Kids Are Like Diamonds

Parenting doesn't need to be extraordinary to be effective. But it needs to be present, and it needs to be consistent. When it's not, kids' development is impeded, which is one reason kids are like diamonds.

To say this is not to make a sentimental statement about the worth of children, but an observation about nurture. Just as diamonds are formed over years of constant heat and pressure, an adult is formed over the many years we call childhood and adolescence. To be sure, no one's upbringing is perfect. But the more we understand about adult wellness and adjustment, the more we can trace to formative experiences and environment: what didn't this person get that they needed while growing up?

Ponder it: humans really are amazing. More than mere animals, life for us is not just a matter of answering instincts. We are social and relational, blessed with intrinsic worth and charged with becoming all that we were made to be while at the same time not demeaning or devaluing others, who also were bear the image of God. We, unlike animals, possess this thing called "development", and it is multifaceted: physical, moral, cognitive, social, emotional, and of course, spiritual. In wild animals, only the physical is a given (and even that depends on regular access to adequate food supply). But human babies are born needing their mothers. And this dependency broadens to other caregivers so that influences are many and their effect pronounced.

The paradox is that while we humans develop in a social context, we are also resilient enough that if we miss what we ought to get in one place, we can often make up for it by drawing from another source. Put another way, it is what children possess in their development that matters more than how they get it.

Still, there is an aspect in which the more completely a child's developmental needs are met, the better equipped they are to handle the work of adulthood. And when we say "met", we are not talking about checking off a box, as a one-time obligation is fulfilled. Rather, we are talking about conditions that are persistent throughout childhood and adolescence, what we might refer to as the "character" of any given child's upbringing. And an important factor in character is consistency. If someone is consistently grumpy but occasionally has a good day, we would still say their overall demeanor is unhappy. So it is with kids. Periodic positive inputs are a great enhancement to development, but the real shaping depends on the quality of what they are consistently exposed to: is it warm, supportive, responsive, and so on.

In other words, kids are like diamonds. Singular, positive experiences are helpful, but they are no replacement for long-term, positive influence. We who provide care - parents, mentors, teachers, and other caregivers - don't have to be perfect, but we do need to make long-term commitments to kids' welfare and do the right thing for their development over and over again.

And here are some messages that represent the kind of support I think is best for our "diamonds-in-progress":
1. "I love you for who you are - it's not predicated on something you can do or something I hope you'll accomplish someday."
2. "I am here for you to talk to whenever you have questions or needs."
3. "I will not judge you when you start to question what you believe, because I recognize you are in a process of development."
4. "My job as a parent (or mentor, caregiver, or teacher) is to teach you to live just beyond yourself. That means while I will protect you, I'm also willing to let you fail or experience discomfort if it's for your ultimate good."

Kids who live within the consistency of this brand of nurture experience security and trust; those who receive inconsistent support or lack of support labor in insecurity and doubt. The best churches, schools, and families are those that are agile enough to "keep the pressure up" without being controlling or stifling. There are times when kids need more guidance than others. Truly, development is individual. Yet we know that without consistency - long-term, devoted application of ourselves and our attention - the diamond will not form.

I hope this year you'll avail yourself of something that keeps you motivated to stay the course of what's right for kids - a book, a seminar at the church, a supportive group of fellow parents. Because it doesn't take extraordinary parenting to give kids what they need. It does take commitment to do the right thing, faithfully, with adjustments and fix-its applied as needed. We're on the journey together. Don't quit!