Mind the Wind

We have a lot more at our new building. More space. More families. More time on Sunday morning. And more wind, which got me thinking the other day about the problems kids face and how we measure "ok".

Because we're at a higher elevation now, on a plateau and without the windbreak of I-5 at our back, we suddenly feel a lot more wind than we did before. And so it was that on a Saturday morning, as our facilities crew was setting out tables in advance of Saturday evening's all-church BBQ, the wind started playing games. The guys would cover each round table with a red tablecloth, and minutes later a gust of wind would blow it off. The tablecloth was replaced, and straightened, and left just so - and then the wind kicked up just enough to throw it off again. A heavy centerpiece? Nope, the edges of the tablecloth still blew up and settled on the tabletop. Finally the crew settled it the only way possible - they recognized the wind's persistence, folded up the coverings, set them in the middle of the table, and dealt with it later.

There are many ways you could read this as a metaphor - like your kids' ability to push your button at just the right time, again and again. Or it could be used to illustrate the idea, "Don't sweat the small stuff" - don't feel you have react to every issue, let kids handle the small ones and step in when kids are stuck or about to get hurt or ask for your help. But what I saw in the tables was kids, as they develop and grow, and our well-meaning but often misguided penchant for treating symptoms rather than causes, over and over, and reacting far later than we should.

I once arranged a parenting class for a particular age group. I'll never forget the woman who called asking if we were planning anything for parents of older kids - their family really needed it. When I reminded her she had a son in the target age group for the upcoming class, she said, "Yes, but he's doing ok."

When we react, we rarely catch up. How many times have I heard from people I'm trying to recruit to work with kids in our ministry that they'd rather work with junior high or senior high aged kids "because that's when they're really faced with tough decisions"? Trust me, I respect the importance of junior high and high school ministry. I've worked in both, and yes, that age kid needs guidance too. But it's because of my experience with older kids that I know the seeds of wisdom are sown in a child long before the teen years are hit. In the same way, we know that the spiritual maturity and dedication of parents is a good predictor of the eventual spiritual maturity of the child: we reproduce what we are, not necessarily what we want.

The human will is incredibly strong, and teenage kids don't suddenly decide the type of person they want to be, and they don't make that decision in a vacuum. A strong Christian leader can guide, encourage, and even strongly suggest, but ultimately if a kid has no spiritual reservoir from which to draw, their decisions and lives are going to end up looking pretty much like the rest of the world's.

I first experienced this several years ago with a kid I knew and worked with whom I'll call Allen. Allen was being raised by his mom and had a winsome personality. But he was also grieving the loss of his dad, had some behavioral issues, didn't choose the best friends, and didn't have any particular passion. He, like many kids, was "good" and "ok", but all that was holding that together, it seems, was lack of opportunity. In high school he began experimenting, first with alcohol, then with drugs, and eventually was sent away for rehab.

But I remember the first time Allen was caught and the pep talk I gave him, which was lame in retrospect, about how surprised I was that he'd done that and how I hoped he'd make better choices and that I believed in him. Looking back, the problem wasn't that Allen didn't want to do better but that he couldn't do better - he was a broken kid and didn't have the resources to change. Which is not to excuse him from responsibility - not at all. To the contrary, Allen reaped what was sown - but the answer wasn't offering him pep talks or incentives or guilt trips to "turn him good". It was Allen's need to be rescued from his circumstances. (This, incidentally, is why the world's message that kids just need to "try harder" or be rewarded into making good decisions runs counter to the Bible's message that we are lost to sin.)

Sometimes our view of sin is just too small. The havoc of sin on the world is more than the sum total of every cross word, broken promise, mean thought, or hurtful act. The world itself is broken and under curse. Even people with hearts of gold - even children - are tainted by this environmentally. They are born into a fallen world, and the effects of sin are all around. Others disappoint us. We have to put up with rude people. We don't get our way. Joy fades.

Which brings us back to the tablecloths. The problem wasn't the tablecloths themselves - that is, it was a problem that they were blowing around and wouldn't stay in place, yes, but the root of the problem was that the wind was just strong and persistent enough to make the job of keeping them down pretty impossible. Now consider the problems that manifest themselves in kids' lives in adolescence and beyond - eating disorders, pornography addiction, sexual abuse, alcohol abuse, marrying too young, indebtedness, materialism, self-centeredness, spiritual backsliding and/or abandonment of their faith, isolation and depression, vanity, hopelessness - and recognize that there is a wind blowing behind each one of them.

So, boys who view pornography become men who suffer for it. Girls who have impossible thinness presented to them as the very definition of "beauty" come to believe it. Kids who are fed a steady diet of conflict and drama among adults internalize that as the way to resolve problems. Children who have no boundaries grow up disrespectful and always expecting their way; and, conversely, those who are babied and overly managed never learn to make responsible decisions for themselves. These are the prevailing conditions we call "culture" and they handicap the healthy development of kids.

So what is a parent to do? Remaining mindful of the fact that the wind won't stop blowing completely, when your child is in the pre-teen years, you should be fighting like mad to build up and strengthen your child's store of spiritual assets. Last year I wrote and spoke about Nine Things Your Child Needs to Thrive Spiritually - that series begins here. But the wrong thing to do is to throw up your hands and say, "That's just the world we live in." Wrong. You can't always change culture. But as a parent, you can choose culture.

Try to get a handle on how your child is influenced (and a better word might be shaped). Each source has its own culture - a set of assumptions and values and norms. Your home and family have a culture. Friendship groups have cultures. Schools have cultures. Ideally they're nurturing. Sometimes they're coercive and stifling. Movies and TV create a culture (who can't remember wishing that some TV mom or dad was their parent?). Getting a handle of what your child believes - about themselves, about God, about the way the world works - can be huge in understanding emerging behaviors or stemming problem ones. (Take, for instance: "Why is my daughter so upset?" The fact that her boyfriend recently broke up with her might help explain why; but knowing that she holds the belief that to be someone in middle school, you have to have a boyfriend helps explain the intensity of her feelings.)

We continue to believe that parents hold the far greater potential to influence kids than church programs do. Parents remain the most willing, consistent, and persistent factors in a child's development. There are four programs planned in September specifically for you, and specifically designed to help you nurture kids' spiritual reserves. Beginning September 10, when our midweek program resumes (moving to Wednesday nights this fall), we plan to once again offer parent programs and classes in partnership with the church's Marriage and Family Ministry. Come and learn from Jeff Reinke on 7 Ways to Love Your Child the first Wednesday. Bill & Pam Farrell and Archibald Hart will speak in the weeks to follow. And, on September 19 (a Friday night), we're bringing Tim Smith back down to the church to teach you how to lead a family time of devotions. It's a nice sounding concept, but how many people know at all how to proceed? Tim will walk you through it, with your kids and a meal right there that night. All of these are a bargain - the Wednesday seminars are free, and the Tim Smith program is a flat fee for your whole family (with dinner included).

It's easy to recognize when things are "not OK" with a kid. "OK" is not necessarily the absence of troubling signs or bad behavior. True "OK" is an internal state, difficult to measure. Recognizing where the wind is coming from and how hard it's blowing is a skill, and it is key to restoring kids' spiritual and emotional wellness.