If A.W. Tozer was correct when he said that the most important thing about someone is what they think about God, then what we think about ourselves in light of that has to be a close second. Closing the gap between what people know is true of Christians in general and what they proudly claim to be true about themselves is a chief task of youth ministry. What's at stake? Surprisingly, much more than just that kids feel good about themselves.
Not that having young people feel good about themselves isn't a worthy goal in itself. We adults have tended to minimize adolescent angst as either A. something we all went through so it's no big deal, B. too dramatic and messy to pay attention to, or C. something we'd rather forget. The adolescent identity struggle is messy, and yes, teenagers tend to make mountains out of mole hills. But the emotional tension and hurt experienced as kids strive to answer the question, "Who am I?" is very real, and if the pain is not attended to there can be short-term danger; if the conflict is not successfully resolved, there can be lifelong ramifications.
We rightly ensure that our infants and preschoolers have the most advantages we can marshall, because intuitively we know that wellness today lays the groundwork for wholeness tomorrow. It's just that identity formation is so - complex, that we often throw in the towel, distressed but not surprised about the choices kids make as they try to find their way.
But we'd better care, or we're going to have a heap of trouble on our hands, individually and collectively. Last week in this space Karen Lucas-Howard wrote about her response to the identity crisis she observed in her own daughters, how despite her best pareting efforts to expose them to only healthy influences, the cultural messages about beauty and significance were seeping in. Karen decided on an affirmative strategy: she wrote a book, designed for moms and daughters to work through together as they grapple with some tough questions about who God says girls really are. By what seems like sheer providence, we discovered Karen and her work late last year, and on March 4 her six-week class "Just Who Do You Think You Are?" will debut at our midweek program. When girls don't know who they are, the price is paid in eating disorders, sexual promiscuity, substance abuse, low self-esteem, and body image issues that plague them well into adulthood.
This is reason enough to care that kids make a successful connection between what they've been taught in church and what they really believe in their hearts. But it goes deeper. I have long been convicted and motivated by the statistic that of kids who are active in church youth groups, fully two-thirds will walk away from the church by the time they are young adults. Now, the Barna Group has established that a majority of American kids who were raised in churches have left the church by the time they're 29. (And this should answer those who weren't worried about the post-high school exodus, who rationalized that "they'll come back when they're older". They're not coming back.) This finding needs to permeate and resonate within the entire church's consciousness - not just serve as an indictment of youth ministries.
When a majority of your church population has said no, I believe it's very hard for the Church to win them back; harder, perhaps than attracting those who have never believed. What is a church going to offer by way of teaching that they don't already know? A caring environment for kids - maybe, but families can stay home and have that. What will be the face of the American church shortly if the vast majority of adult attenders are new believers?
But the implications are broader than the national Church. Christianity Today notes in an editorial this month titled (ironically enough) "Who Do You Think You Are?", that ethnic conflict is flaring in areas of the world that also happen to be highly Christianized: Nigeria, Kenya (80% Christian), the Democratic Republic of the Congo (95%). How can this be? How can it be that "Christianity doesn't make a difference," according to Paul Robinson, a Wheaton College professor who was raised in the DRC? The answer boils down to identity. People have failed to internalize the Christian identity to the point that it trumps ethnic or national or political affiliations.
The implication for churches is huge: those that fail to push congregants across the finish line of fully embracing the Christian identity are failing in their work of discipleship. It shouldn't matter if failure means people are doing violence to each other or to one's self, it is a failure that damages the church's witness in the world and undersells the gospel. Churches (youth programs, especially) must go beyond transmitting a set of morals to young people and step into the much harder work of helping kids and teens develop a rich, thriving spirituality that has interior, interpersonal, and vocational dimensions. That's the point at which Christianity "sticks". And it's from there that we see real change.
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Guest Blogger: "Just Who Do You Think You Are?"
“Alright, young lady! Just Who Do You Think You Are?”
By Karen J. Lucas-Howard
Have you ever asked your daughter that question, with an annoyed facial expression and a disapproving tone because you thought that she had overstepped her bounds? I have. But, there came a time when I asked the same question in a different way—with a sincere interest in her answer and a hopeful curiosity as to whether she had been asking herself similar questions and had become acquainted with who she is – her personality, her likes and dislikes, her strengths and weaknesses.
When my two teenage daughters were pre-middle school and middle-school age, I spent a lot of time driving them and their friends to sports activities, school field trips, etc. My dual role as chauffeur and chaperone gave me the opportunity to be the “fly on the wall.” Barely noticed by the girls, I had a front row seat (literally) and felt privileged to be able to infiltrate this secret society without having to take on the giggling, shrieking and overly dramatic persona of the average pre-teen. The price of gasoline (much cheaper then, but would still be worth it today), plus the effort and physical energy it cost me to shuttle them here and there were small prices to pay for the chance to listen to their endless and unfiltered chatter.
The conversations went from simple to funny to interesting to impressive to weird (e.g. “Would you rather dip your head in a pot of boiling oil or wear your skin inside out?”) At any rate, I realized that there was a common thread in most of their discussions. These were all very good, sweet girls who came from families that cared about them and taught them good values and morals. Yet, even though they all went to church regularly and they all went to Christian school daily, their ideas were significantly influenced by the culture.
My husband and I monitored what our girls read, the music they listened to and the programs/movies they watched. However, it concerned me that even the seemingly “innocent” G-rated movies, Disney radio music, Nickelodeon TV shows and advertisements were constantly bombarding kids with wrong messages and blatantly trying to dictate their choices and their thinking.
The culture constantly defines and redefines “the new look”, “the new sound”, “what’s in”, and “what’s out”. Girls are distracted and stressed as they try to keep up with the changes, and they often pay little attention to whether or not they really like the new look, sound, etc.--setting themselves up for a life-long habit of blindly going with the flow. Even worse, many girls resign themselves to the fact that they are not worthy because they know they will never fit the profile of the culture’s description of ‘cool.’ The messages that kids absorb from society are many and often escalate into the realm of immoral and destructive.
I was determined to counter these messages, and as a mom I believed it was my responsibility to teach my girls to think for themselves! I wanted them to: 1) look for the message that’s being conveyed; 2) determine what their personal “true” feelings were; and 3) MOST IMPORTANTLY compare the message and their own thoughts to what God says about the issue—understanding that our ideals and behavior should correspond with God’s instructions!
For parents (especially moms) who want to begin or continue their own counter-culture campaign, I recently published "Just Who Do You Think You Are?", a bible study/activity book for girls 10 years old and up. In the book, three fictional girl guides take the reader on an adventurous tour of YOUston. Through fun activities, humor, and scriptures girls are encouraged to see:
a) their own hearts-- discover their personalities, opinions and interests;
b) the hearts of others—learn important principles that help them effectively relate to others;
c) most importantly, the heart of God--to understand a simple and practical definition of sin and God's gift of salvation through Jesus Christ, and that the Bible is an instruction manual that addresses every aspect of life.
I encourage each mom to take this initial journey with her daughter by completing this book as a team. Undoubtedly, moms will learn new things about their daughters, and I hope that the experience will give girls a chance to see their moms as mentors, allies and cheerleaders.
STEAM is sponsoring a 6-week workshop based on the book, “Just Who Do You Think You Are” for 4th-6th grade girls AND their moms. It begins Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 6pm. During the first 45 minutes, moms will have to chance to meet, socialize, and pray with other moms. Girls will join the class at 6:45 to work through the materials. For more information call Joy Beidel at (760) 579-4130 or e-mail joy@northcoastcalvary.org. Cost of the class is $15, and each pair who registers will get a copy of “Just Who Do You Think You Are”. You can also order additional copies at Amazon.com.
By Karen J. Lucas-Howard
Have you ever asked your daughter that question, with an annoyed facial expression and a disapproving tone because you thought that she had overstepped her bounds? I have. But, there came a time when I asked the same question in a different way—with a sincere interest in her answer and a hopeful curiosity as to whether she had been asking herself similar questions and had become acquainted with who she is – her personality, her likes and dislikes, her strengths and weaknesses.
When my two teenage daughters were pre-middle school and middle-school age, I spent a lot of time driving them and their friends to sports activities, school field trips, etc. My dual role as chauffeur and chaperone gave me the opportunity to be the “fly on the wall.” Barely noticed by the girls, I had a front row seat (literally) and felt privileged to be able to infiltrate this secret society without having to take on the giggling, shrieking and overly dramatic persona of the average pre-teen. The price of gasoline (much cheaper then, but would still be worth it today), plus the effort and physical energy it cost me to shuttle them here and there were small prices to pay for the chance to listen to their endless and unfiltered chatter.
The conversations went from simple to funny to interesting to impressive to weird (e.g. “Would you rather dip your head in a pot of boiling oil or wear your skin inside out?”) At any rate, I realized that there was a common thread in most of their discussions. These were all very good, sweet girls who came from families that cared about them and taught them good values and morals. Yet, even though they all went to church regularly and they all went to Christian school daily, their ideas were significantly influenced by the culture.
My husband and I monitored what our girls read, the music they listened to and the programs/movies they watched. However, it concerned me that even the seemingly “innocent” G-rated movies, Disney radio music, Nickelodeon TV shows and advertisements were constantly bombarding kids with wrong messages and blatantly trying to dictate their choices and their thinking.
The culture constantly defines and redefines “the new look”, “the new sound”, “what’s in”, and “what’s out”. Girls are distracted and stressed as they try to keep up with the changes, and they often pay little attention to whether or not they really like the new look, sound, etc.--setting themselves up for a life-long habit of blindly going with the flow. Even worse, many girls resign themselves to the fact that they are not worthy because they know they will never fit the profile of the culture’s description of ‘cool.’ The messages that kids absorb from society are many and often escalate into the realm of immoral and destructive.
I was determined to counter these messages, and as a mom I believed it was my responsibility to teach my girls to think for themselves! I wanted them to: 1) look for the message that’s being conveyed; 2) determine what their personal “true” feelings were; and 3) MOST IMPORTANTLY compare the message and their own thoughts to what God says about the issue—understanding that our ideals and behavior should correspond with God’s instructions!
For parents (especially moms) who want to begin or continue their own counter-culture campaign, I recently published "Just Who Do You Think You Are?", a bible study/activity book for girls 10 years old and up. In the book, three fictional girl guides take the reader on an adventurous tour of YOUston. Through fun activities, humor, and scriptures girls are encouraged to see:
a) their own hearts-- discover their personalities, opinions and interests;
b) the hearts of others—learn important principles that help them effectively relate to others;
c) most importantly, the heart of God--to understand a simple and practical definition of sin and God's gift of salvation through Jesus Christ, and that the Bible is an instruction manual that addresses every aspect of life.
I encourage each mom to take this initial journey with her daughter by completing this book as a team. Undoubtedly, moms will learn new things about their daughters, and I hope that the experience will give girls a chance to see their moms as mentors, allies and cheerleaders.
STEAM is sponsoring a 6-week workshop based on the book, “Just Who Do You Think You Are” for 4th-6th grade girls AND their moms. It begins Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 6pm. During the first 45 minutes, moms will have to chance to meet, socialize, and pray with other moms. Girls will join the class at 6:45 to work through the materials. For more information call Joy Beidel at (760) 579-4130 or e-mail joy@northcoastcalvary.org. Cost of the class is $15, and each pair who registers will get a copy of “Just Who Do You Think You Are”. You can also order additional copies at Amazon.com.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Oh, Michael; Oh, Us
It took a little while for Michael Phelps' apology this week to register with me. At first I recalled his apology from 2004, when he was 19 and arrested for drunk driving. At that time, Phelps said, "I was taught that no matter how old you are you should always take responsibility for your actions, which I will do." This was after the 2004 Olympics, but still before Phelps became a household name.
Now, in 2009, after eight gold medals last summer and endorsement deals to the tune of multi-millions, Phelps is having to answer for misbehavior again. It's fair to ask: if it weren't for the commercial deals, would he still be apologizing? If it weren't for the continued exposure (in advertisements), would he still be in the spotlight? If it weren't for what the media created, would Michael Phelps be a role model at all?
It might be helpful to re-trace how Phelps got to this point. This was a kid who had trouble paying attention in school, who started swimming because it was an outlet for his boundless energy, who was phenomenal in the pool and signed on with a world-class coach, and the next thing you knew, he was in the Olympics.
But his 15 minutes of fame, largely television-driven, expired months ago. What's kept it alive is advertisers, who are now faced with a decision: is the potential bad press from a photo of Phelps smoking marijuana worth keeping him on as a spokesman? Kellogg's has decided it's not. They'll drop his endorsement deal at the end of February, saying “Michael’s most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg.” Others may follow.
Notice, please, that the quality or depth of his character is not the deciding factor, but rather the commercial risk of guilt by association. Advertisers deal in images, which we consume and which drive our behavior. Kids - and let's admit it, adults - get caught up in this because we're suckers for a good story. Michael Phelps did something extraordinary at the Olympics, for sure. But is that a reflection of his character?
His apology further muddles things. To say, "I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way" doesn't bring any moral clarity. Youthful? Well, isn't that to be expected from someone who is, um, youthful? Inappropriate? For a professional athlete? For a product endorser? For he himself? Or for everyone? It's not clear who he thinks he's let down.
Incidents like these should make us wary of lionizing anyone who has gained fame because of commercial endorsements. All that means is that they are worth money to the company who's employing their image. Companies don't do something for nothing - they are not rewarding Phelps for his accomplishment, for his personality, for his character, or for his athleticism. They are not, in fact, rewarding or honoring him at all. They are taking a calculated risk that whatever it costs to use his image will be recouped several times over. (In the same way, Denny's didn't really give me free breakfast on Tuesday because they thought I needed it...)
Kids need heroes, but adulation should be based on the things that really matter - character - not accomplishments and notoriety. It takes time to judge someone's character. The inner qualities that define a person emerge when we're tested, when we're pushed to be our best, and our worst. It's unfair to Michael Phelps or any celebrity to make them out as "heroes" (in a moral sense) when they're really being chosen for a singular ability or achievement. It makes me think of Charles Barkley's protest in 1993 that "I am not a role model".
Yet he was, and they are, these larger-than-life sports stars. They get built up as heroes, we dig deep to know more, and eventually they do something or we learn something that tarnishes the image. We may, at the end of the day, despair. Or give them a pass and say, "No one is perfect". Neither response, though, is adequate. Here are some practical thoughts on celebrities, heroes, and role models.
1. One of the problems is that our kids know few other adults than family members. They are familiar with the roles of teacher, coach, etc. and what is expected in the role, but they never really get to know the person behind the role, as someone with both positive and negative character traits. As a result, kids turn to media figures who they think they know - but the camera always lies. (Ever known a famous person? They're pretty...ordinary, except when it comes to the thing that made them famous, and they don't usually want to talk about that. Face it: everyone shops at Vons.) It's good for kids to have intergenerational relationships, because those relationships are long-term and actual, not idealized.
2. Find out who your kid's heroes are. This will initiate a great conversation about what kids value and the qualities they are growing towards.
3. Emphasize the role of grace in relationships. "Nobody's perfect" is often used as a cop-out, as in, "nobody's perfect...so don't expect too much of me." Instead, our attitude toward one another should be one of service and humility (and here you could draw in Philippians 2), so that when others let us down we are humbly able to forgive. Point out that grace is present in every relationship. Grace is not "giving up" on each other and expecting the worst, but it is willingly bearing with the worst when it happens - even when that's not deserved. Grace works like motor oil, facilitating repeated interaction without us wearing each other down. Humans must have grace from God to be in relationship with him.
4. Present Biblical heroes truthfully. There is a tendency in church curricula to present Bible characters as superheroes, and the teaching implication is clear: You should be like _______. The full story on any of these people is more nuanced, however. Moses struck the rock; David slept with Bathsheeba; Peter denied Jesus. The real teaching point is that you are these people because you possess a humanity, and the proper focus is on their interaction with God, which God initiates. The question for our kids is not "Can you act like this?" but "Are you available to God and what is he calling you to?"
5. In your own interactions with your kids, be sure to affirm character, not just accomplishment. Young kids need to have character qualities pointed out and named (e.g. "That was very generous when you let your friend have the last cookie"); older kids benefit when someone notices the way they go about a job, not just that the job got done.
We'll probably never move beyond the tendency to elevate the well-known to positions of moral leadership. But every time a Michael Phelps is photographed in a compromising position, a Christian Bale is recording cursing someone out on tape, or an O.J. Simpson is caught orchestrating a crime, it should serve as a big reality check. It should cause us to consider how they became famous, and what fame really honors. It should make us search our own hearts as to whether we value achievement over integrity. Proverbs 22 tells us, "A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold." Do we really believe that?
Now, in 2009, after eight gold medals last summer and endorsement deals to the tune of multi-millions, Phelps is having to answer for misbehavior again. It's fair to ask: if it weren't for the commercial deals, would he still be apologizing? If it weren't for the continued exposure (in advertisements), would he still be in the spotlight? If it weren't for what the media created, would Michael Phelps be a role model at all?
It might be helpful to re-trace how Phelps got to this point. This was a kid who had trouble paying attention in school, who started swimming because it was an outlet for his boundless energy, who was phenomenal in the pool and signed on with a world-class coach, and the next thing you knew, he was in the Olympics.
But his 15 minutes of fame, largely television-driven, expired months ago. What's kept it alive is advertisers, who are now faced with a decision: is the potential bad press from a photo of Phelps smoking marijuana worth keeping him on as a spokesman? Kellogg's has decided it's not. They'll drop his endorsement deal at the end of February, saying “Michael’s most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg.” Others may follow.
Notice, please, that the quality or depth of his character is not the deciding factor, but rather the commercial risk of guilt by association. Advertisers deal in images, which we consume and which drive our behavior. Kids - and let's admit it, adults - get caught up in this because we're suckers for a good story. Michael Phelps did something extraordinary at the Olympics, for sure. But is that a reflection of his character?
His apology further muddles things. To say, "I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way" doesn't bring any moral clarity. Youthful? Well, isn't that to be expected from someone who is, um, youthful? Inappropriate? For a professional athlete? For a product endorser? For he himself? Or for everyone? It's not clear who he thinks he's let down.
Incidents like these should make us wary of lionizing anyone who has gained fame because of commercial endorsements. All that means is that they are worth money to the company who's employing their image. Companies don't do something for nothing - they are not rewarding Phelps for his accomplishment, for his personality, for his character, or for his athleticism. They are not, in fact, rewarding or honoring him at all. They are taking a calculated risk that whatever it costs to use his image will be recouped several times over. (In the same way, Denny's didn't really give me free breakfast on Tuesday because they thought I needed it...)
Kids need heroes, but adulation should be based on the things that really matter - character - not accomplishments and notoriety. It takes time to judge someone's character. The inner qualities that define a person emerge when we're tested, when we're pushed to be our best, and our worst. It's unfair to Michael Phelps or any celebrity to make them out as "heroes" (in a moral sense) when they're really being chosen for a singular ability or achievement. It makes me think of Charles Barkley's protest in 1993 that "I am not a role model".
Yet he was, and they are, these larger-than-life sports stars. They get built up as heroes, we dig deep to know more, and eventually they do something or we learn something that tarnishes the image. We may, at the end of the day, despair. Or give them a pass and say, "No one is perfect". Neither response, though, is adequate. Here are some practical thoughts on celebrities, heroes, and role models.
1. One of the problems is that our kids know few other adults than family members. They are familiar with the roles of teacher, coach, etc. and what is expected in the role, but they never really get to know the person behind the role, as someone with both positive and negative character traits. As a result, kids turn to media figures who they think they know - but the camera always lies. (Ever known a famous person? They're pretty...ordinary, except when it comes to the thing that made them famous, and they don't usually want to talk about that. Face it: everyone shops at Vons.) It's good for kids to have intergenerational relationships, because those relationships are long-term and actual, not idealized.
2. Find out who your kid's heroes are. This will initiate a great conversation about what kids value and the qualities they are growing towards.
3. Emphasize the role of grace in relationships. "Nobody's perfect" is often used as a cop-out, as in, "nobody's perfect...so don't expect too much of me." Instead, our attitude toward one another should be one of service and humility (and here you could draw in Philippians 2), so that when others let us down we are humbly able to forgive. Point out that grace is present in every relationship. Grace is not "giving up" on each other and expecting the worst, but it is willingly bearing with the worst when it happens - even when that's not deserved. Grace works like motor oil, facilitating repeated interaction without us wearing each other down. Humans must have grace from God to be in relationship with him.
4. Present Biblical heroes truthfully. There is a tendency in church curricula to present Bible characters as superheroes, and the teaching implication is clear: You should be like _______. The full story on any of these people is more nuanced, however. Moses struck the rock; David slept with Bathsheeba; Peter denied Jesus. The real teaching point is that you are these people because you possess a humanity, and the proper focus is on their interaction with God, which God initiates. The question for our kids is not "Can you act like this?" but "Are you available to God and what is he calling you to?"
5. In your own interactions with your kids, be sure to affirm character, not just accomplishment. Young kids need to have character qualities pointed out and named (e.g. "That was very generous when you let your friend have the last cookie"); older kids benefit when someone notices the way they go about a job, not just that the job got done.
We'll probably never move beyond the tendency to elevate the well-known to positions of moral leadership. But every time a Michael Phelps is photographed in a compromising position, a Christian Bale is recording cursing someone out on tape, or an O.J. Simpson is caught orchestrating a crime, it should serve as a big reality check. It should cause us to consider how they became famous, and what fame really honors. It should make us search our own hearts as to whether we value achievement over integrity. Proverbs 22 tells us, "A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold." Do we really believe that?
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Kids Are Like Diamonds
Parenting doesn't need to be extraordinary to be effective. But it needs to be present, and it needs to be consistent. When it's not, kids' development is impeded, which is one reason kids are like diamonds.
To say this is not to make a sentimental statement about the worth of children, but an observation about nurture. Just as diamonds are formed over years of constant heat and pressure, an adult is formed over the many years we call childhood and adolescence. To be sure, no one's upbringing is perfect. But the more we understand about adult wellness and adjustment, the more we can trace to formative experiences and environment: what didn't this person get that they needed while growing up?
Ponder it: humans really are amazing. More than mere animals, life for us is not just a matter of answering instincts. We are social and relational, blessed with intrinsic worth and charged with becoming all that we were made to be while at the same time not demeaning or devaluing others, who also were bear the image of God. We, unlike animals, possess this thing called "development", and it is multifaceted: physical, moral, cognitive, social, emotional, and of course, spiritual. In wild animals, only the physical is a given (and even that depends on regular access to adequate food supply). But human babies are born needing their mothers. And this dependency broadens to other caregivers so that influences are many and their effect pronounced.
The paradox is that while we humans develop in a social context, we are also resilient enough that if we miss what we ought to get in one place, we can often make up for it by drawing from another source. Put another way, it is what children possess in their development that matters more than how they get it.
Still, there is an aspect in which the more completely a child's developmental needs are met, the better equipped they are to handle the work of adulthood. And when we say "met", we are not talking about checking off a box, as a one-time obligation is fulfilled. Rather, we are talking about conditions that are persistent throughout childhood and adolescence, what we might refer to as the "character" of any given child's upbringing. And an important factor in character is consistency. If someone is consistently grumpy but occasionally has a good day, we would still say their overall demeanor is unhappy. So it is with kids. Periodic positive inputs are a great enhancement to development, but the real shaping depends on the quality of what they are consistently exposed to: is it warm, supportive, responsive, and so on.
In other words, kids are like diamonds. Singular, positive experiences are helpful, but they are no replacement for long-term, positive influence. We who provide care - parents, mentors, teachers, and other caregivers - don't have to be perfect, but we do need to make long-term commitments to kids' welfare and do the right thing for their development over and over again.
And here are some messages that represent the kind of support I think is best for our "diamonds-in-progress":
1. "I love you for who you are - it's not predicated on something you can do or something I hope you'll accomplish someday."
2. "I am here for you to talk to whenever you have questions or needs."
3. "I will not judge you when you start to question what you believe, because I recognize you are in a process of development."
4. "My job as a parent (or mentor, caregiver, or teacher) is to teach you to live just beyond yourself. That means while I will protect you, I'm also willing to let you fail or experience discomfort if it's for your ultimate good."
Kids who live within the consistency of this brand of nurture experience security and trust; those who receive inconsistent support or lack of support labor in insecurity and doubt. The best churches, schools, and families are those that are agile enough to "keep the pressure up" without being controlling or stifling. There are times when kids need more guidance than others. Truly, development is individual. Yet we know that without consistency - long-term, devoted application of ourselves and our attention - the diamond will not form.
I hope this year you'll avail yourself of something that keeps you motivated to stay the course of what's right for kids - a book, a seminar at the church, a supportive group of fellow parents. Because it doesn't take extraordinary parenting to give kids what they need. It does take commitment to do the right thing, faithfully, with adjustments and fix-its applied as needed. We're on the journey together. Don't quit!
To say this is not to make a sentimental statement about the worth of children, but an observation about nurture. Just as diamonds are formed over years of constant heat and pressure, an adult is formed over the many years we call childhood and adolescence. To be sure, no one's upbringing is perfect. But the more we understand about adult wellness and adjustment, the more we can trace to formative experiences and environment: what didn't this person get that they needed while growing up?
Ponder it: humans really are amazing. More than mere animals, life for us is not just a matter of answering instincts. We are social and relational, blessed with intrinsic worth and charged with becoming all that we were made to be while at the same time not demeaning or devaluing others, who also were bear the image of God. We, unlike animals, possess this thing called "development", and it is multifaceted: physical, moral, cognitive, social, emotional, and of course, spiritual. In wild animals, only the physical is a given (and even that depends on regular access to adequate food supply). But human babies are born needing their mothers. And this dependency broadens to other caregivers so that influences are many and their effect pronounced.
The paradox is that while we humans develop in a social context, we are also resilient enough that if we miss what we ought to get in one place, we can often make up for it by drawing from another source. Put another way, it is what children possess in their development that matters more than how they get it.
Still, there is an aspect in which the more completely a child's developmental needs are met, the better equipped they are to handle the work of adulthood. And when we say "met", we are not talking about checking off a box, as a one-time obligation is fulfilled. Rather, we are talking about conditions that are persistent throughout childhood and adolescence, what we might refer to as the "character" of any given child's upbringing. And an important factor in character is consistency. If someone is consistently grumpy but occasionally has a good day, we would still say their overall demeanor is unhappy. So it is with kids. Periodic positive inputs are a great enhancement to development, but the real shaping depends on the quality of what they are consistently exposed to: is it warm, supportive, responsive, and so on.
In other words, kids are like diamonds. Singular, positive experiences are helpful, but they are no replacement for long-term, positive influence. We who provide care - parents, mentors, teachers, and other caregivers - don't have to be perfect, but we do need to make long-term commitments to kids' welfare and do the right thing for their development over and over again.
And here are some messages that represent the kind of support I think is best for our "diamonds-in-progress":
1. "I love you for who you are - it's not predicated on something you can do or something I hope you'll accomplish someday."
2. "I am here for you to talk to whenever you have questions or needs."
3. "I will not judge you when you start to question what you believe, because I recognize you are in a process of development."
4. "My job as a parent (or mentor, caregiver, or teacher) is to teach you to live just beyond yourself. That means while I will protect you, I'm also willing to let you fail or experience discomfort if it's for your ultimate good."
Kids who live within the consistency of this brand of nurture experience security and trust; those who receive inconsistent support or lack of support labor in insecurity and doubt. The best churches, schools, and families are those that are agile enough to "keep the pressure up" without being controlling or stifling. There are times when kids need more guidance than others. Truly, development is individual. Yet we know that without consistency - long-term, devoted application of ourselves and our attention - the diamond will not form.
I hope this year you'll avail yourself of something that keeps you motivated to stay the course of what's right for kids - a book, a seminar at the church, a supportive group of fellow parents. Because it doesn't take extraordinary parenting to give kids what they need. It does take commitment to do the right thing, faithfully, with adjustments and fix-its applied as needed. We're on the journey together. Don't quit!
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