Teaching Kids to Make Peace

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God. (Matthew 5:9)

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)

If the above verses are true, and Christians believe them, then churches should be the most peaceful places in the world, right? There should be no infighting, no factions, no gossip or hurt feelings. Churches should never split and no one should ever feel manipulated or abused. Moreover, those who go to churches should experience far less conflict in their lives than everyone else - fewer divorces, less sibling rivalry, fewer arguments with spouses, less hassle at work.

So, where's the disconnect? If you're not already laughing to yourself because you know how absurd this is, consider that many people who weren't raised in churches or don't go to church do conceive of churches in this way, as places where the normal conflicts, heartaches, and frustrations most of us experience in dealing with others simply don't exist.

That's a fantasy, of course, and nowhere do I see scripture promising that a body of people grounded in Jesus will be delivered from conflict. What can happen, though, is that when Biblical principles are diligently applied to group life, the severity and intensity of conflicts can be greatly lessened. Put another way, we can be taught to work through conflict in a way that salvages the dignity of everyone involved. But it is taught, not innate.

I get impatient with people who expect that in churches, every potential conflict needs to be backed away from, that we should all just "play nice" because it's wrong to advocate for what you need. For a long time I held this avoidance mindset, and in some ways I still do. But the result isn't peace. The result is frustration, as you and I ignore issues and pretend there's no conflict, all to preserve a peaceful veneer. And similarly, I get frustrated with any non-believer who would play the "Christian card", suggesting that I should always be the first to back down and accept mistreatment "because you're religious."

No. Being a doormat is not making peace, it's - being a doormat. And sometimes I wonder how kids like it when we tell them to just "forgive and forget" or "turn the other cheek" or "say you're sorry" but we don't help them work through what is making them mad or sad or frustrated. Do we unwittingly communicate that to be a Christian is to be passive, to accept abuse? Or, do they end up dismissing our counsel as nice-sounding, but totally impractical?

I am surprised again and again how many kids will say that cheating in a game isn't wrong if someone cheated against them first, or that revenge is justified, or (this one from boys, usually) that hitting is ok if needed to demonstrate to someone the intensity of your displeasure (and I'm astounded how many will cite Jesus in the temple in defense of acting in anger!). But maybe I shouldn't be surprised. When we don't give kids tools to deal with conflict, the emotion behind the problem will boil to the surface eventually. Kids are just speaking what they know to be true: it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and kids who don't fight fire with fire will get taken advantage of. Kids quickly learn, at home and at school: you have to be willing to fight.

But can we teach them a better way? What if we could start with the gospel and teach kids the skills to resolve conflicts peacefully? What if we could teach them how to get along with their siblings (not just exhort them to "be nice")? To persevere through friendship squabbles so they didn't have a different best friend every week? What if they were equipped to mediate between peers? To deal with bullying? What if a core of kids was trained well enough to take this into schools and train others?

Would you be for it? (Some of you were on board as soon as I mentioned sibling rivalry.) There is a program put out by Peacemaker Ministries (www.peacemaker.net) whose goal it is to teach people the skills of Biblical conflict resolution. It's been adapted for kids and for teens, too, and the elementary-level version, for grades 3-7, will be a part of our midweek program this fall.

From the Peacemaker perspective, learning to live with one another - in families, in marriages, in friendships, and in workplaces - is the essence of the gospel. Consider this from Dr. Alfred Poirier, chairman of the board at Peacemaker: "The gospel is not just an entrance door and an exit door: ‘Christ’s death…got me into the kingdom, and when I die I will go to heaven.’ The gospel also concerns what happens in between, in a minute-by-minute, moment-by-moment living dynamic. At its core, the gospel is about reconciliation—not only with God, but also with one another."

And what I especially like about the Peacemaker program is the theology it brings to teaching conflict resolution. The president of Peacemaker Ministries, Ken Sande, said in an interview with byFaith magazine, “The longer I have been involved in peacemaking, the more I have realized the focus must be on the gospel and not on the ‘shoulds.’ Our focus must be on what God has already done for us—forgiving us for our sins, freeing us from the bondage of sin, and empowering us through the power of Christ to live out the gospel in a practical, everyday manner." Sande's insight deserves to be read again: "The focus must be on the gospel and not on the 'shoulds'." When we tell people - kids, adults, whoever - to do something, like forgive, make peace, love one another, but we don't teach them how, we haven't really taught them anything.

The Young Peacemaker will be an elective for kids this fall. (More on the format of our new midweek program and its electives next week.) It does require a commitment. The series is 12 weeks and obviously one week builds on the next. But for a 12-week commitment and $15 materials fee, your kid will learn skills and principles that will follow them for life.

For more on the necessity of teaching peacemaking, start here with Peacemaking: A Key to Socializing Children, an article by Ken Sande. From there, you can explore the rest of the Peacemaker website.

Gordon Fee on Why Christians Read their Bibles Poorly

This week, I want to point out an article on a subject of great importance: the use of the Bible and how Christians have become such poor Bible readers. Gordon Fee is a renowned scholar of the New Testament, helped translate the New International Version and Today's New International Version, and authored (along with Douglas Stuart) the handy and readable, How to Read the Bible for All Its Worth and How to Read the Bible, Book by Book.

This address by Fee was first given at the Undergraduate Bible/Theology Conference in 2005, and I wholeheartedly agree:

"Why Christians Read Their Bibles Poorly" by Gordon Fee

The Good News at El Camino Creek

While I'm away this month, I've asked some others to write in this space. This week's entry is by Karen Madeira, a mom of two boys who took on the job of leading an after-school club at her boys' public elementary school. At the start of the year I wrote about a HUGE opportunity to reach kids right in their own schools. These clubs are slowly being established in schools across North County. All I can say is, if we're going to stand around and bemoan the fact that "They took God out of the public schools" yet not act on this opportunity - shame on us!



If the Good News Club parent volunteers had a nickel for every time we heard “You can’t teach Jesus at a public school!”… Oh, but we can! Thanks to a 2001 Supreme Court ruling, the Child Evangelism Fellowship’s Good News Clubs are allowed to meet at public schools after hours just as any other community group can. Many parents are unaware of this law or the opportunity to reach un-churched children through this program.

Child Evangelism Fellowship is a Bible-centered organization started in 1937 whose mission is to reach children around the world with the love and truth of Jesus Christ. C.E.F.’s Good News Club is a worldwide, after-school program recently started at El Camino Creek Elementary School. In early 2008 several E.C.C. moms had heard a GNC was in full swing at nearby Mission Estancia Elementary. It soon became apparent our campus of over 900+ kids needed a GNC of our own. Under the leadership of Lynda Wennerstrom (a NCCC mom) and with the help of many parent volunteers, the GNC was launched for one six-week session
in May 2008.

The program offers games, music, snacks, and Bible stories one hour each week for six-week sessions throughout the school year. E.C.C. is blessed to have many parents willing to help, as well as area church leaders willing to lead the prayer and Bible story time. NCCC’s 4th-6th grade pastor Mark Friestad, as well as D.J. Bosler and Zach Beck of Coastline Community Church are a few who have presented relevant and entertaining Bible lessons. This brief but powerful exposure to scripture may be the only times many of these children will hear the Word of God!

Because the program is free to all participating students, many un-churched kids show up simply because a classmate has invited them, or their parents view it as convenient, no-cost childcare. They may have no idea of the eternal impact the GNC may have on their child! In fact, on the last day of GNC at E.C.C. about six children raised their hands proclaiming they were asking Jesus into their hearts! Isn’t that what we as believers are here for? To share the Good News of our Lord and Savior, and who better to start with than children?

If your child’s elementary school doesn’t yet have a GNC, begin now praying for one. Ask God how you can help reach kids through this dynamic opportunity. For more information on Child Evangelism Fellowship or the Good News Club, visit www.cefonline.com, or www.goodnewsclub.us . If you have any questions about the GNC at E.C.C., contact Karen Madeira at kkmade@mac.com.

Helping kids who get left behind

While I'm away, I've invited some others to contribute to this blog. This week, an article by Christine Kollar about her family's involvement in ChildHelp USA. Since moving to California in 2005 and working in the foster care system, I've developed an awareness and a heart for any kid who is in crisis or at-risk because of a unstable home environment. The church has a role to play, reaching out and reaching in. Some of these kids are in our classrooms every weekend. Some are in our communities, but they are invisible: the private nature of our lives and "don't ask-don't tell" ethic keeps us an arm's length from other people's family details.

I write frequently about the importance of a church's ministry to pre-teens; obviously, as a pastor to that age group I believe in it. But I want to challenge the church to raise its own awareness about kids in crisis who may never come through our doors and who are not necessarily living in Third World countries, but right here in California.


“We don’t know how good we have it. We forget to record our favorite TV shows on Tivo and it’s a crisis. These children are abused, neglected, and forsaken, until they are even on the verge of death. I don’t think anyone ever died over Tivo. I feel I’ve made a difference in a child’s life who has absolutely no one."

- A quote from my 15 year old daughter.

“All Who Enter Will Find Love” is the sign posted above the ChildHelp rescue village. ChildHelp is a village for severely abused children located in Banning, CA. There are multiple locations throughout the U.S. and the world as well. A few months ago I made my first visit to the ChildHelp rescue village. I had some idea of what it might be like but I had no idea that I would be so overwhelmed with love for a 13-year-old boy who stole the heart of my family and myself.

My family and I (husband, 15-year-old daughter, 12-year-old son, and 8-year-old son) visited on a Sunday in April during their spring festival. The room was like a warehouse/gymnasium. There was food, games and dollar store prizes. We had been assigned a 13-year-old boy, “John”, as our “special friend” for the day. As John came to meet us he had such excitement on his face. He was one of the lucky ones; there were about 40 other children that day who wouldn’t have a special friend for the day. John came up and greeted us with a grateful hug. We sat down with him for about 20 minutes, getting to know each other, and then he lead the way to show us around. We played games, laughed, talked, ate and just enjoyed each other's company. As the day progressed John didn’t leave our side. It was then that I realized that this was divine intervention.

As my family continued to hang out with John, I decided to take a tour of the village and find out more about the surroundings. I was filled with joy to find out that the first and most important place in the village was a tiny beautiful chapel. I spoke with the pastor who has such a passion for these children. He told me that aside from safety from their parents, the very purpose of the village is to put each child on a spiritual journey of healing, hope, and above all, love. These children have only seen beatings, fear, threats, sexual abuse, and many have come in on death's bed and this village is the first time that they have seen the face of love. I was overwhelmed with sadness to know that this was the life that John had lived, and in the next moment I was filled with humility to know that God can actually use me to make a huge impact on John’s life forever.

We now talk to him on the phone and encourage him weekly. As I said, he is 13 years old, but he is only in the 3rd grade (due to abuse and neglect). He thrives on encouragement and being reminded that God loves him. The blessings that my husband and I have received from that day are indescribable and yet pale in comparison to the blessings that my children received. It opened their eyes to the true blessings that they have.

There are still many children at the village hoping for a “special friend”. The commitment is $50 per year, 3 or 4 visits per year, and a weekly or monthly phone call of encouragement, and above all else the commitment to pray for the child.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

There are over 3 million reports of abuse in the U.S. each year. To find out more about ChildHelp log on to www.childhelp.org.

Mind the Wind

We have a lot more at our new building. More space. More families. More time on Sunday morning. And more wind, which got me thinking the other day about the problems kids face and how we measure "ok".

Because we're at a higher elevation now, on a plateau and without the windbreak of I-5 at our back, we suddenly feel a lot more wind than we did before. And so it was that on a Saturday morning, as our facilities crew was setting out tables in advance of Saturday evening's all-church BBQ, the wind started playing games. The guys would cover each round table with a red tablecloth, and minutes later a gust of wind would blow it off. The tablecloth was replaced, and straightened, and left just so - and then the wind kicked up just enough to throw it off again. A heavy centerpiece? Nope, the edges of the tablecloth still blew up and settled on the tabletop. Finally the crew settled it the only way possible - they recognized the wind's persistence, folded up the coverings, set them in the middle of the table, and dealt with it later.

There are many ways you could read this as a metaphor - like your kids' ability to push your button at just the right time, again and again. Or it could be used to illustrate the idea, "Don't sweat the small stuff" - don't feel you have react to every issue, let kids handle the small ones and step in when kids are stuck or about to get hurt or ask for your help. But what I saw in the tables was kids, as they develop and grow, and our well-meaning but often misguided penchant for treating symptoms rather than causes, over and over, and reacting far later than we should.

I once arranged a parenting class for a particular age group. I'll never forget the woman who called asking if we were planning anything for parents of older kids - their family really needed it. When I reminded her she had a son in the target age group for the upcoming class, she said, "Yes, but he's doing ok."

When we react, we rarely catch up. How many times have I heard from people I'm trying to recruit to work with kids in our ministry that they'd rather work with junior high or senior high aged kids "because that's when they're really faced with tough decisions"? Trust me, I respect the importance of junior high and high school ministry. I've worked in both, and yes, that age kid needs guidance too. But it's because of my experience with older kids that I know the seeds of wisdom are sown in a child long before the teen years are hit. In the same way, we know that the spiritual maturity and dedication of parents is a good predictor of the eventual spiritual maturity of the child: we reproduce what we are, not necessarily what we want.

The human will is incredibly strong, and teenage kids don't suddenly decide the type of person they want to be, and they don't make that decision in a vacuum. A strong Christian leader can guide, encourage, and even strongly suggest, but ultimately if a kid has no spiritual reservoir from which to draw, their decisions and lives are going to end up looking pretty much like the rest of the world's.

I first experienced this several years ago with a kid I knew and worked with whom I'll call Allen. Allen was being raised by his mom and had a winsome personality. But he was also grieving the loss of his dad, had some behavioral issues, didn't choose the best friends, and didn't have any particular passion. He, like many kids, was "good" and "ok", but all that was holding that together, it seems, was lack of opportunity. In high school he began experimenting, first with alcohol, then with drugs, and eventually was sent away for rehab.

But I remember the first time Allen was caught and the pep talk I gave him, which was lame in retrospect, about how surprised I was that he'd done that and how I hoped he'd make better choices and that I believed in him. Looking back, the problem wasn't that Allen didn't want to do better but that he couldn't do better - he was a broken kid and didn't have the resources to change. Which is not to excuse him from responsibility - not at all. To the contrary, Allen reaped what was sown - but the answer wasn't offering him pep talks or incentives or guilt trips to "turn him good". It was Allen's need to be rescued from his circumstances. (This, incidentally, is why the world's message that kids just need to "try harder" or be rewarded into making good decisions runs counter to the Bible's message that we are lost to sin.)

Sometimes our view of sin is just too small. The havoc of sin on the world is more than the sum total of every cross word, broken promise, mean thought, or hurtful act. The world itself is broken and under curse. Even people with hearts of gold - even children - are tainted by this environmentally. They are born into a fallen world, and the effects of sin are all around. Others disappoint us. We have to put up with rude people. We don't get our way. Joy fades.

Which brings us back to the tablecloths. The problem wasn't the tablecloths themselves - that is, it was a problem that they were blowing around and wouldn't stay in place, yes, but the root of the problem was that the wind was just strong and persistent enough to make the job of keeping them down pretty impossible. Now consider the problems that manifest themselves in kids' lives in adolescence and beyond - eating disorders, pornography addiction, sexual abuse, alcohol abuse, marrying too young, indebtedness, materialism, self-centeredness, spiritual backsliding and/or abandonment of their faith, isolation and depression, vanity, hopelessness - and recognize that there is a wind blowing behind each one of them.

So, boys who view pornography become men who suffer for it. Girls who have impossible thinness presented to them as the very definition of "beauty" come to believe it. Kids who are fed a steady diet of conflict and drama among adults internalize that as the way to resolve problems. Children who have no boundaries grow up disrespectful and always expecting their way; and, conversely, those who are babied and overly managed never learn to make responsible decisions for themselves. These are the prevailing conditions we call "culture" and they handicap the healthy development of kids.

So what is a parent to do? Remaining mindful of the fact that the wind won't stop blowing completely, when your child is in the pre-teen years, you should be fighting like mad to build up and strengthen your child's store of spiritual assets. Last year I wrote and spoke about Nine Things Your Child Needs to Thrive Spiritually - that series begins here. But the wrong thing to do is to throw up your hands and say, "That's just the world we live in." Wrong. You can't always change culture. But as a parent, you can choose culture.

Try to get a handle on how your child is influenced (and a better word might be shaped). Each source has its own culture - a set of assumptions and values and norms. Your home and family have a culture. Friendship groups have cultures. Schools have cultures. Ideally they're nurturing. Sometimes they're coercive and stifling. Movies and TV create a culture (who can't remember wishing that some TV mom or dad was their parent?). Getting a handle of what your child believes - about themselves, about God, about the way the world works - can be huge in understanding emerging behaviors or stemming problem ones. (Take, for instance: "Why is my daughter so upset?" The fact that her boyfriend recently broke up with her might help explain why; but knowing that she holds the belief that to be someone in middle school, you have to have a boyfriend helps explain the intensity of her feelings.)

We continue to believe that parents hold the far greater potential to influence kids than church programs do. Parents remain the most willing, consistent, and persistent factors in a child's development. There are four programs planned in September specifically for you, and specifically designed to help you nurture kids' spiritual reserves. Beginning September 10, when our midweek program resumes (moving to Wednesday nights this fall), we plan to once again offer parent programs and classes in partnership with the church's Marriage and Family Ministry. Come and learn from Jeff Reinke on 7 Ways to Love Your Child the first Wednesday. Bill & Pam Farrell and Archibald Hart will speak in the weeks to follow. And, on September 19 (a Friday night), we're bringing Tim Smith back down to the church to teach you how to lead a family time of devotions. It's a nice sounding concept, but how many people know at all how to proceed? Tim will walk you through it, with your kids and a meal right there that night. All of these are a bargain - the Wednesday seminars are free, and the Tim Smith program is a flat fee for your whole family (with dinner included).

It's easy to recognize when things are "not OK" with a kid. "OK" is not necessarily the absence of troubling signs or bad behavior. True "OK" is an internal state, difficult to measure. Recognizing where the wind is coming from and how hard it's blowing is a skill, and it is key to restoring kids' spiritual and emotional wellness.