The amount of variation within the 4th-6th grade age range is pretty vast. The problem isn't that we're comprised of three grades, really: even if we were only charged with ministering to one grade there would still be a gulf between the most mature and the least mature in the bunch. That's the nature of this age range, and it explains why 4th graders and 6th graders can be friends, but also why an 11-year-old boy can be content to ride his bike around one day, be talking with his friends about girls the next day, and be asking to go to Legoland the day after that!
In talking to parents, however, it has been noted again and again that a real change happens once kids hit sixth grade. Much of this is due to the fact that some school districts (not all) send their sixth graders up to middle schools. The new challenges of managing relationships with several different teachers, being a really small fish in a big pond, and encountering units on world religions in social studies make sixth grade a bridge year for many students. It was out of this reality that our newest class, "PG-13", was born.
PG-13 will be offered this fall on Wednesday nights. Borrowing a page from the successful Mother-Daughter class that happened last spring, the first half of the class time will be spent with parents only, while the second half will bring parents and kids together for activities and dialogue meant to raise awareness and prepare parents and kids - as a team - to navigate the sometimes rocky road of adolescence.
PG-13 is not a class about puberty. It's more about the consequences of the package of changes that come with adolescence - changes in friendships, family dynamics, moods, and values and goals. Our hope is to give parents and kids a chance to get real with one another, as well as start the journey of adolescence out on the right foot.
We start with the premise that the prevailing, stereotypical model of parent-teenager relationships is deficient. But, it's little wonder - if you go into parenting an adolescent expecting that they're going to end up hating you, you're likely to get just that. Does teenagerhood bring stressors and issues into the family that weren't there when kids were sweet six- and seven-year-olds? Sure. But we refuse to believe the parent-child relationship is destined for war. In fact, we'd better not believe that. Parents remain, through their child's adolescence, the most willing, consistent, and persistent influences in a child's life. It's just that the way they exercise that influence has to change. That's because a major developmental task (think of it as the "work") of adolescence is for a child to develop their distinct, individual identity and to exercise greater and greater degrees of autonomy, gradually owning more of his or her own life. So at the same time as parents retain the position of authority and Influencer-In-Chief, the one subjected to that influence and authority is preparing to find their own way.
So a major focus of PG-13 is teaching parents the art of leading their kids from the side, so that more and more responsibility is given away yet parents and kids remain close enough that love and guidance are readily dispensed, and received. The other paradox parents of teenagers work under is this one: great numbers of teenagers complain that their parents "don't understand them", yet for the parents' part, "He/She won't talk to me!" We untangle this by exploring the changes - physical, social, emotional, moral, and spiritual - that are common to all adolescents, at the same time recognizing that development follows no strict timetable in any given individual. Here's where techniques to show love and invest specifically in your child (starting with the 45 minute parent/child time, but not ending there) will lead down the road of knowing your child and how they're wired. We'll teach you how to be an encourager. We'll talk about dealing with moods and attitudes, since both can rear their ugly heads ferociously and sometimes for the first time in early adolescence (leaving you to wonder, "What happened to my kid?"). We'll talk about peer pressure and the changing nature of friendships as kids get older and how to communicate with each other in a way that solves problems rather than escalating them.
What can be accomplished in six, 90-minute sessions? While we acknowledge that it's only a start, and there are far more resources and topics that we could delve into than we have time for - still, well-begun is half done. If all that happens is that parents find a sympathetic ear in other parents who are also a little apprehensive about the brave new world of parenting a middle schooler, we will have done some good. If, on top of that, we can equip parents with some insights that help them understand young adolescents in general and their own child in particular, and they begin to get a grasp of what it is to lead from the side, that's even better. If we succeed in building some experiences that lead to a closer, deeper relationship between you and your pre-teen - better still. But if we can turn out a class of parents who get what it is to exercise constructive influence, so that they actually look forward to parenting teenagers, parents who become evangelists for the idea that we can replace the worn-out parent-teen model of alienation and conflict with a model of warmth, support, and engagement - well, now we're talkin'.
And please don't think that PG-13 is only for parents who are wading into the waters of parenting an adolescent for the very first time. If your sixth grader is a middle child or the youngest, you just might have the answer or be the resource that someone else in the room needs. Everyone can benefit from insight on things like being an active listener, or learning your child's love language, or handling someone else's strong emotions. PG-13 is for veterans as well as novices.
It's also not restricted just to sixth graders, even though the class emerged from discussions pertaining to their experience. Any kid in fourth or fifth grade may benefit, too, and there's nothing in the class that should make you squeamish - it's more a question of relevancy, and generally speaking, a fourth or fifth grader doesn't live in the same social dynamic as a sixth grader (particularly at school).
One more note: unlike the Mother-Daughter class, this class can work with parents and kids of opposite genders. Ideally moms and dads would both attend, but if schedules don't allow that, it's perfectly appropriate for a mom and son to attend together, or a dad and his daughter.
In coming weeks I'll detail in this space the other fall offerings on Wednesday nights, including another class on parenting for which NCCC has been chosen as a pilot site. It's a class I know is going to bring great relief to many households. And for 4th-6th graders, STEAM is about to re-start (September 16) with a slate of neat electives, some returning from last year and others brand new.
As I complete my second full year at the church and my third summer, I remain convinced that churches' support of parents and their growth is the key to kids' spiritual growth. PG-13 won't meet every need, but we hope it's a step in the right direction, something that dispels fears of middle school, strengthens the bond between you and your growing-up child, gives parents and kids the skills to deal with new challenges, and gives parents hope and the confidence that they need not fear adolescence. Rather, we hope they'll embrace it as a singular opportunity to work with kids who want to be treated as adults, aren't yet, but soon will be.
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
