Holiday Bible Guide 2008

Once again this Christmas season, some reviews of Bibles for kids, and some info you should consider before purchasing a Bible for a kid.

As always, the Bible I most highly recommend for your son or daughter is the one they are willing to read. Put aside cosmetic considerations, whatever "extras" are included between the covers, or the particular translation and discover first whether this Bible will be read by them. Whatever factors are important to them - size, readability, extra features - should be your main criteria.

For that reason, don't give a Bible as a surprise, but enlist your child in picking one out. You'll know immediately, for instance, if the Bi

ble "zines" have topics of interest to them by how much time they spend browsing one. You'll get a sense for their tolerance of small type - for many kids, that's an immediate turn-off.

Since last year's writing, our Calvary Chapel Books and Gift store has relocated to the new building - and a makeshift presence in the main hallway. As a result, the number and variety of Bibles they keep stocked is limited. But, they are able to order anything in print (allow about a week for delivery). And, they appreciate feedback from customers on what kids are reading, as that helps them know what to order and stock. Here are some of the Bibles for kids that are now on the shelves there:

This is a classic devotional Bible for kids, by Zondervan. This appears to be a new cover design, but it's the same content. The Adventure Bible has lots of charts and sidebars and other helps for kids as they read.

Another NIV choice is the Discoverer's Bible:

Not as many textual notes as the above, but what it does have going for it is that it is in large print (12 point type). Don't underestimate this for the effect it has on readability for kids. Large type can increase the speed and fluency at which kids read. It also makes the text more accessible - if a kid opens a Bible and sees small print, reading through it may seem like a daunting challenge.

The only real features are a dictionary & concordance at the end, book introductions, and some full-page, full-color pictures. (But why didn't they place the pictures adjacent to the story it depicts in the Bible?? You'll see a picture here of David and Goliath, a story decidedly not in the book of Nehemiah.)

If type size is not an issue, and easy portability is, then the pocket-sized Bibles are a good choice. The key words are "thinline" and "slimline" and each refers to the thickness of the Bible (and, consequently, the size of the type). Not many extras here - portability and cover design are the main selling points.

The "Princess Bible" is similarly sized, but it is an ICB translation (International Children's Bible), simpler vocabulary and sentence structure than the NIV (which has an 11th grade reading level).

Another Bible targeted to girls, and with more features inside, is the FaithGirlz Bible. (Personally, I cringe when marketers intentionall

y use colloquial spellings for words in order to appear edgy to kids, but I digress.) FaithGirlz is all about helping girls discover an "Inner Beauty/Outward Faith."

At the front you'll find "The Faithgirlz Promise", which is to "Focus on my inner beauty/Remember that God loves me always/Love myself the way God made me/Look at others' gifts without jealousy/Treat other people the way I want to be treated/Love my neighbor/Forgive others when they sin against me/Love my

enemies/Seek God's will in all that I do/Focus on the inner beauty of others." Good stuff.

Here's a more boy-friendly pocket Bible - although there's nothing specific in it that's directed at either boys or girls. You're getting the cool "treasure chest" motif and the ICB translation. Includes a dictionary and some maps.








The FaithGirlz Bible and its devotional intent reminds me of the Bible "zines" that came out a few years ago, and are still available. These are targeted at various age groups - a link is here: BibleZines

"Magnify" is one example - aimed at older elementary kids, while Blossom hits preteen and young teenage girls.















The Bible we use in our classroom, and one of my favorites, is "The Illustrated Bible - New Testament", available from www.biblesplus.com. I like it for the wealth of diagrams and cartoons, and because it's NIrV (New International Reader's Version), a simplified version of the NIV.

And I'm still a fan of these, especially for kids who need pictures to aid comprehension. The Picture Bible does not contain the full text of the Bible, but it does depict key stories from the Old and New Testaments.

The Illustrated New Testament is the full Bible text, presented in panel form (think comic strip, but the pictures are very realistic). So far, they have only done the complete New Testament and selected books of the Old Testament (some individual NT books are also sold). A full list of available titles is here.

The Whys of Pre-Teen Ministry: Theology

When kids know all the Bible stories, is there reason to keep coming back to church? Over the last three weeks I've argued that there are three critical things that should happen for a kid at church, apart from the acquisition of knowledge, and particularly during the preteen years. First, kids need to develop a sense of belonging - finding their group. Second, they need to claim their identity as a Christian, and they won't do that if they perceive there's any baggage that accompanies that. The third thing that needs to happen as kids reach the end of elementary school is the connecting of the dots into a coherent whole, the cobbling together of a workable theology.

By "theology" I mean a version of the world in light of what you believe about God. Everyone has a theology, whether they know it or not. Pressed to articulate, nearly everybody could explain their understanding of who God is, how we works, what he wants, and what he's done. Even an atheist - who would answer those questions in the negative - has their worldview informed by the fact of God.

A young child's theology is very simplistic - and necessarily so. It's enough for young children to know that God created everything, that he loves them, that he cares for them, that he sent Jesus to the world, and that God wants us to be in heaven with him someday. We don't weigh three-year-olds down with matters of election or transubstantiation or the problem of evil or the nature of the Trinity.

But as kids grow, and their capacity for thinking and reasoning changes, their theology grows too - sometimes in wildly inaccurate directions. A healthy theology acknowledges their own status as created beings, subservient to the will and direction of the master, and we would hope that as kids grow in faith, they would embrace the realization that God's love for them doesn't necessarily mean he'll give them everything they want, but he will always provide for their good". In short, you want kids to develop a "theology" that's not a "me-ology".

It's not automatic. If it was, adults living in a world full of evil would reason their way toward God. In fact just the opposite happens. Grown-ups see evil and injustice, perhaps even in their own lives, and they conclude that a loving God is improbable, if not impossible. It doesn't help when health-and-wealth preachers teach people to equate "blessedness" with the value of their accumulated possessions. People who grow up with an entitlement mindset don't tend to shed that easily. It figures that when things go sour, the God who supposedly pulls the strings gets the blame.

We can fight this by diligently forming a theology that is true in kids. One way is to constantly ask them what they believe. This not only dignifies them (because what kid doesn't enjoy being asked their opinion by a grown-up?) but it brings the theologizing into the open, where it can be shaped and challenged.

Psychologists speak of "Aha!" moments, when sudden insight comes to the mind of someone who is deep in problem-solving. I more often experience "Duh" moments in my learning, when I have all the information in front of me but can't see how it fits together or makes sense (usually when I'm doing my taxes) - and then all of a sudden the realization hits: "Duh".

I think thinking theologically is more a case of "Duh" learning than "Aha!" learning. Kids don't need a novel understanding of God and his ways, but a sensible one, based on things they know to be true. So they know the Old Testament stories, of Abraham and Isaac, of Moses, of Saul and David and Jonathan, perhaps of Queen Esther, but what does it mean to them? Can they pull out any themes? Can they spot any patterns in how God works among his people? Can they piece some of Jesus' warnings and NT promises about what awaits those who follow him, and verbally paint a picture of what a Christian can expect life to be like? Can they begin to grasp how God's forgiveness works and what it means to have God's Spirit living inside you?

Kids can do this. It's work, but it's worthwhile. And - whether we're intentional about it or not - it will happen anyhow. That's an arresting thought. Somewhere along the line in your child's development, at least once, they will draw the conclusion that either God cares about them, or that he doesn't give a rip. They will cast into the future and see themselves either following him, or not. They will decide to preserve their uniqueness and acquiesce to God's call on their life, or they will give in and slouch toward the culture's low expectations. All of this will depend on what they honestly think about God.

Church researcher George Barna opines that every decision we make is, at heart, a spiritual decision. It reflects a choice for God, or against him. (See more in Barna's book, Transforming Children Into Spiritual Champions.) I think he might take that a bit far - some decisions are morally neutral, and others reflect a choice between good and better. But his point is well taken, especially as applied to the bigger decisions of life. And, as Barna recognizes, those decisions are informed by what we think about God. If we hate him, or even merely respect him, or grudgingly serve him, but we don't love him, we will not orient our lives in such a way as to glorify him.

And who wants to glorify God anyhow? No one. Left to our own devices, we are base, callous, and self-seeking. We fight for our own survival, and let every man fend for himself. It takes the invasion of God into our lives to turn that aircraft carrier, and gradually our eyes are opened ("Duh!") to the fact that we can live without ourselves in the center…and all will be ok. So the other way we can help kids fight the me-ology and embrace a theology is to give them tastes of what it is to "live beyond themselves." Living beyond yourself is having the experience of deliberately putting your own needs and comfort second so that others may be first, and in the process discovering…that it is really all ok. Of course, sometimes living beyond ourselves is not what we want to do, but we lean on God in faith and rather than strive, allow him to fuel our actions.

A warped theology is a tragic thing. Like the wrong prescription for eyeglasses, it causes a person to see God's hand in evil or misfortune. It can cause us to condemn all of the physical world, falsely believing that evil resides there. It withholds credit where credit is due, and fails to attach responsibility to its rightful source. Kids who think rightly about God enjoy the ancillary benefits of right thinking about themselves, their relationships, and their futures.

Not that any of this is easy. We are teaching kids to believe, and not just to know. That involves dialogue, lots of time and attention, and consistency. And ultimately, we will let them go. The first 18 years of a child's life is their time in harbor, when the ship is readied, fueled, inspected, systems tested, and is set on course. Eventually they depart to sail. When we help kids develop a strong theology we are showing them how to hold the map right side up and how to read it. And when kids possess strong navigational sense, we have every reason to be confident in their journeys.

The Whys of Preteen Ministry: Identity

Is there any good reason for kids raised in the church to stay involved with church as they get older? Specifically, is there any reason why church involvement in the late elementary school years is important?

Two weeks ago I alluded to an alarming statistic regarding middle school students and the Bible. This is it: about 75% of them believe they know pretty much everything the Bible teaches - that there is basically nothing new to learn because they've heard all the stories. The Barna Institute discovered this in surveying churched kids.

If these kids attend churches where the programs are modeled after school classrooms and if we have emphasized above all else the accumulation of knowledge, that means the relevance of continuing to attend church is a question they are seriously beginning to wonder about themselves: Why should I continue to go when I already know all the stories?

In my last entry, I offered that during the late elementary years especially, kids need to develop a sense of belonging at church. They need to feel like they belong to the whole, as well as that they have a place within the whole - some sort of smaller group - to which they belong. Without this sense that I am needed there, kids will get over church in a hurry.

The second aspect of value that I see developed through continued church involvement is identity. Identity is related to belonging, in that if kids don't feel they belong, they are unlikely to take on the identifying characteristics of the members of the group.

Quite plainly, by the time your kid enters junior high, you want them to be able to state unabashedly "I am a Christian", and by that to mean not only that they assent to basic Christian doctrine and teachings, but that they see themselves as a Christian, distinct from being merely religious or spiritual or none of the above. Identity formation is crucial as kids head into the teenage years. As I wrote a few weeks ago in an essay on keeping kids drug-free, "good kid" is not an identity anyone embraces. No one wants to be defined in the negative, by the things they don't do. But if a kid can say in all honesty that their reason for living as they do is that they are in pursuit of a relationship with Christ, that has some traction, and that's where we want to bring kids to.

I am not advocating that our churches adopt a Christian nurture model, which rests on the idea that if we surround our kids with Christian culture and practices from birth, they will "grow up Christian" and never regard themselves as otherwise. I think there is great danger in having kids believe that Christianity is just a set of practices, or nothing more than a lifestyle, or that to be a Christian means primarily that you are present more often than not when the church body comes together. This is weak sauce and does not aspire to the great adventure of true Christian spirituality, which has a thriving personal dimension, not just a corporate one.

What I am talking about is paying attention to whether, by age 12, a kid has started to own their faith, which is not necessarily a product of how involved they are in the life of the church. Parents of regular churchgoing kids and occasional attending kids need to honestly assess within their own child whether that kid has any shame in being called "Christian". If there is resistance to that label, a clue could lie in studying what's going on with those outside the church.

It has been observed that the generation now coming of age wants to "belong before they'll believe." In other words, they are asking the questions, "Do I belong here?" and "Can I see myself being one of these people?" and "If I have to change to belong to this group, is it a change I can live with?" If the answer to any of those questions is "no", it's not likely that person will continue on the journey, but look for something that is more "them" and offers what they're looking for. Consumerist? Maybe. But much of this is a reaction to the perceived hypocrisy of churches that say one thing and do another, a suspicion of organized religion, and a protection against getting burned.

The Church would do well to sit up and take notice: it has a terrible image problem. And that has led people to "say yes to Jesus and no to the Church". Well, these are just discontented people who can't accept that the Bible teaches moral absolutes, you say. The Church is better off without them. Think again. In their landmark 2005 book Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers, Christian Smith and Melinda Lundquist Denton found that "spiritual but not religious" - the supposed phenomenon where young people are trying out all kinds of new religions and fashioning together whatever makes sense and works for them - is largely a myth. By and large, the group studied (which is now entering young adulthood) refuses to cast judgment on spiritual seekers but they themselves are not embracing hybrid spirituality. Make no mistake - there is a large segment of society who desire God but have rejected church, rejected "Christian community", and resist wearing the Christian label.

This may be one of the biggest differences between moderns and postmoderns when it comes to ministry. For people my age and older, identification was assumed; what mattered in church was that you learned the Bible stories, the creeds, the verse of the week, and perhaps that your behavior conformed to what was expected of a Christian. Postmoderns need a different approach. There will be a time to teach them content, but they have an eye on the bigger picture: what's at the end of this road, who will I become, and who is with me? If they're not satisfied that the overall direction is genuine and worthwhile, they will not buy into the process of disciplemaking.

That's why it's imperative that we invest time in these kids as they grow and why they value hanging out and being together over formal instruction. Helping kids develop a Christian identity takes very little skill and there is practically no method, other than to be as authentic as possible and spend generous amounts of time. Our church model is built around that - the presence of numerous adult leaders in our class is not some divide-and-conquer crowd control strategy! The leaders in 4th-6th grade (and we are always looking to add to the team) are eager to share themselves with your kids, to model what it is to be a Christian. Regular, consistent contact is the best way to achieve that. Camps, where kids share the experience with an older counselor, are invaluable for it as well.

We want kids to wear the "Christian" descriptor proudly, not as a front, but in a way that penetrates their own consciousness. How can they develop that if they genuinely don't know any other Christians?

The Whys of Pre-teen Ministry: Belonging

It's a paradox of youth and churches: the longer a kid is involved, the harder it often is to keep them motivated and interested. The same "senioritis" that infects 12th grade students often sets in as kids reach the end of their respective age-level ministries. Sixth graders can't wait to move up and out to junior high; 8th graders are anxious for high school; 11th and 12th graders, with nothing to move on to, will sometimes just get bored and drop out. Couple this with a troubling statistic about junior high students and the Bible, and the need to build a case for continued ministry involvement is apparent.

What keeps adults coming to church year after year is continued growth, or perhaps the way church relationships enrich their lives, or in times when they struggle, perhaps just a sense of obedience. For kids, it's different. Kids live in households, and don't drive, and largely don't keep their own schedules. Their presence in our churches is driven largely by some adult who perceives it to be necessary.

So, how necessary is it, once kids have learned the basics? Plenty.

For one, kids need continued church involvement because they are rapidly developing. While it's true that we continue to grow and change throughout our lives, we don't change as much as, say, between ages 8-16 - which is why no church puts third graders with high schoolers. Instead, we recognize that at different age levels, kids have distinct needs. As a result, ministry to one age level isn't more necessary than to another age level.

Secondly, f we measure "what we do" merely by "what is taught" - that is, the facts and stories transmitted - then a student could, in fact, get "done" with church. They would just have to master the material presented. But if we accept that churches ought to do more than just transmit content from teachers to students, then it is more accurate to say that kids can outgrow our ministries, but never be done with church.

What, then, is that "more" that we are delivering, beyond mastery of Bible content? What is the rationale for ministry at the preteen level that is developmentally geared and distinct from, say, first grade or junior high or college group? Why do we do preteen ministry as something for preteens, and not just as a version of elementary ministry with older kids?

This week I want to focus on one "why", which is Belonging. At this age, friendship groups become more a part of who kids are. The number and frequency of overnight stays increases, the number of teams and clubs to which a preteen belongs is greater than when they were younger, and they begin to carve out an identity apart from their parents. I'll write about identity formation, which is the second "why", next week, but for this week let's focus on the groups that will help define a child's self-concept. That is, if I'm on the soccer team, I am a soccer player. If I make the cast, I am an actress. If I belong to the boy scouts, I am a boy scout.

Think about your child's affiliations. To where and to what do they belong? Can you see how they derive a sense of identity from that? And have you witnessed that identity fade when the season or show or activity ends, when they aren't in contact with a particular set of kids anymore?

Now think about how kids come to belong. They sign up, usually. They might pay a registration cost or be issued a uniform. They are assigned a specific role. They are taught the rules, and the lingo. They get to know and become known by the others in that group. And in time, a __________ (football player, dancer, artist, skater, or whatever) is born.

When it comes to church, though, we are missing a few of the elements that would otherwise constitute belonging. There are no sign-ups - you just show up. And our church doesn't have formal membership. There's no fee to join (but would we value it more highly if there was?). And deliberately, there is not a special language or set of rituals that serve to separate insiders and outsiders. What remains, then, to belonging is the relational component: knowing others and being known.

Which is why it is so imperative that you do what you must to get your child to church every week. In my experience, there simply is no better way for kids to become known than regular exposure to their peers at church, weekend in and weekend out. We don't get drafted into churches for our skills or past accomplishments, so those can't accelerate our belonging. Church is just a place where we are expected and allowed to be. Being = belonging. When we fall out of the habit, or find other things to do, we lose closeness in our relationships at church. The group grows on without us.

A significant reason to have a distinct preteen ministry is to give kids an environment to belong in, and small groups to belong to. You want kids to say, by the start of their junior high years, that going to church feels like home. That is almost completely a function of the amount of time spent among peers at church. And, unlike the fatigue that settles in from hearing the same Bible stories over and over again, belonging works the other way - the more connected-in we feel, the more we desire to build and grow those relationships. We find that routinely as kids become comfortable in our classroom, their attentiveness slips. Why? Because suddenly the classroom is about more than hearing a Bible message and answering questions. It's still some of that, but it also becomes a place where kids know other kids, and are known by leaders. This is a good thing. People never outgrow that.

Free of Drugs, but Tethered to What? A Christian Perspective on Red Ribbon Week

The week that ended October 31 was the annual "Red Ribbon Week", during which schools conduct anti-drug and violence programs and ask students to wear red ribbons symbolizing their desire to be "Drug Free". The observance has been around since 1986, which means it was born in the era of Just Say No and D.A.R.E. and other noble attempts to keep Generation X and the kids who followed them away from drugs. I'll let you draw your own conclusions about their effectiveness - that isn't the point of this essay. The point is to ask in all earnestness: the kids who remain drug free - who are they?

We know who the drug users are. Potheads. Stoners. Druggies. Dealers. Or, in some schools, the popular kids, the in crowd, the A-list, cool. There is an identity, sometimes desired, that attaches to drug use: an entire subculture has grown up around marijuana, that has its own music, clothing, magazines, slang, and even religion. There is an extent to which drug use can make somebodies out of nobodies, which in part explains its appeal. Despite popular anti-drug appeals, not every teenager who uses is addicted. Quite a few recreational users choose their habit because it is part of who they are.

No such identity awaits kids who carry through on a pledge to be "drug free". Many is the kid who willfully preserves him or herself into high school, only to find that an identity carved only in opposition to vices isn't much of one at all. We are perhaps too optimistic about the value of remaining "free" of things, be they drugs, or alcohol, or gang involvement, or sexual activity. "Virtue is its own reward," we are told, but is it? Virtuous teens are often lonely teens, because the number of like-minded peers is so few. Using drugs or alcohol in many communities that lack teen-friendly environments is a past-time, giving kids something to do. A college student, interviewed on the prevalence of binge drinking on campuses, spoke the truth when he observed that if a student didn't go to parties, they'd never meet anyone.

When I began working with kids 15 years ago, I was a "good choices" guy - my desire was to see kids make positive choices and pro-social contributions, and sports was the avenue by which I would lead them. People who promote "good choices" have great intentions. But there has to be something more for kids.

Drug Free? Yes - but for what? Motivational talks about setting goals or achieving your dreams typical accompany the "say no to drugs" message, the implication being that if kids fall into drug abuse, they'll never be the next Bill Gates, or Steven Spielberg, or Barack Obama; drugs destroy dreams. Which is good - as far as it goes. But here, a Christian mind must pause and ask if personal achievement and fulfillment - the plans of man - are really the destination, and the rationale for sobriety. We are obligated to help our kids answer the question, "If I stay drug-free, then what? What do I grow towards after I have resolved to keep myself away from?"

Of course, to a Christian the answer is obvious. We are created - destined if you will - for the glory of God, set on a course to be transformed and remade, set apart, cherished by God and privileged to have personal knowledge and experience of him. This does require the submission of our will and subsequently prompts us to marvel again and again that God debased and limited himself for us, so that we could enter a relationship where He is pleased to allow us to draw 100% of the benefit while he suffers all of the cost. That is truth worth living for, and to the extent that drugs mar our journey toward wholeness and realization of the godly intent, they are a great evil.

That is the message, and the contribution churches everywhere could make toward projecting a positive vision of kids' futures: say "no" to drugs at the same time as you are embracing "yes" to life, and life to the full. It is also a reason churches must resist, kicking and screaming, any attempt to equate our work with "character education". We are not character education, and we sell kids short in churches and in Christian schools when we stop at that. Our job is to promote the spiritual life - its personal, social, and vocational dimensions - and anything less than that will not do.

Christian parents likewise must aspire to more for their children than that they will be good. Kids don't want to be good, even less so as they get older. It really isn't until young adulthood that "goodness" (or we might also say "virtue") is valued at a peer level, and even then, virtuous people are often sneered at or looked down upon as suckers, too simple to know how to take advantage of the system, too pious to let loose and have a little fun. Good doesn't sell, nor should it. What's worth passing on is a version of life that has God at its core and the adventure of connecting with him as its purpose. Ask yourself: would I be satisfied if my child left home at 18 a moral person, but indifferent about God? I hope not.

So how's this for a parental ambition: pray tonight that your child will one day (sooner rather than later) consciously and willfully exist for the singular purpose of enjoying God. Then pray that God will use whatever is necessary to bring them to that point. I dare you. This is a goal for them that is astonishingly simple, dramatically bold, and that blows drug-free out of the water. It takes faith to pray like that. But even before that, it takes churches and parents who are united in vision, who believe they have a mandate to do more than keep kids cloistered and unstained. If we don't dream big dreams for our kids and communicate that to them, we may be surprised how quickly they'll regard our pleas for goodness as irrelevant.

Here Comes Camp!

A highlight of the 4th-6th grade year is approaching. In late January we will once again trek up to the San Bernardino Mountains for a weekend of winter camp at Forest Home. Whether your child is one of our camp veterans or has never made the trip, or if your family is new to the church, I want to write this as an invitation to make an investment for your child that can pay dividends on many levels.

1. Camp experiences create memories. Last year, on the drive up, we were being goofy in the front of the bus, trying to keep the kids entertained on the 2+ hour bus ride, telling jokes and playing quiz games, when all of a sudden it became very quiet. It took me a few seconds to catch on - we had finally climbed to an elevation where the kids could see snow. This non-native Californian forgets every year what a big deal for these kids to see snow. Their faces reflect their amazement, and the fascination with snow never wears off the entire weekend, regardless of how dirty or wet they get.

Weather is just one of the reasons winter camp leaves a lasting imprint. For 48 hours, they get to exist in a kid-dominated (but still adult-structured) environment. Kids eat great food, sing fun songs, play lots of games, get to commandeer the bunk beds in their room, go on hikes, play outside, stay up late, and experience nature. It is an edifying experience and kids talk about it for months after they return.

Why is this a benefit? Because the week-to-week experience of church tends to blur. But camp is so different, so unique, that it can expose kids to God in a different environment than to what they've become accustomed. Just as kids' faith development is stunted if there is no "God talk" at home, but only in church, it helps kids to have a spiritual experience that's off their normal turf.

2. Camp builds and strengthens friendships. We have kids "meet" each other at camp who have been going to the same church and same class for literally years, yet never had the chance to develop a relationship. We have other kids who encounter kids who normally attend another service, and those kids hit it off with each other. Those relationships wouldn't otherwise happen.

When I was a school teacher, I reflected often how quickly a classroom became an "us". Just by virtue of kids' being in the same room day in and day out, they got to know each other - not just names, but personalities, likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, natures and foibles. We enjoy no such luxury in church. Even though we do age groupings, we simply do not meet often enough or have enough informal time to let quality relationships develop. The average kid in our program comes to church about 2 times a month. In a year, that's about 35 hours with the other kids - as much time as they spend with their classmates in the first week of school. Or, in the first day and a half of camp. So, your child can spend as much time around church pals in one camp weekend as they would in nearly a year of coming to church. Sound like a good investment yet?

3. Camp provides opportunities for leaders and kids to bond. On top of time with other kids, leaders get a chance for incredible amounts of informal bonding time with kids. We are responsible for providing our own counselors at winter camp, and it's a responsibility we're glad to fill, as we believe that every kid needs a caring adult leader who is not their parent walking alongside them.

4. Camp is totally unplugged. Forest Home asks that kids leave iPods, video games and cell phones at home (and good luck getting cell phone reception up there anyhow), and the result is a tech-free weekend - for most kids, the first in a very long time. And you know what? Kids survive. They play. They talk. They make up games. They sing. And hopefully, they long for the next chance they'll have to escape modernity and re-enter a simpler environment.

5. Camp is unhurried. There's no practices to make, no homework to schedule, no drive-thru meals on the run to the next appointment. Camp has a schedule, but allows for ample free time too. It lets kids breathe.

6. Camp builds kids' confidence and autonomy. Some parents - and kids - worry that their son or daughter isn't ready for a weekend away. All I can do is refer to past experience, which shows that in nearly every case, kids come through with flying colors. This, in turn, increases their self-confidence and ability to make their own decisions. And you should want that. The way we train kids to make big decisions is to trust them to make little ones. The growing up process is filled with opportunities for parents to share and eventually hand over decision making. How will kids ever make a decision for Jesus when they have no experience managing any other aspect of their lives? They won't, and they can't. What they'll make instead is a decision that they think their caregivers want - but they don't own it. We bless our kids when we give them the space and opportunity to make decisions. Camp does that beautifully.

The nuts and bolts: Camp is January 30-February 1. We leave at 2:30 on Friday, which may necessitate taking your child out of school early that day. Please do this, as a timely arrival at camp is a must, and the later we leave, the more traffic we encounter as we travel north.

Camp costs $160, which includes lodging and meals, transportation, and t-shirt. Scholarships are available if you have a financial need. An $80 deposit is due when you sign up. Please discuss financial arrangements with us, the earlier the better. And if you would like to send a child to camp, please call us about donating to our scholarship fund.

Kids are housed either 7 or 9 to a cabin, with a leader from NCCC (most are leaders in our weekend or midweek programs). They are housed with other kids from our church and you can indicate a roommate preference on the sign-up form.

Camp will fill. We have had a waiting list the last three years, so make arrangements early and get your paperwork in. Once we have filled our spots (92), we can ask the camp if they will release more, however this is not guaranteed and last year we did have kids on the waiting list who didn't get to go. Camp paperwork is available in our classroom and at the church on the weekdays.

How to Monitor Media Content, and Why You Should

This week, by request, I am passing along a number of websites you can visit to help you stay current (that is, ahead of - if you want celebrity news, read People) on what's "out there" for kids to see and hear.

My niece, soon to be 3, sings this song she picked up at church: "Oh be careful, little eyes, what you see - Oh be careful, little eyes, what you see - For the Father up above is looking down in love - Oh be careful, little eyes, what you see." Of course, no three-year-old understands what that really means, how to train their eyes to shield their minds from harmful things. Instead, three-year-olds notice everything (fortunately, they don't comprehend it all). So her parents get the job of discerning what Molly's "little eyes" see, particularly during the times when her attention is captivated by electronic media.

Parents and other caregivers should be concerned about what is being taken in by their kids when they sit in front of screens - movie screens, TV screens, and computer screens. Not alarmed - concerned, as in, taking ownership of responsibility: "What my kids see is my concern." At a young age, there is a very real danger of screen media consumption stunting brain development. But for kids who are a little older (and even big people!), we are still right to be vigilant about what is being watched, because of its enduring impact.

Remember that every movie, song, show, poem, or whatever, contains a message. The message is bigger than the individual words spoken or images shown. The message is a statement about things that are real, true, beautiful, valuable, and so on. It is the message communicated through a piece of media that leaves an imprint, and that should concern us most. What are shows, movies, and music teaching our kids about family life, about honorable character qualities, about attitudes worth emulating, about who is good, about the meaning of life? What general view of the world is being communicated - safe? scary? basically having its act together? broken and in need of redemption? What, in short, is the "take away" from what they've seen and heard?

I'm now going to suggest a profound way to know: Ask Them! Develop the habit of asking one simple follow up question, the goal of which is to unearth the message as it was perceived by your child. The question is, "What did you learn about ___________ from that movie?" (or TV show, or CD, etc.) This is important: kids take away lots of different messages after they've sat through a presentation. Trust me - I know! Oftentimes what you intend for them to "get" is not what sunk in and stuck. So you have to ask the question, or you will end up trying to fight a problem that isn't there or remedy a misunderstanding that doesn't exist or you will miss the wrong impression that was formed.

Once you know, you begin to combat or confront these misperceptions. One Christian author, who I can't recall, plays "Spot the Lie" with his kids, where they watch a show or movie together and try to identify the lie that is perpetuated. Sometimes your response needs to be to ensure that the message stops getting through - that there is no reinforcement of the false idea. That's where the websites I suggest can help, because they give you heads up on content.

But make no mistake - it is ideas, not instances, that are far more dangerous to kids in terms of their lasting impact. Remember the Superbowl halftime show with Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake and the "wardrobe malfunction", the partial nudity broadcast live to the world? I was doing high school ministry at the time and watched that game in the company of about a dozen high school boys. What was striking to me is that few of them were even paying attention - they were eating, wrestling, visiting - and that those who "saw it" were as confused as the rest of us, sort of like a "what just happened?" response. And then, it was over. Only it wasn't. More than four years later, the $550,000 indecency fine on CBS is still being fought over in court. Meanwhile, teens were regularly gathering between 2003 and 2007 to watch "The O.C." on Fox - a truly horrible show in terms of the message it communicated, but which never drew indecency fines and was never condemned in the way the halftime show was, apparently because they steered clear of exposing a breast for three seconds. Ridiculous. (And don't forget MTV's follow-up, "The Real O.C.", which was a reality-based series, further ensuring your kids that teenage TV life constitutes normal.)

It's been said that "art imitates life". But I'm not so sure. I think much of what is created for screens, that is necessarily dramatic and graphic and eye-catching and of course edited to 44 minutes, is a crude construction of reality - and it leaves behind a version of life that we, in turn, imitate. California has long been a cauldron of national culture. But now the nation is shrinking. What is broadcast via MTV and E! and even Disney is quickly and eagerly absorbed by the rest of the country, and then copied. We are creatures of habit and creatures of imitation. We learn to dress, talk, and react based on what we see. Don't underestimate the modeling influence that television and movie characters have. Raise your sights above the particular words they speak - those are the details - and discern the broader picture that is painted. Is it edifying? Is it admirable? Is it true?

I would urge you to use the websites below not primarily as a means of censorship, but to raise your own awareness, and, as with any resource I recommend, to equip you to open a dialogue with your kids about what they're watching. Don't assume that just because the only movies your kids watch are PG or free of offensive language they are free from the negative effects of media. Use television shows and movies to help kids understand the world. Learning and growth doesn't happen by keeping kids in the dark. It comes by processing through with them, at age-appropriate times, the issues of life.

Where to Find Info on Movies

Christian Film Producers
www.christianmovies.com
www.christianfilms.com
www.christiancinema.com

Reviews/Content Advisories:
Focus on the Family is at www.pluggedinonline.com

Also, the Internet Movie Database has a “Content Advisory for Parents” (under Additional Details) for most films: www.imbd.com

Dove Foundation gives its “seal of approval” to movies that meet its criteria. This tends to be more thematic-based than content-based (in other words, one or two swear words won’t automatically disqualify a movie if it has a wholesome message): www.dove.org

Dove’s reviews are here: www.christiancinema.com

Hollywood Jesus: www.hollywoodjesus.com

And: www.christianitytoday.com/movies

Another review site is www.screenit.com but it’s a subscription service. With all the free ones, why would you pay? I guess there’s no way to know until you actually put down the money.

Teaching Guides
www.teachwithmovies.org is a subscription site, $12/year for unlimited learning guides based on 285 movies.

http://www.christiancritic.com has some study guides as well as movie synopses

http://www.connieneal.com/discussion.htm TONS of questions meant to help kids explore spiritual themes and discuss the content of Harry Potter

Here are some discussion activities that can be used with clips of movies (if you don’t have time or don’t want to show the whole thing): www.thesource4ym.com/videoclips/

A Moving Target?

In another week, I'll make my first face-to-face meeting with a dozen other children's ministry professionals who have embarked on an educational journey together. We are all members of a cohort assembled by Bethel Seminary-San Diego, in pursuit of not only our master's degrees, but I'd like to think some truly innovative ideas about how to minister to kids better.

Anytime I have the chance to interface with others who think about and practice children's ministry, it provokes introspection - both healthy and overly critical, I suppose. But just when I think I have this monster called ministry figured out, I encounter something that throws me for a loop or makes me wonder if the "progress" we're making with kids is really what it seems to be.

Our program naturally involves a lot of reading about ministry models and the assessment of spiritual progress, and every book is a humbling reminder that there is more than one way to skin this cat, but also provokes a reassessment of what we are working towards. Frankly, there are a lot of opinions about the ultimate goal of children's ministry, and not all of them complement each other, and not all of them are correct. By "ultimate goal" I mean what we hope to see in kids at the end of all of our efforts, not the week-to-week goals (a smooth running program), year-to-year goals (that participation will build), community building goals (that kids will make friends), or instructional goals (that kids will learn X, Y, and Z).

It's become fashionable and strategic recently for children's ministries (like churches) to develop mission statements. In our ministry, we have one too: our passion is to have the biggest dreams, the best discipleship, and the most care. But language is limiting. What does that mean? Absent constant clarification and re-explanation, those just become words on a page. Now, there's some truth to the observation that you can tell a ministry's values simply by observing what it does - and that's why we've also developed these values and distinctives. They are our guideposts to define the boundaries. If, in delivering ministry, we stay within those markers, it should keep us on course for the ultimate goal. But what is that? If the ultimate objective remains fuzzy, then assessment becomes really difficult.

How many times to we hear of churches that want to turn people into "fully-devoted followers of Jesus Christ"? Or who encourage kids to "follow Christ" or "live in obedience to God" or "develop a biblical worldview"? Yet each of those descriptors, while partially helpful, fail to capture the totality of what we would hope for our kids. On the other hand, it's easy to get hooked on specific outward behaviors - do they speak, act, dress, or comport themselves as a Christian should? - when in reality, Christian maturity and growth is more than the sum of its parts. A vital, growing Christian is not just the accumulation of a set of behaviors.

The other limiting factor is that no ministry undertaking meets the ultimate goal perfectly. Small groups, retreats, music, midweek programs - all of them establish supports for kids' spiritual growth, but none is "just" what kids need in their entirety. That's why I put little stock in any approach to child development, parenting, or ministry that involves the word "just". We are sometimes told that you "just need to teach kids to respect their parents" or "just give kids consequences" or that kids "just need to learn responsibility" or "just need to spend time with their parents." We "just need to listen" to this speaker or "just read this book". The answer is never to "just" do this or that because ministry happens among people and people are organic and constantly changing. Thus, the lesson I used six months ago that went over like gangbusters may not work in another three years. (In fact, sometimes what work on a Saturday night bombs the next morning!) Camp experiences are singular and won't minister to everyone in the same way. Evangelistic crusades bring some to conversion and spiritual decisions, but not everyone.

So the target may, in fact, appear to be moving. But in reality, I think it's not dissimilar to the re-aiming that happens anytime you shoot an arrow. Because regardless of how good the last shot was, or how good it felt, you have to lower the bow, re-focus, and calmly take another shot. There is no such thing as "merely" repeating what was done before.

Above all, we need to acknowledge that spiritual growth doesn't exactly happen because of what we (parents and churches) do to a kid; rather, when spiritual growth is happening, it's the work of God in a life. Sometimes our best work is to notice and come alongside the process that's already happening, and to be patient with that process. Exhorting kids to diligent human effort is giving them religion. But a spiritual life is just that - a life. It is dynamic and changing, and implies a transcendent relationship with a higher power, with kids reaching out to God and God reaching out to them, and the change that happens in kids as a result of that.

How do we keep after this elusive target? We need to try different things. We need to operate on many fronts. We need to be working to build the greater Christian community so that kids are fortified in every environment - in their homes, among school friends, in their neighborhoods, on their teams, and of course, at their churches. We need to be sensitive to kids' questions and listen to their insights. We need to make conversation about spiritual things as natural as talking about what we saw on TV or YouTube yesterday. And we must be willing to constantly revisit and reframe the goal, lest we fall into a pattern of "just" doing this or that. What a shame if kids spent 18 years under our diligent watch, only to come away no personal relationship with God, no sense of his calling on their lives, no desire to know him, no real understanding of how he works. What if, at the end of all we've done, our kids don't need God? Will we be ok with that?

Questions from Kids

What do kids think about? What do they believe? What motivates them?

Kids are tough nuts to crack sometimes. Maybe they don't believe we'll take them seriously, or maybe they think their questions are silly or unimportant, or maybe they think they have something about the world figured out that they don't. And sometimes they just aren't articulate enough or don't have the right emotional language to express what they're feeling and where they're stuck.

If you believe as I do that great teaching answers the questions kids are already asking, then it's important that we know where kids are coming from, that we give them a space to think and ask questions without being judged, and that we pay attention to what they're asking. Because the question they ask isn't always the real question, as evidenced by the questions we've been collecting over the last few weeks.

We've invited kids to write out questions that really trouble them and submit them anonymously, with the added provision that if they want a personal response they can leave their e-mail address or phone number. Here are just some of the questions:

• Do animals go to heaven?
• How do you know Jesus is real?
• Is it wrong to comfort your friends when they did something wrong, but they're sorry?
• Who created hell?
• Why can't God destroy Satan and sin?
• Is Satan a person/who created him?
• Who are God's angels and who created them? Who are the devil's demons and who created them?
• Can God still talk to us?
• Why do people get depressed?
• Do dogs and cats and dinosaurs go to heaven?
• What is forever?
• What is it like in heaven?
• Why did God choose Mary to have Jesus?
• Why did God go to hell?
• I once read in the Bible: Temptation is not a sin. If it was, Jesus would have sinned. What does that mean?
• What does it mean exactly to fear God?
• How can I get a friend that is cool and popular that I am nervous to talk to?
• Why is Jesus Christ outlawed in other countries?
• Who causes people to sin?
• Why does God allow evil things on earth?

These questions will form the basis for weekend messages for the next several weeks - or who knows, maybe months!

What conclusions, if any, can we draw from questions like these? Several, I think:

1. Kids are curious about existential realities, like Where did God come from? and Why did he create the earth? Their minds are trying to get hold of abstract ideas like eternity and substance.

2. Kids are starting to face the question of evil: if God is good and loving, why is there evil in the world? This is a major stumbling block for people of faith. As one who is now working his way through the book, The Shack, I am well aware that just as personal circumstances can cause different people to approach this question differently, the same circumstances mean people will answer the question differently, too.

3. Pre-teen kids are perceptive to things they've heard or read in their Bibles that don't exactly make sense. For instance, the question about God going down into hell - as a kid, I was forced to memorize the Apostle's Creed and the line about Jesus "descend[ing] into hell...on the third day he rose again", and so I just sort of accepted it as true without really thinking about where we got that belief and why it was significant. I don't think a question like that reflects doubt, but a desire to reconcile what seems not to make much sense.

4. Related to that, kids are curious as to why God has acted in the way he has. Most kids will accept at face value a statement like, "God is all-powerful", because I said it and I'm an adult and they trust me. But the working out of that belief takes some wrestling: Why is there still sin? Why is there Satan? Why does God let a bad thing happen?

5. Kids have a desire and a need to understand what motivates other people, and how they think. How can people adhere to other religions? Why would they be angry at Christians or ban the religion altogether? We ignore discussing these things at our peril. Kids of this age are beginning to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them and their needs and that the world is full of differences, some God-ordained, some that are the result of sinful choices. When kids meet others with different spiritual convictions but who are still "good people", there is some dissonance that happens. Kids need an organizing structure for seeing the world, particularly when encountering people who think and believe differently than they do.

6. Kids by and large are not crying out for character or life-skill instruction. Their questions are deep and meaningful.

And not easily answerable. But they present a huge opportunity, because oftentimes the question that gets asked isn't the one that needs to be answered. Instead, if you can re-frame someone's understanding of the world - who God is, how he interacts with mankind, what our obligations are towards one another - the questions answer themselves.

This will be a great journey, and I invite you to follow it at our newest blog site, http://surgenotes.blogspot.com, where outlines of all the weekend messages will be posted from now on.

Music, kids, and worship

Music plays a prominent role in our classroom. I love the energy that builds as kids and leaders join with one voice, as they move together, as they smile and laugh and shout and celebrate. And because of this, I'm always on the lookout (or maybe, "listenout"?) for the song that'll be the next big hit in 4th, 5th, and 6th grade. I've imported songs I learned in Egypt and China, songs from camps, songs I remember from grade school, and even penned a few of my own. Kids naturally go for something raucous. Repetitive is good - fewer words to learn - and easy-to-remember movements help them engage, too.

But is all this worship? Yes. And no.

There is a growing segment of sincere people in children's and youth ministry who would say that we ought to be steering kids away from the high-energy, the simple, and even the silly, because it's not worship. To them, learning to stand quietly, to focus your attention, to close your eyes or lift your hands - these are the things we should be teaching students in order to usher them into God's presence during worship time. Dancing, shouting, "I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N" - these are distractions, they say, and are actually impediments to kids experiencing God in church.

So where do we go with this? Should Sunday Schools and youth groups jettison "I've Got a River of Life" in favor of the more contemporary, contemplative, or theologically rich material that one would find in adult worship services? In short, have we dumbed-down worship instead of holding up a high standard, and are all the "fun songs" really doing kids a disservice?

I have to say no. I think songs that invite participation are of great value in ministry, that they are not "not worship", and that kids learn and benefit plenty from them. Here's why:

1. Worship is more than just singing. Any adult worship leader or pastor will tell you that teaching people about worship (and this often starts with the musicians they oversee) means taking them beyond the idea that "worship"="the music part of the service." The Church needs its understanding of the concept of worship expanded. We are teaching kids how to worship when we teach them about giving, or when we teach them to serve, or how to spend time alone with God. It's wrong to compartmentalize.

2. Beware outward appearances. Related to this, worship leaders are not choir directors. Our job is not necessarily to elicit loud singing. Nor hands in the air. Nor any other outward posture of worship. John Piper, speaking of youth ministries, once noted, "You can get hands in the air in a minute with the right crescendo." A worship leader's work is part of the larger work of the church to get hearers to give it all to God - in other words, discipleship.

3. Music provides one more pathway to the brain. Words set to music are more likely to be repeated outside of class (which is how I know we've done our jobs), and more likely to be considered and pondered over…which is the very reflection that needs to happen if kids are going to internalize new ideas. I can give a toy for memorizing John 14:6, and the verse will probably be forgotten soon after the trinket is in hand; or, I can embed "I am the way, the truth, and the life" in a song, and it's likely to be rehearsed over and over without any outside coercion needed on my part.

4. Music has huge affective appeal. We forget that much of what is "learned" in church is not what is said by us, but what is felt by them. This is certainly true of adults, who are drawn to or repelled by churches for any number of factors relating to the church's aesthetics or their own experience (too big/too small, too warm or cold in the sanctuary, too loud/not loud enough, music too stodgy/too edgy, people friendly/unfriendly, parking easy/difficult). Why wouldn't it be true for kids? Kids form all kinds of attitudes about church - and God - from their experience there. These are attitudes we can't teach, but we can influence. When we insist on making them sing songs that have words they don't understand (such as hymns) or that are written by an adult about an adult's mature spiritual relationship with Christ, that's a real turn off to kids. It suggests that they are a problem and need to change in order to fit in at church. We don't need to compromise - ever - the truths of the faith, but we can package them in music that is attractive to kids. That's just smart ministry. Maybe one day they'll grow to like "our" music - but maybe not. That shouldn't be our goal.

5. Singing together loudly (and moving together) is a corporate experience. I've seen many boys who are image-conscious let loose during worship time because there's safety in numbers. It only takes a handful to stubbornly remain seated and the energy of the whole room evaporates. But conversely, it only takes a few responsive boys and girls and suddenly everyone's into it. And a kid thinks, "Hey! I'm a small part of something really big and exciting here!" - which mimics a pretty healthy Christian worldview, doesn't it? By making worship times that are fun, memorable, and even sometimes goofy, we get a chance to lift kids out of their own skin. So much of adult worship these days is moody and introspective. I need that, sometimes. But worship (as noted above) isn't all about me. It isn't a prayer-therapy session set to music. It's a call to abandon self and take up the cause of Christ. Some of the people who have their eyes closed during worship actually need to open them and become aware of the body that they're a part of.

A classroom without music is a pretty joyless place. What a shame though, if we start to see Sunday school classrooms with music that are joyless. Insisting on a particular style or posture for worship robs kids of the bigger vision of worship that we in churches need to be cultivating from birth - that God is really big, really exciting, really wonderful, and really worth our energy to celebrate him, no matter how the song is written.

Kids and the Art of Game-Playing

I enjoyed this article from slate.com on kids and rules when it comes to games. As the author points out, some kids take rules very seriously, while others are too quick to compromise. As a result, the completion of a game is nowhere near a certainty, even when the rules are clearly understood by both sides. A good lesson for life, too?

"No One Likes a Cheater" by Emily Bazelon

The Culture Gets it Wrong on Teenage Sex, revisited

The revelation that vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin's teenage daughter is pregnant has given us all another opportunity to collectively (choose one): wring our hands, tsk-tsk, question abstinence-only education policies, cast aspersions on Bristol's parenting, or cast about for silver linings ("Good for her that at least she's having the baby..."). Unfortunately it hasn't produced any sort of dialogue that would be helpful in answering the question that looms large: why did this happen to a girl from a family like that, and what does that mean for other well-meaning parents who believe their kids should abstain from pre-marital sex? Instead, it has cast a cloud of gloom over those who would hold that abstinence is not only possible, but wise, in favor of the conventional wisdom that teens just won't, and all we can do is accept that and arm them with birth control. Which is nonsense.

Several months ago I highlighted a column by Ruth Marcus of the Washington Post in which she expressed her belief that teenage abstinence was just a hopeless fantasy (my words, not hers). Marcus is the mother of two girls, ages 11 and 13, and her pessimism emerged afresh two weeks ago when it was revealed that Bristol Palin, the daughter of the abstinence-supporting governor, was pregnant by her boyfriend.

Now I am probably one of about five people in California who ever reads Ruth Marcus' column, so it's not as if I think she has the country in her sway. Nor do I think she's particularly bent on forcing this issue. She's expressing her opinion, which is her job, and I'm sure she's a caring mother and sincerely believes she can't expect her daughters to save sex for marriage. I just happen to think she's wrong, very wrong, on an important cultural issue. And as I believe her ideas are representative of the prevailing cultural wisdom, I highlight them and comment on them.

In early September, Marcus wrote about "The Lesson of Bristol Palin", which she takes to be that even parents who believe in abstinence for their kids can end up with a pregnant daughter. Fair enough. But Marcus cites a statistic that more than 60% of U.S. high school seniors have had sex and concludes that efforts to promote abstinence - in schools and in families - are pretty much futile.

Marcus apparently believes that abstinence education is widespread and being taught well - two highly debatable assumptions. (Effective education is never just a one-time or one-way message.) But the saddest, most cynical part of the piece is when she writes:

Being a teenager means taking stupid risks. The best, most attentive parenting and the best, most comprehensive sex education won't stop teenagers from doing dumb things. The most we as parents can hope for is to insulate our children, as best we can, from the consequences of their own stupidity.

Really? Is that the approach that teaches kids responsible decision making? I'm sure she doesn't think that's cynical, but when you expect the worst from someone and offer that the proper role of a teenager's parent is to mop up their messes, you can't set the bar much lower than that.

And where does this "stupidity" come from? We know that not every teenager is given to abusing drugs. Not every one of them drinks. Even though the law allows you to drop out of school at 16, most kids finish high school and go on to college. It's not every kid who's a delinquent. So what's the difference between kids who make redeeming choices for themselves and those who don't? Researchers, like those at the Search Institute, have a good grasp on this. Unfortunately the everyday world isn't aware of what researchers know so we retreat to a position of defeatism and cynicism: "Being a teenager means taking stupid risks." (Read what Search has discovered about assets and risk behavior patterns; Marcus' assertion has no basis.)

Marcus says she'll be delivering an "admittedly muddled message" to her girls when they talk about what to take away from Bristol Palin: "Wait, please. But whenever you choose to have sex, at some distant moment, don't do it without contraception."

The important question isn't whether Sarah Palin has been a bad parent. The question is whether there's anything beyond "Wait, please" that can help delay teenage sexual activity? Good news: there is. But I'm not sure Marcus has any idea.

Nor am I sure that she holds teenage sex to be a bad thing, as long as it doesn't result in pregnancy, HIV, or another disease. There's a casualness about the role of sex in a relationship that is a little jarring. Do we seriously think that young teenagers - or old ones, for that matter - ought to be sexually active, and that their emotional development is barely affected by it? That's where the pro-abstinence side I think could make a strong argument, and shake off the perception that they are just anti-sex and pro-ignorance. But they, too, have failed to put forth a constructive solution.

At the heart of this - on both sides - is plainly a reluctance to discuss relationships and sex often and authentically enough to be helpful to kids. One of the best curriculums I've seen on the subject, for instance, asks kids to think about and process through the worst sexual mistake they've ever made. Few parents are comfortable going there. But make no mistake - kids talk about sex to one another. Who's hooking up with whom is standard Monday-morning hallway chatter in high schools, and even pre-teens are aware that sex is a component of certain teenage and adult relationships, though they remain ignorant of the complexities and dynamics.

We in the church world fail to sell the value of abstinence because we oversimplify it, telling them they "just" need to do this or that. The truth is that a direct "here's what to do" works for some kids; but not for most. We've failed to appreciate that "just say no" really is just too hard in many cases - so kids dismiss us. Our failure to grasp their need to know why? and what if? and what about? ends up with us failing the credibility test, and that perception is crucial if you want your advice to be taken seriously. Kids want to know that we've been there, that we empathize with where they are today. You've made mistakes and learned lessons? Great, but don't expect that your seasoned understanding will simply transfer. A postmodern precept is that one person's experience is not necessarily prescriptive for everyone. That happens to be true here.

And who can sell good behavior anyhow? What adolescent wants to be "good", or would tout their "goodness" to others? Talking about everything you haven't done yet doesn't make you very exciting. Instead, it's much easier to work toward something than keep yourself away. That's why "purity" became the buzzword in Christian circles over "abstinence". "Purity" describes something you possess; "abstinent" merely denotes what you haven't done.

Two authors who get this are the husband-wife team of Eric and Leslie Ludy. Their book, Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-13 Generation has some good things to say about the need to teach sex in a context of relational wholeness. Kids and teenagers need to see themselves not just as they are in the present - hormonally charged, heavily influenced by peers - but who they someday will be, including the kind of husband or wife, father and mother they see themselves becoming. And the Ludys draw a bright-line distinction between "innocence" and "purity" which should be a help to parents who struggle with whether it's right to introduce the subject of sex if their 11-year-old is still blissfully unaware. (It is.)

No, the lesson of Bristol Palin is not that we should expect every teenager to be sexually active. The lesson is that what we're doing now to educate kids about healthy sexual values is not working. Marcus seems to believe that the answer is to abandon all but the clinical parts of sexual education, so that kids stay "protected". That's a strange prescription, one that in the end stifles dialogue rather than promoting it, and makes kids vulnerable rather than protecting them.

Being a Spiritual Leader at Home

I could probably do a dozen dodgeball nights, where we invite kids, who hopefully invite their friends, where we'll hopefully meet them and be able to invite them to come to church, or at least show them that church is a non-threatening place. Then, it would take a while for the kid to get comfortable at church, to find a service and a leader and friends they liked, and a while longer for a leader to become invested in that child's life, to the point that they knew them beyond casually. Only then might we have won the access and right to speak into their lives, to have overt spiritual impact.

I could do all that; or I could spend one evening training the people who are the most willing, consistent, persistent influences in a child's life. Now you tell me: which is the better investment?

That reality helps explain why we're pouring into parents this fall. It has long been a goal to use our midweek program in part to free up parents specifically for this type of training. Whenever you train parents, what to do with the kids is always an issue, making Sunday morning classes tricky. Our Wednesday night series, Parenting 101, kicked off last Wednesday with a talk by Bill Farrell that left parents buzzing.

So when Tim Smith told us he could train parents and kids together, it was an idea we couldn't refuse. This Friday night, around tables in the Family Center, with dinner provided, Tim will show you how to have a family time that is spiritually nourishing. We'll bring the food, the materials, Tim, and the fun. You just bring the family.

Beyond the obvious goal of teaching parents how to do a family time, one of the goals of an event like this is to motivate them that they should and can. Many parents feel inadequate for the task of spiritual leadership. Maybe they were raised in non-Christian homes, or as part of churchgoing families that didn't speak of spiritual things in the home. Others feel that not having been discipled themselves, they wouldn't know what to do. Or, some may have tried family Bible studies or working through devotional books with their kids but been frustrated by the results.

If any of the above fit you, and it's kept you from attempting home-based spiritual instruction, let me offer this word of encouragement: you are a spiritual leader in your kids' eyes whether you feel like one or not. Your attitude toward spiritual things, spoken or unspoken, has not gone unnoticed. Your kids know what you value. Anything that comes out of your mouth regarding spiritual things will be given great weight because ordinarily parents' beliefs and values are given deference no matter what the subject. I'm convinced this is why political beliefs tend to stay stable within families through generations - it isn't because kids have been exposed to formalized, systematic indoctrination, but because little comments here and there, attitudes, and preferences are picked up and pieced together, and the parent's worldview gets adopted by the child.

Maybe an analogy would help. I was raised in a family of teachers. My dad taught high school and my mom taught 4th grade. Because of this, I automatically gave anyone who wore the label "teacher" a certain degree of respect, well into college. Teachers, in my mind, were always right, always competent, and always hardworking. How surprised was I to later hear my parents candidly assess former colleagues! It never dawned on me that they could have improved: in my eyes, they were all equally qualified and skilled.

In the same way, unless you have horribly mismanaged your parental authority, your kids hold what you say and do in high regard. "My mom says" or "My dad told me" carries great rhetorical force in Kid World - a decided argument ender. This is for no other reason than that you are Mom or Dad. (Savor this now, before they turn old enough to know everything!)

Every church's message to parents must be, "You can do it!" and in the same breath, "We can't!" Homes and churches are totally different spheres of influence. Yet, if we are properly concerned about the spiritual care and development of kids, those spheres should overlap just enough that we can lend some of our expertise on teaching and spiritual nurture to you. They will overlap Friday night, and we are eager to see you there.

All About Our New Midweek Program

Here's the lowdown on our 2008-09 midweek program, which moves to Wednesdays, 6-7:30 pm, and begins September 10.

 

The new program is called "STEAM". Any student in grades 4-6 is welcome to come. The night will consist of two parts: activities and electives. During the first 45 minutes, from 6-6:45, we will "blow off steam" with a variety of games and fun activities. We will have access (most weeks) to the gymnasium as well as the outdoor yard. Games might include soccer, basketball, kickball, dodgeball, competitive handball, ultimate frisbee, etc. We will also set aside an area for an arts & crafts project for those kids who don't want a highly physical activity.

 

Midway through the night (at 6:45), kids will transition to their elective. This is where we "gain steam". Kids are divided and will go to different rooms depending on the elective they are in. Some electives are series, like the Young Peacemaker or Stumped by the Bible, and a child registered for one of these would go to that elective every week until it finishes.

 

How do I pre-register for an elective? There is a registration form and you can download this from our website. The form explains how many weeks each elective meets, the dates, and the cost of materials (which is small). www.northcoastcalvary.org/steam

 

Is it necessary to pre-register? It may be. It does help us plan by having ordered enough materials. Theoretically the rooms we use can only hold so many, but practically speaking, space should not be a problem.

 

How do I know where to go each night? When you arrive, you and your child will go straight to check-in, which is in the church's main lobby, outside the sanctuary/gymnasium. Everyone must check in. Because of the size of our campus and its openness, it is important for us to know who has come and what they are signed up for. Please help us with this - always check in. At check-in, a child will be allowed to choose their activity for the night (this is the first 45 minutes). We will give you a colored wristband depending on what you choose. We will also write on your wristband where to go at transition time (6:45) for your elective. Obviously if you've pre-registered for an elective, that is where you'll go every week.

 

What electives are being offered? For the Fall session, five of them. They are The Young Peacemaker, a class about using Biblical principles to resolve conflict (see last week's post); Stumped by the Bible: Old Testament, a six-week overview of the Old Testament; Stumped by the Bible: New Testament, the NT compliment; How to Draw Bible Good, Bad, and Ugly Guys, in which kids will learn how to sketch different characters from the Bible and at the same time hear the stories involving those characters; and Topical Studies for Pre-Teens, which will be a simple Bible study on some character issue common to 4th-6th graders. The topic will change each week.

 

Kids can "drop-in" to the drawing elective once without needing to purchase the book. After that, the book is $10. Kids not pre-assigned to an elective will have a chance to choose one at check-in for that night. The Young Peacemaker and Stumped by the Bible electives have start dates (see the registration form) and kids will not be allowed to "jump in" once they've already begun. So, look over the list of electives offered and be sure you're getting your child into the one they want. (The Old Testament elective will be offered twice during Fall, and we do anticipate offering The Young Peacemaker again in the Spring.)

 

Do you need help? We do - we need registration help each week as well as people to serve as guides with kids (similar to a guide's role at Kids Games) and lead indoor & outdoor activities.

 

But…

We also hope you'll look at the Parenting 101 series being offered in conjunction with Marriage & Family Ministry and take advantage of the classes and workshops there. Jeff Reinke, Bill & Pam Farrell, and Dr. Achibald Hart will speak on the first three Wednesdays during the kids' midweek program (6-7:30 pm) - and that's just September! As we know that time spent at home is proportionally greater than time spent in church, we believe that parents have the greatest opportunity for spiritual influence over their kids. But, we recognize that many parents, while eager to fulfill that responsibility, feel inadequate or don't know where to begin. So Wednesday nights are also about you.

 

And, to underscore our belief in the importance of a spiritually nourishing home environment, we've invited back Tim Smith to do a hands-on training with moms and dads and kids, on Friday, September 19. Tim is the author of The Danger of Raising Nice Kids and spoke at NCCC a year ago. In the training on September 19, he will show you how to lead a spiritually beneficial family time. We'll supply the meal, the place (our auditorium) and Tim - you just bring your family. $5/person, with a $25 maximum for families.

 

So that's some of what we've laid out for families to begin this school year. We hope Wednesdays will become a night of spiritual enrichment for the whole family. Full STEAM ahead!