Teaching Kids to Make Peace

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God. (Matthew 5:9)

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)

If the above verses are true, and Christians believe them, then churches should be the most peaceful places in the world, right? There should be no infighting, no factions, no gossip or hurt feelings. Churches should never split and no one should ever feel manipulated or abused. Moreover, those who go to churches should experience far less conflict in their lives than everyone else - fewer divorces, less sibling rivalry, fewer arguments with spouses, less hassle at work.

So, where's the disconnect? If you're not already laughing to yourself because you know how absurd this is, consider that many people who weren't raised in churches or don't go to church do conceive of churches in this way, as places where the normal conflicts, heartaches, and frustrations most of us experience in dealing with others simply don't exist.

That's a fantasy, of course, and nowhere do I see scripture promising that a body of people grounded in Jesus will be delivered from conflict. What can happen, though, is that when Biblical principles are diligently applied to group life, the severity and intensity of conflicts can be greatly lessened. Put another way, we can be taught to work through conflict in a way that salvages the dignity of everyone involved. But it is taught, not innate.

I get impatient with people who expect that in churches, every potential conflict needs to be backed away from, that we should all just "play nice" because it's wrong to advocate for what you need. For a long time I held this avoidance mindset, and in some ways I still do. But the result isn't peace. The result is frustration, as you and I ignore issues and pretend there's no conflict, all to preserve a peaceful veneer. And similarly, I get frustrated with any non-believer who would play the "Christian card", suggesting that I should always be the first to back down and accept mistreatment "because you're religious."

No. Being a doormat is not making peace, it's - being a doormat. And sometimes I wonder how kids like it when we tell them to just "forgive and forget" or "turn the other cheek" or "say you're sorry" but we don't help them work through what is making them mad or sad or frustrated. Do we unwittingly communicate that to be a Christian is to be passive, to accept abuse? Or, do they end up dismissing our counsel as nice-sounding, but totally impractical?

I am surprised again and again how many kids will say that cheating in a game isn't wrong if someone cheated against them first, or that revenge is justified, or (this one from boys, usually) that hitting is ok if needed to demonstrate to someone the intensity of your displeasure (and I'm astounded how many will cite Jesus in the temple in defense of acting in anger!). But maybe I shouldn't be surprised. When we don't give kids tools to deal with conflict, the emotion behind the problem will boil to the surface eventually. Kids are just speaking what they know to be true: it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and kids who don't fight fire with fire will get taken advantage of. Kids quickly learn, at home and at school: you have to be willing to fight.

But can we teach them a better way? What if we could start with the gospel and teach kids the skills to resolve conflicts peacefully? What if we could teach them how to get along with their siblings (not just exhort them to "be nice")? To persevere through friendship squabbles so they didn't have a different best friend every week? What if they were equipped to mediate between peers? To deal with bullying? What if a core of kids was trained well enough to take this into schools and train others?

Would you be for it? (Some of you were on board as soon as I mentioned sibling rivalry.) There is a program put out by Peacemaker Ministries (www.peacemaker.net) whose goal it is to teach people the skills of Biblical conflict resolution. It's been adapted for kids and for teens, too, and the elementary-level version, for grades 3-7, will be a part of our midweek program this fall.

From the Peacemaker perspective, learning to live with one another - in families, in marriages, in friendships, and in workplaces - is the essence of the gospel. Consider this from Dr. Alfred Poirier, chairman of the board at Peacemaker: "The gospel is not just an entrance door and an exit door: ‘Christ’s death…got me into the kingdom, and when I die I will go to heaven.’ The gospel also concerns what happens in between, in a minute-by-minute, moment-by-moment living dynamic. At its core, the gospel is about reconciliation—not only with God, but also with one another."

And what I especially like about the Peacemaker program is the theology it brings to teaching conflict resolution. The president of Peacemaker Ministries, Ken Sande, said in an interview with byFaith magazine, “The longer I have been involved in peacemaking, the more I have realized the focus must be on the gospel and not on the ‘shoulds.’ Our focus must be on what God has already done for us—forgiving us for our sins, freeing us from the bondage of sin, and empowering us through the power of Christ to live out the gospel in a practical, everyday manner." Sande's insight deserves to be read again: "The focus must be on the gospel and not on the 'shoulds'." When we tell people - kids, adults, whoever - to do something, like forgive, make peace, love one another, but we don't teach them how, we haven't really taught them anything.

The Young Peacemaker will be an elective for kids this fall. (More on the format of our new midweek program and its electives next week.) It does require a commitment. The series is 12 weeks and obviously one week builds on the next. But for a 12-week commitment and $15 materials fee, your kid will learn skills and principles that will follow them for life.

For more on the necessity of teaching peacemaking, start here with Peacemaking: A Key to Socializing Children, an article by Ken Sande. From there, you can explore the rest of the Peacemaker website.