me anything about how you feel about it. Do you relish it? Feel under-equipped? Overwhelmed and under-motivated? Find it interesting? Rewarding? Dull? Maybe you feel as if you don't have enough of a foundation yourself to pass on to your kids, especially if you weren't raised in a Christian home. Maybe you just don't think about it at all.

And from our side, too, the assumptions don't always match the reality. You may wonder: what exactly do they do in there? Are my kids learning? Are they behaving? Who is working with them? If we invest our time in this, will it be worth it?

This blog started in January 2007 along with its companion, the half-sheet HomePage which gets handed to kids on their way out the door each week, in order to establish a line of communication between our ministry and the parents of the kids we minister to. For my part, I wanted parents to know what kids were learning, and see if couldn't provide a little fodder for discussion in the hopes that each kid could have another go at thinking and verbalizing about the subject of that weekend. I was also tired of hearing, "We would have come to that - if we had known" - which confirmed my suspicion that most of the paper handed out in class never gets into the hands of the people who really need to see it. And, finally, I wanted to communicate to you as parents that we think seriously about issues regarding spiritual development of children and teenagers.

But the measure of our success does not lie in establishing mechanisms like these. Blogs and e-mails are only a tool, and even if they were read and heeded fully and regularly, we still could not claim "success" because ministry is about more than turning kids out for events or bringing them back Sunday after Sunday.

So what is success, and how do I try to orient the 4th-5th-6th grade ministry towards it? For starters, I am driven by the compelling statistic that 70% of kids raised in the church walk away from their faith as young adults. That is simply not good enough. And so, obviously, the ultimate measure of our success has to be how many kids are in love with God and remain in love with him all of their lives. I have never been comfortable with a conception of children's ministry as a place where "foundation" is laid, where knowledge is merely "banked" for later access. I believe the argument that "hopefully someday it will make sense to them" is a cop-out. I believe kids and pre-teens and teenagers can have a vibrant, life-giving relationship with the Lord right now, and that in fact, if they don't have that there will be a real price to pay.

What this means, of course, is that "success" with a kid is a slippery thing to measure. You may succeed over one school year, but five years later, that kid has drifted away. A kid may be super-cooperative and participatory on a given week, and be a pill the next six weeks. A young girl may be sweet and pleasant, but there are circumstances in her life that are hardening her heart - look out, because the crash is coming.

What I am saying is that we - as churches and parents of pre-teens - must assume a very long-term perspective because these are, after all, human beings who will live long lives and be influenced in countless ways and hopefully also be influencers for good. They are not just the project of the moment. We should capitalize on the period of direct impact we have on them but also realize our responsibility is life-long. So, I'm not only interested in the answers they give today but also the answers they'll give when they're 16. Who they say Jesus is today matters some, but who they say he is when they're 20 matters much more. If I ask them to articulate what they value and God makes the top five, that's great, but I'm also concerned about where he ranks over the next ten years.

Much of this, I know, depends on these kids staying "in the process", and so, the more 6th graders who move up to Junior High and stay involved, the better. And then in two more years, I'll have my eye on the number who successfully transition into high school. Beyond graduation, they'll need to find their own fellowship and growth environment, something we in churches have done a poor job preparing them to do. Of course, a huge factor in their future spiritual vitality hinges on who they choose to date and ultimately marry. 4th-6th grade is too young for them to get that, so I have to hope that it gets taught and internalized when the time is right.

Whether a kid walks with Christ and continues that walk is ultimately the only thing that matters. Badges and star charts do not. Screams and shrieks of excitement fade. Laughter is good, but humor doesn't transform. Everything we do must point kids in the direction of a relationship with Christ, or we are spinning our wheels.

In service of that long-term goal, here are some short-term ones:

• Can kids work with others, cooperate toward a common goal, persevere together, resolve conflicts among themselves, and share credit while refraining from blaming or alibis?
• Do the kids exhibit a progressively deeper curiosity and sense of awe about spiritual things? Kids are naturally curious - what are we doing to help answer the questions they're already asking, and to stimulate new ones?
• Do the kids display genuine respect and affection towards their leaders? I know when a leader is making an impact when kids ask where they are on weeks that they're gone.
• Are the kids excited about being together? Do they have a group of peers at church who are becoming friends?
• Do kids' answers to questions evidence a growing sophistication of thought (something we definitely notice in the spring of the year, when everybody in our room is the "oldest" they'll be before promotion)? Can they go beyond one-word or pat responses to express spiritual truths or their personal beliefs?

Finally, here are some things we as a pre-teen ministry believe:

• That ministry approaches must be age-appropriate and relevant to be effective.
• That learning is an active, constructive process. I cannot transplant my own understanding into their brain, but I can walk alongside as they gain understanding, to help shape it.
• That pre-teens are understudied, under-resourced, little understood and as a result, often inappropriately ministered to.
• That parents are eager for practical help in parenting kids in this age group.
• That the spiritual life is nurtured primarily through the home, and that church ministry can be a supplement, but not a substitute.

Long-term perspective in so very important in ministry to kids. Rome wasn't built in a day, and your kid won't reach spiritual maturity just by knowing a bunch of right answers. So, settle in for the long haul. Get your kid to church every week, enroll him or her in as many outside activities as you can, help them build a network of Christian friends (now), and let's do ministry together.

Kids Say the Right-est Things

A young child declares to you that "Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for our sins." Now the ball is in your court: what do you say in response?

I'm convinced the key to great discipleship lies in the answer. This weekend and every weekend millions of questions were thrown out in Sunday school classrooms around the globe. I wonder how many of them created exchanges that led to real spiritual understanding?

I don't normally get the chance to dialogue with preschoolers (on anything, much less religion) as they're about six years younger than my age group. But on my recent vacation, I had ample time with this age set, including a little "exploring" session with my nephew, who is five. The occasion was my parents' 40th wedding anniversary and family reunion, and the setting was a restored farmstead redeveloped to accommodate groups like ours. On the grounds was a relocated one-room schoolhouse and a country church - which of course made for irresistible exploring territory.

Inside the church we spotted a banner with a giant heart shape covering the front of a cross. Wanting to gauge his perceptiveness after a year of Christian pre-school, I innocently asked, "Why is there a cross on it?" To which he responded, in a nearly exasperated tone, "Because Jesus died on da cross…to pay da price for our sins." He didn't say it, but his tone said, "dummy." Which I deserved, for underestimating him.

His response left me with a number of options. I could have left it alone - he had, after all, answered the question. I could have slathered him with praise: "R-i-g-h-t! You're such a good listener in school!" I could have asked him to tell me where he learned that, to see if I could ply any more details about the setting and context from him. I could have asked him if he knew any songs or stories about the cross. Or, I could have played dumb and asked more follow-up questions.

I opted for a last approach, which was to ask, "What are 'sins'?" in a way as if I'd never heard the word before - one of my favorite techniques because it makes kids feel important when they believe they're telling a grown-up something they don't know. As it turns out, my question only elicited, "Umm…they're bad things," before his five-year-old brain shifted to other things. But the point isn't that I chose the perfect follow-up. The point is that we ought to follow up more often when kids deliver right responses, and we ought to give real attention and deliberate effort to the way in which we follow up, rather than meeting those answers with either silence or praise.

The trouble with letting an answer be (ignoring the response or moving on and changing the subject) is that it communicates to the kid that what they've said really wasn't terribly interesting or worth further comment. Adults sometimes accept "right answers" as affirmation that teaching is "getting through" (as in, whew, they're getting it). But a correctly-phrased response doesn't necessarily indicate that at all. Kids are often asked to say words that mean a great deal to adults but little to them. The only way to know for sure that there is understanding behind the words they've spoken is to probe deeper. You want to get kids to flesh out their own understanding by attaching words to the ideas they hold. Just as writing a book or an essay (or this blog) forces an author to organize and hone their thinking, so can conversation do that, in a less formal way.

The second common, but perhaps even more flawed, response by adults when kids give "right answers" is to pour on the praise: Good job! Wow! Right on! Yes! You're so smart! and on and on. Now what on earth could be wrong with praising a child, you ask? Well, bear with me. The instinct to want to praise kids when they've performed well is well-founded. We want kids to feel good about their accomplishments, and we want them to be positively reinforced so they'll be likely to run/jump/write/answer/act/try/or whatever in an exemplary way the next time. The problem comes when praise acts like a straightjacket. Authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish identified this in their book, How to Talk So Kids Can Learn at Home and at School, where they point out that labels, both negative and positive, force kids into playing roles. One becomes "the funny one", another is "lazy", another is "shy", another is "really responsible". Faber and Mazlish advise against hanging labels on kids, even positive ones, because there is an implied "always" quality about them that shapes kids' behavior long after we pronounced it to be so. Thus, it's ok to point out particular instances of responsibility or kindness or maturity, as long as it's not generalized: "When you set the table without being asked, that really helped me," instead of, "You're so responsible and grown up. I can always count on you." The distinction may seem slight. But one identifies and casts value on particular actions; the other makes kids out to be the product of their actions, and in so doing, pronounces value on the child.

I would suggest that the kind of praise we commonly dish out in Sunday schools has the same effect as a label in that it creates a category of responses that are acceptable and that will either a. earn a reward or b. get me out of having to answer any more questions. Savvy Sunday school goers figure this out: say "God" or "Jesus" in answer to a question and you're bound to be right 80% of the time, while "We should obey God" and "We should be nice to others" are reliable standbys for answering any personal application question. Of course, we should obey God and we should be nice to others, but even a preschooler is not to young to be asked how they might do that. And it may take them considerable time to formulate a real-life example, and they may answer wrongly, and sometimes they genuinely may not know how it is that a five-year-old (much less a ten-year-old) is supposed to obey God, in which case we'll need to map it out with them. But isn't that what we want - for them to connect some abstract, nice-sounding idea to the way they live? Isn't that why they're there? Or is it to earn some star or point or prize or make a grown-up gush?

The alternative to praising answers is not criticism or dismissal ("You're just a kid, you don't even know what you're talking about"), but engagement. Coming back to a child and asking them to clarify ("What did you mean when you said…"), substantiate ("Can you give me an example of where you think that's true?"), elaborate ("Say more about that…"), or defend something they've just said is very validating to them. When you answer their answer with a question, you've dignified their statement. You've opened a dialogue. Discipleship happens here.

When kids express themselves, we should never regard those expressions as final - for good or for bad. Consider two kids: one declaring that Jesus was the Son of God, and another saying Jesus might not be the only way to heaven. Both are giving us insights into their present understanding. We would surely use the second kid's assertion as a teachable moment, to dialogue about the means of salvation, rather than shutting him down with "you're wrong". So why are we so quick to shut down the first child with "Right!"?

The more kids are willing to talk, the more malleable they remain. I have a better chance of influencing a teenager who is willing to tell me he's tempted to have sex with his girlfriend than one who feels he cannot admit being tempted because he's taken a high-profile pledge for purity. A similar factor was at work in Jesus' parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector (Luke 18). The tax collector, with little to lose, confessed all and cried to God for mercy and was justified; the Pharisee, with a public face to save, could only boast of his own righteousness and pray deceptively. May we never box kids into that corner because we've praised them onto a pedestal.

The bottom line is that we need to learn to dialogue with kids. And that's hard because kids and adults are locked into well-defined roles that govern our communication. Most of the time when an adult asks a child a question, it is to judge them: Did you clean your room? Have you finished your homework? What is the capital of Oregon? A more collaborative style of communication, where adults are alongside kids helping them figure out problems, mysteries, and projects rather than quizzing them, lends itself to the sorts of questions that will help grow our kids' faith, in a way that stickers and trinkets never will.

What do we do when kids are saying all the right things? How do we respond in a way that encourages their curiosity, that they will continue to question and wonder and speculate? In short, how do we get them to think? Then they might regard God as intriguing and fascinating and worthy of their attention, a bigness not easily fathomed or readily reduced to easy formulations. They might just want to know him.