Christian camps and retreat centers have not been unaffected by the recession. As families' disposal income drops, trips and camps often get cut. But Christian camps face another challenge - the generational job of convincing kids and parents that they're not just another activity among equals, vying for kids' time and parents' money. Camps aren't just a weekend's worth of fun - they're an investment. And it would be a shame to lose them, because I can't think of anything that's even a close second.
By "generational job", I'm referring to a much shorter period of time than 30 or even 20 years. I'm reminded every year that fully one-third of the kids we minister to in 4th-6th grade are brand-new at this, that camp is a developmental milestone most haven't yet crossed, and that we get to walk them through it. But first we have to get them there.
Take a few minutes to view this video, produced by Forest Home, on what they call "core essentials" - the philosophy from which they operate their programs. Then I'd like to suggest seven reasons why Christian camps offer something kids can't easily get elsewhere - not even in church.
Here's what happens at camp that you won't find anywhere else:
1. Kids get almost 48 hours unplugged. The loss of wide-open spaces and the hurried pace of modern life deprives us of, to borrow the phrase of one of my seminary professors, "our best apologetics partner". To see the dramatic rise of the mountains on either side of the camp, to leap across rocks in the creek, or to smell fresh air reestablishes our place in the created order, bringing us closer to our true selves. We were not meant to be enslaved by cell phones, computer screens, or even school textbooks. We are people who labor under the illusion that we've tamed nature. Wrong. Technology has tamed us. We need to be set free. This happens at camp.
2. Kids genuinely play. Some will say that kids these days have forgotten how to play, because they're too busy, too scheduled, too programmed. Don't you believe it. They may be busy and programmed, yes, but in an outdoor camp setting, the ability to make great fun from very little quickly re-emerges. This, again, is connecting us to our true selves. Play stimulates their imagination, requires compromise and conflict resolution, and invites them to approach other kids who it might not be "cool" to affiliate with in their schools. Play is a great leveler. This happens at camp.
3. Kids are surrounded by God, and godly influences. Adults sometimes focus solely on "the moment of decision" at camps, when a kid either does or doesn't respond to an invitation. This misses the point that a camp environment is itself evangelistic - all the time! From morning wake-up until "lights out" (quotation marks are deliberate), kids are in the presence of caring staff and counselors who want to see their experience maximized. The counselors who will be spending the weekend with your kid are not strangers - they are the small group leaders who give their time to serve our kids every weekend in Surge, and who want to deepen their relationships by investing a weekend of their time. Forest Home's staff is made up mostly of summer camp veterans who sacrifice ten weekends January-March to make winter camp happen. They wouldn't be there if they didn't love your kids. I have never seen a discipline or medical situation handled poorly at Forest Home. Instead, kids receive empathy and kindness. This happens at camp.
4. Questions get asked, and answered. We cover a lot of ground in our weekend program, but we are inevitably rushed, and one thing I regret is that we can't be more responsive to the immediate interests of all of the kids. But because the time at camp is so relationally intensive (kids are constantly in the presence of their leaders), it creates a great forum for informal conversation, or for a leader to follow up with someone who had more questions than the nightly small group time could accommodate. What better way to model that God doesn't live "in church", and that our learning and thinking and talking about him doesn't have to stay within the walls of a church, either? Instead, God-as-a-way-of-life can go on display, even if it's only for a couple of days. This happens at camp.
5. Kids get connected in a hurry. If your son or daughter attends weekend services every weekend for a year, they'll log about 65 hours of church time annually. If your family comes every other week, that's 32.5 hours annually. Our ministry is made up of kids from more than 75 schools. It is not uncommon for a student new to our ministry to be the only kid from his or her school in the classroom on a given Saturday or Sunday. Hard to run into kids you know? Yes. Hard to meet other kids? It can be - it depends on how regularly a new family attends and what other outside events they engage in.
In a camp weekend, we're talking about 48 hours of sustained interaction with other kids and leaders, making it all the more easier to return to church when camp's over. Kids relax when they don't have to worry about being knew, when they recognize other faces, when they themselves are know. This happens at camp.
6. Kids make memories. Think about the most outstanding events of your life. Were a number of them from before you were in high school? I hope so. Every kid deserves that pack of loyal childhood friends, the thrill of family vacations and amusement parks, the freedom of after-school play, the hilarity of stupid jokes, the raw adventure of pillow fights. Enough bad stuff will happen to them as they get older - let's let childhood be reserved for safety and successfully trying new things. Kids now in middle school still ask me, "Remember that time at Forest Home...?" I often don't. But no matter. The memory is theirs. Kids need those. This happens at camp.
7. It's the easiest thing in the world to invite your friend to. Let's face it: it's not always appealing to ask your friend to come to "Sunday school" (shudder; we don't use that terminology, but lots of people still do) or anything where the default model is "school". But an outdoor camp in the mountains where you get to sleep in bunks and play outside a lot? Yeah, kids will go for that. Four years ago, a couple of boys at our church invited their whole hockey team to camp. Today, most of those kids (now in high school) still attend our church. And research shows that kids who are comfortable sharing their faith, talking about what they believe (and this includes the openness to bring someone to the place they experience it all) are more likely to hold onto that faith when the going gets tough. And for a first-timer, a weekend at Forest Home puts a great impression in their mind, because it's church camp without being churchy. This, too, happens at camp.
And I haven't even mentioned the teaching. But that's because the cognitive benefits are harder to assess, and in any case, they shouldn't be separated from the overall experience. They will soon forget where they learned what they know; but they will long remember what they did at camp.
There are ways in which camps are very primitive places. But then, we're primitive people, aren't we? And every kid who's dirtied their jeans hiding in a muddy spot or windburned their nose or soaked their socks completely when snow got into their boots knows this is so. More and more, these things happen only at camp.
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Will Your Kid Use Drugs?
What's the news on kids and drugs? Is the battle being won or lost? What's working and what's not? These are questions that researchers into student drug use and wellness concern themselves with. But it's not the questions a parent is - or should be - asking. To them, the only question worth asking is, "Will my kid use drugs?"
As Fred Becker of the Becker Institute in Carlsbad notes, when it's your kid who is addicted, it doesn't matter if the statistics are one in ten or one in a thousand. Still, the trends matter, insofar as they create a culture that reaches into schools. Researchers from the University of Michigan, who have been studying teen drug use and attitudes for 34 years, make it a point to ask kids their perceptions of the risks and social acceptability attached to particular substances. In this way, they can often predict which drugs will be more widely used in just a few years. (For instance, the number of 8th, 10th, and 12th grade students who believe ecstasy is a dangerous drug has declined, and sure enough, ecstasy use is on the rise.)
Actually, the overall news on kids and drugs is encouraging. Although use is not as low as 1992, the lowest point in the Monitoring the Future Survey's history, it continues a decline that started in 1998. And drug use among high school seniors is considerably lower than its high in 1979.
The problem with survey measures is that they report what's already happened, which may or may not be useful in stemming future use. And while the questions about perceived risk and social acceptability allow for some intriguing predictions, ultimately every parent's interest is not drug use in general, but drug use as it pertains to one individual - their son or daughter.
So what if we had another tool, one that reflected not what had already happened, but that gave us a good picture of the stuff kids were made of, so as to better predict who they'll become? Enter the work of the Search Institute. I have been aware of Search's framework for healthy child and adolescent development since the late '90s, when I was teaching high school and when our district looked at using their materials with an eye toward improving student wellness. Unfortunately, it didn't go anywhere, because teachers (and I was one of them) tend to be provincial, well aware that the demands they make on students' time are not without competition. The only person with a holistic interest in your child's wellness is - and properly ought to be - you, the parent. Only parents are in a position, as the most willing, consistent, and persistent influences in a child's life, to see to it that kids are on a healthy path.
But what is that healthy path? More to the point of drug use, what do kids need to deter them from being substance abusers? Is it D.A.R.E.? Just Say No? Red Ribbons? Do they need to role play with us how to resist peer pressure? Do they need to be threatened with harsh punishments if they use drugs, and do they need to have their social activities closely monitored to ensure they're not falling under bad influences?
The beauty of the work that Search Institute has done is that it's not narrowly tailored to intercept problem behaviors, yet its effectiveness is remarkable in doing just that. To be clear: what Search has developed is descriptive, not predictive. Started in 1959 as Lutheran Youth Research, its founder was the far-sighted Merton Strommen, who convinced the Lutheran Church to commission a study of teenage attitudes and behaviors. Years later this ongoing effort would become the Search Institute, and its hallmark contribution to child and adolescent development is what's known as the 40 Developmental Assets.
The 40 Assets are experiences and qualities that kids possess (or lack), each of which contributes to healthy development. Think, "How do I give my kid what they need?" and you're on the right track. The assets are divided into two classes: internal assets and external assets. As the names suggest, the internal assets are related to the child him or herself - what do they believe, value, and think about - while the external assets relate to the support structure around the child. Each class of assets has four sub-categories, so that in discerning internal assets, for instance, consideration is given to their commitment to learning, having positive values, having a positive identity, and possessing social competencies. The four subcategories of external assets are support, empowerment, boundaries and expectations, and the constructive use of time. Variations of the 40 Assets have been developed for adolescents, young children ages 3-5, those in grades K-3, and kids in middle childhood ages 8-12 (see that list here).
The assets and their effect on healthy development have been studied many times. It is nothing short of compelling to read Search's follow-up research and to see that there is an inverse relationship between the number of assets a kid possesses and his or her engagement in high-risk behavior. Some examples: nearly half of the adolescents who possessed ten or fewer assets reported either using alcohol three or more times in the previous month or having been drunk in the prior two weeks. What percentage of youth who had 31 or more assets did the same? Three percent. Among those with the fewest assets, 61 percent were involved in acts of violence three or more times in one year; seven percent of those having the most assets did the same. 32 percent of the kids with the fewest assets had been sexually active three or more times; three percent of the kids with the most assets had.
The relationship also bears out, but in the positive direction, when it comes to desirable qualities and behaviors. Those with 31 or more assets showed more leadership, took better care of their health, valued getting along with people of other racial and ethnic groups, and got higher grades in school, than kids with fewer assets did any of those things. (By the way, Search's studies also show the average sixth grader possessing 23 assets, and that number declines as kids get older.)
Again, it must be stressed that Developmental Assets are a descriptive measure: Search has isolated some qualities and practices thought to contribute to healthy development, and quantified them, and there is a relationship between the presence or absence of assets in a child and his or her healthy behavior. Assets don't predict drug use, or any other problem behavior. But the relationships Search has demonstrated are too strong to ignore.
Overall, I like Search's approach because it underscores that kids' development is a process that needs to be sustained. Periodic campaigns are insufficient to give kids what they need. The "best" kids (and I use that word deliberately) are those to whom positive practices have been applied consistently, and who are nurtured by people who are interested in them - every part of them. It is a sin that those institutions entrusted with nurturing kids' physical health, their intellects, their moral development, their artistic talents, and their spiritual lives have ended up in competition with one another, each vying for as much time as a family will afford them with scant regard for the child's whole development. Only parents have the clout to turn this ship, and I think the 40 Development Assets are a great game plan for fostering the kind of holistic environments and practices that truly benefit kids.
It's our choice whether to shake our heads in dismay every time some survey comes out documenting the waywardness of youth (the next installment of the University of Michigan study is due in December), or to act preemptively in establishing healthy life skills, attitudes, and supports in our youth and kids. Some people are naively confident that kids' drive to succeed will ultimately steer them away from self-destructive behaviors; the answer, it is thought, is to dangle enough motivation in front of them to turn them into success-driven robots. But others are overly pessimistic about human potential. Christians should be neither. We should harbor no illusions about the power of innate sin to drag us down, but we should honor those elements of our humanity that are capable of doing great good and yearning for redemption. The 40 Assets are an intelligent blueprint for identifying what successful kids have, and pointing us toward what we ought to give.
As Fred Becker of the Becker Institute in Carlsbad notes, when it's your kid who is addicted, it doesn't matter if the statistics are one in ten or one in a thousand. Still, the trends matter, insofar as they create a culture that reaches into schools. Researchers from the University of Michigan, who have been studying teen drug use and attitudes for 34 years, make it a point to ask kids their perceptions of the risks and social acceptability attached to particular substances. In this way, they can often predict which drugs will be more widely used in just a few years. (For instance, the number of 8th, 10th, and 12th grade students who believe ecstasy is a dangerous drug has declined, and sure enough, ecstasy use is on the rise.)
Actually, the overall news on kids and drugs is encouraging. Although use is not as low as 1992, the lowest point in the Monitoring the Future Survey's history, it continues a decline that started in 1998. And drug use among high school seniors is considerably lower than its high in 1979.
The problem with survey measures is that they report what's already happened, which may or may not be useful in stemming future use. And while the questions about perceived risk and social acceptability allow for some intriguing predictions, ultimately every parent's interest is not drug use in general, but drug use as it pertains to one individual - their son or daughter.
So what if we had another tool, one that reflected not what had already happened, but that gave us a good picture of the stuff kids were made of, so as to better predict who they'll become? Enter the work of the Search Institute. I have been aware of Search's framework for healthy child and adolescent development since the late '90s, when I was teaching high school and when our district looked at using their materials with an eye toward improving student wellness. Unfortunately, it didn't go anywhere, because teachers (and I was one of them) tend to be provincial, well aware that the demands they make on students' time are not without competition. The only person with a holistic interest in your child's wellness is - and properly ought to be - you, the parent. Only parents are in a position, as the most willing, consistent, and persistent influences in a child's life, to see to it that kids are on a healthy path.
But what is that healthy path? More to the point of drug use, what do kids need to deter them from being substance abusers? Is it D.A.R.E.? Just Say No? Red Ribbons? Do they need to role play with us how to resist peer pressure? Do they need to be threatened with harsh punishments if they use drugs, and do they need to have their social activities closely monitored to ensure they're not falling under bad influences?
The beauty of the work that Search Institute has done is that it's not narrowly tailored to intercept problem behaviors, yet its effectiveness is remarkable in doing just that. To be clear: what Search has developed is descriptive, not predictive. Started in 1959 as Lutheran Youth Research, its founder was the far-sighted Merton Strommen, who convinced the Lutheran Church to commission a study of teenage attitudes and behaviors. Years later this ongoing effort would become the Search Institute, and its hallmark contribution to child and adolescent development is what's known as the 40 Developmental Assets.
The 40 Assets are experiences and qualities that kids possess (or lack), each of which contributes to healthy development. Think, "How do I give my kid what they need?" and you're on the right track. The assets are divided into two classes: internal assets and external assets. As the names suggest, the internal assets are related to the child him or herself - what do they believe, value, and think about - while the external assets relate to the support structure around the child. Each class of assets has four sub-categories, so that in discerning internal assets, for instance, consideration is given to their commitment to learning, having positive values, having a positive identity, and possessing social competencies. The four subcategories of external assets are support, empowerment, boundaries and expectations, and the constructive use of time. Variations of the 40 Assets have been developed for adolescents, young children ages 3-5, those in grades K-3, and kids in middle childhood ages 8-12 (see that list here).
The assets and their effect on healthy development have been studied many times. It is nothing short of compelling to read Search's follow-up research and to see that there is an inverse relationship between the number of assets a kid possesses and his or her engagement in high-risk behavior. Some examples: nearly half of the adolescents who possessed ten or fewer assets reported either using alcohol three or more times in the previous month or having been drunk in the prior two weeks. What percentage of youth who had 31 or more assets did the same? Three percent. Among those with the fewest assets, 61 percent were involved in acts of violence three or more times in one year; seven percent of those having the most assets did the same. 32 percent of the kids with the fewest assets had been sexually active three or more times; three percent of the kids with the most assets had.
The relationship also bears out, but in the positive direction, when it comes to desirable qualities and behaviors. Those with 31 or more assets showed more leadership, took better care of their health, valued getting along with people of other racial and ethnic groups, and got higher grades in school, than kids with fewer assets did any of those things. (By the way, Search's studies also show the average sixth grader possessing 23 assets, and that number declines as kids get older.)
Again, it must be stressed that Developmental Assets are a descriptive measure: Search has isolated some qualities and practices thought to contribute to healthy development, and quantified them, and there is a relationship between the presence or absence of assets in a child and his or her healthy behavior. Assets don't predict drug use, or any other problem behavior. But the relationships Search has demonstrated are too strong to ignore.
Overall, I like Search's approach because it underscores that kids' development is a process that needs to be sustained. Periodic campaigns are insufficient to give kids what they need. The "best" kids (and I use that word deliberately) are those to whom positive practices have been applied consistently, and who are nurtured by people who are interested in them - every part of them. It is a sin that those institutions entrusted with nurturing kids' physical health, their intellects, their moral development, their artistic talents, and their spiritual lives have ended up in competition with one another, each vying for as much time as a family will afford them with scant regard for the child's whole development. Only parents have the clout to turn this ship, and I think the 40 Development Assets are a great game plan for fostering the kind of holistic environments and practices that truly benefit kids.
It's our choice whether to shake our heads in dismay every time some survey comes out documenting the waywardness of youth (the next installment of the University of Michigan study is due in December), or to act preemptively in establishing healthy life skills, attitudes, and supports in our youth and kids. Some people are naively confident that kids' drive to succeed will ultimately steer them away from self-destructive behaviors; the answer, it is thought, is to dangle enough motivation in front of them to turn them into success-driven robots. But others are overly pessimistic about human potential. Christians should be neither. We should harbor no illusions about the power of innate sin to drag us down, but we should honor those elements of our humanity that are capable of doing great good and yearning for redemption. The 40 Assets are an intelligent blueprint for identifying what successful kids have, and pointing us toward what we ought to give.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Kids Need Some Help with This One
Kids are capable of a lot - much more than church programs have typically given them credit for. They can evaluate needs around the world and decide who they want to support. They can articulate reasons for what they believe, and they can entertain what-if scenarios when it comes to making decisions. But there is at least one circumstance they can't foresee, and they need our help.
That help is in developing a circle of Christian friends, in addition to whatever other peer groups they're a part of - neighborhood friends, soccer teams, scout troops, family friends, or whatever. Those affiliations are important, and natural, and help us develop a sense of "who am I" in a context of various others. But as a fifth-grade boy asked me four years ago, "What if your friends aren't Christians - but they're still good people?"
Good question. Relevant question. At age ten, there are very few kids who are thoroughly corrupted, so rotten and unprincipled that they ought to be avoided. Most kids can tell you stories that bear out the aphorism, "He/she is ok, once you get to know them." And this faith in human nature reigns during one of the best periods of our life - late childhood - when, if nothing has gone horribly wrong, we get a few years of ascribing the best to people, before the jadedness of adolescence (when we start to see that adults, too, are only human) sets in. So if I'm a kid who hangs around with good kids who don't pressure me to do wrong and whom I have fun with, why should it matter to me to carve out a friendship group at church?
The answer, it turns out, is pretty nuanced. Let me first say that I don't think it's helpful, as the fundamentalist world has tended to do, to sharply divide people into two "saved vs. unsaved" camps. Such thinking places an artificial emphasis on bringing people across the finish line ("they're saved!") while neglecting the important reality and work that is abiding in Christ, and the result is the moral crisis that the church finds itself in today, where "saved" folks don't live a whole lot differently than "unsaved" folks.
On the whole, the church should be marked by greater degrees of love and forgiveness and justice and charity than what we find outside the church; but this is not to say that those apart from the church are not capable of great moral good. The differences lie in: 1. what you hold to be the ultimate measure of what is good, 2. the motivation to do that good, and 3. the resources you draw upon to accomplish the good.
Where there is agreement among religions or between Christ followers and the secular world on what is good, we should celebrate this: humans agree on much of what constitutes right and fair and just. But those who claim "all religions teach basically the same thing" are far too focused on outcomes. To a Christian, who we are and who we are becoming matters every bit as much as what we do. And so, William Wilberforce, who fought to see slavery abolished in Great Britain, did a virtuous thing, but it is not to be considered greater virtue than those who spoke against slavery but did not live to see its demise, just because Wilberforce "won". And the pastor who faithfully serves a congregation of 50 with diligence and integrity is to be esteemed every bit as much (and maybe more) than a pastor over thousands.
Those who will appeal to the teachings of Jesus like "Love your neighbor as you love yourself" and "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone", in fairness should also cite other injunctions like "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" or "Anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." Do we teach kids to identify with Paul's claim that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me," or his counsel that "It has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him"? These are the aspects of Christian life that we don't often emphasize, but they are the elements that, if pushed through, bring reward. If we don't teach them and model them, we condemn our kids to a colorless, ascetic Christianity, where they know what to do, but are ambivalent about why. This is a Pharisaic hell, and it's no wonder they flee from it once they get out from under our yolk. No one aspires to be moral and boring.
In short, Christians and non-Christians share many of the same goals and want the same things, but they are not equally committed to the ideals of self-denial, of suffering for Christ, or of accepting that it's worth going through hardship for the character it builds within us. These are elements of discipleship that we grow into and grow through, and - this is important - they are realized in community with other believers.
So to be honest, it isn't at all clear why a 10-year-old needs a group of Christian friends; but it's abundantly clear why a 15-year-old does. So maybe this one falls into the category of "Trust me, you just should", as in, "Why do I need to go to bed when I'm not tired?" or "Why should I stop after only one can of soda?" or "Why should I make it a habit to stretch before exercising?" And as with everything else that's worth doing even if it doesn't make sense, it takes a discipline that is outside ourselves to carry through.
This is where parents come in. You are the key to bridging the gap between sacred and secular so kids don't develop a world that is divided between "God's stuff" and the rest of life. Kids should know that their friends are welcome over at your house, on camping trips, on days at the beach, and yes, at church. Bringing friends along to church and church-sponsored events should be as natural as breathing. We have three of our biggest, most attractive events of the year coming up, and kids will have fun at them regardless of whether they bring someone they know or not. But that very truth can work against us: if kids are unsure about whether an event will be fun for them, it may scare them away from inviting someone from outside the church; on the other hand, if the fun factor is assured, they may not need the safety that having a familiar friend provides at a large event.
Fortunately, it's not an either/or, where we are either asking kids to set aside their own enjoyment or to tolerate something mediocre just because the church said you had to bring someone. With Harvest Party set for this Friday, it promises to be our biggest ever and we've paid special attention this year to the different needs of younger and older kids, and established some special areas for each. The second major event is our 4th-6th grade sleepover, Friday, December 11, and that's a run-up to our annual weekend away at Forest Home, January 15-17. When you encourage your son or daughter to be mindful of who they might bring along to each one of these, you are building a relational nest egg that they can tap into just a few years down the road, when peers surge ahead parents as the source of identification and everyday guidance.
Trust me when I tell you that kids who enter high school without any close Christian peers to walk the road with them, struggle. The black-white world of elementary school decision making gives way to infinite shades of gray. And the tendency - even among "good kids" - is not to "spur one another on to love and good deeds"; high school and middle school have a flattening effect, where kids are unwittingly thrown into a mini-adult rat race. It's no wonder that time with friends ends up taking the form of whatever-it-takes to blow off stress. Spurring one another on is a deliberate action, and it is entered into willingly.
Like I said - the answer to "What if your friends aren't Christians - but they're still good people?" is nuanced. We can't expect preteens to grasp all of this. But we can make them ready for the season when they'll need a group of like-minded peers to lean on. Then they'll thank us for it.
That help is in developing a circle of Christian friends, in addition to whatever other peer groups they're a part of - neighborhood friends, soccer teams, scout troops, family friends, or whatever. Those affiliations are important, and natural, and help us develop a sense of "who am I" in a context of various others. But as a fifth-grade boy asked me four years ago, "What if your friends aren't Christians - but they're still good people?"
Good question. Relevant question. At age ten, there are very few kids who are thoroughly corrupted, so rotten and unprincipled that they ought to be avoided. Most kids can tell you stories that bear out the aphorism, "He/she is ok, once you get to know them." And this faith in human nature reigns during one of the best periods of our life - late childhood - when, if nothing has gone horribly wrong, we get a few years of ascribing the best to people, before the jadedness of adolescence (when we start to see that adults, too, are only human) sets in. So if I'm a kid who hangs around with good kids who don't pressure me to do wrong and whom I have fun with, why should it matter to me to carve out a friendship group at church?
The answer, it turns out, is pretty nuanced. Let me first say that I don't think it's helpful, as the fundamentalist world has tended to do, to sharply divide people into two "saved vs. unsaved" camps. Such thinking places an artificial emphasis on bringing people across the finish line ("they're saved!") while neglecting the important reality and work that is abiding in Christ, and the result is the moral crisis that the church finds itself in today, where "saved" folks don't live a whole lot differently than "unsaved" folks.
On the whole, the church should be marked by greater degrees of love and forgiveness and justice and charity than what we find outside the church; but this is not to say that those apart from the church are not capable of great moral good. The differences lie in: 1. what you hold to be the ultimate measure of what is good, 2. the motivation to do that good, and 3. the resources you draw upon to accomplish the good.
Where there is agreement among religions or between Christ followers and the secular world on what is good, we should celebrate this: humans agree on much of what constitutes right and fair and just. But those who claim "all religions teach basically the same thing" are far too focused on outcomes. To a Christian, who we are and who we are becoming matters every bit as much as what we do. And so, William Wilberforce, who fought to see slavery abolished in Great Britain, did a virtuous thing, but it is not to be considered greater virtue than those who spoke against slavery but did not live to see its demise, just because Wilberforce "won". And the pastor who faithfully serves a congregation of 50 with diligence and integrity is to be esteemed every bit as much (and maybe more) than a pastor over thousands.
Those who will appeal to the teachings of Jesus like "Love your neighbor as you love yourself" and "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone", in fairness should also cite other injunctions like "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" or "Anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." Do we teach kids to identify with Paul's claim that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me," or his counsel that "It has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him"? These are the aspects of Christian life that we don't often emphasize, but they are the elements that, if pushed through, bring reward. If we don't teach them and model them, we condemn our kids to a colorless, ascetic Christianity, where they know what to do, but are ambivalent about why. This is a Pharisaic hell, and it's no wonder they flee from it once they get out from under our yolk. No one aspires to be moral and boring.
In short, Christians and non-Christians share many of the same goals and want the same things, but they are not equally committed to the ideals of self-denial, of suffering for Christ, or of accepting that it's worth going through hardship for the character it builds within us. These are elements of discipleship that we grow into and grow through, and - this is important - they are realized in community with other believers.
So to be honest, it isn't at all clear why a 10-year-old needs a group of Christian friends; but it's abundantly clear why a 15-year-old does. So maybe this one falls into the category of "Trust me, you just should", as in, "Why do I need to go to bed when I'm not tired?" or "Why should I stop after only one can of soda?" or "Why should I make it a habit to stretch before exercising?" And as with everything else that's worth doing even if it doesn't make sense, it takes a discipline that is outside ourselves to carry through.
This is where parents come in. You are the key to bridging the gap between sacred and secular so kids don't develop a world that is divided between "God's stuff" and the rest of life. Kids should know that their friends are welcome over at your house, on camping trips, on days at the beach, and yes, at church. Bringing friends along to church and church-sponsored events should be as natural as breathing. We have three of our biggest, most attractive events of the year coming up, and kids will have fun at them regardless of whether they bring someone they know or not. But that very truth can work against us: if kids are unsure about whether an event will be fun for them, it may scare them away from inviting someone from outside the church; on the other hand, if the fun factor is assured, they may not need the safety that having a familiar friend provides at a large event.
Fortunately, it's not an either/or, where we are either asking kids to set aside their own enjoyment or to tolerate something mediocre just because the church said you had to bring someone. With Harvest Party set for this Friday, it promises to be our biggest ever and we've paid special attention this year to the different needs of younger and older kids, and established some special areas for each. The second major event is our 4th-6th grade sleepover, Friday, December 11, and that's a run-up to our annual weekend away at Forest Home, January 15-17. When you encourage your son or daughter to be mindful of who they might bring along to each one of these, you are building a relational nest egg that they can tap into just a few years down the road, when peers surge ahead parents as the source of identification and everyday guidance.
Trust me when I tell you that kids who enter high school without any close Christian peers to walk the road with them, struggle. The black-white world of elementary school decision making gives way to infinite shades of gray. And the tendency - even among "good kids" - is not to "spur one another on to love and good deeds"; high school and middle school have a flattening effect, where kids are unwittingly thrown into a mini-adult rat race. It's no wonder that time with friends ends up taking the form of whatever-it-takes to blow off stress. Spurring one another on is a deliberate action, and it is entered into willingly.
Like I said - the answer to "What if your friends aren't Christians - but they're still good people?" is nuanced. We can't expect preteens to grasp all of this. But we can make them ready for the season when they'll need a group of like-minded peers to lean on. Then they'll thank us for it.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
A great evil that is about to unfold
In South Africa, preparations are being made for next year's World Cup, an event which most soccer-apathetic Americans pay little attention to, but to the rest of the world, it is the Olympics, the Super Bowl, and the Final Four all rolled into one. Nearly half a million fans will come to South Africa to watch, to party, and to revel. And on the streets of Durban,
Johannesburg, Pretoria, and Cape Town, a great evil is about to unfold. Shame on the world if we let it happen.
In 2007, the police commissioner of South Africa first floated the idea of legalizing prostitution during the World Cup, so as to allow police to focus on more pressing matters. (Another unspoken motive is to match the standard of hospitality set by Germany in 2006, which also facilitated legal access to alcohol and prostitutes.) The proposal is still alive, even though church groups in South Africa and human rights groups condemned it. Now the president of the country, Jacob Zuma, has apparently repudiated the idea too.
Sigh of relief? Not so fast. We Americans, with an eye toward the integrity of our own criminal justice system, have a misplaced faith in the power of the law to make right. The truth is, the legal status of prostitution in South Africa could end up mattering little. Large sporting events (and even, I'm told, American political conventions) cause a spike in the sex trade. But forgive my euphemism. Let's say it this way: lots of people who travel great distances for once-in-a-lifetime events go to prostitutes as part of the experience. Especially when the event is held in a country full of desperately poor people, so the sex is plentiful and cheap. Simple economics suggest and history confirms that the demand for sex will be met. And many of those being shopped around to sex-seeking tourists will be minors - children.
So the lay of the land is this: tourists wealthy enough to travel by plane to South Africa will be flooding the country to watch an event known to be accompanied by revelry, and dealers in sex stand to make lots of money. That's the point. Whether South Africa makes it easy for the dealers by legalizing and "regulating" the practice, as Germany did in 2006, or whether they force it somewhat underground rests on what is done with the police commissioner's suggestion. But the practice wouldn't have to go very far underground, in any case. For one thing, South Africa has no laws on its books to combat human trafficking. It has signed something called the Palermo Protocol, but done nothing to implement that international agreement. As a result, its police have zero training in stopping a practice that isn't even technically illegal there. For another, South Africa has a violent crime problem, and protecting tourists' safety - not monitoring their leisure time - will be the goal of the 30,000 police officers who will staff the event.
This has become the pattern with international sporting events. The welfare of the native population takes a back seat to visitors' comfort and convenience and corporate profits. While I wouldn't accuse China of bending over backwards for visitors like me at last year's Olympics, my dollars carried a lot more clout than a Chinese citizenship card. They thought nothing of evicting scores of low-income tenants from their homes in order to construct marvelous-looking stadiums that now sit empty. Their pre-emption of political protest was over-the-top and efficient, and they were able to use the fear of terrorism as pretense for restricting everyone's rights. In the end, they put forward the "glorious China" they wanted everyone to see, while the reality behind the cameras was a lot uglier. But I digress.
In South Africa, not only are there millions of poor and hopeless in the rural townships, but let us not forget the tiny kingdom that lies to the northeast, Swaziland, which has the highest AIDS rate of any country in the world (42%) and consequently a huge population of kids who have no money, no parents, and no futures. Connect the dots: how much money would a pimp have to promise desperate young Swazi boys and girls to cross the border with him and enter the sex trade in South Africa?
Love soccer, hate soccer, boycott the World Cup and its sponsors, or watch - whatever. It's clear that we are marching toward a humanitarian disaster regardless of the decision South Africa makes on legalization just because of the culture surrounding the tournament. But the one thing you must do is pay attention. I was alarmed when I first heard of this almost two months ago, and everyone I've mentioned this to has been similarly incredulous and dismayed. There will be action campaigns around this issue that will formulate in the coming months. We must pay attention.
And we must do so because people are not for sale. To miss that is to miss the significance of the work of Creation. God made nature, yes, and the world is wonderful and beautiful and mysterious and we rightly cry foul when a beautiful work of nature is marred - BUT - humans? They are the crown jewels. The rest of creation was placed under our stewardship to care for and consume; it is only of people that the Bible says, "in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."
Why don't we care? Why don't I care? Distance, the invisible nature of trafficking, our own apparent powerlessness to stop it have something to do with it. But it also has something to do with this: "The death of one man is a tragedy. The death of millions is a statistic." No less a practitioner of evil than Joseph Stalin knew of what he spoke, responsible as he was for the deaths of millions of his countrymen whom he perceived to be disloyal. Evil has a way of benefiting from its scope - the more widespread its practice, the less powerful we feel to act to stop it (because it's "normal" or "everywhere").
But whether only one child is being sold into sex slavery or millions are, we have to care about human trafficking because these are real people. So, personalize it. Imagine an actual young person (12-20 years old) traded into slavery to perform sex acts on strangers being a real person. Imagine it is someone you know. Imagine it's your own child. How many times would they have to be "purchased" before you'd be so angry and heartbroken that you'd be ready to call every senator and every representative on Capitol Hill and storm the halls of Congress if you needed to in order to get justice for your son or daughter? Because everyone who is sold to perform sex acts for money is someone's son or someone's daughter. How many times would they need to be violated for their whole future to collapse into a black hole of trauma?
Yes, I believe in the power of God to renovate hearts, and I want to see hearts change and to celebrate the miracle of regeneration. When people begin to act rightly - toward themselves, each other, and God - on account of a contrite heart and a renewed spirit, and the change is willing, not coerced, it's an amazing thing. But I've been naïve. If it's not legitimate to use the force of power - economic, political, social, and even military - to restrain injustice, then it can't be legitimate to use power anywhere. Evil thrives on power imbalances. When we won't fight fire with fire, we get backed into a corner of humiliation and despair.
And yet, in the face of the existence of 27 million slaves and a world economic structure that facilitates exploitation and a sporting culture that normalizes cash for sex, I do not lose heart. I do not lose heart because as a Christian, I know that the light has come into the world and the darkness cannot overcome it. I know that the greatest evil of all, death, could not hold Jesus and so the promise of new life for the rest of us is very real. I know that if God is for us, no one can stand against us. And I know that evil hates the light, and will avoid it so as not to be exposed. But, as we live the truth - not just believe it in our heads or profess it with our mouths, but really live it - that people, all people, have intrinsic value and worth, the lie that certain people are commodities and can be used for the unjust enrichment of others will begin to erode. As we esteem everyone's life - not just biological life, but the whole experience and quality of life - we are teaching ourselves, over and over, that even nameless, faceless child laborers and prostitutes and migrant workers and domestics around the world do matter.
Regarding the dignity of all people (or, if it's helpful, "the dignity of each person") has to be step one in the formation of a justice orientation in our character. And the truth is contagious, even when it's inconvenient. Pay attention, because the exploitation of humans - all humans, but especially children - is so wrong that the more we consider it, the more it demands a response. You wouldn't allow your own child to be in such a situation, so how has this become a norm for millions? The unjust norm has there displaced the norm of justice. Love your own child who is safe and lives free from exploitation, yes, but know too that as you exhibit either concern or disregard for neighbors, strangers, and foreigners, you are building within kids either a love for justice and fair treatment for all, or an indifference toward those outside their personal sphere.
Am I my brother's keeper? The better question is, who is my brother? It's not that no one cares about individual children working as sex slaves. It's just that the enormity and anonymity of the practice alongside our modern culture's hyper-individualism and hedonism has produced the looming tragedy that is South Africa's World Cup. We need to pay attention to this, so that the whole world will pay attention, so that the injustice we wouldn't tolerate for one doesn't become the norm inflicted on the many. Remember that each sex worker sold during the World Cup will have a name, a home village, a mom and a dad, and a story. They don't lose any of that upon being exploited. Pray that they don't lose their future either.
Johannesburg, Pretoria, and Cape Town, a great evil is about to unfold. Shame on the world if we let it happen.
In 2007, the police commissioner of South Africa first floated the idea of legalizing prostitution during the World Cup, so as to allow police to focus on more pressing matters. (Another unspoken motive is to match the standard of hospitality set by Germany in 2006, which also facilitated legal access to alcohol and prostitutes.) The proposal is still alive, even though church groups in South Africa and human rights groups condemned it. Now the president of the country, Jacob Zuma, has apparently repudiated the idea too.
Sigh of relief? Not so fast. We Americans, with an eye toward the integrity of our own criminal justice system, have a misplaced faith in the power of the law to make right. The truth is, the legal status of prostitution in South Africa could end up mattering little. Large sporting events (and even, I'm told, American political conventions) cause a spike in the sex trade. But forgive my euphemism. Let's say it this way: lots of people who travel great distances for once-in-a-lifetime events go to prostitutes as part of the experience. Especially when the event is held in a country full of desperately poor people, so the sex is plentiful and cheap. Simple economics suggest and history confirms that the demand for sex will be met. And many of those being shopped around to sex-seeking tourists will be minors - children.
So the lay of the land is this: tourists wealthy enough to travel by plane to South Africa will be flooding the country to watch an event known to be accompanied by revelry, and dealers in sex stand to make lots of money. That's the point. Whether South Africa makes it easy for the dealers by legalizing and "regulating" the practice, as Germany did in 2006, or whether they force it somewhat underground rests on what is done with the police commissioner's suggestion. But the practice wouldn't have to go very far underground, in any case. For one thing, South Africa has no laws on its books to combat human trafficking. It has signed something called the Palermo Protocol, but done nothing to implement that international agreement. As a result, its police have zero training in stopping a practice that isn't even technically illegal there. For another, South Africa has a violent crime problem, and protecting tourists' safety - not monitoring their leisure time - will be the goal of the 30,000 police officers who will staff the event.
This has become the pattern with international sporting events. The welfare of the native population takes a back seat to visitors' comfort and convenience and corporate profits. While I wouldn't accuse China of bending over backwards for visitors like me at last year's Olympics, my dollars carried a lot more clout than a Chinese citizenship card. They thought nothing of evicting scores of low-income tenants from their homes in order to construct marvelous-looking stadiums that now sit empty. Their pre-emption of political protest was over-the-top and efficient, and they were able to use the fear of terrorism as pretense for restricting everyone's rights. In the end, they put forward the "glorious China" they wanted everyone to see, while the reality behind the cameras was a lot uglier. But I digress.
In South Africa, not only are there millions of poor and hopeless in the rural townships, but let us not forget the tiny kingdom that lies to the northeast, Swaziland, which has the highest AIDS rate of any country in the world (42%) and consequently a huge population of kids who have no money, no parents, and no futures. Connect the dots: how much money would a pimp have to promise desperate young Swazi boys and girls to cross the border with him and enter the sex trade in South Africa?
Love soccer, hate soccer, boycott the World Cup and its sponsors, or watch - whatever. It's clear that we are marching toward a humanitarian disaster regardless of the decision South Africa makes on legalization just because of the culture surrounding the tournament. But the one thing you must do is pay attention. I was alarmed when I first heard of this almost two months ago, and everyone I've mentioned this to has been similarly incredulous and dismayed. There will be action campaigns around this issue that will formulate in the coming months. We must pay attention.
And we must do so because people are not for sale. To miss that is to miss the significance of the work of Creation. God made nature, yes, and the world is wonderful and beautiful and mysterious and we rightly cry foul when a beautiful work of nature is marred - BUT - humans? They are the crown jewels. The rest of creation was placed under our stewardship to care for and consume; it is only of people that the Bible says, "in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."
Why don't we care? Why don't I care? Distance, the invisible nature of trafficking, our own apparent powerlessness to stop it have something to do with it. But it also has something to do with this: "The death of one man is a tragedy. The death of millions is a statistic." No less a practitioner of evil than Joseph Stalin knew of what he spoke, responsible as he was for the deaths of millions of his countrymen whom he perceived to be disloyal. Evil has a way of benefiting from its scope - the more widespread its practice, the less powerful we feel to act to stop it (because it's "normal" or "everywhere").
But whether only one child is being sold into sex slavery or millions are, we have to care about human trafficking because these are real people. So, personalize it. Imagine an actual young person (12-20 years old) traded into slavery to perform sex acts on strangers being a real person. Imagine it is someone you know. Imagine it's your own child. How many times would they have to be "purchased" before you'd be so angry and heartbroken that you'd be ready to call every senator and every representative on Capitol Hill and storm the halls of Congress if you needed to in order to get justice for your son or daughter? Because everyone who is sold to perform sex acts for money is someone's son or someone's daughter. How many times would they need to be violated for their whole future to collapse into a black hole of trauma?
Yes, I believe in the power of God to renovate hearts, and I want to see hearts change and to celebrate the miracle of regeneration. When people begin to act rightly - toward themselves, each other, and God - on account of a contrite heart and a renewed spirit, and the change is willing, not coerced, it's an amazing thing. But I've been naïve. If it's not legitimate to use the force of power - economic, political, social, and even military - to restrain injustice, then it can't be legitimate to use power anywhere. Evil thrives on power imbalances. When we won't fight fire with fire, we get backed into a corner of humiliation and despair.
And yet, in the face of the existence of 27 million slaves and a world economic structure that facilitates exploitation and a sporting culture that normalizes cash for sex, I do not lose heart. I do not lose heart because as a Christian, I know that the light has come into the world and the darkness cannot overcome it. I know that the greatest evil of all, death, could not hold Jesus and so the promise of new life for the rest of us is very real. I know that if God is for us, no one can stand against us. And I know that evil hates the light, and will avoid it so as not to be exposed. But, as we live the truth - not just believe it in our heads or profess it with our mouths, but really live it - that people, all people, have intrinsic value and worth, the lie that certain people are commodities and can be used for the unjust enrichment of others will begin to erode. As we esteem everyone's life - not just biological life, but the whole experience and quality of life - we are teaching ourselves, over and over, that even nameless, faceless child laborers and prostitutes and migrant workers and domestics around the world do matter.
Regarding the dignity of all people (or, if it's helpful, "the dignity of each person") has to be step one in the formation of a justice orientation in our character. And the truth is contagious, even when it's inconvenient. Pay attention, because the exploitation of humans - all humans, but especially children - is so wrong that the more we consider it, the more it demands a response. You wouldn't allow your own child to be in such a situation, so how has this become a norm for millions? The unjust norm has there displaced the norm of justice. Love your own child who is safe and lives free from exploitation, yes, but know too that as you exhibit either concern or disregard for neighbors, strangers, and foreigners, you are building within kids either a love for justice and fair treatment for all, or an indifference toward those outside their personal sphere.
Am I my brother's keeper? The better question is, who is my brother? It's not that no one cares about individual children working as sex slaves. It's just that the enormity and anonymity of the practice alongside our modern culture's hyper-individualism and hedonism has produced the looming tragedy that is South Africa's World Cup. We need to pay attention to this, so that the whole world will pay attention, so that the injustice we wouldn't tolerate for one doesn't become the norm inflicted on the many. Remember that each sex worker sold during the World Cup will have a name, a home village, a mom and a dad, and a story. They don't lose any of that upon being exploited. Pray that they don't lose their future either.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
The Incredible Influence of Dad
This weekend finds me back home, in North Dakota, where my dad is being honored for his nearly 40 years of service as a coach at the local high school; sort of a big honor in a small town. About a year and a half ago, his career was similarly recognized at the state level. It was at that time that I wrote an essay called "The Incredible Influence of Dad", parts of which I've excerpted this week, below.
Of course the thing about Halls of Fame or honorary banquets or tributes or toasts or awards presentations is that they are momentary, and they are one-dimensional. If you want to know who a person really is, it can only be pieced together from the firsthand knowledge of those who've spent lots of time at their side. I suspect any kid whose parent has ever done anything noteworthy knows this: awards recognize what someone has done, but only begin to scratch the surface of who they are.
I recount this because I imagine there are parents reading this right now who are wrapped up in a rat race, gunning for some promotion or leveraging their own advancement or trying to cement a big deal or hoping to impress some power broker. Let me assure you: where you go professionally, as important as it is to you, won't matter nearly as much to your kids. They already know how great you are.
Dad decided early what he wanted to do with his life, and he followed through with a steadfastness that is rare and admirable. His three kids - myself and two sisters - have already proven unable to do what he did, which is to hold down the same position at the same school and do it well for 39 years. (We have each moved in and out of (and in one case, back into) education.) Teaching is tiring - physically and mentally. Coaching at any level is emotional. It helps to have a winning team, but Dad's teams didn't always win. They were occasionally great, often average, and sometimes terrible. The most we ever felt this was some weekend grumpiness now and then, but by Sunday night he'd bounce back to his normal self and when you heard him whistling and grading papers you knew all was well again. And when, in 2006, it was time to be done, he was done. There was nothing sentimental or magic to him about reaching the 40-year plateau.
I'm not one who happens to believe that we can fairly evaluate ourselves: who we think we are and who others perceive us to be are usually quite different, and the truth is usually closer to what others see (I find that we tend to be too harsh or too charitable towards ourselves). So as to how much of my dad I carry in me, you'd have to ask someone else. I can, however, readily recognize his influence on my sisters.
All three of us siblings are pretty pragmatic. That comes straight from Dad. If it didn't work, he'd try to fix it, and if he couldn't fix it, well, you'd have to live without it. "It's easier to get forgiveness than permission" was his motto, and it was rare that he couldn't get one or the other. His tastes are simple (so are each of ours) and he never displayed an appetite for wealth. He fought for the underdog. Wrestling sometimes attracted kids who were rough around the edges, and he welcomed the chance to give them something constructive to do - "Maybe this will change them," he'd say. When we played softball with the neighborhood kids, he developed a rotation system that constantly circulated players from batting to fielding and as a result there were no teams and no losers and no score - just fun, which was all anyone wanted. As the head of the teacher's union he advocated for fair pay, and in later years, when he himself was near the top of the salary scale, he pushed for pay increases to go to starting teachers rather than veterans, saying, "They need it more than we do." He felt strongly about that. My sisters have carried that seed of justice into their own lives. As the only boy in the family, I was the only one to wrestle for him (girls didn't wrestle, not in his world; he felt especially strongly about that!). While Mom ran the day-to-day operations of our house - the meals, the school shopping, the scheduling - and also much of the discipline, when Dad spoke up to discipline, you knew it was serious and that was it.
Men, especially great men, are driven by vision. They imagine what could be and set out to achieve or establish it. Sometimes the task takes precedence over the people involved, and the product is a damaging ambition. But it's also that doggedness in men that suits them to be good dads. Men - and dads - dream big. They're wired to lead and conquer. The effect of such vision on kids can be powerful. For my dad and I, this played out in the realm of academic science competitions, another passion of his that started 23 years ago and continues to this day. Spurred by what we saw at the national level, our creations got each year better and ever-more complex, and we did in fact win national awards for them. What I learned from this was to set my sights high, to seek out the best and then better it.
What would happen if every man pursued the future and the health and the reputation of his kids as doggedly as he pursued achievement in his own life? What if dads turned the power of their vision onto the direction of their sons and daughters? Some of us fear the answer, based on our experience with dads who vicariously lived through their kids, pushing them in directions and at speeds they didn't want to go. But what if, at the same time a dad was training his vision on the future of his kids, he was equipped with the qualities of empathy and compassion and tenderness - in a word, his humanity - so that he developed a keen sense of when to push and when to hold back? The answer is, you'd have a really great dad; but not only that, you'd have a really great kid.
We need more dads like that, and the church has a role in calling men to that level of responsibility. Honestly, we can imagine and build great cities, industrial plants, robotic technology, and space travel; can we not also cast a vision for kids that lifts them above despair, boredom, self-debasement, and a future as pawns in this consumerist melee?
Of course the thing about Halls of Fame or honorary banquets or tributes or toasts or awards presentations is that they are momentary, and they are one-dimensional. If you want to know who a person really is, it can only be pieced together from the firsthand knowledge of those who've spent lots of time at their side. I suspect any kid whose parent has ever done anything noteworthy knows this: awards recognize what someone has done, but only begin to scratch the surface of who they are.
I recount this because I imagine there are parents reading this right now who are wrapped up in a rat race, gunning for some promotion or leveraging their own advancement or trying to cement a big deal or hoping to impress some power broker. Let me assure you: where you go professionally, as important as it is to you, won't matter nearly as much to your kids. They already know how great you are.
Dad decided early what he wanted to do with his life, and he followed through with a steadfastness that is rare and admirable. His three kids - myself and two sisters - have already proven unable to do what he did, which is to hold down the same position at the same school and do it well for 39 years. (We have each moved in and out of (and in one case, back into) education.) Teaching is tiring - physically and mentally. Coaching at any level is emotional. It helps to have a winning team, but Dad's teams didn't always win. They were occasionally great, often average, and sometimes terrible. The most we ever felt this was some weekend grumpiness now and then, but by Sunday night he'd bounce back to his normal self and when you heard him whistling and grading papers you knew all was well again. And when, in 2006, it was time to be done, he was done. There was nothing sentimental or magic to him about reaching the 40-year plateau.
I'm not one who happens to believe that we can fairly evaluate ourselves: who we think we are and who others perceive us to be are usually quite different, and the truth is usually closer to what others see (I find that we tend to be too harsh or too charitable towards ourselves). So as to how much of my dad I carry in me, you'd have to ask someone else. I can, however, readily recognize his influence on my sisters.
All three of us siblings are pretty pragmatic. That comes straight from Dad. If it didn't work, he'd try to fix it, and if he couldn't fix it, well, you'd have to live without it. "It's easier to get forgiveness than permission" was his motto, and it was rare that he couldn't get one or the other. His tastes are simple (so are each of ours) and he never displayed an appetite for wealth. He fought for the underdog. Wrestling sometimes attracted kids who were rough around the edges, and he welcomed the chance to give them something constructive to do - "Maybe this will change them," he'd say. When we played softball with the neighborhood kids, he developed a rotation system that constantly circulated players from batting to fielding and as a result there were no teams and no losers and no score - just fun, which was all anyone wanted. As the head of the teacher's union he advocated for fair pay, and in later years, when he himself was near the top of the salary scale, he pushed for pay increases to go to starting teachers rather than veterans, saying, "They need it more than we do." He felt strongly about that. My sisters have carried that seed of justice into their own lives. As the only boy in the family, I was the only one to wrestle for him (girls didn't wrestle, not in his world; he felt especially strongly about that!). While Mom ran the day-to-day operations of our house - the meals, the school shopping, the scheduling - and also much of the discipline, when Dad spoke up to discipline, you knew it was serious and that was it.
Men, especially great men, are driven by vision. They imagine what could be and set out to achieve or establish it. Sometimes the task takes precedence over the people involved, and the product is a damaging ambition. But it's also that doggedness in men that suits them to be good dads. Men - and dads - dream big. They're wired to lead and conquer. The effect of such vision on kids can be powerful. For my dad and I, this played out in the realm of academic science competitions, another passion of his that started 23 years ago and continues to this day. Spurred by what we saw at the national level, our creations got each year better and ever-more complex, and we did in fact win national awards for them. What I learned from this was to set my sights high, to seek out the best and then better it.
What would happen if every man pursued the future and the health and the reputation of his kids as doggedly as he pursued achievement in his own life? What if dads turned the power of their vision onto the direction of their sons and daughters? Some of us fear the answer, based on our experience with dads who vicariously lived through their kids, pushing them in directions and at speeds they didn't want to go. But what if, at the same time a dad was training his vision on the future of his kids, he was equipped with the qualities of empathy and compassion and tenderness - in a word, his humanity - so that he developed a keen sense of when to push and when to hold back? The answer is, you'd have a really great dad; but not only that, you'd have a really great kid.
We need more dads like that, and the church has a role in calling men to that level of responsibility. Honestly, we can imagine and build great cities, industrial plants, robotic technology, and space travel; can we not also cast a vision for kids that lifts them above despair, boredom, self-debasement, and a future as pawns in this consumerist melee?
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Why We'll Walk
Can a couple of hours in a parking lot gain kids empathy, a feeling of belonging, and provide some relief for the homeless in our area? We're betting on it.
During our work on Kids Games this summer, it came to our attention that homeless people spend a lot of time simply walking. They walk from one service provider to another, from wherever they happen to be camping out to less isolated places, and they walk because people don't want them hanging around, and so call the police in order to get them to move on. With that much walking, and having no place to launder clothes, a homeless man or woman can quickly wear through a pair of socks or shoes.
Part of the work of Oceanside's Bread of Life and Brother Benno's is to distribute clean, soft cotton socks. Socks are cheap, but an important commodity for people who spend most of the day walking outside. That's where the idea for our walk-a-thon was born.
Kids who take the challenge will agree to walk for two hours on Saturday morning, October 3. The walk will be held in our church parking lot, and kids will raise sponsorship money, which will then be used to buy new socks which Bread of Life and Benno's will distribute.
Here are three tangible reasons you should encourage your child's involvement:
1. ...because they walk. In 1995, Robert Wuthnow identified some factors of community service that either did or did not increase empathy in teenagers who were performing the service (his book was titled, "Learning to Care". What is important, Wuthnow said, is that kids personally identify with those who are suffering. It's not enough to care about them in the abstract. The best vehicle for growing compassion is direct contact with the recipient of your care. This is why so many families in our congregation believe in the power of having their kids serve with them during a meal at Bread of Life. Seeing the problem is very powerful. If they can also hear what's going on in the lives of homeless people, even better.
So what can we do with a walk-a-thon to create empathy? Granted, safety dictates that our environment be pretty artificial. College students and reporters have immersed themselves in the homeless experience by actually living as a homeless person for days or weeks, and their accounts make for moving reading. But we can give kids a small sense of how long (and maybe, how boring) it is to walk for two hours straight, and then extrapolate that out to what it must feel like to walk for hours a day, and for weeks at a time. Will this short time window transfer into long-term empathy? We'll see.
2. ...to make connections within our ministry. Pre-teens are entering a developmental time when they are crowd-conscious and increasingly aware of their place in crowds. "Who am I?" is less a question that is answered in terms of observable, personal characteristics, and more in relation to "how others see me" and "where I fit" among peers. Events like these, which are less formally structured than a Sunday morning program, help break down walls and give kids the shared experiences that they can refer back to as they carve out a sense of "us" at church. You want that. Camps, sleepovers, bowling outings, small groups - all of these are venues for a kid to loosen up and fit in.
3. ...because service is a habit that promotes spiritual growth. A recent study that appeared in The Journal of Youth Ministry examined whether performing acts of service led to greater participation in what the study called, "Christian faith practices", or whether kids who were already serious about their faith tended to be the ones who performed acts of service. The findings are promising: those who were involved in ministry to their communities did, in fact, tend to have more robust spiritual lives - they prayed, read the Bible, attended services, talked about what they believed, worked for justice, and so on. We tend to program with those practices in view, that if we can get kids to "do Christian things" it will propel them to tangible expressions of their faith. The National Study of Youth and Religion in 2003 found that 50% of churched teenagers had gone on a youth convention or retreat, but only 30% had engaged in church-sponsored missions or service work. It could be, though, that the effect of properly-structured service opportunities awakens something in teenagers (and all of us) that stokes spiritual development.
I hope you'll encourage your child to gather pledges and come out and walk with us on October 3. It's about helping the homeless, yes, but it's also about helping them.
During our work on Kids Games this summer, it came to our attention that homeless people spend a lot of time simply walking. They walk from one service provider to another, from wherever they happen to be camping out to less isolated places, and they walk because people don't want them hanging around, and so call the police in order to get them to move on. With that much walking, and having no place to launder clothes, a homeless man or woman can quickly wear through a pair of socks or shoes.
Part of the work of Oceanside's Bread of Life and Brother Benno's is to distribute clean, soft cotton socks. Socks are cheap, but an important commodity for people who spend most of the day walking outside. That's where the idea for our walk-a-thon was born.
Kids who take the challenge will agree to walk for two hours on Saturday morning, October 3. The walk will be held in our church parking lot, and kids will raise sponsorship money, which will then be used to buy new socks which Bread of Life and Benno's will distribute.
Here are three tangible reasons you should encourage your child's involvement:
1. ...because they walk. In 1995, Robert Wuthnow identified some factors of community service that either did or did not increase empathy in teenagers who were performing the service (his book was titled, "Learning to Care". What is important, Wuthnow said, is that kids personally identify with those who are suffering. It's not enough to care about them in the abstract. The best vehicle for growing compassion is direct contact with the recipient of your care. This is why so many families in our congregation believe in the power of having their kids serve with them during a meal at Bread of Life. Seeing the problem is very powerful. If they can also hear what's going on in the lives of homeless people, even better.
So what can we do with a walk-a-thon to create empathy? Granted, safety dictates that our environment be pretty artificial. College students and reporters have immersed themselves in the homeless experience by actually living as a homeless person for days or weeks, and their accounts make for moving reading. But we can give kids a small sense of how long (and maybe, how boring) it is to walk for two hours straight, and then extrapolate that out to what it must feel like to walk for hours a day, and for weeks at a time. Will this short time window transfer into long-term empathy? We'll see.
2. ...to make connections within our ministry. Pre-teens are entering a developmental time when they are crowd-conscious and increasingly aware of their place in crowds. "Who am I?" is less a question that is answered in terms of observable, personal characteristics, and more in relation to "how others see me" and "where I fit" among peers. Events like these, which are less formally structured than a Sunday morning program, help break down walls and give kids the shared experiences that they can refer back to as they carve out a sense of "us" at church. You want that. Camps, sleepovers, bowling outings, small groups - all of these are venues for a kid to loosen up and fit in.
3. ...because service is a habit that promotes spiritual growth. A recent study that appeared in The Journal of Youth Ministry examined whether performing acts of service led to greater participation in what the study called, "Christian faith practices", or whether kids who were already serious about their faith tended to be the ones who performed acts of service. The findings are promising: those who were involved in ministry to their communities did, in fact, tend to have more robust spiritual lives - they prayed, read the Bible, attended services, talked about what they believed, worked for justice, and so on. We tend to program with those practices in view, that if we can get kids to "do Christian things" it will propel them to tangible expressions of their faith. The National Study of Youth and Religion in 2003 found that 50% of churched teenagers had gone on a youth convention or retreat, but only 30% had engaged in church-sponsored missions or service work. It could be, though, that the effect of properly-structured service opportunities awakens something in teenagers (and all of us) that stokes spiritual development.
I hope you'll encourage your child to gather pledges and come out and walk with us on October 3. It's about helping the homeless, yes, but it's also about helping them.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
How (and why) to Use the HomePage
In the past several weeks, kids in 4th-6th grade have learned how worries are like balloons, how holiness is and isn't like fruit hanging from a tree, and how salvation is like the adoption of an orphan. They learned how Esther was "in the right place at the right time", and how Paul showed that God uses unlikely people to fulfill his plan. But I deliberately misuse the word "learned" here. We teachers are fond of talking about "what we've learned" when they really are referring to "what was said". The learning depends on how the message is received and what's done with it after it's been spoken. And that is where the little half-sheet called the HomePage comes in.
We started distributing the HomePage almost three years ago. As stated at the top of each one, its mission is to give parents a jumping-off point for spiritual discussions with their pre-teen, and to serve as a communications link between the 4th-6th grade ministry and the families that we serve." Which is a fancy way of saying the page is one side announcements, one side discussion fodder. Here are some suggestions on why and how to use it.
Why discuss? Why not just tell on a Sunday morning and leave it at that? To understand that, we have to understand how teaching and learning intersect. Many people think that to teach effectively, the transmission of true information is sufficient. Transmitting ideas and information that are true is important, but it is not sufficient, not if you want to achieve the kind of alleigance and buy-in that transforms learners into thinkers and doers. Even on a rote level, kids will not remember most of what they've heard unless it is rehearsed. Of course, we can and should do better than rote. As religious educators we are constantly touching on themes like what it means to be human, to encounter the divine, to give our own lives away, to experience redemption. This demands far more of kids than having them mimic things or nod in assent - it must reach into their every day existence where contradictions between what is known to be true and what is actually lived as though it were true are exposed and reckoned with.
Every good Bible teacher knows this - you don't just teach the Bible for the sake of knowing the facts of the stories; you teach it because you believe the text still speaks today, that its message has some claim on the lives of the hearers, and you want to help them unearth it. Bound up in the idea of a "living and active" word of God is its ability to gnaw at us, to challenge us, to carry with us away from the setting where we received it. Spiritual truth transforms because it endures. We can try to escape the idea that humans are fallen, but we keep running into the reality. We can harbor fantasies of self-redemption, but those fantasies continually crumble.
So we must get learners to ponder, to re-visit, to digest and process ideas that are new if they are to internalize them. "Discussion" carries a threatening connotation to some people because they fear it's an invitation to relativism: if we "discuss" the idea that Jesus is the only way to God, we're opening the door for competing understandings and "that's your truth" kinds of sentiment. But that's not the kind of discussion I'm endorsing. Christian discussion starts with truth and grapples with it, resolving discrepancies, understanding implications, acknowledging difficulties, compensating for our own unbelief. That's healthy, and if done well, facilitates the process of integrating truth into our being. We want people - children included - to be about the work of reconciling the "official theology" with their own, personal, "vernacular" (that is, their "walking around") theology.
How to do it. With this purpose in mind, then, you should approach spiritual dialogue with your kids as a chance both to hear their heart and to share yours. I like the prescription that appeared in Children's Ministry Magazine just this month, urging parents to have spiritual discussions ALOT with their kids: "A" stands for "Ask how your child feels about the topic", "L" stands for "Listen without interrupting", "O" stands for "Open your heart (and your Bible if you need to)", and "T" stands for "Talk about your thoughts and feelings on the subject - and how they're shaped by God's Word." This simple acronym reminds you to let kids speak first and to share with - not lecture to - them.
Resist the urge to turn spiritual discussions into quiz sessions. Kids are keen to understanding when adults are hunting for "just right" answers, and they'll give them if they know it will get them out from under the microscope. For another thing, I don't think spiritual growth comes from regurgitating volumes of facts. To simply quiz a child about content is frustrating for you and for them and in any case does not invite them to engage in the kind of processing that connects head and heart. To this end, most of the questions on the HomePage are open-ended. A parent doesn't have to have been present for the message in order to participate in the dialogue. (Although if your kid is totally lost, an outline is available most weekends at http://surgenotes.blogspot.com/).
Express interest, both in what your child is learning and in what they're saying about it. Scan over the half-sheet before you begin so you're familiar with the main idea and the direction of the discussion. What are your own thoughts on the subject at hand? What do you wonder about? What do you wish you know, but didn't? Don't feel that you have to have all the answers, but give your child instead a sense that adults, too, grapple with applying Christian truth to life. If the topic of the week is why we should love our enemies, yes, it's good for kids to know that Jesus said it and that it comes from the Sermon on the Mount. But how much more powerful for them to hear their mom or dad talk through how they've struggled to love someone who's difficult, and what they did to persevere through it? You want, with spiritual discussion, to establish a climate not of spiritual perfectionism (because we're not) but of honesty and openness, where children and adults alike can narrate the process of living out their faith.
You'll get the best results if you spiritually dialogue with your kids regularly - that is, at the same time and in the same place, and do it every week. It may take time for your kids to trust that they really can say anything and that you're not just checking up on them to reward whether they were listening or not. Keep in mind that often when adults ask kids questions it's so that they can judge them: "Is your homework done?" "Did you clean your room?" "Have you practiced piano today?" "What's the capital of Delaware?" I'm convinced this is why most kids aren't comfortable conversing with adults, because they take what's meant to be a conversation starter (like, "What did you do today?") as the beginning of a line of interrogation. There may be times when you'll use questions in that way; but not during spiritual talks. You can "warm your kids up" to dialogue by making it an informal practice to ask them what they think about all kinds of things. This will pave the way for sharing of the stuff that really matters later on.
A caution: the older kids get, the more reticent they are to share spiritual insights? Why is this? Researchers David Hay and Rebecca Nye believe it may have to do with how adults react. Hay and Nye, in their work with school-aged children, found it difficult to get older kids to trust them enough to talk about spiritual things. Not only does "Right!" tend to curttail what kids will offer up (because it puts them in quiz mode), but adult responses that are overly gratuitous or that value the "cuteness" of what a child says rather than dignifying it tend in the long run to discourage kids from opening up. In other words, take kids and their contributions seriously. I so valued a camp conversation I once had with a boy who told me he'd looked up to the sky and seen a face that looked like Satan's scowling, and then another face that looked like God's, smiling. Our natural skepticism can easily dismiss or challenge his perception - from "Yeah, right" to "How does he know what Satan and God look like?" - but for me it was a window into his soul and a gateway to discussing spiritual reality that we wouldn't otherwise have had.
Kid learners aren't adult learners, and our goal shouldn't necessarily be to make them into that. With development will come the ability to sit still for longer periods, to think in highly abstract ways, to relate a speaker's experiences to our own, to expand their vocabulary. Our job is to work with what we've got, and at this age (every age, really), revisiting what was taught and inviting kids to reprocess is vital. We can, and should, put lots of effort into teaching. But we should never assume that a lesson well-organized, well-illustrated, and well-delivered will equal well-learned. To discern that, we must get inside kids' heads to see if what we meant to communicate made it through in the translation. And there's only one way to find out.
We started distributing the HomePage almost three years ago. As stated at the top of each one, its mission is to give parents a jumping-off point for spiritual discussions with their pre-teen, and to serve as a communications link between the 4th-6th grade ministry and the families that we serve." Which is a fancy way of saying the page is one side announcements, one side discussion fodder. Here are some suggestions on why and how to use it.
Why discuss? Why not just tell on a Sunday morning and leave it at that? To understand that, we have to understand how teaching and learning intersect. Many people think that to teach effectively, the transmission of true information is sufficient. Transmitting ideas and information that are true is important, but it is not sufficient, not if you want to achieve the kind of alleigance and buy-in that transforms learners into thinkers and doers. Even on a rote level, kids will not remember most of what they've heard unless it is rehearsed. Of course, we can and should do better than rote. As religious educators we are constantly touching on themes like what it means to be human, to encounter the divine, to give our own lives away, to experience redemption. This demands far more of kids than having them mimic things or nod in assent - it must reach into their every day existence where contradictions between what is known to be true and what is actually lived as though it were true are exposed and reckoned with.
Every good Bible teacher knows this - you don't just teach the Bible for the sake of knowing the facts of the stories; you teach it because you believe the text still speaks today, that its message has some claim on the lives of the hearers, and you want to help them unearth it. Bound up in the idea of a "living and active" word of God is its ability to gnaw at us, to challenge us, to carry with us away from the setting where we received it. Spiritual truth transforms because it endures. We can try to escape the idea that humans are fallen, but we keep running into the reality. We can harbor fantasies of self-redemption, but those fantasies continually crumble.
So we must get learners to ponder, to re-visit, to digest and process ideas that are new if they are to internalize them. "Discussion" carries a threatening connotation to some people because they fear it's an invitation to relativism: if we "discuss" the idea that Jesus is the only way to God, we're opening the door for competing understandings and "that's your truth" kinds of sentiment. But that's not the kind of discussion I'm endorsing. Christian discussion starts with truth and grapples with it, resolving discrepancies, understanding implications, acknowledging difficulties, compensating for our own unbelief. That's healthy, and if done well, facilitates the process of integrating truth into our being. We want people - children included - to be about the work of reconciling the "official theology" with their own, personal, "vernacular" (that is, their "walking around") theology.
How to do it. With this purpose in mind, then, you should approach spiritual dialogue with your kids as a chance both to hear their heart and to share yours. I like the prescription that appeared in Children's Ministry Magazine just this month, urging parents to have spiritual discussions ALOT with their kids: "A" stands for "Ask how your child feels about the topic", "L" stands for "Listen without interrupting", "O" stands for "Open your heart (and your Bible if you need to)", and "T" stands for "Talk about your thoughts and feelings on the subject - and how they're shaped by God's Word." This simple acronym reminds you to let kids speak first and to share with - not lecture to - them.
Resist the urge to turn spiritual discussions into quiz sessions. Kids are keen to understanding when adults are hunting for "just right" answers, and they'll give them if they know it will get them out from under the microscope. For another thing, I don't think spiritual growth comes from regurgitating volumes of facts. To simply quiz a child about content is frustrating for you and for them and in any case does not invite them to engage in the kind of processing that connects head and heart. To this end, most of the questions on the HomePage are open-ended. A parent doesn't have to have been present for the message in order to participate in the dialogue. (Although if your kid is totally lost, an outline is available most weekends at http://surgenotes.blogspot.com/).
Express interest, both in what your child is learning and in what they're saying about it. Scan over the half-sheet before you begin so you're familiar with the main idea and the direction of the discussion. What are your own thoughts on the subject at hand? What do you wonder about? What do you wish you know, but didn't? Don't feel that you have to have all the answers, but give your child instead a sense that adults, too, grapple with applying Christian truth to life. If the topic of the week is why we should love our enemies, yes, it's good for kids to know that Jesus said it and that it comes from the Sermon on the Mount. But how much more powerful for them to hear their mom or dad talk through how they've struggled to love someone who's difficult, and what they did to persevere through it? You want, with spiritual discussion, to establish a climate not of spiritual perfectionism (because we're not) but of honesty and openness, where children and adults alike can narrate the process of living out their faith.
You'll get the best results if you spiritually dialogue with your kids regularly - that is, at the same time and in the same place, and do it every week. It may take time for your kids to trust that they really can say anything and that you're not just checking up on them to reward whether they were listening or not. Keep in mind that often when adults ask kids questions it's so that they can judge them: "Is your homework done?" "Did you clean your room?" "Have you practiced piano today?" "What's the capital of Delaware?" I'm convinced this is why most kids aren't comfortable conversing with adults, because they take what's meant to be a conversation starter (like, "What did you do today?") as the beginning of a line of interrogation. There may be times when you'll use questions in that way; but not during spiritual talks. You can "warm your kids up" to dialogue by making it an informal practice to ask them what they think about all kinds of things. This will pave the way for sharing of the stuff that really matters later on.
A caution: the older kids get, the more reticent they are to share spiritual insights? Why is this? Researchers David Hay and Rebecca Nye believe it may have to do with how adults react. Hay and Nye, in their work with school-aged children, found it difficult to get older kids to trust them enough to talk about spiritual things. Not only does "Right!" tend to curttail what kids will offer up (because it puts them in quiz mode), but adult responses that are overly gratuitous or that value the "cuteness" of what a child says rather than dignifying it tend in the long run to discourage kids from opening up. In other words, take kids and their contributions seriously. I so valued a camp conversation I once had with a boy who told me he'd looked up to the sky and seen a face that looked like Satan's scowling, and then another face that looked like God's, smiling. Our natural skepticism can easily dismiss or challenge his perception - from "Yeah, right" to "How does he know what Satan and God look like?" - but for me it was a window into his soul and a gateway to discussing spiritual reality that we wouldn't otherwise have had.
Kid learners aren't adult learners, and our goal shouldn't necessarily be to make them into that. With development will come the ability to sit still for longer periods, to think in highly abstract ways, to relate a speaker's experiences to our own, to expand their vocabulary. Our job is to work with what we've got, and at this age (every age, really), revisiting what was taught and inviting kids to reprocess is vital. We can, and should, put lots of effort into teaching. But we should never assume that a lesson well-organized, well-illustrated, and well-delivered will equal well-learned. To discern that, we must get inside kids' heads to see if what we meant to communicate made it through in the translation. And there's only one way to find out.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Full Steam Ahead!
A new year of our midweek program, STEAM, is about to begin. Once again this year we will meet form 6-7:30 Wednesday nights (the same time as the midweek program from age 4-3rd grade, KidZone) here at the church. in 90 minutes, kids get to "blow off STEAM" in a physical or art activity, and "take on STEAM" in an elective class. Here's what's up for electives this fall:
Beginner Guitar This class is for kids with some or no experience playing guitar. It will cover basic chords and rhythms in strumming. There is no charge, but you must bring a tuneable, acoustic guitar (no electrics) to the class. Class is for six weeks and then will be repeated with a different instructor the second six weeks, so kids are welcome to sign up for either or both sessions. We are limiting this class to 10, so pre-registration is highly recommended.
Acting Skills Workshop This is a non-competitive workshop on how to act. Projection, stage direction, using your body and developing characters will all be covered. This is a six-week class and will be repeated in identical form the second six weeks. There is no charge for this elective, but it is limited to 15 kids per session, so again pre-registration is advised.
PG-13 is a class designed for parents of older preteens who are just beginning or on the verge of adolescence. Answering a need to help sixth graders especially as they make the jump to middle school, this course will educate parents on how to adjust their parenting to give a young adolescent what he or she needs. The second 45 minutes, kids will be brought in to interact with their parents in exercises designed to stimulate conversations on values, friendships, communication, and conflict. For more information, pick up a separate PG-13 brochure and see last week's blog post. Cost is $30 per family (Mom or Dad or both may attend - and this is also an appropriate class for grandparents or others who are the primary guardians of a child). Offered only during the first six weeks.
The Gospel According to Mayberry Based on the same concept used in the adult Bible study called, "The Mayberry Bible Study", this is a Bible study adapted for kids that uses characters and scenes from The Andy Griffith Show. Episodes become modern-day parables and themes like friendship, honesty, and grace are drawn out and explored as they pertain to the characters' lives. A different study will happen each week. This is the elective to choose especially if you cannot make a six- or twelve-week commitment to any of the others, because the studies stand alone (rather than building on a previous week). No charge.
The Secret of Handling Money God's Way Wouldn't it have been great if someone had laid the groundwork for responsible money management with you before you got in over your head? Responsible spending, saving, and giving begins well before someone has lots of money, and that's the philosophy behind this study from Crown Financial Ministries. This is their adult course specially adapted for kids 8-12 years old. In it, kids follow the story of a group of friends who are saving money for summer camp, and a grandfather who helps them understand how to be stewards, rather than just consumers, of what God has given them. We've broken this 12-lesson study up into 24 bite-sized chunks. Lessons 1-3 will be offered weeks 1-6 this fall (and known as "Part 1"), while lessons 4-6 will happen weeks 7-12 this fall ("Part 2"), with lessons 7-12 being offered during the spring. Kids are welcome to sign up for any or all of Parts 1-4. There is a one-time fee of $15 for the book, which is used for all sessions.
Drawing Again this year we will offer the popular drawing elective, with a new instructional book, so kids who were in drawing last year are welcome to re-enroll this year. Using drawing to teach the Bible is deceptively simple: as kids focus on drawing the scene or character of the week, a story related to that is read aloud and discussed. And kids become quite good at what they're drawing! There is a one-time fee of $10 for materials.
Cooking In this class, kids make and bake and draw out spiritual lessons as they do so. Last year, for instance, they made pretzels and talked about how the forming process is like the idea that God is the potter, we are the clay. This class will be offered during the first six weeks and then repeated the second six weeks, so kids should sign up for one or the other. There is a $15 materials fee. Limited to 15 kids each session, so pre-registration is highly recommended.
Juggling Even kids with little coordination can learn to juggle, progressing from silk scarves to beanbags to tennis balls. Juggling improves eye-hand coordination and builds self-confidence - and draws a crowd. The difficulty of achieving "perfection" and the focus it requires makes for some great parallels about the gospel and walking in a saving relationship with God. $15 equipment fee, which includes a set of professional juggling beanbags that kids get to keep. This class is only offered during the second six weeks (October 28-December 9).
For parents during STEAM: Once again we will be offering some programs for parents as well during the 6-7:30 pm time window. In addition to PG-13, which is intended for parents of kids just entering or about to enter adolescence, a new class called "Positive Parenting" will be offered, in which parents will learn how to use language, encouragement, and positive reinforcement to promote desirable behaviors, and also how to discourage and eliminate negative ones. This class is designed to combat the tug-of-war and battle of wills between parents and kids and promote family harmony. It was launched successfully at a church in Orange County and now NCCC has been chosen as the program's first pilot site. Mothers and fathers are encouraged to attend together. Cost is $30 per person or $50 per couple for the six-week session (Sept. 16-Oct. 21).
Want to help at STEAM? In addition to hands-on help with the kids, we can always use more check-in and troubleshooting help, especially in the early weeks as kids don't always know where to go. Contact Joy Beidel if you want to help.
One more thing: Please keep your commitment to come to STEAM once you've signed up for an elective. Our program runs on the efforts of about 20 volunteers who generously give their time to invest in kids. Enrollment in some electives is limited, so if your child signs up but then doesn't come, they are taking a spot away from another child who could benefit. Please weigh this when signing up for electives.
Beginner Guitar This class is for kids with some or no experience playing guitar. It will cover basic chords and rhythms in strumming. There is no charge, but you must bring a tuneable, acoustic guitar (no electrics) to the class. Class is for six weeks and then will be repeated with a different instructor the second six weeks, so kids are welcome to sign up for either or both sessions. We are limiting this class to 10, so pre-registration is highly recommended.
Acting Skills Workshop This is a non-competitive workshop on how to act. Projection, stage direction, using your body and developing characters will all be covered. This is a six-week class and will be repeated in identical form the second six weeks. There is no charge for this elective, but it is limited to 15 kids per session, so again pre-registration is advised.
PG-13 is a class designed for parents of older preteens who are just beginning or on the verge of adolescence. Answering a need to help sixth graders especially as they make the jump to middle school, this course will educate parents on how to adjust their parenting to give a young adolescent what he or she needs. The second 45 minutes, kids will be brought in to interact with their parents in exercises designed to stimulate conversations on values, friendships, communication, and conflict. For more information, pick up a separate PG-13 brochure and see last week's blog post. Cost is $30 per family (Mom or Dad or both may attend - and this is also an appropriate class for grandparents or others who are the primary guardians of a child). Offered only during the first six weeks.
The Gospel According to Mayberry Based on the same concept used in the adult Bible study called, "The Mayberry Bible Study", this is a Bible study adapted for kids that uses characters and scenes from The Andy Griffith Show. Episodes become modern-day parables and themes like friendship, honesty, and grace are drawn out and explored as they pertain to the characters' lives. A different study will happen each week. This is the elective to choose especially if you cannot make a six- or twelve-week commitment to any of the others, because the studies stand alone (rather than building on a previous week). No charge.
The Secret of Handling Money God's Way Wouldn't it have been great if someone had laid the groundwork for responsible money management with you before you got in over your head? Responsible spending, saving, and giving begins well before someone has lots of money, and that's the philosophy behind this study from Crown Financial Ministries. This is their adult course specially adapted for kids 8-12 years old. In it, kids follow the story of a group of friends who are saving money for summer camp, and a grandfather who helps them understand how to be stewards, rather than just consumers, of what God has given them. We've broken this 12-lesson study up into 24 bite-sized chunks. Lessons 1-3 will be offered weeks 1-6 this fall (and known as "Part 1"), while lessons 4-6 will happen weeks 7-12 this fall ("Part 2"), with lessons 7-12 being offered during the spring. Kids are welcome to sign up for any or all of Parts 1-4. There is a one-time fee of $15 for the book, which is used for all sessions.
Drawing Again this year we will offer the popular drawing elective, with a new instructional book, so kids who were in drawing last year are welcome to re-enroll this year. Using drawing to teach the Bible is deceptively simple: as kids focus on drawing the scene or character of the week, a story related to that is read aloud and discussed. And kids become quite good at what they're drawing! There is a one-time fee of $10 for materials.
Cooking In this class, kids make and bake and draw out spiritual lessons as they do so. Last year, for instance, they made pretzels and talked about how the forming process is like the idea that God is the potter, we are the clay. This class will be offered during the first six weeks and then repeated the second six weeks, so kids should sign up for one or the other. There is a $15 materials fee. Limited to 15 kids each session, so pre-registration is highly recommended.
Juggling Even kids with little coordination can learn to juggle, progressing from silk scarves to beanbags to tennis balls. Juggling improves eye-hand coordination and builds self-confidence - and draws a crowd. The difficulty of achieving "perfection" and the focus it requires makes for some great parallels about the gospel and walking in a saving relationship with God. $15 equipment fee, which includes a set of professional juggling beanbags that kids get to keep. This class is only offered during the second six weeks (October 28-December 9).
For parents during STEAM: Once again we will be offering some programs for parents as well during the 6-7:30 pm time window. In addition to PG-13, which is intended for parents of kids just entering or about to enter adolescence, a new class called "Positive Parenting" will be offered, in which parents will learn how to use language, encouragement, and positive reinforcement to promote desirable behaviors, and also how to discourage and eliminate negative ones. This class is designed to combat the tug-of-war and battle of wills between parents and kids and promote family harmony. It was launched successfully at a church in Orange County and now NCCC has been chosen as the program's first pilot site. Mothers and fathers are encouraged to attend together. Cost is $30 per person or $50 per couple for the six-week session (Sept. 16-Oct. 21).
Want to help at STEAM? In addition to hands-on help with the kids, we can always use more check-in and troubleshooting help, especially in the early weeks as kids don't always know where to go. Contact Joy Beidel if you want to help.
One more thing: Please keep your commitment to come to STEAM once you've signed up for an elective. Our program runs on the efforts of about 20 volunteers who generously give their time to invest in kids. Enrollment in some electives is limited, so if your child signs up but then doesn't come, they are taking a spot away from another child who could benefit. Please weigh this when signing up for electives.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Leading a Sixth Grader, Standing at the Side
The amount of variation within the 4th-6th grade age range is pretty vast. The problem isn't that we're comprised of three grades, really: even if we were only charged with ministering to one grade there would still be a gulf between the most mature and the least mature in the bunch. That's the nature of this age range, and it explains why 4th graders and 6th graders can be friends, but also why an 11-year-old boy can be content to ride his bike around one day, be talking with his friends about girls the next day, and be asking to go to Legoland the day after that!
In talking to parents, however, it has been noted again and again that a real change happens once kids hit sixth grade. Much of this is due to the fact that some school districts (not all) send their sixth graders up to middle schools. The new challenges of managing relationships with several different teachers, being a really small fish in a big pond, and encountering units on world religions in social studies make sixth grade a bridge year for many students. It was out of this reality that our newest class, "PG-13", was born.
PG-13 will be offered this fall on Wednesday nights. Borrowing a page from the successful Mother-Daughter class that happened last spring, the first half of the class time will be spent with parents only, while the second half will bring parents and kids together for activities and dialogue meant to raise awareness and prepare parents and kids - as a team - to navigate the sometimes rocky road of adolescence.
PG-13 is not a class about puberty. It's more about the consequences of the package of changes that come with adolescence - changes in friendships, family dynamics, moods, and values and goals. Our hope is to give parents and kids a chance to get real with one another, as well as start the journey of adolescence out on the right foot.
We start with the premise that the prevailing, stereotypical model of parent-teenager relationships is deficient. But, it's little wonder - if you go into parenting an adolescent expecting that they're going to end up hating you, you're likely to get just that. Does teenagerhood bring stressors and issues into the family that weren't there when kids were sweet six- and seven-year-olds? Sure. But we refuse to believe the parent-child relationship is destined for war. In fact, we'd better not believe that. Parents remain, through their child's adolescence, the most willing, consistent, and persistent influences in a child's life. It's just that the way they exercise that influence has to change. That's because a major developmental task (think of it as the "work") of adolescence is for a child to develop their distinct, individual identity and to exercise greater and greater degrees of autonomy, gradually owning more of his or her own life. So at the same time as parents retain the position of authority and Influencer-In-Chief, the one subjected to that influence and authority is preparing to find their own way.
So a major focus of PG-13 is teaching parents the art of leading their kids from the side, so that more and more responsibility is given away yet parents and kids remain close enough that love and guidance are readily dispensed, and received. The other paradox parents of teenagers work under is this one: great numbers of teenagers complain that their parents "don't understand them", yet for the parents' part, "He/She won't talk to me!" We untangle this by exploring the changes - physical, social, emotional, moral, and spiritual - that are common to all adolescents, at the same time recognizing that development follows no strict timetable in any given individual. Here's where techniques to show love and invest specifically in your child (starting with the 45 minute parent/child time, but not ending there) will lead down the road of knowing your child and how they're wired. We'll teach you how to be an encourager. We'll talk about dealing with moods and attitudes, since both can rear their ugly heads ferociously and sometimes for the first time in early adolescence (leaving you to wonder, "What happened to my kid?"). We'll talk about peer pressure and the changing nature of friendships as kids get older and how to communicate with each other in a way that solves problems rather than escalating them.
What can be accomplished in six, 90-minute sessions? While we acknowledge that it's only a start, and there are far more resources and topics that we could delve into than we have time for - still, well-begun is half done. If all that happens is that parents find a sympathetic ear in other parents who are also a little apprehensive about the brave new world of parenting a middle schooler, we will have done some good. If, on top of that, we can equip parents with some insights that help them understand young adolescents in general and their own child in particular, and they begin to get a grasp of what it is to lead from the side, that's even better. If we succeed in building some experiences that lead to a closer, deeper relationship between you and your pre-teen - better still. But if we can turn out a class of parents who get what it is to exercise constructive influence, so that they actually look forward to parenting teenagers, parents who become evangelists for the idea that we can replace the worn-out parent-teen model of alienation and conflict with a model of warmth, support, and engagement - well, now we're talkin'.
And please don't think that PG-13 is only for parents who are wading into the waters of parenting an adolescent for the very first time. If your sixth grader is a middle child or the youngest, you just might have the answer or be the resource that someone else in the room needs. Everyone can benefit from insight on things like being an active listener, or learning your child's love language, or handling someone else's strong emotions. PG-13 is for veterans as well as novices.
It's also not restricted just to sixth graders, even though the class emerged from discussions pertaining to their experience. Any kid in fourth or fifth grade may benefit, too, and there's nothing in the class that should make you squeamish - it's more a question of relevancy, and generally speaking, a fourth or fifth grader doesn't live in the same social dynamic as a sixth grader (particularly at school).
One more note: unlike the Mother-Daughter class, this class can work with parents and kids of opposite genders. Ideally moms and dads would both attend, but if schedules don't allow that, it's perfectly appropriate for a mom and son to attend together, or a dad and his daughter.
In coming weeks I'll detail in this space the other fall offerings on Wednesday nights, including another class on parenting for which NCCC has been chosen as a pilot site. It's a class I know is going to bring great relief to many households. And for 4th-6th graders, STEAM is about to re-start (September 16) with a slate of neat electives, some returning from last year and others brand new.
As I complete my second full year at the church and my third summer, I remain convinced that churches' support of parents and their growth is the key to kids' spiritual growth. PG-13 won't meet every need, but we hope it's a step in the right direction, something that dispels fears of middle school, strengthens the bond between you and your growing-up child, gives parents and kids the skills to deal with new challenges, and gives parents hope and the confidence that they need not fear adolescence. Rather, we hope they'll embrace it as a singular opportunity to work with kids who want to be treated as adults, aren't yet, but soon will be.
In talking to parents, however, it has been noted again and again that a real change happens once kids hit sixth grade. Much of this is due to the fact that some school districts (not all) send their sixth graders up to middle schools. The new challenges of managing relationships with several different teachers, being a really small fish in a big pond, and encountering units on world religions in social studies make sixth grade a bridge year for many students. It was out of this reality that our newest class, "PG-13", was born.
PG-13 will be offered this fall on Wednesday nights. Borrowing a page from the successful Mother-Daughter class that happened last spring, the first half of the class time will be spent with parents only, while the second half will bring parents and kids together for activities and dialogue meant to raise awareness and prepare parents and kids - as a team - to navigate the sometimes rocky road of adolescence.
PG-13 is not a class about puberty. It's more about the consequences of the package of changes that come with adolescence - changes in friendships, family dynamics, moods, and values and goals. Our hope is to give parents and kids a chance to get real with one another, as well as start the journey of adolescence out on the right foot.
We start with the premise that the prevailing, stereotypical model of parent-teenager relationships is deficient. But, it's little wonder - if you go into parenting an adolescent expecting that they're going to end up hating you, you're likely to get just that. Does teenagerhood bring stressors and issues into the family that weren't there when kids were sweet six- and seven-year-olds? Sure. But we refuse to believe the parent-child relationship is destined for war. In fact, we'd better not believe that. Parents remain, through their child's adolescence, the most willing, consistent, and persistent influences in a child's life. It's just that the way they exercise that influence has to change. That's because a major developmental task (think of it as the "work") of adolescence is for a child to develop their distinct, individual identity and to exercise greater and greater degrees of autonomy, gradually owning more of his or her own life. So at the same time as parents retain the position of authority and Influencer-In-Chief, the one subjected to that influence and authority is preparing to find their own way.
So a major focus of PG-13 is teaching parents the art of leading their kids from the side, so that more and more responsibility is given away yet parents and kids remain close enough that love and guidance are readily dispensed, and received. The other paradox parents of teenagers work under is this one: great numbers of teenagers complain that their parents "don't understand them", yet for the parents' part, "He/She won't talk to me!" We untangle this by exploring the changes - physical, social, emotional, moral, and spiritual - that are common to all adolescents, at the same time recognizing that development follows no strict timetable in any given individual. Here's where techniques to show love and invest specifically in your child (starting with the 45 minute parent/child time, but not ending there) will lead down the road of knowing your child and how they're wired. We'll teach you how to be an encourager. We'll talk about dealing with moods and attitudes, since both can rear their ugly heads ferociously and sometimes for the first time in early adolescence (leaving you to wonder, "What happened to my kid?"). We'll talk about peer pressure and the changing nature of friendships as kids get older and how to communicate with each other in a way that solves problems rather than escalating them.
What can be accomplished in six, 90-minute sessions? While we acknowledge that it's only a start, and there are far more resources and topics that we could delve into than we have time for - still, well-begun is half done. If all that happens is that parents find a sympathetic ear in other parents who are also a little apprehensive about the brave new world of parenting a middle schooler, we will have done some good. If, on top of that, we can equip parents with some insights that help them understand young adolescents in general and their own child in particular, and they begin to get a grasp of what it is to lead from the side, that's even better. If we succeed in building some experiences that lead to a closer, deeper relationship between you and your pre-teen - better still. But if we can turn out a class of parents who get what it is to exercise constructive influence, so that they actually look forward to parenting teenagers, parents who become evangelists for the idea that we can replace the worn-out parent-teen model of alienation and conflict with a model of warmth, support, and engagement - well, now we're talkin'.
And please don't think that PG-13 is only for parents who are wading into the waters of parenting an adolescent for the very first time. If your sixth grader is a middle child or the youngest, you just might have the answer or be the resource that someone else in the room needs. Everyone can benefit from insight on things like being an active listener, or learning your child's love language, or handling someone else's strong emotions. PG-13 is for veterans as well as novices.
It's also not restricted just to sixth graders, even though the class emerged from discussions pertaining to their experience. Any kid in fourth or fifth grade may benefit, too, and there's nothing in the class that should make you squeamish - it's more a question of relevancy, and generally speaking, a fourth or fifth grader doesn't live in the same social dynamic as a sixth grader (particularly at school).
One more note: unlike the Mother-Daughter class, this class can work with parents and kids of opposite genders. Ideally moms and dads would both attend, but if schedules don't allow that, it's perfectly appropriate for a mom and son to attend together, or a dad and his daughter.
In coming weeks I'll detail in this space the other fall offerings on Wednesday nights, including another class on parenting for which NCCC has been chosen as a pilot site. It's a class I know is going to bring great relief to many households. And for 4th-6th graders, STEAM is about to re-start (September 16) with a slate of neat electives, some returning from last year and others brand new.
As I complete my second full year at the church and my third summer, I remain convinced that churches' support of parents and their growth is the key to kids' spiritual growth. PG-13 won't meet every need, but we hope it's a step in the right direction, something that dispels fears of middle school, strengthens the bond between you and your growing-up child, gives parents and kids the skills to deal with new challenges, and gives parents hope and the confidence that they need not fear adolescence. Rather, we hope they'll embrace it as a singular opportunity to work with kids who want to be treated as adults, aren't yet, but soon will be.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Who Cares About Hurting Kids?
"Whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matt. 25:40
Who are the least of us when it comes to children? Some people would say children themselves, because of their dependent status. But there are lots of benefits to being a kid, too. Some would say those who live in poverty, or AIDS orphans in Third World countries. Hard to argue with that. But what about right here, in Carlsbad-Encinitas-Oceanside USA? Who is it that's needing the care, the touch, the attention - crying out, if perhaps not audibly?
Turns out the hurting ones aren't so obvious because we see them every day. They are the kids who are privately grieving the loss of a parent or other family member or the break-up of their mom and dad's marriage. Too often that grief goes unprocessed.
Just this week CNN reported on a study showing the long-term negative health effects of divorce. These are important considerations - the stress of losing a spouse to divorce or death produces a 20 percent higher rate of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. But, at least those effects are measurable. Children, whose bodies are healthier, aren't likely to develop the same detrimental health conditions - and that can work against them.
A healthy body is only one reason kids will suffer in silence. Another factor that causes us to assume "they're doing ok" is the lack of outward emotional response when asked how they're feeling. But don't let that reticence fool you. "Good" or "ok" is more a sign of an under-developed emotional vocabulary than it is a true picture of how they're handling things. The truth is that kids usually don't know how they're doing. They don't have the life experience to know what is normal. They can vaguely sense when things are "good" or "not good", but in time, even the bad or wrong can become the norm, and then how will they answer the question?
Giving kids the emotional language to express pain is part of what a new program at NCCC, "Growing Seasons", is all about. We've known for some time that this is a hole in what we offer to children and families. It's good to be concerned about the kids touched by divorce and death in our midst - we have lots of them. It's better to identify them and come alongside, to tell them we care and offer to listen. But it's best to put together a structured, proven program run by trained facilitators who have a strategy for helping kids grow through grief.
That's where we need your help. Growing Seasons is now looking for its first class of adult facilitators. If you care about kids who are hurting, have a love for God and people, and can commit one night a week for a period of 10-12 weeks, you may be in a position to help grieving kids. The program is being run by Pam Douty of our counseling department and Kathy Dimoff, who recently retired after a career in school psychology. Pam and Kathy have explored a few programs and found Growing Seasons to be the best fit for our church. The groups, when they're launched, will be made up of no more than five kids, and have two adult facilitators per group. The program will serve kids ages four through 6th grade.
You will be equipped by the training to take kids through the course. And you'll be blessed as see kids begin to open up and process through the hurt, anger, disappointment, blame, and loss that's been buried inside. Our church's hope is to launch the first set of groups this fall, which means the time to recruit and train is now.
The second way in which you can help is by spreading the word once this program has launched. Of course, this program is open to any child, regardless of where or whether their family attends church. If you have a child who has experienced death or divorce, Growing Seasons may be right for them. Again, don't assume that because they look ok or say they're ok that they are ok. The ability to "bounce back" after disappointing or disadvantageous life events is called "resiliency", and we know some about how it develops, but we know that it's unevenly distributed across the human race. Grief isn't always sadness. It can displace as anger, aggression, withdrawal, fear, distractability and inattention, neediness, or moodiness. Pam Douty can help you decide if Growing Seasons would be appropriate for your child.
Who cares about hurting kids? Everyone should. But in dealing with a group that doesn't know its own emotions and may need special help to process them, caring doesn't go far enough. We owe it to kids to give them the very best - the very best listeners, the most understanding friends, the best-trained facilitators, and the best-informed helpers when it comes to helping kids get through (a better phrase than "get over") death and divorce. Loss hurts, but it shouldn't have to disable. We know how to help kids - are you willing?
To find out more about becoming a facilitator in the Growing Seasons program, contact Pam Douty at 760-929-0029 x314 or Kathy Dimoff, 760-942-3457.
Who are the least of us when it comes to children? Some people would say children themselves, because of their dependent status. But there are lots of benefits to being a kid, too. Some would say those who live in poverty, or AIDS orphans in Third World countries. Hard to argue with that. But what about right here, in Carlsbad-Encinitas-Oceanside USA? Who is it that's needing the care, the touch, the attention - crying out, if perhaps not audibly?
Turns out the hurting ones aren't so obvious because we see them every day. They are the kids who are privately grieving the loss of a parent or other family member or the break-up of their mom and dad's marriage. Too often that grief goes unprocessed.
Just this week CNN reported on a study showing the long-term negative health effects of divorce. These are important considerations - the stress of losing a spouse to divorce or death produces a 20 percent higher rate of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. But, at least those effects are measurable. Children, whose bodies are healthier, aren't likely to develop the same detrimental health conditions - and that can work against them.
A healthy body is only one reason kids will suffer in silence. Another factor that causes us to assume "they're doing ok" is the lack of outward emotional response when asked how they're feeling. But don't let that reticence fool you. "Good" or "ok" is more a sign of an under-developed emotional vocabulary than it is a true picture of how they're handling things. The truth is that kids usually don't know how they're doing. They don't have the life experience to know what is normal. They can vaguely sense when things are "good" or "not good", but in time, even the bad or wrong can become the norm, and then how will they answer the question?
Giving kids the emotional language to express pain is part of what a new program at NCCC, "Growing Seasons", is all about. We've known for some time that this is a hole in what we offer to children and families. It's good to be concerned about the kids touched by divorce and death in our midst - we have lots of them. It's better to identify them and come alongside, to tell them we care and offer to listen. But it's best to put together a structured, proven program run by trained facilitators who have a strategy for helping kids grow through grief.
That's where we need your help. Growing Seasons is now looking for its first class of adult facilitators. If you care about kids who are hurting, have a love for God and people, and can commit one night a week for a period of 10-12 weeks, you may be in a position to help grieving kids. The program is being run by Pam Douty of our counseling department and Kathy Dimoff, who recently retired after a career in school psychology. Pam and Kathy have explored a few programs and found Growing Seasons to be the best fit for our church. The groups, when they're launched, will be made up of no more than five kids, and have two adult facilitators per group. The program will serve kids ages four through 6th grade.
You will be equipped by the training to take kids through the course. And you'll be blessed as see kids begin to open up and process through the hurt, anger, disappointment, blame, and loss that's been buried inside. Our church's hope is to launch the first set of groups this fall, which means the time to recruit and train is now.
The second way in which you can help is by spreading the word once this program has launched. Of course, this program is open to any child, regardless of where or whether their family attends church. If you have a child who has experienced death or divorce, Growing Seasons may be right for them. Again, don't assume that because they look ok or say they're ok that they are ok. The ability to "bounce back" after disappointing or disadvantageous life events is called "resiliency", and we know some about how it develops, but we know that it's unevenly distributed across the human race. Grief isn't always sadness. It can displace as anger, aggression, withdrawal, fear, distractability and inattention, neediness, or moodiness. Pam Douty can help you decide if Growing Seasons would be appropriate for your child.
Who cares about hurting kids? Everyone should. But in dealing with a group that doesn't know its own emotions and may need special help to process them, caring doesn't go far enough. We owe it to kids to give them the very best - the very best listeners, the most understanding friends, the best-trained facilitators, and the best-informed helpers when it comes to helping kids get through (a better phrase than "get over") death and divorce. Loss hurts, but it shouldn't have to disable. We know how to help kids - are you willing?
To find out more about becoming a facilitator in the Growing Seasons program, contact Pam Douty at 760-929-0029 x314 or Kathy Dimoff, 760-942-3457.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Not of This World
This week was the 40th anniversary of the moon landing. I wasn't born when it happened, but of course anyone school-aged and older in 1969 can tell you exactly where they watched it and what they felt. But whatever electric thrill an average American felt, for the astronauts, it was that times 1000. And that's the paradox of transcendent experiences - when something is too great for words, how do you begin to tell about it?
The cover story in TIME Magazine told the story not only of the Apollo 11 astronauts, but of everyone who ever made an Apollo mission - just 24 in all - noting that their lives after space were not unlike what happens to any celebrity who's exhausted their 15 minutes of fame. Only for an astronaut, there was never really a chance that fame would be revived, at least not in the sphere of space. Another celebrity can get a book deal, a reality TV series, a movie role. But once you've been to the moon? There's really no topping that. The commander of Apollo 15, Dave Scott, told Time that when he returned from the moon, his neighbors threw him a barbecue. But being there didn't feel quite right: "I thought, 'What am I doing here?'"
Did Paul feel the same way, after he was given his vision of heaven that he describes in 2 Corinthians 12? Did Moses, after he spoke with God? The Bible says he had to wear a veil after those encounters because the rest of the Israelites were afraid to come near him. Yet the veil concealed what was really happening: the glory of Moses' face was actually fading. And 2 Corinthians 3 goes on to tell us that Moses' ministry (that is, the law) brought death - yet it brought so much glory; "how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness!"
This business of radiant faces and fading glory has rich implications for ministry. First of all, the Old Testament should never be taught divorced from the New. The Old Testament alone is not the good news. In fact, Romans assures us that, standing alone, it is bad news! No one becomes righteous by observing the law - so only the assurance that "a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known" (3:21) begins to change things for us. The Law brings death, but the Spirit brings life. We are fooling ourselves if we think that by delivering kids the Law - even in entertaining or memorable ways - it will make them joyful subjects of the King. Yet it's easy to fall into this, by extracting some "do" principle from every Bible story we teach. Christianity is a religion of doing, of action - sometimes. But sometimes it's a religion of being. Sometimes it's a religion of encounter, of wonder, of experience. Sometimes we just get to receive.
Secondly, Moses first encountered God and then was a witness to the encounter. The experience was authentic and so profound, Moses didn't have to practice change, he was changed. He didn't do witness, he was the witness. I wonder if one reason American Christians are so lukewarm about sharing their faith is that we've reduced faith to its cognitive component and sharing it to an apologetic exercise; but that stops short of its fullness. "Sharing our faith" should be like telling about the time we climbed Mt. Everest, or skydived for the first time, or survived a plane crash. No kid is going to get excited to tell his friend about the Law of God. But what if they've actually encountered God? That could be a different story.
A third observation stems from the second: if we're going to be effective in transmitting the faith (read: a vibrant relationship, not just a set of propositions or rules), then we ourselves must get and stay immersed in our own encountering. I made that word up, but the tense is deliberate. I've seen too many kids listen to too many adults deliver testimonies of how they met the Lord ten or more years ago and be totally nonplussed. Kids live in the now, and where and how God is acting now should be more a part of our testimony anyhow.
Fourth and finally, however, we should be mindful that words will never do God justice. Books on theology are always doomed to fail: either they will be too short and too underwhelming that they don't do justice to all that God is, or they will be hopelessly complex in an attempt to nail down every characteristic and agency of God - putting God in a box, but missing. There has to be room for wonder and mystery and a humble acknowledgement of what we don't know. Our teaching should never leave Jesus in the past, but always invite kids to meet him in the present. Did the Israelites meet God through Moses? No, they saw God's glory reflected on his face. That itself was an invitation to repent, to obey, to enter a relationship with God through faith.
This is why Christianity cannot be inherited, nor can it be taught, exactly. In fact, so much great teaching doesn't break new ground as much as it puts into words what the hearer has experienced or is experiencing. We give kids words like "holiness" and "forgiveness" and "salvation" and "eternity" so that they can have language to attach to spiritual reality. Ultimately, we want kids to regard God as not just "bigger than" the Superbowl, or a fireworks show, or the ocean, or all the money in the world, but in fact "different from" all of those things, in a class of his own. We should strive to attach such reverence to spiritual things that when kids enter into them, they experience something other-worldly, and the rest of the world seems strange and ordinary. Maybe then, like the astronauts who visited the moon, they'd be compelled to return to it again and again.
The cover story in TIME Magazine told the story not only of the Apollo 11 astronauts, but of everyone who ever made an Apollo mission - just 24 in all - noting that their lives after space were not unlike what happens to any celebrity who's exhausted their 15 minutes of fame. Only for an astronaut, there was never really a chance that fame would be revived, at least not in the sphere of space. Another celebrity can get a book deal, a reality TV series, a movie role. But once you've been to the moon? There's really no topping that. The commander of Apollo 15, Dave Scott, told Time that when he returned from the moon, his neighbors threw him a barbecue. But being there didn't feel quite right: "I thought, 'What am I doing here?'"
Did Paul feel the same way, after he was given his vision of heaven that he describes in 2 Corinthians 12? Did Moses, after he spoke with God? The Bible says he had to wear a veil after those encounters because the rest of the Israelites were afraid to come near him. Yet the veil concealed what was really happening: the glory of Moses' face was actually fading. And 2 Corinthians 3 goes on to tell us that Moses' ministry (that is, the law) brought death - yet it brought so much glory; "how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness!"
This business of radiant faces and fading glory has rich implications for ministry. First of all, the Old Testament should never be taught divorced from the New. The Old Testament alone is not the good news. In fact, Romans assures us that, standing alone, it is bad news! No one becomes righteous by observing the law - so only the assurance that "a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known" (3:21) begins to change things for us. The Law brings death, but the Spirit brings life. We are fooling ourselves if we think that by delivering kids the Law - even in entertaining or memorable ways - it will make them joyful subjects of the King. Yet it's easy to fall into this, by extracting some "do" principle from every Bible story we teach. Christianity is a religion of doing, of action - sometimes. But sometimes it's a religion of being. Sometimes it's a religion of encounter, of wonder, of experience. Sometimes we just get to receive.
Secondly, Moses first encountered God and then was a witness to the encounter. The experience was authentic and so profound, Moses didn't have to practice change, he was changed. He didn't do witness, he was the witness. I wonder if one reason American Christians are so lukewarm about sharing their faith is that we've reduced faith to its cognitive component and sharing it to an apologetic exercise; but that stops short of its fullness. "Sharing our faith" should be like telling about the time we climbed Mt. Everest, or skydived for the first time, or survived a plane crash. No kid is going to get excited to tell his friend about the Law of God. But what if they've actually encountered God? That could be a different story.
A third observation stems from the second: if we're going to be effective in transmitting the faith (read: a vibrant relationship, not just a set of propositions or rules), then we ourselves must get and stay immersed in our own encountering. I made that word up, but the tense is deliberate. I've seen too many kids listen to too many adults deliver testimonies of how they met the Lord ten or more years ago and be totally nonplussed. Kids live in the now, and where and how God is acting now should be more a part of our testimony anyhow.
Fourth and finally, however, we should be mindful that words will never do God justice. Books on theology are always doomed to fail: either they will be too short and too underwhelming that they don't do justice to all that God is, or they will be hopelessly complex in an attempt to nail down every characteristic and agency of God - putting God in a box, but missing. There has to be room for wonder and mystery and a humble acknowledgement of what we don't know. Our teaching should never leave Jesus in the past, but always invite kids to meet him in the present. Did the Israelites meet God through Moses? No, they saw God's glory reflected on his face. That itself was an invitation to repent, to obey, to enter a relationship with God through faith.
This is why Christianity cannot be inherited, nor can it be taught, exactly. In fact, so much great teaching doesn't break new ground as much as it puts into words what the hearer has experienced or is experiencing. We give kids words like "holiness" and "forgiveness" and "salvation" and "eternity" so that they can have language to attach to spiritual reality. Ultimately, we want kids to regard God as not just "bigger than" the Superbowl, or a fireworks show, or the ocean, or all the money in the world, but in fact "different from" all of those things, in a class of his own. We should strive to attach such reverence to spiritual things that when kids enter into them, they experience something other-worldly, and the rest of the world seems strange and ordinary. Maybe then, like the astronauts who visited the moon, they'd be compelled to return to it again and again.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Boys Make a Discovery
It started in a moment of boredom. The boys of Summer Camp Group 12 were milling around, hoping for another chance at the archery range, but weighing whether it was worth the wait. A trail leading straight up the mountain beckoned, as trails always do, and four of them eagerly answered the call. What started as a simple hike became an unplanned "mountaintop" experience, the pivotal event of these boys' week at camp. And if we care to notice, there's even something valuable for grown-ups who hope to guide spiritual growth, too.
The first thing the four pioneers noticed was the purity of the air, and the openness of the view once they'd reached the first plateau (you always feel like you've conquered something when you finally stand higher than anyone at the bottom). To their credit, they stayed within range of my voice, so that when it was time to come down, they immediately reappeared over the crest of the hill and made their descent.
As a camp counselor, you get used to hearing about everything a kid tells you "you have to see". I had forgotten how an insect can stop kids dead in their tracks, begging further inspection, or how any path but the most obvious one was of course the one they would choose, or the absolute indispensability of a walking stick to an 11-year-old (I understand that one boy smuggled one home on the bus). So when they told me I "had to climb" to where they'd been, I filed it away under one more marvel of nature that they'd soon forget.
But it turns out there was more than scenic beauty that had struck the boys up there. There were, they said, four trees that laid themselves out as the endpoints of a giant cross if viewed from above. They even saw at that time a cross-shaped cloud formation in the sky. One said he felt clean and pure up there (his words), like all his sins had been washed away - "even the sin of Adam"! Could we, they begged, hike up there as a group for our evening Bible study time?
The choice was mine. I could try to redirect or defer their obvious interest, I could commandeer the situation and try to control where it was heading, or I could come along and see what developed. Knowing it was futile to try to steer them away and barely able to keep up with them, I opted for the third choice. Up the hill we went, this time as a group, and each time we stopped to catch our breath and take in the view, it only fueled our desire to go higher and higher. When we finally reached the top, they were elated - elated at the view, elated that they'd all made it, and excited about the mysterious presence of God that seemed to be there. As I sat off at a distance, my lungs heaving and my legs aching, the boys decided the place demanded a memorial, and began to hunt around for materials to erect a cross. They busily scavenged for wood and rocks. Aside from some minor engineering advice and the muscle to lift rocks too heavy for the
m, this was their baby. One boy, after some arm-twisting, agreed to give up a length of rope he'd found earlier that day. Another would later haul a small cinder block all the way up the slope to serve as a base for the vertical post. Another built a small fire pit; when it was later pointed out that it wasn't a good idea to encourage fire-building in a forest, he was persuaded to convert it into an altar.
And so the construction process continued over two days, with the boys proudly augmenting their original design and finding materials at the bottom of the hill that ended up at the top. It was agreed that "Holy Mountain" should remain a secret until all the building was done, at which time they would happily share their discovery with the rest of the groups, which they did in a moving hike and ceremony Friday morning.
But an idyllic spot wasn't the only thing they had discovered. For in the process of building something special for God, of going to a place that was special and rich with his spirit, and of dealing with the inevitable conflicts that sprang up around design and construction, their hearts were opened. As the boys worked, I was able to read to them about Moses' ascent up Mount Sinai to meet with God, and how his face became radiant each time he did, so that the Israelites were afraid to approach him. We read about the people of Israel's generosity in giving of their own wealth and materials in order to build Solomon's temple. We read how when, after that temple had been destroyed and the people exiled, on their return they listened to Ezra read the Book of the Law and they wept because they realized their own disobedience. And whenever we climbed the hill, we began by reading Psalm 24:3-4, which says, "Who may climb the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? Only those whose hands and hearts are pure, who do not worship idols and never tell lies."
I was moved that God was meeting these boys, here. If we deviated from the published curriculum, I'm sure that's forgiveable. These 10 and 11-year-olds were prompted to think about grace and presence and holiness in a way I'm convinced no printed workbook could have done. This is not a boast. I write this instead because the experience with them ratified my belief that kids can have thriving relationships with God now, that they can pray meaningfully for themselves and for each other, that they can be excited about the work of God in their lives, and especially, that we ought not believe that true faith cannot blossom until the crises of teenagerhood set in, as if the true Christian life is limited to battling adult-style temptations and restraining mature sin.
It has become fashionable for those of us in children's ministries to say that parents are responsible for the spiritual development of their kids, and that the church just plays a supporting role. But buried in that assertion is a questionable premise - two really: that parents can make spiritual development happen (they can't, any better than churches can), and conversely, that if parents do nothing, there won't be spiritual development. But this is a view of kids that reduces spirituality to something like subject matter. It is pretty true that unless a kid is introduced to the formal study of algebra, he or she won't learn algebra. Nonetheless, they will still interact with concepts like quantity and equality and balance and measurement, and so whether or not the word "algebra" is ever used, a student whose world is rich in concepts dealing with numbers will, in fact, be exposed to algebra.
What a mistake to think that kids' conceptions of God are limited to what we put before them! Kids think about all manner of things, and God is one of them. Even unchurched kids from irreligious families have thoughts about God and a personalized understanding of how he works (a theology). Kids do not come to churches as empty containers, waiting to be filled. They come as multi-dimensional human beings - already spiritual, already social, already cognitive, already moral, already physical. The job must be to come alongside what's already happening and to somehow shape that. But we can't know unless we spend time and observe; and we can't shape unless we have some idea of where we ought to take kids.
The value of camp, of course, is that life is shared for an extended period so that waking and going to sleep, playing, eating, studying, and navigating the normal crises of everyday life are shared. I can learn a lot about a kid by watching him suit up to climb the tree for the zipline or observing her join a game of Red Rover. Could it be that the real "work" of spiritual guidance is to get kids to see themselves, spiritually, for what and who they really are? And that is: loved by God; created for a reason (not by accident); marred by sin yet retaining that spark of the divine; considered worthy to die for; treasured by God and called to holiness; forgiven, cleansed, and set free. These are ideas that our kids can wrap themselves around and stake their lives upon. How do we get that truth inside of them? It does not come from lecturing. It is, rather, the fruit of discovering. Creating environments and experiences where kids just might become eager enough to seek it for themselves is the greatest gift we can give to them.
The boys of Group 12 came down the mountain Friday morning knowing that they may never lay eyes on their handiwork again. But by that time, it wasn't about keeping the find for themselves. I think I'm right in saying that their common desire was that other kids, years into the future, might somehow have a piece of something as neat as they'd experienced. My hope is similar, but a little different: it is that every parent and every youth leader who has been charged with the spiritual growth of kids gets to witness some time when the spirit of God runs ahead in front of you, so fast and so far you can't catch up, and so profoundly that you don't want to.
The first thing the four pioneers noticed was the purity of the air, and the openness of the view once they'd reached the first plateau (you always feel like you've conquered something when you finally stand higher than anyone at the bottom). To their credit, they stayed within range of my voice, so that when it was time to come down, they immediately reappeared over the crest of the hill and made their descent.
As a camp counselor, you get used to hearing about everything a kid tells you "you have to see". I had forgotten how an insect can stop kids dead in their tracks, begging further inspection, or how any path but the most obvious one was of course the one they would choose, or the absolute indispensability of a walking stick to an 11-year-old (I understand that one boy smuggled one home on the bus). So when they told me I "had to climb" to where they'd been, I filed it away under one more marvel of nature that they'd soon forget.
But it turns out there was more than scenic beauty that had struck the boys up there. There were, they said, four trees that laid themselves out as the endpoints of a giant cross if viewed from above. They even saw at that time a cross-shaped cloud formation in the sky. One said he felt clean and pure up there (his words), like all his sins had been washed away - "even the sin of Adam"! Could we, they begged, hike up there as a group for our evening Bible study time?
The choice was mine. I could try to redirect or defer their obvious interest, I could commandeer the situation and try to control where it was heading, or I could come along and see what developed. Knowing it was futile to try to steer them away and barely able to keep up with them, I opted for the third choice. Up the hill we went, this time as a group, and each time we stopped to catch our breath and take in the view, it only fueled our desire to go higher and higher. When we finally reached the top, they were elated - elated at the view, elated that they'd all made it, and excited about the mysterious presence of God that seemed to be there. As I sat off at a distance, my lungs heaving and my legs aching, the boys decided the place demanded a memorial, and began to hunt around for materials to erect a cross. They busily scavenged for wood and rocks. Aside from some minor engineering advice and the muscle to lift rocks too heavy for the
m, this was their baby. One boy, after some arm-twisting, agreed to give up a length of rope he'd found earlier that day. Another would later haul a small cinder block all the way up the slope to serve as a base for the vertical post. Another built a small fire pit; when it was later pointed out that it wasn't a good idea to encourage fire-building in a forest, he was persuaded to convert it into an altar.And so the construction process continued over two days, with the boys proudly augmenting their original design and finding materials at the bottom of the hill that ended up at the top. It was agreed that "Holy Mountain" should remain a secret until all the building was done, at which time they would happily share their discovery with the rest of the groups, which they did in a moving hike and ceremony Friday morning.
But an idyllic spot wasn't the only thing they had discovered. For in the process of building something special for God, of going to a place that was special and rich with his spirit, and of dealing with the inevitable conflicts that sprang up around design and construction, their hearts were opened. As the boys worked, I was able to read to them about Moses' ascent up Mount Sinai to meet with God, and how his face became radiant each time he did, so that the Israelites were afraid to approach him. We read about the people of Israel's generosity in giving of their own wealth and materials in order to build Solomon's temple. We read how when, after that temple had been destroyed and the people exiled, on their return they listened to Ezra read the Book of the Law and they wept because they realized their own disobedience. And whenever we climbed the hill, we began by reading Psalm 24:3-4, which says, "Who may climb the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? Only those whose hands and hearts are pure, who do not worship idols and never tell lies."
I was moved that God was meeting these boys, here. If we deviated from the published curriculum, I'm sure that's forgiveable. These 10 and 11-year-olds were prompted to think about grace and presence and holiness in a way I'm convinced no printed workbook could have done. This is not a boast. I write this instead because the experience with them ratified my belief that kids can have thriving relationships with God now, that they can pray meaningfully for themselves and for each other, that they can be excited about the work of God in their lives, and especially, that we ought not believe that true faith cannot blossom until the crises of teenagerhood set in, as if the true Christian life is limited to battling adult-style temptations and restraining mature sin.
It has become fashionable for those of us in children's ministries to say that parents are responsible for the spiritual development of their kids, and that the church just plays a supporting role. But buried in that assertion is a questionable premise - two really: that parents can make spiritual development happen (they can't, any better than churches can), and conversely, that if parents do nothing, there won't be spiritual development. But this is a view of kids that reduces spirituality to something like subject matter. It is pretty true that unless a kid is introduced to the formal study of algebra, he or she won't learn algebra. Nonetheless, they will still interact with concepts like quantity and equality and balance and measurement, and so whether or not the word "algebra" is ever used, a student whose world is rich in concepts dealing with numbers will, in fact, be exposed to algebra.
What a mistake to think that kids' conceptions of God are limited to what we put before them! Kids think about all manner of things, and God is one of them. Even unchurched kids from irreligious families have thoughts about God and a personalized understanding of how he works (a theology). Kids do not come to churches as empty containers, waiting to be filled. They come as multi-dimensional human beings - already spiritual, already social, already cognitive, already moral, already physical. The job must be to come alongside what's already happening and to somehow shape that. But we can't know unless we spend time and observe; and we can't shape unless we have some idea of where we ought to take kids.
The value of camp, of course, is that life is shared for an extended period so that waking and going to sleep, playing, eating, studying, and navigating the normal crises of everyday life are shared. I can learn a lot about a kid by watching him suit up to climb the tree for the zipline or observing her join a game of Red Rover. Could it be that the real "work" of spiritual guidance is to get kids to see themselves, spiritually, for what and who they really are? And that is: loved by God; created for a reason (not by accident); marred by sin yet retaining that spark of the divine; considered worthy to die for; treasured by God and called to holiness; forgiven, cleansed, and set free. These are ideas that our kids can wrap themselves around and stake their lives upon. How do we get that truth inside of them? It does not come from lecturing. It is, rather, the fruit of discovering. Creating environments and experiences where kids just might become eager enough to seek it for themselves is the greatest gift we can give to them.
The boys of Group 12 came down the mountain Friday morning knowing that they may never lay eyes on their handiwork again. But by that time, it wasn't about keeping the find for themselves. I think I'm right in saying that their common desire was that other kids, years into the future, might somehow have a piece of something as neat as they'd experienced. My hope is similar, but a little different: it is that every parent and every youth leader who has been charged with the spiritual growth of kids gets to witness some time when the spirit of God runs ahead in front of you, so fast and so far you can't catch up, and so profoundly that you don't want to.
Friday, June 5, 2009
To the parents of a 6th grader
This week I am going to lay out the best case I can for why, as your son or daughter heads into the brave new world of no-longer-children's ministry, they need to become deeply and meaningfully involved at the junior high level. When kids leave 6th grade, they turn a corner in their church life, so that regardless of their level of participation to this point, their involvement takes on a fresh imperative. My wish is that in two years, we'll be contemplating together how we might keep them involved as they transition to high school ministry.
But first, the task at hand. Your graduating 6th grader needs to stay active in church. There are a lot of reasons this might not happen.
One is the sense of "been there, done that" that sets in around middle school when young teens make it a point to leave childish things (Legos, Pokemon, public hugs from mom or dad) behind. Another is their growing desire to control and direct their own lives, including affiliations. Still another is the surefire way in which our culture conspires against teenagers to indoctrinate them into the apparently very grown-up ethos of "too much to do; too little time." Schools, sports teams, employers who like inexpensive labor, and a society that fears the delinquency that will surely break out if kids have too much free time all do their best to transform 12-year-olds into 22-year-olds who are hooked on adrenaline and dependent on caffeine, who are sleep deprived and irritable, who eat garbage and don't exercise enough - it's a real trap. There is too much to do. But, the pressure this creates to produce and turn inward rather than to engage in some spiritual community where you are invited to serve others and just be is formidable. Yet another reason kids "drop out" is because they genuinely don't know anyone, and who wants to feel out of place when you're 13?
So yes, a lot of reasons may stand between your son or daughter and a church in the next two years. But as it turns out, each of those constitute part of the case for you, as a parent, to ensure your son or daughter's future involvement. Here's why:
Early adolescence - roughly corresponding to 7th and 8th grades - is a time of profound change in kids, second probably only to the first two years of their lives, when they learn - well, everything. Neurologically, the brain is experiencing unprecedented development from birth-2, which makes proper stimulation and nurture essential. But, the brain changes that happen at puberty are no less important, and they are not a myth. It's too easy to look at an adolescent's moodiness or their inflated sense of self or their newfound boldness in challenging authority and chock it up to "hormones". What is happening instead is that they are transitioning into a whole new way of thinking - from concrete-style thought that has trouble handling abstractions, to analytical thinking that can problem-solve and theorize and make good, informed judgments about things.
What happens, though, if the religion they were taught as children - when they thought like children - isn't refreshed, if students don't get a chance to take apart and re-examine and even (gasp!) question what they know to be true? The answer is that religious knowledge stays where it was learned, in childhood. It's kid's stuff. So the first argument for the necessity of your son or daughter's involvement in junior high ministry is cognitive - their minds are ready for and need re-instruction in the faith, now that they're thinking differently.
Abstract thinking also allows us to pursue greater self-knowledge. The ability to see things from others' perspective is a wonderful gift, but in adolescence it gets morphed into a false belief that we are the center of everyone else's world and that they're all watching me! And who am I? The potential for an "identity crisis" grows. Not every adolescent faces full-scale crisis. But all of them have to answer the questions for themselves, of who I am, and what's unique about me, and what are my goals and values. "I" as an entity becomes so important because kids can see what happens to others who are admired or shunned; they want to emulate and appropriate as many of those "winner" qualities as they can.
Identity formation, then, is a second important reason to have your kid immersed in a junior high ministry. You want your kids, as they grapple with questions about who they are to have familiar contact with older Christians who've navigated those waters. Exposure to merely "good role models" isn't the same thing, and it isn't enough! In fact, much of what the culture values in the self-made man or the independent woman is contrary to what we ought to be growing toward: we are dependent beings, made in the image of God, under his authority, experiencing redemption from a fallen nature that is more than we can bear on our own.
And as kids seek out a positive identity, they will certainly look to the crowd to find some affiliation. Adolescent crowds and cliques offer safety against exposure. If I find a group of people who are all different in the way I'm different, or weak where I'm weak, or who dress the way I dress, at least I don't have to answer for myself alone. Socially, you want your adolescent to positively identify with others in their youth group: that's my crowd. That doesn't mean they withdraw from outside activities, but that there exists in their world a group of kids who are being taught to value what is "true...noble...right...pure...lovely...admirable...excellent or praiseworthy" (Phil. 4:8). Everyone is being nudged in the same direction. You want your son or daughter to jump into that current.
There you go - cognitively, personally (as a matter of identity formation), and socially, a 7th grader needs the support that a church youth group can offer. This is the first group of 6th graders who entered our program in 4th grade. Before that, we were just a 5th & 6th grade ministry. It has been a privilege to watch them grow up over three years' time. Sixth grade parents, thanks for your support of our program. I hope your family continues to place a priority on the spiritual development of your sons and daughters.
"What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" Mark 8:36
But first, the task at hand. Your graduating 6th grader needs to stay active in church. There are a lot of reasons this might not happen.
One is the sense of "been there, done that" that sets in around middle school when young teens make it a point to leave childish things (Legos, Pokemon, public hugs from mom or dad) behind. Another is their growing desire to control and direct their own lives, including affiliations. Still another is the surefire way in which our culture conspires against teenagers to indoctrinate them into the apparently very grown-up ethos of "too much to do; too little time." Schools, sports teams, employers who like inexpensive labor, and a society that fears the delinquency that will surely break out if kids have too much free time all do their best to transform 12-year-olds into 22-year-olds who are hooked on adrenaline and dependent on caffeine, who are sleep deprived and irritable, who eat garbage and don't exercise enough - it's a real trap. There is too much to do. But, the pressure this creates to produce and turn inward rather than to engage in some spiritual community where you are invited to serve others and just be is formidable. Yet another reason kids "drop out" is because they genuinely don't know anyone, and who wants to feel out of place when you're 13?
So yes, a lot of reasons may stand between your son or daughter and a church in the next two years. But as it turns out, each of those constitute part of the case for you, as a parent, to ensure your son or daughter's future involvement. Here's why:
Early adolescence - roughly corresponding to 7th and 8th grades - is a time of profound change in kids, second probably only to the first two years of their lives, when they learn - well, everything. Neurologically, the brain is experiencing unprecedented development from birth-2, which makes proper stimulation and nurture essential. But, the brain changes that happen at puberty are no less important, and they are not a myth. It's too easy to look at an adolescent's moodiness or their inflated sense of self or their newfound boldness in challenging authority and chock it up to "hormones". What is happening instead is that they are transitioning into a whole new way of thinking - from concrete-style thought that has trouble handling abstractions, to analytical thinking that can problem-solve and theorize and make good, informed judgments about things.
What happens, though, if the religion they were taught as children - when they thought like children - isn't refreshed, if students don't get a chance to take apart and re-examine and even (gasp!) question what they know to be true? The answer is that religious knowledge stays where it was learned, in childhood. It's kid's stuff. So the first argument for the necessity of your son or daughter's involvement in junior high ministry is cognitive - their minds are ready for and need re-instruction in the faith, now that they're thinking differently.
Abstract thinking also allows us to pursue greater self-knowledge. The ability to see things from others' perspective is a wonderful gift, but in adolescence it gets morphed into a false belief that we are the center of everyone else's world and that they're all watching me! And who am I? The potential for an "identity crisis" grows. Not every adolescent faces full-scale crisis. But all of them have to answer the questions for themselves, of who I am, and what's unique about me, and what are my goals and values. "I" as an entity becomes so important because kids can see what happens to others who are admired or shunned; they want to emulate and appropriate as many of those "winner" qualities as they can.
Identity formation, then, is a second important reason to have your kid immersed in a junior high ministry. You want your kids, as they grapple with questions about who they are to have familiar contact with older Christians who've navigated those waters. Exposure to merely "good role models" isn't the same thing, and it isn't enough! In fact, much of what the culture values in the self-made man or the independent woman is contrary to what we ought to be growing toward: we are dependent beings, made in the image of God, under his authority, experiencing redemption from a fallen nature that is more than we can bear on our own.
And as kids seek out a positive identity, they will certainly look to the crowd to find some affiliation. Adolescent crowds and cliques offer safety against exposure. If I find a group of people who are all different in the way I'm different, or weak where I'm weak, or who dress the way I dress, at least I don't have to answer for myself alone. Socially, you want your adolescent to positively identify with others in their youth group: that's my crowd. That doesn't mean they withdraw from outside activities, but that there exists in their world a group of kids who are being taught to value what is "true...noble...right...pure...lovely...admirable...excellent or praiseworthy" (Phil. 4:8). Everyone is being nudged in the same direction. You want your son or daughter to jump into that current.
There you go - cognitively, personally (as a matter of identity formation), and socially, a 7th grader needs the support that a church youth group can offer. This is the first group of 6th graders who entered our program in 4th grade. Before that, we were just a 5th & 6th grade ministry. It has been a privilege to watch them grow up over three years' time. Sixth grade parents, thanks for your support of our program. I hope your family continues to place a priority on the spiritual development of your sons and daughters.
"What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" Mark 8:36
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