Who Cares About Hurting Kids?

"Whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matt. 25:40

Who are the least of us when it comes to children? Some people would say children themselves, because of their dependent status. But there are lots of benefits to being a kid, too. Some would say those who live in poverty, or AIDS orphans in Third World countries. Hard to argue with that. But what about right here, in Carlsbad-Encinitas-Oceanside USA? Who is it that's needing the care, the touch, the attention - crying out, if perhaps not audibly?

Turns out the hurting ones aren't so obvious because we see them every day. They are the kids who are privately grieving the loss of a parent or other family member or the break-up of their mom and dad's marriage. Too often that grief goes unprocessed.

Just this week CNN reported on a study showing the long-term negative health effects of divorce. These are important considerations - the stress of losing a spouse to divorce or death produces a 20 percent higher rate of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. But, at least those effects are measurable. Children, whose bodies are healthier, aren't likely to develop the same detrimental health conditions - and that can work against them.

A healthy body is only one reason kids will suffer in silence. Another factor that causes us to assume "they're doing ok" is the lack of outward emotional response when asked how they're feeling. But don't let that reticence fool you. "Good" or "ok" is more a sign of an under-developed emotional vocabulary than it is a true picture of how they're handling things. The truth is that kids usually don't know how they're doing. They don't have the life experience to know what is normal. They can vaguely sense when things are "good" or "not good", but in time, even the bad or wrong can become the norm, and then how will they answer the question?

Giving kids the emotional language to express pain is part of what a new program at NCCC, "Growing Seasons", is all about. We've known for some time that this is a hole in what we offer to children and families. It's good to be concerned about the kids touched by divorce and death in our midst - we have lots of them. It's better to identify them and come alongside, to tell them we care and offer to listen. But it's best to put together a structured, proven program run by trained facilitators who have a strategy for helping kids grow through grief.

That's where we need your help. Growing Seasons is now looking for its first class of adult facilitators. If you care about kids who are hurting, have a love for God and people, and can commit one night a week for a period of 10-12 weeks, you may be in a position to help grieving kids. The program is being run by Pam Douty of our counseling department and Kathy Dimoff, who recently retired after a career in school psychology. Pam and Kathy have explored a few programs and found Growing Seasons to be the best fit for our church. The groups, when they're launched, will be made up of no more than five kids, and have two adult facilitators per group. The program will serve kids ages four through 6th grade.

You will be equipped by the training to take kids through the course. And you'll be blessed as see kids begin to open up and process through the hurt, anger, disappointment, blame, and loss that's been buried inside. Our church's hope is to launch the first set of groups this fall, which means the time to recruit and train is now.

The second way in which you can help is by spreading the word once this program has launched. Of course, this program is open to any child, regardless of where or whether their family attends church. If you have a child who has experienced death or divorce, Growing Seasons may be right for them. Again, don't assume that because they look ok or say they're ok that they are ok. The ability to "bounce back" after disappointing or disadvantageous life events is called "resiliency", and we know some about how it develops, but we know that it's unevenly distributed across the human race. Grief isn't always sadness. It can displace as anger, aggression, withdrawal, fear, distractability and inattention, neediness, or moodiness. Pam Douty can help you decide if Growing Seasons would be appropriate for your child.

Who cares about hurting kids? Everyone should. But in dealing with a group that doesn't know its own emotions and may need special help to process them, caring doesn't go far enough. We owe it to kids to give them the very best - the very best listeners, the most understanding friends, the best-trained facilitators, and the best-informed helpers when it comes to helping kids get through (a better phrase than "get over") death and divorce. Loss hurts, but it shouldn't have to disable. We know how to help kids - are you willing?

To find out more about becoming a facilitator in the Growing Seasons program, contact Pam Douty at 760-929-0029 x314 or Kathy Dimoff, 760-942-3457.