Oh, Michael; Oh, Us

It took a little while for Michael Phelps' apology this week to register with me. At first I recalled his apology from 2004, when he was 19 and arrested for drunk driving. At that time, Phelps said, "I was taught that no matter how old you are you should always take responsibility for your actions, which I will do." This was after the 2004 Olympics, but still before Phelps became a household name.

Now, in 2009, after eight gold medals last summer and endorsement deals to the tune of multi-millions, Phelps is having to answer for misbehavior again. It's fair to ask: if it weren't for the commercial deals, would he still be apologizing? If it weren't for the continued exposure (in advertisements), would he still be in the spotlight? If it weren't for what the media created, would Michael Phelps be a role model at all?

It might be helpful to re-trace how Phelps got to this point. This was a kid who had trouble paying attention in school, who started swimming because it was an outlet for his boundless energy, who was phenomenal in the pool and signed on with a world-class coach, and the next thing you knew, he was in the Olympics.

But his 15 minutes of fame, largely television-driven, expired months ago. What's kept it alive is advertisers, who are now faced with a decision: is the potential bad press from a photo of Phelps smoking marijuana worth keeping him on as a spokesman? Kellogg's has decided it's not. They'll drop his endorsement deal at the end of February, saying “Michael’s most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg.” Others may follow.

Notice, please, that the quality or depth of his character is not the deciding factor, but rather the commercial risk of guilt by association. Advertisers deal in images, which we consume and which drive our behavior. Kids - and let's admit it, adults - get caught up in this because we're suckers for a good story. Michael Phelps did something extraordinary at the Olympics, for sure. But is that a reflection of his character?

His apology further muddles things. To say, "I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way" doesn't bring any moral clarity. Youthful? Well, isn't that to be expected from someone who is, um, youthful? Inappropriate? For a professional athlete? For a product endorser? For he himself? Or for everyone? It's not clear who he thinks he's let down.

Incidents like these should make us wary of lionizing anyone who has gained fame because of commercial endorsements. All that means is that they are worth money to the company who's employing their image. Companies don't do something for nothing - they are not rewarding Phelps for his accomplishment, for his personality, for his character, or for his athleticism. They are not, in fact, rewarding or honoring him at all. They are taking a calculated risk that whatever it costs to use his image will be recouped several times over. (In the same way, Denny's didn't really give me free breakfast on Tuesday because they thought I needed it...)

Kids need heroes, but adulation should be based on the things that really matter - character - not accomplishments and notoriety. It takes time to judge someone's character. The inner qualities that define a person emerge when we're tested, when we're pushed to be our best, and our worst. It's unfair to Michael Phelps or any celebrity to make them out as "heroes" (in a moral sense) when they're really being chosen for a singular ability or achievement. It makes me think of Charles Barkley's protest in 1993 that "I am not a role model".

Yet he was, and they are, these larger-than-life sports stars. They get built up as heroes, we dig deep to know more, and eventually they do something or we learn something that tarnishes the image. We may, at the end of the day, despair. Or give them a pass and say, "No one is perfect". Neither response, though, is adequate. Here are some practical thoughts on celebrities, heroes, and role models.

1. One of the problems is that our kids know few other adults than family members. They are familiar with the roles of teacher, coach, etc. and what is expected in the role, but they never really get to know the person behind the role, as someone with both positive and negative character traits. As a result, kids turn to media figures who they think they know - but the camera always lies. (Ever known a famous person? They're pretty...ordinary, except when it comes to the thing that made them famous, and they don't usually want to talk about that. Face it: everyone shops at Vons.) It's good for kids to have intergenerational relationships, because those relationships are long-term and actual, not idealized.

2. Find out who your kid's heroes are. This will initiate a great conversation about what kids value and the qualities they are growing towards.

3. Emphasize the role of grace in relationships. "Nobody's perfect" is often used as a cop-out, as in, "nobody's perfect...so don't expect too much of me." Instead, our attitude toward one another should be one of service and humility (and here you could draw in Philippians 2), so that when others let us down we are humbly able to forgive. Point out that grace is present in every relationship. Grace is not "giving up" on each other and expecting the worst, but it is willingly bearing with the worst when it happens - even when that's not deserved. Grace works like motor oil, facilitating repeated interaction without us wearing each other down. Humans must have grace from God to be in relationship with him.

4. Present Biblical heroes truthfully. There is a tendency in church curricula to present Bible characters as superheroes, and the teaching implication is clear: You should be like _______. The full story on any of these people is more nuanced, however. Moses struck the rock; David slept with Bathsheeba; Peter denied Jesus. The real teaching point is that you are these people because you possess a humanity, and the proper focus is on their interaction with God, which God initiates. The question for our kids is not "Can you act like this?" but "Are you available to God and what is he calling you to?"

5. In your own interactions with your kids, be sure to affirm character, not just accomplishment. Young kids need to have character qualities pointed out and named (e.g. "That was very generous when you let your friend have the last cookie"); older kids benefit when someone notices the way they go about a job, not just that the job got done.

We'll probably never move beyond the tendency to elevate the well-known to positions of moral leadership. But every time a Michael Phelps is photographed in a compromising position, a Christian Bale is recording cursing someone out on tape, or an O.J. Simpson is caught orchestrating a crime, it should serve as a big reality check. It should cause us to consider how they became famous, and what fame really honors. It should make us search our own hearts as to whether we value achievement over integrity. Proverbs 22 tells us, "A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold." Do we really believe that?