A new year of our midweek program, STEAM, is about to begin. Once again this year we will meet form 6-7:30 Wednesday nights (the same time as the midweek program from age 4-3rd grade, KidZone) here at the church. in 90 minutes, kids get to "blow off STEAM" in a physical or art activity, and "take on STEAM" in an elective class. Here's what's up for electives this fall:
Beginner Guitar This class is for kids with some or no experience playing guitar. It will cover basic chords and rhythms in strumming. There is no charge, but you must bring a tuneable, acoustic guitar (no electrics) to the class. Class is for six weeks and then will be repeated with a different instructor the second six weeks, so kids are welcome to sign up for either or both sessions. We are limiting this class to 10, so pre-registration is highly recommended.
Acting Skills Workshop This is a non-competitive workshop on how to act. Projection, stage direction, using your body and developing characters will all be covered. This is a six-week class and will be repeated in identical form the second six weeks. There is no charge for this elective, but it is limited to 15 kids per session, so again pre-registration is advised.
PG-13 is a class designed for parents of older preteens who are just beginning or on the verge of adolescence. Answering a need to help sixth graders especially as they make the jump to middle school, this course will educate parents on how to adjust their parenting to give a young adolescent what he or she needs. The second 45 minutes, kids will be brought in to interact with their parents in exercises designed to stimulate conversations on values, friendships, communication, and conflict. For more information, pick up a separate PG-13 brochure and see last week's blog post. Cost is $30 per family (Mom or Dad or both may attend - and this is also an appropriate class for grandparents or others who are the primary guardians of a child). Offered only during the first six weeks.
The Gospel According to Mayberry Based on the same concept used in the adult Bible study called, "The Mayberry Bible Study", this is a Bible study adapted for kids that uses characters and scenes from The Andy Griffith Show. Episodes become modern-day parables and themes like friendship, honesty, and grace are drawn out and explored as they pertain to the characters' lives. A different study will happen each week. This is the elective to choose especially if you cannot make a six- or twelve-week commitment to any of the others, because the studies stand alone (rather than building on a previous week). No charge.
The Secret of Handling Money God's Way Wouldn't it have been great if someone had laid the groundwork for responsible money management with you before you got in over your head? Responsible spending, saving, and giving begins well before someone has lots of money, and that's the philosophy behind this study from Crown Financial Ministries. This is their adult course specially adapted for kids 8-12 years old. In it, kids follow the story of a group of friends who are saving money for summer camp, and a grandfather who helps them understand how to be stewards, rather than just consumers, of what God has given them. We've broken this 12-lesson study up into 24 bite-sized chunks. Lessons 1-3 will be offered weeks 1-6 this fall (and known as "Part 1"), while lessons 4-6 will happen weeks 7-12 this fall ("Part 2"), with lessons 7-12 being offered during the spring. Kids are welcome to sign up for any or all of Parts 1-4. There is a one-time fee of $15 for the book, which is used for all sessions.
Drawing Again this year we will offer the popular drawing elective, with a new instructional book, so kids who were in drawing last year are welcome to re-enroll this year. Using drawing to teach the Bible is deceptively simple: as kids focus on drawing the scene or character of the week, a story related to that is read aloud and discussed. And kids become quite good at what they're drawing! There is a one-time fee of $10 for materials.
Cooking In this class, kids make and bake and draw out spiritual lessons as they do so. Last year, for instance, they made pretzels and talked about how the forming process is like the idea that God is the potter, we are the clay. This class will be offered during the first six weeks and then repeated the second six weeks, so kids should sign up for one or the other. There is a $15 materials fee. Limited to 15 kids each session, so pre-registration is highly recommended.
Juggling Even kids with little coordination can learn to juggle, progressing from silk scarves to beanbags to tennis balls. Juggling improves eye-hand coordination and builds self-confidence - and draws a crowd. The difficulty of achieving "perfection" and the focus it requires makes for some great parallels about the gospel and walking in a saving relationship with God. $15 equipment fee, which includes a set of professional juggling beanbags that kids get to keep. This class is only offered during the second six weeks (October 28-December 9).
For parents during STEAM: Once again we will be offering some programs for parents as well during the 6-7:30 pm time window. In addition to PG-13, which is intended for parents of kids just entering or about to enter adolescence, a new class called "Positive Parenting" will be offered, in which parents will learn how to use language, encouragement, and positive reinforcement to promote desirable behaviors, and also how to discourage and eliminate negative ones. This class is designed to combat the tug-of-war and battle of wills between parents and kids and promote family harmony. It was launched successfully at a church in Orange County and now NCCC has been chosen as the program's first pilot site. Mothers and fathers are encouraged to attend together. Cost is $30 per person or $50 per couple for the six-week session (Sept. 16-Oct. 21).
Want to help at STEAM? In addition to hands-on help with the kids, we can always use more check-in and troubleshooting help, especially in the early weeks as kids don't always know where to go. Contact Joy Beidel if you want to help.
One more thing: Please keep your commitment to come to STEAM once you've signed up for an elective. Our program runs on the efforts of about 20 volunteers who generously give their time to invest in kids. Enrollment in some electives is limited, so if your child signs up but then doesn't come, they are taking a spot away from another child who could benefit. Please weigh this when signing up for electives.
Info, articles, and thoughts for parents of kids at North Coast Calvary Chapel.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Leading a Sixth Grader, Standing at the Side
The amount of variation within the 4th-6th grade age range is pretty vast. The problem isn't that we're comprised of three grades, really: even if we were only charged with ministering to one grade there would still be a gulf between the most mature and the least mature in the bunch. That's the nature of this age range, and it explains why 4th graders and 6th graders can be friends, but also why an 11-year-old boy can be content to ride his bike around one day, be talking with his friends about girls the next day, and be asking to go to Legoland the day after that!
In talking to parents, however, it has been noted again and again that a real change happens once kids hit sixth grade. Much of this is due to the fact that some school districts (not all) send their sixth graders up to middle schools. The new challenges of managing relationships with several different teachers, being a really small fish in a big pond, and encountering units on world religions in social studies make sixth grade a bridge year for many students. It was out of this reality that our newest class, "PG-13", was born.
PG-13 will be offered this fall on Wednesday nights. Borrowing a page from the successful Mother-Daughter class that happened last spring, the first half of the class time will be spent with parents only, while the second half will bring parents and kids together for activities and dialogue meant to raise awareness and prepare parents and kids - as a team - to navigate the sometimes rocky road of adolescence.
PG-13 is not a class about puberty. It's more about the consequences of the package of changes that come with adolescence - changes in friendships, family dynamics, moods, and values and goals. Our hope is to give parents and kids a chance to get real with one another, as well as start the journey of adolescence out on the right foot.
We start with the premise that the prevailing, stereotypical model of parent-teenager relationships is deficient. But, it's little wonder - if you go into parenting an adolescent expecting that they're going to end up hating you, you're likely to get just that. Does teenagerhood bring stressors and issues into the family that weren't there when kids were sweet six- and seven-year-olds? Sure. But we refuse to believe the parent-child relationship is destined for war. In fact, we'd better not believe that. Parents remain, through their child's adolescence, the most willing, consistent, and persistent influences in a child's life. It's just that the way they exercise that influence has to change. That's because a major developmental task (think of it as the "work") of adolescence is for a child to develop their distinct, individual identity and to exercise greater and greater degrees of autonomy, gradually owning more of his or her own life. So at the same time as parents retain the position of authority and Influencer-In-Chief, the one subjected to that influence and authority is preparing to find their own way.
So a major focus of PG-13 is teaching parents the art of leading their kids from the side, so that more and more responsibility is given away yet parents and kids remain close enough that love and guidance are readily dispensed, and received. The other paradox parents of teenagers work under is this one: great numbers of teenagers complain that their parents "don't understand them", yet for the parents' part, "He/She won't talk to me!" We untangle this by exploring the changes - physical, social, emotional, moral, and spiritual - that are common to all adolescents, at the same time recognizing that development follows no strict timetable in any given individual. Here's where techniques to show love and invest specifically in your child (starting with the 45 minute parent/child time, but not ending there) will lead down the road of knowing your child and how they're wired. We'll teach you how to be an encourager. We'll talk about dealing with moods and attitudes, since both can rear their ugly heads ferociously and sometimes for the first time in early adolescence (leaving you to wonder, "What happened to my kid?"). We'll talk about peer pressure and the changing nature of friendships as kids get older and how to communicate with each other in a way that solves problems rather than escalating them.
What can be accomplished in six, 90-minute sessions? While we acknowledge that it's only a start, and there are far more resources and topics that we could delve into than we have time for - still, well-begun is half done. If all that happens is that parents find a sympathetic ear in other parents who are also a little apprehensive about the brave new world of parenting a middle schooler, we will have done some good. If, on top of that, we can equip parents with some insights that help them understand young adolescents in general and their own child in particular, and they begin to get a grasp of what it is to lead from the side, that's even better. If we succeed in building some experiences that lead to a closer, deeper relationship between you and your pre-teen - better still. But if we can turn out a class of parents who get what it is to exercise constructive influence, so that they actually look forward to parenting teenagers, parents who become evangelists for the idea that we can replace the worn-out parent-teen model of alienation and conflict with a model of warmth, support, and engagement - well, now we're talkin'.
And please don't think that PG-13 is only for parents who are wading into the waters of parenting an adolescent for the very first time. If your sixth grader is a middle child or the youngest, you just might have the answer or be the resource that someone else in the room needs. Everyone can benefit from insight on things like being an active listener, or learning your child's love language, or handling someone else's strong emotions. PG-13 is for veterans as well as novices.
It's also not restricted just to sixth graders, even though the class emerged from discussions pertaining to their experience. Any kid in fourth or fifth grade may benefit, too, and there's nothing in the class that should make you squeamish - it's more a question of relevancy, and generally speaking, a fourth or fifth grader doesn't live in the same social dynamic as a sixth grader (particularly at school).
One more note: unlike the Mother-Daughter class, this class can work with parents and kids of opposite genders. Ideally moms and dads would both attend, but if schedules don't allow that, it's perfectly appropriate for a mom and son to attend together, or a dad and his daughter.
In coming weeks I'll detail in this space the other fall offerings on Wednesday nights, including another class on parenting for which NCCC has been chosen as a pilot site. It's a class I know is going to bring great relief to many households. And for 4th-6th graders, STEAM is about to re-start (September 16) with a slate of neat electives, some returning from last year and others brand new.
As I complete my second full year at the church and my third summer, I remain convinced that churches' support of parents and their growth is the key to kids' spiritual growth. PG-13 won't meet every need, but we hope it's a step in the right direction, something that dispels fears of middle school, strengthens the bond between you and your growing-up child, gives parents and kids the skills to deal with new challenges, and gives parents hope and the confidence that they need not fear adolescence. Rather, we hope they'll embrace it as a singular opportunity to work with kids who want to be treated as adults, aren't yet, but soon will be.
In talking to parents, however, it has been noted again and again that a real change happens once kids hit sixth grade. Much of this is due to the fact that some school districts (not all) send their sixth graders up to middle schools. The new challenges of managing relationships with several different teachers, being a really small fish in a big pond, and encountering units on world religions in social studies make sixth grade a bridge year for many students. It was out of this reality that our newest class, "PG-13", was born.
PG-13 will be offered this fall on Wednesday nights. Borrowing a page from the successful Mother-Daughter class that happened last spring, the first half of the class time will be spent with parents only, while the second half will bring parents and kids together for activities and dialogue meant to raise awareness and prepare parents and kids - as a team - to navigate the sometimes rocky road of adolescence.
PG-13 is not a class about puberty. It's more about the consequences of the package of changes that come with adolescence - changes in friendships, family dynamics, moods, and values and goals. Our hope is to give parents and kids a chance to get real with one another, as well as start the journey of adolescence out on the right foot.
We start with the premise that the prevailing, stereotypical model of parent-teenager relationships is deficient. But, it's little wonder - if you go into parenting an adolescent expecting that they're going to end up hating you, you're likely to get just that. Does teenagerhood bring stressors and issues into the family that weren't there when kids were sweet six- and seven-year-olds? Sure. But we refuse to believe the parent-child relationship is destined for war. In fact, we'd better not believe that. Parents remain, through their child's adolescence, the most willing, consistent, and persistent influences in a child's life. It's just that the way they exercise that influence has to change. That's because a major developmental task (think of it as the "work") of adolescence is for a child to develop their distinct, individual identity and to exercise greater and greater degrees of autonomy, gradually owning more of his or her own life. So at the same time as parents retain the position of authority and Influencer-In-Chief, the one subjected to that influence and authority is preparing to find their own way.
So a major focus of PG-13 is teaching parents the art of leading their kids from the side, so that more and more responsibility is given away yet parents and kids remain close enough that love and guidance are readily dispensed, and received. The other paradox parents of teenagers work under is this one: great numbers of teenagers complain that their parents "don't understand them", yet for the parents' part, "He/She won't talk to me!" We untangle this by exploring the changes - physical, social, emotional, moral, and spiritual - that are common to all adolescents, at the same time recognizing that development follows no strict timetable in any given individual. Here's where techniques to show love and invest specifically in your child (starting with the 45 minute parent/child time, but not ending there) will lead down the road of knowing your child and how they're wired. We'll teach you how to be an encourager. We'll talk about dealing with moods and attitudes, since both can rear their ugly heads ferociously and sometimes for the first time in early adolescence (leaving you to wonder, "What happened to my kid?"). We'll talk about peer pressure and the changing nature of friendships as kids get older and how to communicate with each other in a way that solves problems rather than escalating them.
What can be accomplished in six, 90-minute sessions? While we acknowledge that it's only a start, and there are far more resources and topics that we could delve into than we have time for - still, well-begun is half done. If all that happens is that parents find a sympathetic ear in other parents who are also a little apprehensive about the brave new world of parenting a middle schooler, we will have done some good. If, on top of that, we can equip parents with some insights that help them understand young adolescents in general and their own child in particular, and they begin to get a grasp of what it is to lead from the side, that's even better. If we succeed in building some experiences that lead to a closer, deeper relationship between you and your pre-teen - better still. But if we can turn out a class of parents who get what it is to exercise constructive influence, so that they actually look forward to parenting teenagers, parents who become evangelists for the idea that we can replace the worn-out parent-teen model of alienation and conflict with a model of warmth, support, and engagement - well, now we're talkin'.
And please don't think that PG-13 is only for parents who are wading into the waters of parenting an adolescent for the very first time. If your sixth grader is a middle child or the youngest, you just might have the answer or be the resource that someone else in the room needs. Everyone can benefit from insight on things like being an active listener, or learning your child's love language, or handling someone else's strong emotions. PG-13 is for veterans as well as novices.
It's also not restricted just to sixth graders, even though the class emerged from discussions pertaining to their experience. Any kid in fourth or fifth grade may benefit, too, and there's nothing in the class that should make you squeamish - it's more a question of relevancy, and generally speaking, a fourth or fifth grader doesn't live in the same social dynamic as a sixth grader (particularly at school).
One more note: unlike the Mother-Daughter class, this class can work with parents and kids of opposite genders. Ideally moms and dads would both attend, but if schedules don't allow that, it's perfectly appropriate for a mom and son to attend together, or a dad and his daughter.
In coming weeks I'll detail in this space the other fall offerings on Wednesday nights, including another class on parenting for which NCCC has been chosen as a pilot site. It's a class I know is going to bring great relief to many households. And for 4th-6th graders, STEAM is about to re-start (September 16) with a slate of neat electives, some returning from last year and others brand new.
As I complete my second full year at the church and my third summer, I remain convinced that churches' support of parents and their growth is the key to kids' spiritual growth. PG-13 won't meet every need, but we hope it's a step in the right direction, something that dispels fears of middle school, strengthens the bond between you and your growing-up child, gives parents and kids the skills to deal with new challenges, and gives parents hope and the confidence that they need not fear adolescence. Rather, we hope they'll embrace it as a singular opportunity to work with kids who want to be treated as adults, aren't yet, but soon will be.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Who Cares About Hurting Kids?
"Whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matt. 25:40
Who are the least of us when it comes to children? Some people would say children themselves, because of their dependent status. But there are lots of benefits to being a kid, too. Some would say those who live in poverty, or AIDS orphans in Third World countries. Hard to argue with that. But what about right here, in Carlsbad-Encinitas-Oceanside USA? Who is it that's needing the care, the touch, the attention - crying out, if perhaps not audibly?
Turns out the hurting ones aren't so obvious because we see them every day. They are the kids who are privately grieving the loss of a parent or other family member or the break-up of their mom and dad's marriage. Too often that grief goes unprocessed.
Just this week CNN reported on a study showing the long-term negative health effects of divorce. These are important considerations - the stress of losing a spouse to divorce or death produces a 20 percent higher rate of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. But, at least those effects are measurable. Children, whose bodies are healthier, aren't likely to develop the same detrimental health conditions - and that can work against them.
A healthy body is only one reason kids will suffer in silence. Another factor that causes us to assume "they're doing ok" is the lack of outward emotional response when asked how they're feeling. But don't let that reticence fool you. "Good" or "ok" is more a sign of an under-developed emotional vocabulary than it is a true picture of how they're handling things. The truth is that kids usually don't know how they're doing. They don't have the life experience to know what is normal. They can vaguely sense when things are "good" or "not good", but in time, even the bad or wrong can become the norm, and then how will they answer the question?
Giving kids the emotional language to express pain is part of what a new program at NCCC, "Growing Seasons", is all about. We've known for some time that this is a hole in what we offer to children and families. It's good to be concerned about the kids touched by divorce and death in our midst - we have lots of them. It's better to identify them and come alongside, to tell them we care and offer to listen. But it's best to put together a structured, proven program run by trained facilitators who have a strategy for helping kids grow through grief.
That's where we need your help. Growing Seasons is now looking for its first class of adult facilitators. If you care about kids who are hurting, have a love for God and people, and can commit one night a week for a period of 10-12 weeks, you may be in a position to help grieving kids. The program is being run by Pam Douty of our counseling department and Kathy Dimoff, who recently retired after a career in school psychology. Pam and Kathy have explored a few programs and found Growing Seasons to be the best fit for our church. The groups, when they're launched, will be made up of no more than five kids, and have two adult facilitators per group. The program will serve kids ages four through 6th grade.
You will be equipped by the training to take kids through the course. And you'll be blessed as see kids begin to open up and process through the hurt, anger, disappointment, blame, and loss that's been buried inside. Our church's hope is to launch the first set of groups this fall, which means the time to recruit and train is now.
The second way in which you can help is by spreading the word once this program has launched. Of course, this program is open to any child, regardless of where or whether their family attends church. If you have a child who has experienced death or divorce, Growing Seasons may be right for them. Again, don't assume that because they look ok or say they're ok that they are ok. The ability to "bounce back" after disappointing or disadvantageous life events is called "resiliency", and we know some about how it develops, but we know that it's unevenly distributed across the human race. Grief isn't always sadness. It can displace as anger, aggression, withdrawal, fear, distractability and inattention, neediness, or moodiness. Pam Douty can help you decide if Growing Seasons would be appropriate for your child.
Who cares about hurting kids? Everyone should. But in dealing with a group that doesn't know its own emotions and may need special help to process them, caring doesn't go far enough. We owe it to kids to give them the very best - the very best listeners, the most understanding friends, the best-trained facilitators, and the best-informed helpers when it comes to helping kids get through (a better phrase than "get over") death and divorce. Loss hurts, but it shouldn't have to disable. We know how to help kids - are you willing?
To find out more about becoming a facilitator in the Growing Seasons program, contact Pam Douty at 760-929-0029 x314 or Kathy Dimoff, 760-942-3457.
Who are the least of us when it comes to children? Some people would say children themselves, because of their dependent status. But there are lots of benefits to being a kid, too. Some would say those who live in poverty, or AIDS orphans in Third World countries. Hard to argue with that. But what about right here, in Carlsbad-Encinitas-Oceanside USA? Who is it that's needing the care, the touch, the attention - crying out, if perhaps not audibly?
Turns out the hurting ones aren't so obvious because we see them every day. They are the kids who are privately grieving the loss of a parent or other family member or the break-up of their mom and dad's marriage. Too often that grief goes unprocessed.
Just this week CNN reported on a study showing the long-term negative health effects of divorce. These are important considerations - the stress of losing a spouse to divorce or death produces a 20 percent higher rate of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. But, at least those effects are measurable. Children, whose bodies are healthier, aren't likely to develop the same detrimental health conditions - and that can work against them.
A healthy body is only one reason kids will suffer in silence. Another factor that causes us to assume "they're doing ok" is the lack of outward emotional response when asked how they're feeling. But don't let that reticence fool you. "Good" or "ok" is more a sign of an under-developed emotional vocabulary than it is a true picture of how they're handling things. The truth is that kids usually don't know how they're doing. They don't have the life experience to know what is normal. They can vaguely sense when things are "good" or "not good", but in time, even the bad or wrong can become the norm, and then how will they answer the question?
Giving kids the emotional language to express pain is part of what a new program at NCCC, "Growing Seasons", is all about. We've known for some time that this is a hole in what we offer to children and families. It's good to be concerned about the kids touched by divorce and death in our midst - we have lots of them. It's better to identify them and come alongside, to tell them we care and offer to listen. But it's best to put together a structured, proven program run by trained facilitators who have a strategy for helping kids grow through grief.
That's where we need your help. Growing Seasons is now looking for its first class of adult facilitators. If you care about kids who are hurting, have a love for God and people, and can commit one night a week for a period of 10-12 weeks, you may be in a position to help grieving kids. The program is being run by Pam Douty of our counseling department and Kathy Dimoff, who recently retired after a career in school psychology. Pam and Kathy have explored a few programs and found Growing Seasons to be the best fit for our church. The groups, when they're launched, will be made up of no more than five kids, and have two adult facilitators per group. The program will serve kids ages four through 6th grade.
You will be equipped by the training to take kids through the course. And you'll be blessed as see kids begin to open up and process through the hurt, anger, disappointment, blame, and loss that's been buried inside. Our church's hope is to launch the first set of groups this fall, which means the time to recruit and train is now.
The second way in which you can help is by spreading the word once this program has launched. Of course, this program is open to any child, regardless of where or whether their family attends church. If you have a child who has experienced death or divorce, Growing Seasons may be right for them. Again, don't assume that because they look ok or say they're ok that they are ok. The ability to "bounce back" after disappointing or disadvantageous life events is called "resiliency", and we know some about how it develops, but we know that it's unevenly distributed across the human race. Grief isn't always sadness. It can displace as anger, aggression, withdrawal, fear, distractability and inattention, neediness, or moodiness. Pam Douty can help you decide if Growing Seasons would be appropriate for your child.
Who cares about hurting kids? Everyone should. But in dealing with a group that doesn't know its own emotions and may need special help to process them, caring doesn't go far enough. We owe it to kids to give them the very best - the very best listeners, the most understanding friends, the best-trained facilitators, and the best-informed helpers when it comes to helping kids get through (a better phrase than "get over") death and divorce. Loss hurts, but it shouldn't have to disable. We know how to help kids - are you willing?
To find out more about becoming a facilitator in the Growing Seasons program, contact Pam Douty at 760-929-0029 x314 or Kathy Dimoff, 760-942-3457.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Not of This World
This week was the 40th anniversary of the moon landing. I wasn't born when it happened, but of course anyone school-aged and older in 1969 can tell you exactly where they watched it and what they felt. But whatever electric thrill an average American felt, for the astronauts, it was that times 1000. And that's the paradox of transcendent experiences - when something is too great for words, how do you begin to tell about it?
The cover story in TIME Magazine told the story not only of the Apollo 11 astronauts, but of everyone who ever made an Apollo mission - just 24 in all - noting that their lives after space were not unlike what happens to any celebrity who's exhausted their 15 minutes of fame. Only for an astronaut, there was never really a chance that fame would be revived, at least not in the sphere of space. Another celebrity can get a book deal, a reality TV series, a movie role. But once you've been to the moon? There's really no topping that. The commander of Apollo 15, Dave Scott, told Time that when he returned from the moon, his neighbors threw him a barbecue. But being there didn't feel quite right: "I thought, 'What am I doing here?'"
Did Paul feel the same way, after he was given his vision of heaven that he describes in 2 Corinthians 12? Did Moses, after he spoke with God? The Bible says he had to wear a veil after those encounters because the rest of the Israelites were afraid to come near him. Yet the veil concealed what was really happening: the glory of Moses' face was actually fading. And 2 Corinthians 3 goes on to tell us that Moses' ministry (that is, the law) brought death - yet it brought so much glory; "how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness!"
This business of radiant faces and fading glory has rich implications for ministry. First of all, the Old Testament should never be taught divorced from the New. The Old Testament alone is not the good news. In fact, Romans assures us that, standing alone, it is bad news! No one becomes righteous by observing the law - so only the assurance that "a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known" (3:21) begins to change things for us. The Law brings death, but the Spirit brings life. We are fooling ourselves if we think that by delivering kids the Law - even in entertaining or memorable ways - it will make them joyful subjects of the King. Yet it's easy to fall into this, by extracting some "do" principle from every Bible story we teach. Christianity is a religion of doing, of action - sometimes. But sometimes it's a religion of being. Sometimes it's a religion of encounter, of wonder, of experience. Sometimes we just get to receive.
Secondly, Moses first encountered God and then was a witness to the encounter. The experience was authentic and so profound, Moses didn't have to practice change, he was changed. He didn't do witness, he was the witness. I wonder if one reason American Christians are so lukewarm about sharing their faith is that we've reduced faith to its cognitive component and sharing it to an apologetic exercise; but that stops short of its fullness. "Sharing our faith" should be like telling about the time we climbed Mt. Everest, or skydived for the first time, or survived a plane crash. No kid is going to get excited to tell his friend about the Law of God. But what if they've actually encountered God? That could be a different story.
A third observation stems from the second: if we're going to be effective in transmitting the faith (read: a vibrant relationship, not just a set of propositions or rules), then we ourselves must get and stay immersed in our own encountering. I made that word up, but the tense is deliberate. I've seen too many kids listen to too many adults deliver testimonies of how they met the Lord ten or more years ago and be totally nonplussed. Kids live in the now, and where and how God is acting now should be more a part of our testimony anyhow.
Fourth and finally, however, we should be mindful that words will never do God justice. Books on theology are always doomed to fail: either they will be too short and too underwhelming that they don't do justice to all that God is, or they will be hopelessly complex in an attempt to nail down every characteristic and agency of God - putting God in a box, but missing. There has to be room for wonder and mystery and a humble acknowledgement of what we don't know. Our teaching should never leave Jesus in the past, but always invite kids to meet him in the present. Did the Israelites meet God through Moses? No, they saw God's glory reflected on his face. That itself was an invitation to repent, to obey, to enter a relationship with God through faith.
This is why Christianity cannot be inherited, nor can it be taught, exactly. In fact, so much great teaching doesn't break new ground as much as it puts into words what the hearer has experienced or is experiencing. We give kids words like "holiness" and "forgiveness" and "salvation" and "eternity" so that they can have language to attach to spiritual reality. Ultimately, we want kids to regard God as not just "bigger than" the Superbowl, or a fireworks show, or the ocean, or all the money in the world, but in fact "different from" all of those things, in a class of his own. We should strive to attach such reverence to spiritual things that when kids enter into them, they experience something other-worldly, and the rest of the world seems strange and ordinary. Maybe then, like the astronauts who visited the moon, they'd be compelled to return to it again and again.
The cover story in TIME Magazine told the story not only of the Apollo 11 astronauts, but of everyone who ever made an Apollo mission - just 24 in all - noting that their lives after space were not unlike what happens to any celebrity who's exhausted their 15 minutes of fame. Only for an astronaut, there was never really a chance that fame would be revived, at least not in the sphere of space. Another celebrity can get a book deal, a reality TV series, a movie role. But once you've been to the moon? There's really no topping that. The commander of Apollo 15, Dave Scott, told Time that when he returned from the moon, his neighbors threw him a barbecue. But being there didn't feel quite right: "I thought, 'What am I doing here?'"
Did Paul feel the same way, after he was given his vision of heaven that he describes in 2 Corinthians 12? Did Moses, after he spoke with God? The Bible says he had to wear a veil after those encounters because the rest of the Israelites were afraid to come near him. Yet the veil concealed what was really happening: the glory of Moses' face was actually fading. And 2 Corinthians 3 goes on to tell us that Moses' ministry (that is, the law) brought death - yet it brought so much glory; "how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness!"
This business of radiant faces and fading glory has rich implications for ministry. First of all, the Old Testament should never be taught divorced from the New. The Old Testament alone is not the good news. In fact, Romans assures us that, standing alone, it is bad news! No one becomes righteous by observing the law - so only the assurance that "a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known" (3:21) begins to change things for us. The Law brings death, but the Spirit brings life. We are fooling ourselves if we think that by delivering kids the Law - even in entertaining or memorable ways - it will make them joyful subjects of the King. Yet it's easy to fall into this, by extracting some "do" principle from every Bible story we teach. Christianity is a religion of doing, of action - sometimes. But sometimes it's a religion of being. Sometimes it's a religion of encounter, of wonder, of experience. Sometimes we just get to receive.
Secondly, Moses first encountered God and then was a witness to the encounter. The experience was authentic and so profound, Moses didn't have to practice change, he was changed. He didn't do witness, he was the witness. I wonder if one reason American Christians are so lukewarm about sharing their faith is that we've reduced faith to its cognitive component and sharing it to an apologetic exercise; but that stops short of its fullness. "Sharing our faith" should be like telling about the time we climbed Mt. Everest, or skydived for the first time, or survived a plane crash. No kid is going to get excited to tell his friend about the Law of God. But what if they've actually encountered God? That could be a different story.
A third observation stems from the second: if we're going to be effective in transmitting the faith (read: a vibrant relationship, not just a set of propositions or rules), then we ourselves must get and stay immersed in our own encountering. I made that word up, but the tense is deliberate. I've seen too many kids listen to too many adults deliver testimonies of how they met the Lord ten or more years ago and be totally nonplussed. Kids live in the now, and where and how God is acting now should be more a part of our testimony anyhow.
Fourth and finally, however, we should be mindful that words will never do God justice. Books on theology are always doomed to fail: either they will be too short and too underwhelming that they don't do justice to all that God is, or they will be hopelessly complex in an attempt to nail down every characteristic and agency of God - putting God in a box, but missing. There has to be room for wonder and mystery and a humble acknowledgement of what we don't know. Our teaching should never leave Jesus in the past, but always invite kids to meet him in the present. Did the Israelites meet God through Moses? No, they saw God's glory reflected on his face. That itself was an invitation to repent, to obey, to enter a relationship with God through faith.
This is why Christianity cannot be inherited, nor can it be taught, exactly. In fact, so much great teaching doesn't break new ground as much as it puts into words what the hearer has experienced or is experiencing. We give kids words like "holiness" and "forgiveness" and "salvation" and "eternity" so that they can have language to attach to spiritual reality. Ultimately, we want kids to regard God as not just "bigger than" the Superbowl, or a fireworks show, or the ocean, or all the money in the world, but in fact "different from" all of those things, in a class of his own. We should strive to attach such reverence to spiritual things that when kids enter into them, they experience something other-worldly, and the rest of the world seems strange and ordinary. Maybe then, like the astronauts who visited the moon, they'd be compelled to return to it again and again.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Boys Make a Discovery
It started in a moment of boredom. The boys of Summer Camp Group 12 were milling around, hoping for another chance at the archery range, but weighing whether it was worth the wait. A trail leading straight up the mountain beckoned, as trails always do, and four of them eagerly answered the call. What started as a simple hike became an unplanned "mountaintop" experience, the pivotal event of these boys' week at camp. And if we care to notice, there's even something valuable for grown-ups who hope to guide spiritual growth, too.
The first thing the four pioneers noticed was the purity of the air, and the openness of the view once they'd reached the first plateau (you always feel like you've conquered something when you finally stand higher than anyone at the bottom). To their credit, they stayed within range of my voice, so that when it was time to come down, they immediately reappeared over the crest of the hill and made their descent.
As a camp counselor, you get used to hearing about everything a kid tells you "you have to see". I had forgotten how an insect can stop kids dead in their tracks, begging further inspection, or how any path but the most obvious one was of course the one they would choose, or the absolute indispensability of a walking stick to an 11-year-old (I understand that one boy smuggled one home on the bus). So when they told me I "had to climb" to where they'd been, I filed it away under one more marvel of nature that they'd soon forget.
But it turns out there was more than scenic beauty that had struck the boys up there. There were, they said, four trees that laid themselves out as the endpoints of a giant cross if viewed from above. They even saw at that time a cross-shaped cloud formation in the sky. One said he felt clean and pure up there (his words), like all his sins had been washed away - "even the sin of Adam"! Could we, they begged, hike up there as a group for our evening Bible study time?
The choice was mine. I could try to redirect or defer their obvious interest, I could commandeer the situation and try to control where it was heading, or I could come along and see what developed. Knowing it was futile to try to steer them away and barely able to keep up with them, I opted for the third choice. Up the hill we went, this time as a group, and each time we stopped to catch our breath and take in the view, it only fueled our desire to go higher and higher. When we finally reached the top, they were elated - elated at the view, elated that they'd all made it, and excited about the mysterious presence of God that seemed to be there. As I sat off at a distance, my lungs heaving and my legs aching, the boys decided the place demanded a memorial, and began to hunt around for materials to erect a cross. They busily scavenged for wood and rocks. Aside from some minor engineering advice and the muscle to lift rocks too heavy for the
m, this was their baby. One boy, after some arm-twisting, agreed to give up a length of rope he'd found earlier that day. Another would later haul a small cinder block all the way up the slope to serve as a base for the vertical post. Another built a small fire pit; when it was later pointed out that it wasn't a good idea to encourage fire-building in a forest, he was persuaded to convert it into an altar.
And so the construction process continued over two days, with the boys proudly augmenting their original design and finding materials at the bottom of the hill that ended up at the top. It was agreed that "Holy Mountain" should remain a secret until all the building was done, at which time they would happily share their discovery with the rest of the groups, which they did in a moving hike and ceremony Friday morning.
But an idyllic spot wasn't the only thing they had discovered. For in the process of building something special for God, of going to a place that was special and rich with his spirit, and of dealing with the inevitable conflicts that sprang up around design and construction, their hearts were opened. As the boys worked, I was able to read to them about Moses' ascent up Mount Sinai to meet with God, and how his face became radiant each time he did, so that the Israelites were afraid to approach him. We read about the people of Israel's generosity in giving of their own wealth and materials in order to build Solomon's temple. We read how when, after that temple had been destroyed and the people exiled, on their return they listened to Ezra read the Book of the Law and they wept because they realized their own disobedience. And whenever we climbed the hill, we began by reading Psalm 24:3-4, which says, "Who may climb the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? Only those whose hands and hearts are pure, who do not worship idols and never tell lies."
I was moved that God was meeting these boys, here. If we deviated from the published curriculum, I'm sure that's forgiveable. These 10 and 11-year-olds were prompted to think about grace and presence and holiness in a way I'm convinced no printed workbook could have done. This is not a boast. I write this instead because the experience with them ratified my belief that kids can have thriving relationships with God now, that they can pray meaningfully for themselves and for each other, that they can be excited about the work of God in their lives, and especially, that we ought not believe that true faith cannot blossom until the crises of teenagerhood set in, as if the true Christian life is limited to battling adult-style temptations and restraining mature sin.
It has become fashionable for those of us in children's ministries to say that parents are responsible for the spiritual development of their kids, and that the church just plays a supporting role. But buried in that assertion is a questionable premise - two really: that parents can make spiritual development happen (they can't, any better than churches can), and conversely, that if parents do nothing, there won't be spiritual development. But this is a view of kids that reduces spirituality to something like subject matter. It is pretty true that unless a kid is introduced to the formal study of algebra, he or she won't learn algebra. Nonetheless, they will still interact with concepts like quantity and equality and balance and measurement, and so whether or not the word "algebra" is ever used, a student whose world is rich in concepts dealing with numbers will, in fact, be exposed to algebra.
What a mistake to think that kids' conceptions of God are limited to what we put before them! Kids think about all manner of things, and God is one of them. Even unchurched kids from irreligious families have thoughts about God and a personalized understanding of how he works (a theology). Kids do not come to churches as empty containers, waiting to be filled. They come as multi-dimensional human beings - already spiritual, already social, already cognitive, already moral, already physical. The job must be to come alongside what's already happening and to somehow shape that. But we can't know unless we spend time and observe; and we can't shape unless we have some idea of where we ought to take kids.
The value of camp, of course, is that life is shared for an extended period so that waking and going to sleep, playing, eating, studying, and navigating the normal crises of everyday life are shared. I can learn a lot about a kid by watching him suit up to climb the tree for the zipline or observing her join a game of Red Rover. Could it be that the real "work" of spiritual guidance is to get kids to see themselves, spiritually, for what and who they really are? And that is: loved by God; created for a reason (not by accident); marred by sin yet retaining that spark of the divine; considered worthy to die for; treasured by God and called to holiness; forgiven, cleansed, and set free. These are ideas that our kids can wrap themselves around and stake their lives upon. How do we get that truth inside of them? It does not come from lecturing. It is, rather, the fruit of discovering. Creating environments and experiences where kids just might become eager enough to seek it for themselves is the greatest gift we can give to them.
The boys of Group 12 came down the mountain Friday morning knowing that they may never lay eyes on their handiwork again. But by that time, it wasn't about keeping the find for themselves. I think I'm right in saying that their common desire was that other kids, years into the future, might somehow have a piece of something as neat as they'd experienced. My hope is similar, but a little different: it is that every parent and every youth leader who has been charged with the spiritual growth of kids gets to witness some time when the spirit of God runs ahead in front of you, so fast and so far you can't catch up, and so profoundly that you don't want to.
The first thing the four pioneers noticed was the purity of the air, and the openness of the view once they'd reached the first plateau (you always feel like you've conquered something when you finally stand higher than anyone at the bottom). To their credit, they stayed within range of my voice, so that when it was time to come down, they immediately reappeared over the crest of the hill and made their descent.
As a camp counselor, you get used to hearing about everything a kid tells you "you have to see". I had forgotten how an insect can stop kids dead in their tracks, begging further inspection, or how any path but the most obvious one was of course the one they would choose, or the absolute indispensability of a walking stick to an 11-year-old (I understand that one boy smuggled one home on the bus). So when they told me I "had to climb" to where they'd been, I filed it away under one more marvel of nature that they'd soon forget.
But it turns out there was more than scenic beauty that had struck the boys up there. There were, they said, four trees that laid themselves out as the endpoints of a giant cross if viewed from above. They even saw at that time a cross-shaped cloud formation in the sky. One said he felt clean and pure up there (his words), like all his sins had been washed away - "even the sin of Adam"! Could we, they begged, hike up there as a group for our evening Bible study time?
The choice was mine. I could try to redirect or defer their obvious interest, I could commandeer the situation and try to control where it was heading, or I could come along and see what developed. Knowing it was futile to try to steer them away and barely able to keep up with them, I opted for the third choice. Up the hill we went, this time as a group, and each time we stopped to catch our breath and take in the view, it only fueled our desire to go higher and higher. When we finally reached the top, they were elated - elated at the view, elated that they'd all made it, and excited about the mysterious presence of God that seemed to be there. As I sat off at a distance, my lungs heaving and my legs aching, the boys decided the place demanded a memorial, and began to hunt around for materials to erect a cross. They busily scavenged for wood and rocks. Aside from some minor engineering advice and the muscle to lift rocks too heavy for the
m, this was their baby. One boy, after some arm-twisting, agreed to give up a length of rope he'd found earlier that day. Another would later haul a small cinder block all the way up the slope to serve as a base for the vertical post. Another built a small fire pit; when it was later pointed out that it wasn't a good idea to encourage fire-building in a forest, he was persuaded to convert it into an altar.And so the construction process continued over two days, with the boys proudly augmenting their original design and finding materials at the bottom of the hill that ended up at the top. It was agreed that "Holy Mountain" should remain a secret until all the building was done, at which time they would happily share their discovery with the rest of the groups, which they did in a moving hike and ceremony Friday morning.
But an idyllic spot wasn't the only thing they had discovered. For in the process of building something special for God, of going to a place that was special and rich with his spirit, and of dealing with the inevitable conflicts that sprang up around design and construction, their hearts were opened. As the boys worked, I was able to read to them about Moses' ascent up Mount Sinai to meet with God, and how his face became radiant each time he did, so that the Israelites were afraid to approach him. We read about the people of Israel's generosity in giving of their own wealth and materials in order to build Solomon's temple. We read how when, after that temple had been destroyed and the people exiled, on their return they listened to Ezra read the Book of the Law and they wept because they realized their own disobedience. And whenever we climbed the hill, we began by reading Psalm 24:3-4, which says, "Who may climb the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? Only those whose hands and hearts are pure, who do not worship idols and never tell lies."
I was moved that God was meeting these boys, here. If we deviated from the published curriculum, I'm sure that's forgiveable. These 10 and 11-year-olds were prompted to think about grace and presence and holiness in a way I'm convinced no printed workbook could have done. This is not a boast. I write this instead because the experience with them ratified my belief that kids can have thriving relationships with God now, that they can pray meaningfully for themselves and for each other, that they can be excited about the work of God in their lives, and especially, that we ought not believe that true faith cannot blossom until the crises of teenagerhood set in, as if the true Christian life is limited to battling adult-style temptations and restraining mature sin.
It has become fashionable for those of us in children's ministries to say that parents are responsible for the spiritual development of their kids, and that the church just plays a supporting role. But buried in that assertion is a questionable premise - two really: that parents can make spiritual development happen (they can't, any better than churches can), and conversely, that if parents do nothing, there won't be spiritual development. But this is a view of kids that reduces spirituality to something like subject matter. It is pretty true that unless a kid is introduced to the formal study of algebra, he or she won't learn algebra. Nonetheless, they will still interact with concepts like quantity and equality and balance and measurement, and so whether or not the word "algebra" is ever used, a student whose world is rich in concepts dealing with numbers will, in fact, be exposed to algebra.
What a mistake to think that kids' conceptions of God are limited to what we put before them! Kids think about all manner of things, and God is one of them. Even unchurched kids from irreligious families have thoughts about God and a personalized understanding of how he works (a theology). Kids do not come to churches as empty containers, waiting to be filled. They come as multi-dimensional human beings - already spiritual, already social, already cognitive, already moral, already physical. The job must be to come alongside what's already happening and to somehow shape that. But we can't know unless we spend time and observe; and we can't shape unless we have some idea of where we ought to take kids.
The value of camp, of course, is that life is shared for an extended period so that waking and going to sleep, playing, eating, studying, and navigating the normal crises of everyday life are shared. I can learn a lot about a kid by watching him suit up to climb the tree for the zipline or observing her join a game of Red Rover. Could it be that the real "work" of spiritual guidance is to get kids to see themselves, spiritually, for what and who they really are? And that is: loved by God; created for a reason (not by accident); marred by sin yet retaining that spark of the divine; considered worthy to die for; treasured by God and called to holiness; forgiven, cleansed, and set free. These are ideas that our kids can wrap themselves around and stake their lives upon. How do we get that truth inside of them? It does not come from lecturing. It is, rather, the fruit of discovering. Creating environments and experiences where kids just might become eager enough to seek it for themselves is the greatest gift we can give to them.
The boys of Group 12 came down the mountain Friday morning knowing that they may never lay eyes on their handiwork again. But by that time, it wasn't about keeping the find for themselves. I think I'm right in saying that their common desire was that other kids, years into the future, might somehow have a piece of something as neat as they'd experienced. My hope is similar, but a little different: it is that every parent and every youth leader who has been charged with the spiritual growth of kids gets to witness some time when the spirit of God runs ahead in front of you, so fast and so far you can't catch up, and so profoundly that you don't want to.
Friday, June 5, 2009
To the parents of a 6th grader
This week I am going to lay out the best case I can for why, as your son or daughter heads into the brave new world of no-longer-children's ministry, they need to become deeply and meaningfully involved at the junior high level. When kids leave 6th grade, they turn a corner in their church life, so that regardless of their level of participation to this point, their involvement takes on a fresh imperative. My wish is that in two years, we'll be contemplating together how we might keep them involved as they transition to high school ministry.
But first, the task at hand. Your graduating 6th grader needs to stay active in church. There are a lot of reasons this might not happen.
One is the sense of "been there, done that" that sets in around middle school when young teens make it a point to leave childish things (Legos, Pokemon, public hugs from mom or dad) behind. Another is their growing desire to control and direct their own lives, including affiliations. Still another is the surefire way in which our culture conspires against teenagers to indoctrinate them into the apparently very grown-up ethos of "too much to do; too little time." Schools, sports teams, employers who like inexpensive labor, and a society that fears the delinquency that will surely break out if kids have too much free time all do their best to transform 12-year-olds into 22-year-olds who are hooked on adrenaline and dependent on caffeine, who are sleep deprived and irritable, who eat garbage and don't exercise enough - it's a real trap. There is too much to do. But, the pressure this creates to produce and turn inward rather than to engage in some spiritual community where you are invited to serve others and just be is formidable. Yet another reason kids "drop out" is because they genuinely don't know anyone, and who wants to feel out of place when you're 13?
So yes, a lot of reasons may stand between your son or daughter and a church in the next two years. But as it turns out, each of those constitute part of the case for you, as a parent, to ensure your son or daughter's future involvement. Here's why:
Early adolescence - roughly corresponding to 7th and 8th grades - is a time of profound change in kids, second probably only to the first two years of their lives, when they learn - well, everything. Neurologically, the brain is experiencing unprecedented development from birth-2, which makes proper stimulation and nurture essential. But, the brain changes that happen at puberty are no less important, and they are not a myth. It's too easy to look at an adolescent's moodiness or their inflated sense of self or their newfound boldness in challenging authority and chock it up to "hormones". What is happening instead is that they are transitioning into a whole new way of thinking - from concrete-style thought that has trouble handling abstractions, to analytical thinking that can problem-solve and theorize and make good, informed judgments about things.
What happens, though, if the religion they were taught as children - when they thought like children - isn't refreshed, if students don't get a chance to take apart and re-examine and even (gasp!) question what they know to be true? The answer is that religious knowledge stays where it was learned, in childhood. It's kid's stuff. So the first argument for the necessity of your son or daughter's involvement in junior high ministry is cognitive - their minds are ready for and need re-instruction in the faith, now that they're thinking differently.
Abstract thinking also allows us to pursue greater self-knowledge. The ability to see things from others' perspective is a wonderful gift, but in adolescence it gets morphed into a false belief that we are the center of everyone else's world and that they're all watching me! And who am I? The potential for an "identity crisis" grows. Not every adolescent faces full-scale crisis. But all of them have to answer the questions for themselves, of who I am, and what's unique about me, and what are my goals and values. "I" as an entity becomes so important because kids can see what happens to others who are admired or shunned; they want to emulate and appropriate as many of those "winner" qualities as they can.
Identity formation, then, is a second important reason to have your kid immersed in a junior high ministry. You want your kids, as they grapple with questions about who they are to have familiar contact with older Christians who've navigated those waters. Exposure to merely "good role models" isn't the same thing, and it isn't enough! In fact, much of what the culture values in the self-made man or the independent woman is contrary to what we ought to be growing toward: we are dependent beings, made in the image of God, under his authority, experiencing redemption from a fallen nature that is more than we can bear on our own.
And as kids seek out a positive identity, they will certainly look to the crowd to find some affiliation. Adolescent crowds and cliques offer safety against exposure. If I find a group of people who are all different in the way I'm different, or weak where I'm weak, or who dress the way I dress, at least I don't have to answer for myself alone. Socially, you want your adolescent to positively identify with others in their youth group: that's my crowd. That doesn't mean they withdraw from outside activities, but that there exists in their world a group of kids who are being taught to value what is "true...noble...right...pure...lovely...admirable...excellent or praiseworthy" (Phil. 4:8). Everyone is being nudged in the same direction. You want your son or daughter to jump into that current.
There you go - cognitively, personally (as a matter of identity formation), and socially, a 7th grader needs the support that a church youth group can offer. This is the first group of 6th graders who entered our program in 4th grade. Before that, we were just a 5th & 6th grade ministry. It has been a privilege to watch them grow up over three years' time. Sixth grade parents, thanks for your support of our program. I hope your family continues to place a priority on the spiritual development of your sons and daughters.
"What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" Mark 8:36
But first, the task at hand. Your graduating 6th grader needs to stay active in church. There are a lot of reasons this might not happen.
One is the sense of "been there, done that" that sets in around middle school when young teens make it a point to leave childish things (Legos, Pokemon, public hugs from mom or dad) behind. Another is their growing desire to control and direct their own lives, including affiliations. Still another is the surefire way in which our culture conspires against teenagers to indoctrinate them into the apparently very grown-up ethos of "too much to do; too little time." Schools, sports teams, employers who like inexpensive labor, and a society that fears the delinquency that will surely break out if kids have too much free time all do their best to transform 12-year-olds into 22-year-olds who are hooked on adrenaline and dependent on caffeine, who are sleep deprived and irritable, who eat garbage and don't exercise enough - it's a real trap. There is too much to do. But, the pressure this creates to produce and turn inward rather than to engage in some spiritual community where you are invited to serve others and just be is formidable. Yet another reason kids "drop out" is because they genuinely don't know anyone, and who wants to feel out of place when you're 13?
So yes, a lot of reasons may stand between your son or daughter and a church in the next two years. But as it turns out, each of those constitute part of the case for you, as a parent, to ensure your son or daughter's future involvement. Here's why:
Early adolescence - roughly corresponding to 7th and 8th grades - is a time of profound change in kids, second probably only to the first two years of their lives, when they learn - well, everything. Neurologically, the brain is experiencing unprecedented development from birth-2, which makes proper stimulation and nurture essential. But, the brain changes that happen at puberty are no less important, and they are not a myth. It's too easy to look at an adolescent's moodiness or their inflated sense of self or their newfound boldness in challenging authority and chock it up to "hormones". What is happening instead is that they are transitioning into a whole new way of thinking - from concrete-style thought that has trouble handling abstractions, to analytical thinking that can problem-solve and theorize and make good, informed judgments about things.
What happens, though, if the religion they were taught as children - when they thought like children - isn't refreshed, if students don't get a chance to take apart and re-examine and even (gasp!) question what they know to be true? The answer is that religious knowledge stays where it was learned, in childhood. It's kid's stuff. So the first argument for the necessity of your son or daughter's involvement in junior high ministry is cognitive - their minds are ready for and need re-instruction in the faith, now that they're thinking differently.
Abstract thinking also allows us to pursue greater self-knowledge. The ability to see things from others' perspective is a wonderful gift, but in adolescence it gets morphed into a false belief that we are the center of everyone else's world and that they're all watching me! And who am I? The potential for an "identity crisis" grows. Not every adolescent faces full-scale crisis. But all of them have to answer the questions for themselves, of who I am, and what's unique about me, and what are my goals and values. "I" as an entity becomes so important because kids can see what happens to others who are admired or shunned; they want to emulate and appropriate as many of those "winner" qualities as they can.
Identity formation, then, is a second important reason to have your kid immersed in a junior high ministry. You want your kids, as they grapple with questions about who they are to have familiar contact with older Christians who've navigated those waters. Exposure to merely "good role models" isn't the same thing, and it isn't enough! In fact, much of what the culture values in the self-made man or the independent woman is contrary to what we ought to be growing toward: we are dependent beings, made in the image of God, under his authority, experiencing redemption from a fallen nature that is more than we can bear on our own.
And as kids seek out a positive identity, they will certainly look to the crowd to find some affiliation. Adolescent crowds and cliques offer safety against exposure. If I find a group of people who are all different in the way I'm different, or weak where I'm weak, or who dress the way I dress, at least I don't have to answer for myself alone. Socially, you want your adolescent to positively identify with others in their youth group: that's my crowd. That doesn't mean they withdraw from outside activities, but that there exists in their world a group of kids who are being taught to value what is "true...noble...right...pure...lovely...admirable...excellent or praiseworthy" (Phil. 4:8). Everyone is being nudged in the same direction. You want your son or daughter to jump into that current.
There you go - cognitively, personally (as a matter of identity formation), and socially, a 7th grader needs the support that a church youth group can offer. This is the first group of 6th graders who entered our program in 4th grade. Before that, we were just a 5th & 6th grade ministry. It has been a privilege to watch them grow up over three years' time. Sixth grade parents, thanks for your support of our program. I hope your family continues to place a priority on the spiritual development of your sons and daughters.
"What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" Mark 8:36
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Into a Holding Pattern
This is the end - for now - of weekly updates on this blog. I'll still write from time to time, but (for now) it won't be every single week. It's not that I'm out of ideas, but I need to turn my attention to a few other writing projects that are waiting in the wings, as well as focus a greater share of my attention on this summer's Kids Games.
This blog has met the fate of almost every blog (or website, or Facebook page) out there - you hit a point where you just can't keep updating it as frequently as you intended to, or want to. The archives are still here - plenty of stuff to chew on. Thanks for the many supportive comments that have been sent about this blog. As I said last week, it's worth it if only for my own sake, to crystallize my thinking and to communicate to you that we're serious about kids' spiritual development and wellness.
This blog has met the fate of almost every blog (or website, or Facebook page) out there - you hit a point where you just can't keep updating it as frequently as you intended to, or want to. The archives are still here - plenty of stuff to chew on. Thanks for the many supportive comments that have been sent about this blog. As I said last week, it's worth it if only for my own sake, to crystallize my thinking and to communicate to you that we're serious about kids' spiritual development and wellness.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
This blog turns 100
This is the 100th entry I've written for this blog. I launched Hitting Home in January 2007 along with our weekly e-newsletter as part of a better effort to get ministry information into the hands of parents. We've always known that take-home pages stand a small chance of making it into the hands of parents, and that it was long overdue that we moved our announcements into the digital age.
Initially I wanted to have a blog for "whatever" - whatever needed to be communicated that couldn't be adequately communicated on a flier or as part of a 10-second "Hello and how are you?" conversation during a weekend at church. But it soon occurred to me that promotional announcements have their place - it is in newsletters. Since then, I have tried not to use this blog merely to promote upcoming events. If people were going to click on my site, I wanted to respect their time and give them some "meat" to chew on.
Hopefully I've succeeded. I've long since stopped checking the number of page hits each week and precisely where they came from. Honestly, writing this blog is good for me even if no one reads it at all. It forces me to crystallize my thinking. It reminds me of what we stand for. It hones my method. It is occasionally a space for me to vent, though I try to keep the time-on-soapbox to a minimum. It brings me back to larger themes and visions, which are easy to discard when faced with the pragmatics of running a program from week to week. Most of all, it gives me a chance to communicate on topics of importance to parents.
I'm often asked whether I write everything appears on this blog. I do, except where otherwise noted. When I reprint material, I post a link to its original source. My ideas come from all around me - sometimes things I read (trends in religion or youth culture or parenting), sometimes just things I hear or impressions I've gathered. As to how much time it takes, if I'm focused, I can work through a piece in about an hour and a half. But, I have to be in the right mindset, and there's no telling when that will be. Yes, I have pulled over to the side of the road and jotted whole paragraphs on the back of an old envelope. It's not a matter of setting aside a couple of hours every Friday at 2:00 to be at my computer. Some people can write that way; I can't.
What you find in writing idea pieces is that you often return to recurring themes. The subject is just the gateway. For instance, in only one article, I cannot establish everything about the importance of involved parenting in spiritual nurture. But by revisiting the idea from time to time as new events unfold or new insights pop into my brain, it allows me to reframe the topic in new ways.
And so over time some distinct threads have emerged that regular readers of this blog will recognize. I hesitate somewhat to distill these because I don't want the blog to become a caricature of itself. Nor have I written by rotating among subjects; I simply address whatever's on the top of my mind, and that's how I've steadily had more than a dozen potential topics floating around my head without any conception of which will get written, or in what order.
Still, the benefits of summarizing are that someone wanting a clear sense of the message of Hitting Home might look here without having to read too much. One theme is that parents matter. They are the most willing, consistent, and persistent influences in a child's life, and they should learn how to exercise that influence, but be aware that it looks different in a teenager's life than in a child's.
Another recurring theme is the necessity and rightness of holding kids to high moral standards. When we beat ourselves up over our own moral failings and figure that we can't expect them to do what we didn't do, we A) miss the point, and B) almost certainly ensure that kids will slouch to the low expectations we've put out there. Pessimism is not good leadership, and we should never communicate, overtly or by implication, to kids that we expect they cannot behave morally.
Still another important idea for me is the importance of building the right context for your kid's life, a context that above all supports their spiritual growth and develops their character. This context includes non-negotiable weekly church attendance, exposes and acquaints kids to other Christian adults besides their parents, and strives to identify and cultivate relationships for kids in the Greater Christian Community, beyond the walls of the church. Good parents are diligent about this, and realistic about the fact that their own long association with a church or even Christian schooling is no guarantee that their child will develop some Christian friendships, so they are intentional in making that happen.
A fourth recurring theme is the importance of keeping spiritual growth and development at the fore, and avoiding the trap of driving kids to achieve hollow outward success. I've decided that if I could distribute one bumper sticker to every parent I know, it would read, "What good is it for your child to gain the whole world, yet lose or forfeit their soul?" I believe this is mostly unintentional, but the result of misplaced priorities. The longer we are involved with a church, the more important it becomes to keep an eye on this, because the newest and most exciting thing robs our attention. What's needed is to clean out - get rid of the excess, strip back to simplicity, refocus on what's important.
A fifth theme is the absolute necessity for churches to get their act together when it comes to the discipleship of kids. The inadequacy of church curriculum is truly sad. If any group of people should be interested and in tune with what science can tell us about how people learn, it ought to be churches. We - if we believe the message we preach - absolutely have the most to lose from bad teaching. Yet too-simple, teacher-focused, presentation-based lessons abound, and the result is ineffective discipleship. When was the last time your son or daughter came home really excited about something they'd learned in church, or were prompted there to really think about something? Exactly. By tying up every loose end for kids, answering every question, and packaging it with a nice bow we might think we're delivering them failsafe Truth. But the facts on the ground say otherwise.
Finally, a function of this blog has been to try to give you insight into what's going on in the minds of kids, based on what I hear and observe in our class and my interactions with them throughout the week. This relates to kid discipleship in that we can't hope to teach them effectively if we have no idea what they're thinking about. Kids - and by that I mean elementary-aged kids - have surprisingly deep thoughts and conversations with each other. While some of their battles may seem petty, it doesn't take much to realize that the seeds of future self-concept and industry and intimacy are being laid now. Their self-awareness is high, generally. We have such a chance to set the course of their development; but we have to take the time, and we have to listen.
If nothing else, I've wanted this blog to let you know that someone is thinking about your kid's spiritual development, and to invite you to do the same. An incomplete adult is a sad adult who will search - often fruitlessly - to supplement what's missing. If we can supply in their proper time the nurture, support, and skills that kids need, that's always a great investment.
Initially I wanted to have a blog for "whatever" - whatever needed to be communicated that couldn't be adequately communicated on a flier or as part of a 10-second "Hello and how are you?" conversation during a weekend at church. But it soon occurred to me that promotional announcements have their place - it is in newsletters. Since then, I have tried not to use this blog merely to promote upcoming events. If people were going to click on my site, I wanted to respect their time and give them some "meat" to chew on.
Hopefully I've succeeded. I've long since stopped checking the number of page hits each week and precisely where they came from. Honestly, writing this blog is good for me even if no one reads it at all. It forces me to crystallize my thinking. It reminds me of what we stand for. It hones my method. It is occasionally a space for me to vent, though I try to keep the time-on-soapbox to a minimum. It brings me back to larger themes and visions, which are easy to discard when faced with the pragmatics of running a program from week to week. Most of all, it gives me a chance to communicate on topics of importance to parents.
I'm often asked whether I write everything appears on this blog. I do, except where otherwise noted. When I reprint material, I post a link to its original source. My ideas come from all around me - sometimes things I read (trends in religion or youth culture or parenting), sometimes just things I hear or impressions I've gathered. As to how much time it takes, if I'm focused, I can work through a piece in about an hour and a half. But, I have to be in the right mindset, and there's no telling when that will be. Yes, I have pulled over to the side of the road and jotted whole paragraphs on the back of an old envelope. It's not a matter of setting aside a couple of hours every Friday at 2:00 to be at my computer. Some people can write that way; I can't.
What you find in writing idea pieces is that you often return to recurring themes. The subject is just the gateway. For instance, in only one article, I cannot establish everything about the importance of involved parenting in spiritual nurture. But by revisiting the idea from time to time as new events unfold or new insights pop into my brain, it allows me to reframe the topic in new ways.
And so over time some distinct threads have emerged that regular readers of this blog will recognize. I hesitate somewhat to distill these because I don't want the blog to become a caricature of itself. Nor have I written by rotating among subjects; I simply address whatever's on the top of my mind, and that's how I've steadily had more than a dozen potential topics floating around my head without any conception of which will get written, or in what order.
Still, the benefits of summarizing are that someone wanting a clear sense of the message of Hitting Home might look here without having to read too much. One theme is that parents matter. They are the most willing, consistent, and persistent influences in a child's life, and they should learn how to exercise that influence, but be aware that it looks different in a teenager's life than in a child's.
Another recurring theme is the necessity and rightness of holding kids to high moral standards. When we beat ourselves up over our own moral failings and figure that we can't expect them to do what we didn't do, we A) miss the point, and B) almost certainly ensure that kids will slouch to the low expectations we've put out there. Pessimism is not good leadership, and we should never communicate, overtly or by implication, to kids that we expect they cannot behave morally.
Still another important idea for me is the importance of building the right context for your kid's life, a context that above all supports their spiritual growth and develops their character. This context includes non-negotiable weekly church attendance, exposes and acquaints kids to other Christian adults besides their parents, and strives to identify and cultivate relationships for kids in the Greater Christian Community, beyond the walls of the church. Good parents are diligent about this, and realistic about the fact that their own long association with a church or even Christian schooling is no guarantee that their child will develop some Christian friendships, so they are intentional in making that happen.
A fourth recurring theme is the importance of keeping spiritual growth and development at the fore, and avoiding the trap of driving kids to achieve hollow outward success. I've decided that if I could distribute one bumper sticker to every parent I know, it would read, "What good is it for your child to gain the whole world, yet lose or forfeit their soul?" I believe this is mostly unintentional, but the result of misplaced priorities. The longer we are involved with a church, the more important it becomes to keep an eye on this, because the newest and most exciting thing robs our attention. What's needed is to clean out - get rid of the excess, strip back to simplicity, refocus on what's important.
A fifth theme is the absolute necessity for churches to get their act together when it comes to the discipleship of kids. The inadequacy of church curriculum is truly sad. If any group of people should be interested and in tune with what science can tell us about how people learn, it ought to be churches. We - if we believe the message we preach - absolutely have the most to lose from bad teaching. Yet too-simple, teacher-focused, presentation-based lessons abound, and the result is ineffective discipleship. When was the last time your son or daughter came home really excited about something they'd learned in church, or were prompted there to really think about something? Exactly. By tying up every loose end for kids, answering every question, and packaging it with a nice bow we might think we're delivering them failsafe Truth. But the facts on the ground say otherwise.
Finally, a function of this blog has been to try to give you insight into what's going on in the minds of kids, based on what I hear and observe in our class and my interactions with them throughout the week. This relates to kid discipleship in that we can't hope to teach them effectively if we have no idea what they're thinking about. Kids - and by that I mean elementary-aged kids - have surprisingly deep thoughts and conversations with each other. While some of their battles may seem petty, it doesn't take much to realize that the seeds of future self-concept and industry and intimacy are being laid now. Their self-awareness is high, generally. We have such a chance to set the course of their development; but we have to take the time, and we have to listen.
If nothing else, I've wanted this blog to let you know that someone is thinking about your kid's spiritual development, and to invite you to do the same. An incomplete adult is a sad adult who will search - often fruitlessly - to supplement what's missing. If we can supply in their proper time the nurture, support, and skills that kids need, that's always a great investment.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Mom According to the Kids
There's a survey going around Facebook right now called "Mom According to the Kids" that's pretty funny. Moms interview their (usually young) children and record their answers to questions like, "How old is mom?" "What is her favorite thing to do?" and "What does your mom like most about your dad?" But not surprisingly, the answers tell us more about the child than they do about the parent.
What they tell us is that children, even young children, have an understanding of how the world works that they piece together through observation, speculation, and drawing conclusions, even if they're tenuous. How else would my three-year-old niece "know" that her mom's favorite food is ice cream, or that clapping makes mom happy, or that mom is really good at "doing calendars"? More precisely, who told her these things?
Chances are that she was told none of these things, and that fact has huge implications for us in education, particularly religious education, where our goal is to impart a version of the world and of life that has God as its source and its center. Only it turns out "impart" is a rotten word that reflects misunderstanding of what's really happening in a child's mind most of the time, so let's discard it. Rather, our job is to, first, recognize and understand the process of learning that's already occurring in a young mind, and, second, to attempt to shape and influence what's already going on.
A few years ago in a social studies classroom I had a young boy tell me he'd always thought Vietnam was in South America. Now, how did that get in his brain? The same way my niece "knew" that her mom had a bottle as a baby. Young brains (and old brains) are constantly making connections and drawing inferences, sometimes by our invitation, but usually not. If humans didn't do this, we wouldn't survive. We need a workable model of the world in order to function. As we get older, this understanding usually improves - that's wisdom. But we're constantly learning, fitting in new information to the understanding we already have, discarding old conclusions that no longer make sense.
Experts in moral development tell us the way to morally influence someone is not by first speaking (lecturing), but by first listening. Only when we understand the way someone is thinking about a moral issue can we step into the process and, by approximations, move them to a place of different thinking.
And yes, kids think about God. They draw conclusions - sometimes humorous - about what he looks like, where he lives, what he does, what he thinks of them, and why he acts. They develop expectations of what God will do, and ought to do. Our job - as parents, religious educators, and other caring adults - is certainly to give them a correct understanding of the world. But there again, "give" is a misnomer - it really doesn't work that way. Instead, we steer, we guide, we ask clarifying questions, we invite them to consider new information, we cause them to reflect - and understanding emerges.
This is not relativism, an attitude of "whatever you think is your truth" - it's the opposite! But if we think we will implant or transfer understanding directly into young minds, we've got another thing coming. You don't educate a young brain as you would program a computer. Great discipleship - and here I'm talking about the informal type, that arises unplanned in the course of life - begins by bringing forth the understanding (or misunderstanding) that's already there. This, I think, is why traditional courses in discipleship usually fail. Paper-and-pencil workbooks can contain "truth", but the truth fails to connect with where the student is at. And if discipleship fails at the earliest stages, people will never progress to later stages, when didactic methods (systematic approaches like reading books or listening to lectures) are more likely to be effective.
So what's the message? If you want to teach and want to influence, listen. You must listen, and do it in such a way as to draw out honest perceptions, assumptions, and conclusions. Get to know the values that drive your child's thinking. And remember that spiritual development is a lifelong process. And then join Facebook and complete "Mom According to the Kids". It's pretty hilarious.
What they tell us is that children, even young children, have an understanding of how the world works that they piece together through observation, speculation, and drawing conclusions, even if they're tenuous. How else would my three-year-old niece "know" that her mom's favorite food is ice cream, or that clapping makes mom happy, or that mom is really good at "doing calendars"? More precisely, who told her these things?
Chances are that she was told none of these things, and that fact has huge implications for us in education, particularly religious education, where our goal is to impart a version of the world and of life that has God as its source and its center. Only it turns out "impart" is a rotten word that reflects misunderstanding of what's really happening in a child's mind most of the time, so let's discard it. Rather, our job is to, first, recognize and understand the process of learning that's already occurring in a young mind, and, second, to attempt to shape and influence what's already going on.
A few years ago in a social studies classroom I had a young boy tell me he'd always thought Vietnam was in South America. Now, how did that get in his brain? The same way my niece "knew" that her mom had a bottle as a baby. Young brains (and old brains) are constantly making connections and drawing inferences, sometimes by our invitation, but usually not. If humans didn't do this, we wouldn't survive. We need a workable model of the world in order to function. As we get older, this understanding usually improves - that's wisdom. But we're constantly learning, fitting in new information to the understanding we already have, discarding old conclusions that no longer make sense.
Experts in moral development tell us the way to morally influence someone is not by first speaking (lecturing), but by first listening. Only when we understand the way someone is thinking about a moral issue can we step into the process and, by approximations, move them to a place of different thinking.
And yes, kids think about God. They draw conclusions - sometimes humorous - about what he looks like, where he lives, what he does, what he thinks of them, and why he acts. They develop expectations of what God will do, and ought to do. Our job - as parents, religious educators, and other caring adults - is certainly to give them a correct understanding of the world. But there again, "give" is a misnomer - it really doesn't work that way. Instead, we steer, we guide, we ask clarifying questions, we invite them to consider new information, we cause them to reflect - and understanding emerges.
This is not relativism, an attitude of "whatever you think is your truth" - it's the opposite! But if we think we will implant or transfer understanding directly into young minds, we've got another thing coming. You don't educate a young brain as you would program a computer. Great discipleship - and here I'm talking about the informal type, that arises unplanned in the course of life - begins by bringing forth the understanding (or misunderstanding) that's already there. This, I think, is why traditional courses in discipleship usually fail. Paper-and-pencil workbooks can contain "truth", but the truth fails to connect with where the student is at. And if discipleship fails at the earliest stages, people will never progress to later stages, when didactic methods (systematic approaches like reading books or listening to lectures) are more likely to be effective.
So what's the message? If you want to teach and want to influence, listen. You must listen, and do it in such a way as to draw out honest perceptions, assumptions, and conclusions. Get to know the values that drive your child's thinking. And remember that spiritual development is a lifelong process. And then join Facebook and complete "Mom According to the Kids". It's pretty hilarious.
Monday, March 23, 2009
The Lousiness of Short-Term Indicators
Imagine you went to the doctor but no tests were performed. He didn't listen to your heart, didn't check your cholesterol, didn't order any bloodwork, and didn't ask any questions beyond "How are you feeling today?" And if you answered "ok", he sent you home?
He'd be doing a bit better if he treated whatever symptoms you had - a headache, a cough - by writing a prescription. But even that would make most of us feel cheated. When we go to the doctor, we want to find out what's wrong, so that the root of the problem can be uncovered and dealt with. "How are you feeling today?" is merely the gateway to deeper understanding.
Now, let's review what happened in the stock market last week, and then draw a parallel to parenting. The Dow Jones was down 7 points Monday, then shot up 270 points over the next two days, retreated 85 points on Thursday, before falling Friday 122 points. The key question is: is the economy doing better? And the answer is, you can't make a sane estimation of the stability of the economy by glancing at the Dow Jones one day. You can't really judge the health of something with a snapshot. Snapshots and indicators are reactive. And so it is with a kid, that you can't and shouldn't trust short-term, immediate indicators which give only a snapshot but do little to tell us what's really going on.
Consider as a somewhat absurd example height, something I obsessed over when I was in elementary school (because I didn't have any). It's obvious to adults, though it's not obvious to kids: how tall you are really doesn't matter, and there's not a single thing you can do about it anyhow. But it's a daily worry for kids who think they are either too short (always in the front row of the class picture) or too tall. We tell kids this doesn't matter because "It's what's on the inside that counts". But then we betray that by applying external measurements to our kids to determine "how they're doing".
Here are some of the measuring sticks applied against kids that you should be very wary of trusting:
Grades. Giving grades drove me out of public school teaching. What do they mean? If a kid brings home a D, we immediately assume "they need to work harder". But that, in turn, assumes that more concentration and more repetition is the answer. Yet if a kid genuinely doesn't understand, or in the case of math or science misunderstands the process required, then repetition is only going to perfect misunderstanding. A low grade can reflect a need to buckle down, but it can also be the result of boredom, poor teaching, distraction, poor eyesight, preoccupation with physical safety or home life, hunger, low intelligence, homework not turned in… Yet despite the myriad factors that are at play, one letter on a report card is supposed to mean something?
Happiness/Contentment. How many times have you heard parents say, "I just want him to be happy." But…really? How far will a parent go to keep a kid "happy"? And what is happiness? Is it a perpetual smile on the face? Some kids, once they reach adolescence, would be happy to never eat another family meal or go on another family trip. Or ever go to church. And some parents will respond in such a way as to give them just that, so as not to have to deal with the hassle that comes from insisting on anything. Happiness is a wickedly elusive goal, and what makes us happy today might bore us tomorrow and might harm us in the long-term. Therefore, whether a kid is "happy" is relatively meaningless. Happiness is not wellness.
This doesn't mean we condemn them to misery or ignore long-term sadness, which could be an indication of depression or other real need. It's just that a happy exterior may be the coping mechanism kids adopt that keeps us from seeing what's really the matter. The only way to really tell what someone is feeling is to ask them, and that assumes that you've established yourself as a safe, non-judgmental sounding board.
Manners. If kids are well-mannered because you want to teach them that other people have worth and the best way to honor them is to wait your turn, not interrupt, say please and thank you, and look someone in the eye when you speak to them, then yes, by all means manners are important. And no, you don't expect a very young child to be able to give you the rationale for good manners. Because mom and dad say so is enough. But ideally they will start to knowingly internalize those as they get older, so that a 10-year-old certainly knows why it's wrong to speak out of turn or to laugh at someone else's misfortune. BUT, if you are teaching manners because it will reflect well on you - "Wow, she did such a great job raising her kids" - that's pride. And kids are not raised to enhance parents' self-esteem. They're not trophies, or challenges to be mastered, or animals to be tamed. So when I see a kid with good manners, I admire the measure of self-control I see, but it tells me little about their spiritual wellness. "Polite" doesn't tell me how a kid is doing.
Irritation factor. Then there are parents who are all too ready to relate the latest thing their kid did that's causing the parent a headache. The problem with this is that irritation is a subjective measure, always from the perspective of the receiver. When I worked in group homes for kids in foster care, we were reminded that it's not against the rules to be irritating. Therefore, as a staff, the only thing you could control was your own reaction to whatever annoying thing they were doing. If you didn't or couldn't, you'd end up provoking an unnecessary confrontation, which usually meant hours spent repairing the damage. The best staff were those who could see annoyances for what they were - sometimes the product of a bad day, sometimes a provocation that would go away if annoyed, sometimes boredom that deserved to be attended to constructively, but never a reflection of the boy's worth. I failed at this many times, letting minor irritations that weren't rules violations get to me. If I find myself set off by kids' actions that are not dangerous nor harmful to them, but merely annoying, that says more about me than it does about them.
When we wonder "how is a kid doing?" that's a question loaded with future implications. What really matters, and what we're really assessing, is "what road are they on?" and "where are they headed?" - things mood and grades and manners tell us little about. A far more robust indicator of kids' wellness is something like the Search Institute's Developmental Assets Framework, because it gives a picture of not only where kids stand across multiple dimensions, it also is a tool for predicting future success and adjustment (and research supports this).
As we look at the wellness of kids, a long-term perspective is the best one to take. Trends, not short-term indicators, are the more relevant phenomena. They keep us from getting hooked on right behaviors and right answers and focus us more on motives and issues of character. What are this kid's values, affections, and beliefs? That will tell us far more about who they are becoming, and therefore "how they're doing today", than a glance at outward appearances.
He'd be doing a bit better if he treated whatever symptoms you had - a headache, a cough - by writing a prescription. But even that would make most of us feel cheated. When we go to the doctor, we want to find out what's wrong, so that the root of the problem can be uncovered and dealt with. "How are you feeling today?" is merely the gateway to deeper understanding.
Now, let's review what happened in the stock market last week, and then draw a parallel to parenting. The Dow Jones was down 7 points Monday, then shot up 270 points over the next two days, retreated 85 points on Thursday, before falling Friday 122 points. The key question is: is the economy doing better? And the answer is, you can't make a sane estimation of the stability of the economy by glancing at the Dow Jones one day. You can't really judge the health of something with a snapshot. Snapshots and indicators are reactive. And so it is with a kid, that you can't and shouldn't trust short-term, immediate indicators which give only a snapshot but do little to tell us what's really going on.
Consider as a somewhat absurd example height, something I obsessed over when I was in elementary school (because I didn't have any). It's obvious to adults, though it's not obvious to kids: how tall you are really doesn't matter, and there's not a single thing you can do about it anyhow. But it's a daily worry for kids who think they are either too short (always in the front row of the class picture) or too tall. We tell kids this doesn't matter because "It's what's on the inside that counts". But then we betray that by applying external measurements to our kids to determine "how they're doing".
Here are some of the measuring sticks applied against kids that you should be very wary of trusting:
Grades. Giving grades drove me out of public school teaching. What do they mean? If a kid brings home a D, we immediately assume "they need to work harder". But that, in turn, assumes that more concentration and more repetition is the answer. Yet if a kid genuinely doesn't understand, or in the case of math or science misunderstands the process required, then repetition is only going to perfect misunderstanding. A low grade can reflect a need to buckle down, but it can also be the result of boredom, poor teaching, distraction, poor eyesight, preoccupation with physical safety or home life, hunger, low intelligence, homework not turned in… Yet despite the myriad factors that are at play, one letter on a report card is supposed to mean something?
Happiness/Contentment. How many times have you heard parents say, "I just want him to be happy." But…really? How far will a parent go to keep a kid "happy"? And what is happiness? Is it a perpetual smile on the face? Some kids, once they reach adolescence, would be happy to never eat another family meal or go on another family trip. Or ever go to church. And some parents will respond in such a way as to give them just that, so as not to have to deal with the hassle that comes from insisting on anything. Happiness is a wickedly elusive goal, and what makes us happy today might bore us tomorrow and might harm us in the long-term. Therefore, whether a kid is "happy" is relatively meaningless. Happiness is not wellness.
This doesn't mean we condemn them to misery or ignore long-term sadness, which could be an indication of depression or other real need. It's just that a happy exterior may be the coping mechanism kids adopt that keeps us from seeing what's really the matter. The only way to really tell what someone is feeling is to ask them, and that assumes that you've established yourself as a safe, non-judgmental sounding board.
Manners. If kids are well-mannered because you want to teach them that other people have worth and the best way to honor them is to wait your turn, not interrupt, say please and thank you, and look someone in the eye when you speak to them, then yes, by all means manners are important. And no, you don't expect a very young child to be able to give you the rationale for good manners. Because mom and dad say so is enough. But ideally they will start to knowingly internalize those as they get older, so that a 10-year-old certainly knows why it's wrong to speak out of turn or to laugh at someone else's misfortune. BUT, if you are teaching manners because it will reflect well on you - "Wow, she did such a great job raising her kids" - that's pride. And kids are not raised to enhance parents' self-esteem. They're not trophies, or challenges to be mastered, or animals to be tamed. So when I see a kid with good manners, I admire the measure of self-control I see, but it tells me little about their spiritual wellness. "Polite" doesn't tell me how a kid is doing.
Irritation factor. Then there are parents who are all too ready to relate the latest thing their kid did that's causing the parent a headache. The problem with this is that irritation is a subjective measure, always from the perspective of the receiver. When I worked in group homes for kids in foster care, we were reminded that it's not against the rules to be irritating. Therefore, as a staff, the only thing you could control was your own reaction to whatever annoying thing they were doing. If you didn't or couldn't, you'd end up provoking an unnecessary confrontation, which usually meant hours spent repairing the damage. The best staff were those who could see annoyances for what they were - sometimes the product of a bad day, sometimes a provocation that would go away if annoyed, sometimes boredom that deserved to be attended to constructively, but never a reflection of the boy's worth. I failed at this many times, letting minor irritations that weren't rules violations get to me. If I find myself set off by kids' actions that are not dangerous nor harmful to them, but merely annoying, that says more about me than it does about them.
When we wonder "how is a kid doing?" that's a question loaded with future implications. What really matters, and what we're really assessing, is "what road are they on?" and "where are they headed?" - things mood and grades and manners tell us little about. A far more robust indicator of kids' wellness is something like the Search Institute's Developmental Assets Framework, because it gives a picture of not only where kids stand across multiple dimensions, it also is a tool for predicting future success and adjustment (and research supports this).
As we look at the wellness of kids, a long-term perspective is the best one to take. Trends, not short-term indicators, are the more relevant phenomena. They keep us from getting hooked on right behaviors and right answers and focus us more on motives and issues of character. What are this kid's values, affections, and beliefs? That will tell us far more about who they are becoming, and therefore "how they're doing today", than a glance at outward appearances.
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