And the old line about "we're just planting seeds" that will bring kids back to the church once they hit their late 20s doesn't work anymore. We do need to be concerned about kids leaving the church (various studies say 70-80% of churched kids will leave after graduating high school) for the same reason we've always been concerned: because ages 15-25 are a critical decade of life. It's when you decide where to go to school, what to do with your life, who to date and possibly marry, where to live...how many decisions did you make between 15 and 25 that dramatically affected the path of your life? (On top of that, people are waiting much longer to get married. By the time they have kids, their lives have already settled into routines that do not include church.)
Now get this: children who have faith-based conversations in their homes are 300% more likely to stay in church after leaving home. (As cited by Jim Burns and Jeremy Lee.)
Not lectures or indoctrination, but conversations.
What do these conversations look like? Jeremy Lee from parentministry.net recently described three different forms these talks might take.
1. "As-you-go" conversations. These are not initiated by your kid, but they're also not planned by you. Instead, you find ways to infuse faith into the conversation. What you're doing here is really "weaving". Just like a single thread can affect or change the look of a piece of woven fabric, when we "weave" allusions to God and spiritual language into our everyday conversation, it gracefully brings spirituality into everyday life. Notice I did not say that it "makes an impact", because it may not - at that moment. Nor is it guaranteed to change your kid's mind, or even launch them into an extended discussion.
But what it does do is make something abstract, concrete. Lee used the example of being at the beach with his sons, and "drifting" down the shore. When they turned around to walk back, and his sons asked him how to know where to get back, Lee told them to look for their beach chairs. Then he said to them:
"Use that as your marker and let's walk back. You know, that kind of reminds me how God is for me, because we kind of drifted away and we needed a center point for where we wanted to be. Do you know that's how God is for me in my life? When I don't know whether something is right or wrong, or if I don't know what I should do, or if I don't know what is true or what is false, God and the Bible and my faith - they're like those beach chairs. They give me something to look at; something to know where I'm supposed to be going in life."
2. Kid-initiated conversations. Remember that kids' questions aren't a cause for alarm! It means their built-in curiosity is at work. When kids ask, shoot a quick prayer to God, thanking Him that their God-given curiosity has been sparked.
A couple of thoughts:
Don't overwhelm them with your answer. If our answer becomes a lecture, kids will be less likely to ask in the future (because who liked getting lectured?).
Turn the question back on them. If it's bothering them enough to ask you, chances are they've already done some deep thinking of their own, and have come to a tentative conclusion. So it's not a bad idea to let them answer first, because their own answer - while not definitive to them - reveals a lot about what their real question or concern is. For example, if a kid asks, "Did our dog go to heaven when he died?" and you come back with, "What do you think?", your child might say something like, "I think so, because he was a good dog, and I want to see him again." That answer points to their real question, which is, "Am I going to like it in heaven?" If you just answer, "yes" or "no", you'll never get at the underlying issue, which touches on your kid's trust in God, His goodness to us, and why eternal life has value.
Don't be afraid to say "I'm not sure"...even if you are! Admitting you don't know shows humility, and teaches that for a lot of our questions, there aren't simple answers. Then help your kid find the answer. Show them how to use a Bible, a concordance, a commentary, or other source (801 Questions Kids Ask about God is a good one).
Why would I say "I'm not sure" if I already know the answer, instead of just giving them the answer? Because this is also an opportunity to demonstrate for them how to find answers. So you might say, "I'm pretty sure it's ___________, and here's why I think that," or, "Let's look at a couple of things the Bible says about it, and see if we can figure it out."
3. Strategic, parent-planned conversations. These can be family devotions (ooh - big topic for another week), talks centering on a particular issue like bullying or drugs or "The Talk" (here's a great resource for that) or more formal things like a rite of passage. These can be the hardest, because while you're geared up for it, your kid may not be. That's why as-you-go and kid-initiated conversations trump parent-planned ones, because kids are more receptive.
Some thoughts:
Don't make it a lecture... Think dialogue. A give and take.
...but don't start by saying, "What questions do you have?", either. You have to give them something to chew on. You're setting the parameters of the discussion, but you'll probably have to ask them questions at the start before they'll offer some of their own.
Don't let yourself be disappointed with the outcome. Lee says that when it comes to rite of passage talks he's had with his kids, "Sometimes it's fabulous and amazing, and other times, it's like, 'ok, thanks' and there's no real reaction. But you know what? That's not my job. My job is not to determine their reaction; my job is to just show up and be strategic."
Above all, talking about faith and spirituality at home brings the subject out into the open. It normalizes it. It heals the separation we may have introduced between "God stuff" and "the rest of life." And it establishes you, the parent - the most willing, consistent, and persistent influence in a kid's life - as a trustworthy person to consult about all of life.
