That difference points to the importance of network. Last week I wrote about identity as one marker of spiritual growth. As kids grow in their
appreciation of what it means for someone to identify as a Christian, it’s both
a sign that they are growing spiritually and a good indication that their
growth will continue. Likewise, the development of a network of friends at church indicates both growth and the
likelihood of future growth.
In a way, network is an extension of the concept of
identity, and that’s why its importance is really hard to overstate. We tend to
associate ourselves not only with those who are like-minded, but with those who
match the profile of how we perceive ourselves. We will become like those we
hang out with.
When kids are young, their primary influences are Mom and
Dad. Lots of time is readily spent among family members, and that’s why we tend
almost unthinkingly to absorb the values and worldview of our parents. But as
kids grow up, the peer group takes the place of the nuclear family in shaping identity.
Are there exceptions? Are there families where time spent among friends doesn’t
come to monopolize an older teenager’s life? Yes – but they are rare.
(A strong qualification is in order here. It’s often
asserted that when it comes to influencing decisions, peers take the place of parents during the
teenage years. Don’t buy it. Support for that is shaky. Years ago, Search
Institute found that teenagers said they were still more likely to turn to
parents for advice on serious issues, or if they were in trouble, or if they
needed to make a big decision, than they were likely to turn to peers. Maybe
the best that can be said is that teenagers tend to consciously turn to friends for guidance, and on matters that
affect their day-to-day conduct but that are relatively minor in the vast
scheme of things. Parental influence, having been in place since birth,
continues to unconsciously shape us, and is considered more valuable when it
comes to the big issues of life. That’s provided, of course, that parents haven’t
entirely retreated and remain available and willing to be consulted. As kids
grow up, they still need their parents; they
just need them in a different way.)
Does this mean, then, that kids should only have Christian friends? Emphatically, no. Christians are
supposed to be salt and light to the world, and kids absolutely can be this influence to their friends. Raising kids
entirely away from the influence of the world is nearly impossible, and even if
it were possible, it wouldn’t be a great idea, because a world that’s entirely
sanitized is a world that perceives no need for Jesus. The kids I’ve known who
have the most zeal for impacting their friends are neither those who’ve been
ruthlessly sheltered nor those who’ve been surrendered entirely to worldly
influences. Instead, these world-changers are wise, having both an appreciation of the depths of the world’s need
for God and the optimism that God is more than able to solve the world’s
problems.
So here is the generalization – and admittedly, it’s a
generalization: As teenagers, your kids
will likely adopt the values and outlook of those they spend the most time
with.
There are many candidates for that role, and each resides in
separate circles I call networks. We all have networks of affiliations across
the many spheres of our lives. You have a work network, a family network, and a
neighborhood network. Your kids have a school network (or, if they’re in a
middle school that switches classes, a separate network in each class), sports
team networks, after-school friend networks, club networks, etc. Sometimes, we
ourselves are the only common denominator among our various networks. Imagine
you threw a party, inviting everyone you knew, and everyone showed up. Some of
us would have lots of overlap, so that the people we work with and play with,
for instance, would already know each other and have plenty to talk about. But
I suspect for most of us, that would be a very busy party, as we worked to make
introductions among the disparate spheres who knew nothing about each other.
The hope, for your kid’s sake, would be 1) that they develop
a network of church friends, and 2) that those friends would become some of
their closest friends. How do we make this happen? Time! Not just time spent at
services and events, but time spent together. I am convinced that one of the
best intangibles that can come out of
a kid’s involvement in a preteen ministry is the development of a
supportive friend network. We make a mistake if we think this “just happens.”
It doesn’t, any more than you’ve become friends with the person who sits four rows ahead of you, whose face you recognize but whom you don't know. Friendships develop
intentionally, and sometimes at this age kids don’t yet have the social skills
to make friendship sticky. To them, a friend is someone who likes to do the same stuff
as you; friendships built around taking a mutual interest in one another requires
more maturity.
So we must make big church small, and we must teach and
encourage kids to develop
friendships. On the whole, I think a large church is a great advantage, because
the chance that everyone can find their niche is better. But the danger does
exist that we’ll remain a bunch of islands (our 4th-6th
grade ministry is made up of kids from about 75 different public, private and
home schools). Ask your son or daughter: who do they know? Who are they getting
to know? And model this yourself – how strong is your own network within the
church?
Even if kids have just one
good friend at church, that can make all the difference as they age into
junior high and high school ministry. Ideally, we all as Christians would have a core
of close friends to lean on when we’re going through the tough stuff. That
adolescence involves more than its share of tough stuff – at least in the
perception of those going through it – is all the more reason that building and
strengthening that network is vital when kids are preteens.
